[FFML] [SHnY] Shuffle

[Brian Randall]

Right.  Let's see if this works.  Intended to be funny.  You know what
_that_ means:


#     Shuffle

##     A Suzumiya Haruhi no Yutsuu-based spamfic

     Disclaimer: The novel series that starts with the light novel
'Suzumiya Haruhi no Yuutsu'/'The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya' is the
creation of Tanigawa Nagaru.  The characters in this story are used
without permission; no disrespect is meant by this work.  I'm merely a
peasant with an easel and some borrowed paints....

     Notes: I'm not even going to try and justify this.  Possible
spoilers for books, uh, one and nine?  This is a pretty old spamfic
idea, I'm afraid....  The goal is unabashed hilarity; this is just
meant to be silly and amuse.

     How to play: Kyon is Kyon.  Try to guess who is playing which
other roles before the annoying reveals!  Hmm.  I think the last to be
spelled out is the most obvious.

     -------------------------------------------

     I remember quite clearly that my troubles began exactly one
minute after seven o'clock in the evening on a Tuesday.

     I was at my desk, flipping through a manga and relaxing, since
I'd finished my homework earlier in our study group meeting.  It was
the final volume of _Hoshino no Samidare_, incidentally.  Who wouldn't
wish they could be a chosen sentai hero like that?

     Well ... maybe 'hero' isn't the ideal word, but I really like the
main character anyway.  I had just gotten to the start of what looked
like a pretty intense training sequence for him when my mother opened
the door to ask me if I was going to be taking a bath soon.

     I turned around, one hand brushing across a book that a club-mate
had lent me earlier that day.  I just glimpsed the clock ticking over
to one minute past seven, and before I could open my mouth to even
answer, the door to my bedroom suddenly slammed wide open, allowing
that same club-mate that had lent me the book in the first place
(along with a solemn order to 'read it') into the room.

     As my bedroom has a single proper door, this caused both me and
my mother some alarm, both of us turning to stare at the figure that
then stalked out of my bedroom closet, giving me a stern glare.  "You
didn't read the note," she says flatly.  "Did you?"

     I _should_ be asking how she got into my closet, but strangely
enough, it's my mother who speaks first.  "...excuse me, young lady,
could you explain why you're in my son's bedroom?"

     This club-mate, the one I met first when introduced to her by the
girl who created our study group only a few days ago, shakes her head
and rolls her eyes.  "He asked me for advice on asking out a girl he
likes," she tells my mother, who -- for reasons I cannot _fathom_,
smiles brightly at this answer.

     "Well, that's fine, then!" she says brightly.  Winking at me, she
adds, "It's about time you and your sister's favorite 'nee-chan' got a
little closer~!  I'll let you two, be, then."

     She then walks out, humming, though she pointedly leaves the door open.

     "Anyway," the girl who stepped out of my closet says, shaking her
head again, "what the hell is wrong with you?  A cute girl gives you a
book, tells you to read it, and you blow her off?  How lame!"

     I glance at the cover of the book, _Full Metal Panic_.  "Did you
want it back already?" I ask, confused.  She had just given it to me
earlier that day, after all.

     She snatches the book from my hands without even looking and
flips it open, very shortly producing a bookmark and managing to smack
me on the nose with it harmlessly.  A little annoyed, I snatch it back
from her and look at it.

     Other than being a bookmark, it's got a note scribbled on the
back.  It details a time (a few minutes ago, now) and a place (several
miles away).

     "I guess it's a good thing you were hiding in my closet somehow,
instead of waiting for me there," I allow, as disturbing as it is to
wonder how long this girl was hiding there, waiting for me to not read
the note or leave.

     "Yeah, whatever," she says, glancing around my room, seemingly
bored already.  "Okay, so check this out.  We were supposed to have
this conversation at my place over a cup of tea.  Sound good?"

     ...did I just get asked to follow a pretty young woman to her
apartment?  And then propositioned?

