[FFML] Revised Path of the Warrior Chapter 1
dsmith at datasync.com
Thu Mar 1 22:44:57 PST 2012
Ah, it's been such a long time. Brings back good memories.
Story's still pretty solid; just a few minor errors I noticed:
> Drawing things out wasn’t Shampoo’s usual style, but her
great-grandmother had insisted she showcased her skills today.
"showcased" should probably be "showcase". Present tense is more
appropriate for that portion of the phrase.
> That meant playing with her opponents rather than putting them with
her usual efficient style.
Should be "putting them down"? Though that's mildly ambiguous phrasing
(given that this is a Ranma story), it's most likely what was intended.
> But for Shampoo, casually endured the storm, then retaliated with
strikes to her opponent’s legs.
Modifying phrase is incorrectly constructed. Simple correction would be:
"But Shampoo casually endured the storm, then retaliated with strikes to
her opponent’s legs."
But that leaves it as an incomplete sentence. May possibly want to
merge with the preceding sentence, or rearrange the word ordering.
> But it could no longer be. Her great-grandmother had seen to that.
I would probably use a semicolon here.
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