     Okay, the students in my class -- especially that unreasonably
cute class representative -- do seem to think that I'm already ...
'involved' with the girl that sits behind me, but I can assure
everyone that nothing is happening on that count.

     So, despite the oddity of the situation, I agree: "Well ... yeah!"

     She then beams me a bright smile, and flips me a rude hand
gesture.  "Then read the note and _show up_ next time!" she snaps, her
smile fading as her hand drops to her side.  "Seriously...."

     ...somehow, I think I shouldn't be surprised about this sudden
turn.  Most of my takeaway is, 'When a pretty girl suggests you do
something, don't wait.'

     "Okay!  Here it goes!  Are you ready for it?" she asks, grinning
enthusiastically again.

     Yeah, sure, whatever.

     "Okay!  So, much like our illustrious leader, I am not like normal humans!"

     ....no.  _Really_?  Though, to be honest, I _had_ noticed a lot
of similarities between this girl and--

     "Not like that," she sighs, shaking her head.  "I mean, other
than being devastatingly beautiful and awesome beyond compare.  What
I'm telling you is that I'm an _alien_!"

     She grins, showing the normal number of teeth in a face with the
number of eyes I would expect, and really, other than the grin that's
just wide enough to be unnerving, she ... really just looks like a
cute schoolgirl.

     "Thanks!  But, nope!  I'm a humanoid contact purposed interface!
Cool, huh?"

     "Right.  Alien.  Mysterious DNA and everything."

     "Bah -- my DNA's just as human as yours," she says with a sniff.
"I should know -- coded it by hand to look authentic!"

     That ... doesn't sound very alien.

     "My true form is something you couldn't comprehend," she says
with a shrug.  "You just don't exist on that dimension."

     That sounds more alien, I guess.  "Well, what's your mission,
then?" I wonder.

     "Our illustrious leader has a special power!  My bosses want to
find out how that works, because it'll let us evolve beyond our
current limitations!" she declares triumphantly.

     "...wow, okay," I manage, shaking my head slowly.  "Anything else
I should be aware of?  Bogeymen?  Rogue psions, maybe?"

     "Are there even any good rogue/psion combos?" she wonders in
answer, looking around my room again.  "I guess ... hmm ... psychic
rogue, and then prestige into mind-spy?"  She shakes her head at that,
then says, "Nah, I doubt it -- but if any show up, don't you worry--
I'll take good care of you!"

     ...really?

     "Absolutely!" she says.  "Anyway.  See you at school tomorrow, so
take care~!"

     With that, she saunters into my closet, closing the door behind her.

     I give her a few minutes before sighing, walking over, and....

     ....

     ...okay, that's ... a neat trick.  She may be crazy, but she's
good -- I'll give her that.  How did she get out of there?

     Or in, for that matter?

     Strange.

     Not sure what else to do with the situation, I think about what
she said and put her name on a mental list.  It starts like this:

     Suzumiya Haruhi -- ALIEN (according to her)

     ***

     The rest of the week....  At any rate.  That girl that Suzumiya
liked to call our 'illustrious leader' had suggested that since we
spent so much time cooped up in study, we should meet up for
activities -- even if it was just strolling across the city.  That
made enough sense to me, though I didn't care for the exertion;
mostly, I was just glad for the change of pace.

     For variety, she had suggested that the members of what Suzumiya
called our 'five man band' draw straws and divide into teams, then we
could meet up and discuss our experiences, and if we'd found any good
places to meet up for lunch.

     I eye the person I find myself paired up with after Suzumiya and
the other two girls walked away.  In response, he gives me that grin I
don't like.  "Come on," he says, thrusting his hands into his pocket
and jerking his head to one side.  "Let's walk down to the river
together, eh?  Nice, romantic spot!"

     "You have fun -- I think I'll just wait here," I answer dryly.
Romance ... with _him_?

     I will pass, thank you.

     "Oh, please.  Come on -- just walk with me by the river; I've got
something really important to tell you," he says, beckoning me to
follow as he heads away, towards the riverside.

     I turn around and wonder if I can catch up to the others -- but
he catches on and quickly jogs to my side.

     "What?  Why are you running away?  Come on, Kyon!  Don't you want
to scope out chicks with me?" he presses, reaching forward from behind
me and snagging my shoulder.

     Reluctantly, I'm halted, and after some coercion (and a promise
to not touch me), we find ourselves walking awkwardly side-by-side
next to the walkway.  I imagine my expression must be dour; I'd
dreamed of some day coming this way with a cute girl, not....

     "Okay, so, this is going to sound really skeevy, but there's no
way around that," he says without preamble, his eyes firmly on a young
lady coming the other direction down the path with her dogs.  "Oooh
... nice legs.  Anyway," he continues, turning to look at me when the
girl in question shoots him a wary glance, passing us by.

     "Let's see ... you probably see time as a single, continuous
thing -- like a pretty young girl that grows up into the hottest, most
date-able babe you've ever seen," he says once she's out of earshot.
"Am I right?"

     "Well, really, I see time as more like a line," I answer.  "Don't
most people?"

     "Time's got some killer curves, is all I'm saying!

     "Let's step away from your pettanko, lolicon views of time, and
mature into a much more oppai state," he said, making me feel
embarrassed to be near someone who would spit out such words, though
his grin doesn't abate.  "Okay.  So, you know that this girl exists in
multiple states, right?  She used to be more cute, less hot?"

     I can't help but think he's choosing a terrible analogy for
whatever point he's trying to make.

     "Okay.  So, there's only ever one girl at a time, in time, but
depending on _where_ you go in time, there are an infinite number of
instances of that one girl," he continues.  "So, in a sense, I'm from
the frame of reference where the girl is at her _most_ hot, and you're
from the frame of reference where she's _just_ become date-able.
Follow?"

     Thankfully, no.

     "Anyway, the point of it all is this ... so, about three years
ago by this time, there was a massive fault in the time-plane,
centered around...."

     He goes on through a series of analogies that warp my mind and
make me wish he'd stop talking.  Somehow, the way he tries to relate
everything to women just bugs me, and makes his explanations largely
blur into disturbing sameness.  At one point, I learned to regret
asking him to provide greater variety so I could keep all of the
theoretical 'girls' separate.

     This was a mistake.

     Almost mind-numbing, really; I deeply regret that our club leader
found him as, "A prime example of someone we must help!"

     I think I've extracted whatever meaning from what he's said that
I can, though.

     "You're telling me you're from the future," I summarize blandly.

     "Exactly," he agrees, nodding.

     "I'd think a time traveler would have known better than to get
shot down by all three girls in our club in less than five minutes," I
note.

     "Pre-determined rejections don't count," he retorts.  "And since
I'm not allowed to have relationships in this time, that means I'm
_never_ failing.  I'm just following history, and happen to have the
world's _best_ chance to practice until I go home!"

     From there, he tries to 'prove' things to me by pointing at young
girls and telling me which ones will grow up to be most 'hot.'

     My mental list is updated, though I'll admit I can't be bothered
to remember his first name:

     Taniguchi -- MASSIVE PERVERT (also, time traveler, supposedly)

     ***

     After the headache of listening to Taniguchi, and remembering
Suzumiya's prank on me, I had a pretty good idea of what to expect.

     Suzumiya said that she was an 'alien' who was interested in the
girl that sat behind me.  Taniguchi said he was a 'time traveler' who
was interested in her as well (and as shallow as he is, he doesn't
actually seem physically attracted to her, or Suzumiya).

     Not sure about the details, but confident that she will echo the
others, I corner the last member of our group in the halls at lunch
the following week.  "Hey," I tell her, probably a bit too gruffly,
"do you have something to tell me?"

     This ... does get a number of the other students in the hallway
to suddenly look at the pair of us, and me to feel like an idiot.  No
backing up now, though!

     She just gives me a slow nod, her eyes drifting closed in an even
more languid blink, before they drift open.  Floating along on her
tiptoes as though weightless, she moves to my side, unhesitatingly
looping her arm through my own and looking up at me expectantly.

     This ... was ... not what I had expected.  Feeling way too many
eyes on me, I quickly hurry to a more remote corner of the school, on
the benches outside, where there aren't many other students around.
At least, at the moment.

     She seems to expend no energy drifting along at my side.

     After setting her at one of the seats, I jogged over to a vending
machine to buy us some coffee -- and myself a moment to think.  She's
... not very talkative, really.

     I think it's because she's a transfer student, so maybe ... I
should be more considerate.  If there is some prank going on, could
she be part of it?  Since I'm at the vending machine, I don't worry
about it too much, turning around and almost colliding--

     ...she's far too quiet.  After managing to spill coffee, and
miraculously (somehow) get it on neither of us, she accepts her cup of
the drink from me, holding it as though uncertain of what to do with
it.  We walk back to the bench and sit down together, her watching me
closely, not moving to sip at her beverage.

     "Um," I start, remembering when our club leader had pointed her
out, explaining that a transfer student would be another good choice.
After all, she'd need help catching up from the transfer, right?

     Though, come to think of it....  "So, where did you come from,
anyway?" I prompt.

     She blinks at that again, then sticks one arm out at her side,
away from me, pointing ... I guess mostly west, and a little down?
So, mainland Asia?  Maybe Europe?  "How far away?"

     She sits up slightly straighter, her eyes going curiously distant
as her hand floats down to her side.  "Very far," she finally says,
her voice sounding ... not underused, weirdly.  I'd expect it to be
raspy, considering how quiet she is, but the tones are smooth after
all.

     "So ... what is is that you wanted to tell me, then?"

     I'm weirded out, and feel like my eyes stopped working for a
moment.  There's no transition at all -- it's like a few seconds of
the world are just cut out.  One moment she's sitting at my side,
looking slightly away, the second moment she's looking directly at me,
and the coffee cup at her side is empty.

     She blinks again and says, "1.062X10^11 rotations ago, I was..."
before trailing off into something I can't hear.

     "Um...."  Suzumiya mentioned something about three years ago, and
so did Taniguchi.  "Does ... that number mean three years, by chance?"

     "Close."

     Close _enough_, I hope.  "Right.  So ... you're saying she did
something three years ago, and that's why you're here?"

     She gives a wordless nod in response, her eyes locked on me, still.

     "So ... what are you, then?"

     After a very, very long pause, she says, "Esper..." before
trailing off into silence again.

     "Makes sense, I suppose.  Can you show me an example of your esper powers?"

     "Work opportunities minimal due to target stability," she says,
remarkably coherent for a moment before her eyes flash, and she looks
away.  "1.242x10^8.  Will arrange...."  And then more of those strange
pauses.

     I wonder if they'll ever tell me what the girl who sits behind me
is?  Still, thanks to that, my list is mostly complete:

     Suou Kuyou -- ESPER (or mildly autistic; she seems really good
with numbers)

     ***

     It's something to think about, these mysterious revelations ...
but, I can't really buy into them that much.  It's probably just a
joke, or a game ... and there are more important things to worry about
in high-school, anyway, right?

     Today, my luck has turned.  I had to arrange for some excuses to
make sure I wouldn't be seen or otherwise suspected, but they were
successful.

     I'm a little excited, maybe too much so, so let's just calm down
a little bit.  This morning, I found a note in my locker, asking me to
please meet the sender in my classroom after clubs left out.  Now, the
'go-to' suspicion in this instance is naturally that a girl who's
taken a fancy to me is asking me to meet them for a confession.

     And that is a nice feeling.

     I spent some time earlier wondering ... could it be Suzumiya?
Somehow, I don't think it'd be direct enough for her.  Suou?  That ...
could be, I guess.  Maybe she's more articulate when writing?  It
somehow doesn't seem likely.

     If it's Taniguchi, then I will probably mercilessly beat a 'time traveler.'

     Let's not even joke about the girl who sits behind me.

     The person who is waiting for me in the classroom when I arrive,
however, is someone I didn't expect.  Not that I have any reason to
complain!

     The much beloved class representative smiles happily on seeing
me, clasping her hands together and beaming me a beautiful smile.
"Kyon-kun!" she cheers happily.  "You came!"

     "I didn't expect it was going to be you, class rep," I reply,
pleased with this turn of events.  "So ... what did you want my
attention for?"

     She brightens, and her face reddens slightly, as she looks away.
Is this it?  A confession?

     I can feel my heart thumping in anticipation.

     "S...so, Kyon-kun, um....  Do you think that when a situation has
become static and unchanging, it's okay to try and help the people who
are stuck in that situation?" she prompts me, eyes shining with hope.

     I'm ... not quite sure what to make of that.  "Um, as you
describe it, that sounds like an act of kindness," I offer.  "So, it
should be fine?"

     "G...good!" she exclaims, her face reddening a tiny bit more.
"O...okay, in that case, um ... it's not anything personal, but to
make sure we don't get interrupted, I've claimed jurisdiction over
this data space!"

     ...what?

     "I, um, made it so I control probability and data within this
space," she clarifies.  "So, I can reorder matter, energy, or higher
order concepts when required!"

     I look around, but the room looks ... perfectly identical in every way.

     "Oh, no!  I wouldn't really want to change things too much --
wouldn't that be scary and weird?"

     "I ... guess that's very considerate of you," I agree, no longer
as happy, and much more confused.  Was this more of that bizarre game?

     What happens next, however, is beyond my expectations.

     Before she can respond, the entire wall between the classroom and
the hallway explodes inwards.  It buckles, bowing towards the pair of
us, almost surreality slowly.  The twisted, bulging mass turns bright,
forms cracks and tears--

     There's a blinding flash, then, and the far too pleased, cheerful
voice of Suzumiya screaming, "I won't let you~!"

     When my eyes recover, I'm somewhat staggered--  There appears to
be a hole blasted in the side of the classroom that leads into....  I
don't....

     So, _all of reality_ appears to be missing where that wall used
to be, reducing my exit choices to the windows.  Slightly less
panicked, I appear to have both Suzumiya and the class rep with me, so
I quickly look at the two of them--

     The class representatives eyes are wide as she tries to back away
from Suzumiya's menacing approach.  "So!" the self-proclaimed alien
says, still grinning.  "You thought you could get Kyon all off on his
own and kill him to see her reaction, eh?  Well, you've got a lot to
learn, backup unit!  I'm going to protect him, no matter what!"

     "N...no!" the class representative wails, shaking her head
furiously.  "That's not it!"

     I'm ... not sure if I should interfere, here?

     "It totally was!" Suzumiya insists.  "You're dissatisfied that a
representative of the radical faction was allowed to take the leading
role!"

     "Eh!?  No, no!  I was just, um ... going to ... offer
Kyon-kun...."  Her face reddens, and she shakes her head quickly.  "I
only want to help him and--"

     "Well, too bad, villain!" Suzumiya replies, as though listening
to some other speech entirely.  "Now we battle!"

     "Wah!" the class representative cries, running away from
Suzumiya, skidding to a halt and windmilling her arms for balance at
the edge of the ... gap between our classroom and....  Whatever that
dark mass of _absolutely nothing_ is supposed to be.

     Suzumiya charges after her, dashing like an anime character;
lines of light and force blur around her, and a trail of dust springs
up from the ground in her wake -- though these effects vanish as she
freezes abruptly in place, statue still a step away from her target.
"Hey!" she protests, frowning at the poor class representative.  "What
kind of offensive pattern is that?  Come on!  This is your data space!
 Turn something into a weapon so we can have a proper fight!"

     "I--  I don't--"

     "Make a weapon!" Suzumiya demands, stomping one foot and crossing
her arms over her chest to glare expectantly at her ... foe.

     Yelping, the other girl puts her hand on a desk, causing it to
... warp and shift in her hand, seeming to somehow split apart and
simultaneously fit back together, reshaping itself from a simple piece
of furniture into a fearsome weapon.

     Let me take that back a little.

     The reshaping of matter from something as innocuous as a desk to
a different state of matter is a staggering, mind-blowing power.  It's
the kind of ability over reality which should never be used as a toy
-- this stuff is so amazing and frightening to a mere mortal that we
may as well think of it as magic.  Some strange, unpredictable energy
that we could never fathom....

     So, when I beheld the class representative's weapon, the focus of
that awesome power ... well....

     I laughed a bit.

     Suzumiya didn't think it was funny; she actually looked offended!
 I really felt for that class representative, trembling before
Suzumiya with tears in her eyes, holding up what looked like one of
the toy mallets my sister had outgrown at least five years ago....
Yellow plastic handle, collapsible red plastic 'squeaky' head....

     Somehow, a very underwhelming use for such a power.

     "...really?" Suzumiya asks, clearly frustrated.  She shakes her
head and scowls.  "Alright!  Fine!  Forget that-- If you can't give me
a good fight, go ahead and try and finish your plan, so I can just
stop you in the nick of time."

     "Eh!" the class representative holds up her mallet before her
like a holy talisman to ward off Suzumiya.

     "Well?" Suzumiya snaps impatiently, while I continue to watch
this surreal scene with a growing sense of detachment.  Maybe it's all
a dream?  Everything after that flash ... and before it, really, could
just be my imagination.

     Annoyed, Suzumiya grabs the class representative's wrist, hauls
her out of position, and then shoves her violently at me.  Not
expecting anything to come of it, I brace myself a little and try to
catch the stumbling class representative.  She's, er, soft, as light
as I had expected, soft, smells nice, is very soft, is warm, and also
is quite soft.

     "J...just think of this as practice," the girl who's pressed
against me at the moment mumbles into my chest.  "U...um, so that--"

     "Now!" Suzumiya exclaims, charging the pair of us.  Before I have
time to really react, the three of us go down in a pile, and I am
_completely_ lost in a tangle of limbs and soft bodies.

     This is, in some senses, far luckier than I had expected when I
received the note.  In other senses, it's the most bewildering thing
that's _ever_ happened to me.  The class representative seems to be
trying to use me as cover to hide from Suzumiya, who seems intent on
wriggling her way between us.

     Somewhere in here, the missing classroom wall was replaced.  I
can't place precisely when, because my face was full of ... something
very distracting for much of that time.  I realized it _must_ have
happened when the door slid open, and I heard a familiar voice humming
something before, "I just came for my...."

     "Damn it!" Suzumiya yells around a mouthful of the other girl's
outfit, the pair of them pinning me down, writhing across me.  "We
were supposed to finish by now!"

     Staring at us, her smile slowly fading as her eyebrows rise, the
girl who sits behind me in class asks, "Is there ... something you
wish to share with me about this, Kyon?"

     "This is Suzumiya's fault!" I try and defend myself, still
trapped beneath the other two.  "I swear -- she's been acting crazy
ever since she came out of the closet in my room!"

     I have the sense of an incredible silence, just then.  It's so
profound, I suspect that no sound energy anywhere in the world is
audible.

     That fragile moment is abruptly shattered when Suzumiya suddenly
agrees, "This girl is _mine_!  Spoils of war, right?  Well, love is a
battlefield, but today I won!  Kyon was just here as a witness and
moral support, and ended up getting caught in the crossfire!"

     Wait, what?

     "Y...yes!" the class representative yelps, not sounding terribly
thrilled.  "That's what this is!"

     Okay.  Another one for the list, then, as the 'aliens' get off
me, and I quickly move (not fleeing, thanks), to the side of the girl
who usually sits behind me:

     Asahina Mikuru -- OTHER ALIEN (or Suzumiya's adorable girlfriend
or something, I just don't even)

     ***

     The next day, I walk to class with the girl who sits behind me.

     "I have to admit," she says, breaking the silence thoughtfully,
"I hadn't thought that Suzumiya-san was ... so inclined."

     "As weird as she is, it doesn't _really_ strike me as that much
of a surprise," I mumble in response.

     "Now, now ... it will be difficult for both of them to pursue
such a lifestyle as it is," she returns softly, giving me a gentle
smile.  "We must be supportive--  Rather ... I suppose since they
trusted you enough, _I_ must be supportive.

     "I think it's impressive, but also a little surprising that they
chose to confide in you," she continues musing.  "Or, I suppose
Suzumiya did.  Hmm....  Well, I can't think that trust reflects on you
in...."  She sighs then, turning to stare up at the clouds.  "Ah, I'm
doing myself no favors this way.  It's unfortunate, but I think I will
need to borrow a page from your book and simply be blunt about it:

     "Suzumiya doesn't recognize a ... kindred spirit in you, does
she?  Ah--  If so, well, we're friends, so you have my full support,
but--"

     "No, ugh, please, just stop," I groan, before she can finish.
"My stomach is still churning from the aftermath of Taniguchi's
confession."

     Wait ... that ... didn't come out right.

     Except, maybe it did?  Surprisingly enough, the girl's features
relax, her smile seems a bit less forced, and some tension I didn't
notice until just then fades away.  "Another one who chose to reveal
themselves to you?  My ... you truly have a presence, Kyon, to
engender such trust in those around you!"

     That's about the most positive spin possible for that, I imagine.

     When it comes to Taniguchi's confession, actually, I could do
with a lot less trust.  Let's see ... what had he called her, again?
A time-space anomaly?  Suzumiya mentioned something about evolution,
but didn't really seem that interested.  Suou hasn't explained very
much at all about what she thinks of her, but I can conclude this much
for my list:

     Sasaki -- VERY IMPORTANT (for some reason)

     ***

     The next day, Sasaki and I walked to our study-group, in the room
that Suzumiya had all-but-demanded we take over from her now defunct
literature club.  When we get there, as usual, Taniguchi is already
there, absorbed in texting someone with a gleeful chuckle.

     Sasaki and I take seats and work on our homework; very shortly
after that, Suzumiya comes in, humming happily, carrying her bag in
one hand, and an _absurdly_ cute plushy that happens to look like our
class representative in the crook of her opposite arm.

     "Goodness!" Sasaki exclaims on seeing it.  "That's quite, um, detailed!"

     "Isn't she just so _cute_?" Suzumiya chirps happily.  "When she's
like this, let's call her ... 'Achahina~!'"  After beaming a smile at
us, Suzumiya takes the seat next to me, carefully setting her plushy
directly on my head.  I feel a chill run down my spine as tiny hands
clasp my head, and the tiny, nearly weightless figure shifts slightly.
 "Since she's not a full member, she can be Kyon's head pet!"

     Sasaki giggles at that.  "Another eccentricity of yours,
Suzumiya-san?  Well ... I suppose I must confess, the image of Kyon
with such a figure on his head is remarkably endearing...."

     "Oh, I gotta take a picture of this," Taniguchi remarks, looking
up from his texting with a grin.

     "I should take one as well," Sasaki agrees, the pair of them
reaching for their phones.

     I hold still anyway, not sure how else to react.  Soon enough, a
number of what I'm sure will somehow be humiliating photos have been
taken.  "Isn't that enough?" I protest.

     "No, I think we need to take pictures for another fourteen
seconds at least," Taniguchi remarks, grinning.

     Sasaki chuckles, giving him an amused look before turning back to
me.  The door opens then, and Suou floats in.

     Seemingly oblivious to Suzumiya at my side, Sasaki and Taniguchi
opposite me, and the tiny form of Asahina on my head, Suou drifts past
Suzumiya, and as Taniguchi takes another picture, the girl with the
long-dark hair and the bottomless pitch-black irises kisses me.

     Our lips meet as my eyes widen in shock at the suddenness of
this, and a very familiar silence erases all sound again.

     After what feels like an eternity of falling into the dark wells
of her eyes -- an eternity of approaching without ever reaching her --
Suou breaks the kiss and gives me another one of her languid blinks.

     "..._hot_," Taniguchi says, lowering his cell phone from the
pictures he had been taken.  "Very pro, Kyon!  She's at least an 'A
minus!'"

     "Achahina," Suzumiya chides, plucking the trembling figure from
my head.  "You didn't help at all!"

     Meanwhile, of course, Sasaki is staring at me with a very strange
expression for her, like she's trying to smile and isn't really sure
she wants to.  Without a word of explanation, Suou takes the other
seat next to me and pulls out her homework.

     "Right!" Sasaki declares suddenly, shaking her head.  "Taniguchi,
you as well; shouldn't you at least have your book out?"

     "W...wait," I manage belatedly, turning to look at Suou in
confusion.  "What was _that_!?"

     "Confession," Suou says back so quickly, it almost seemed she was
waiting for me to ask, not even turning her gaze to me.

     "If ... it's not too much, could the two of you perhaps put that
off for once we're done studying?" Sasaki asks quickly.  "I'll leave
the two of you to walk home together and discuss things then, and not
trouble you to accompany me home today, Kyon.  Does that sound alright
with you, Suou?"

     The dark-haired girl nods her head with slow deliberation in response.

     "I ... think there's a miscommunication here," I protest.

     Sasaki shakes her head at me, countering, "It's fine; you two
should discuss that on your own.  For now, why don't we go over your
math homework?"

     As hard as I try, I'm not able to get a word to Sasaki about Suou
the entire study session.  While I'm distracted, Sasaki suddenly packs
up her books and vanishes, leaving the rest of us alone.

     "Lates," Taniguchi announces nonchalantly, grabbing his things
and heading out as well.

     Suzumiya snorts and sets 'Achahina' on my head again, before rushing after.

     Eying Suou, I pluck the small figure from my head, then turn to
give ... her a look.  She really is unreasonably cute ... a miniature
version of Asahina, absolutely.  Now that Sasaki's gone, the tiny
figure sniffles and gives me a look with watery eyes.

     ...really unreasonable.  Unsettled, I set her on the table and
turn my attention to Suou again.  "Look," I start, "can you explain
what that was about to me?"

     She gives one of her exaggerated slow nods in answer, offering a
hand towards me.  "Esper \_\_\_\_\_," she says quietly.

     Huh?

     "She says it's a demonstration of her powers!" Asahina says, in a
voice only slightly squeaker than her usual one.

     Well ... okay?  I guess?  I don't know why Suou told Sasaki it
was a confession, though, especially if it wasn't!

     Still....  I reach for her hand, though Asahina's tiny for grabs
onto my other arm before I touch Suou.  She doesn't seem to be trying
to stop me, though, just hanging on.  The second Suou's hand makes
contact with mine, I feel the entire world fall away and shift -- good
thing I'm still sitting down!

     I manage, barely, not to fall out of my chair, staring in
confusion.  We're ... in ... exactly the same place.

     "Why doesn't the world ever change whenever something really
awesome is supposed to have happened?" I ask, shaking my head.

     "Um, um, Sasaki-san is generally very stable," Asahina offers for
Suou.  "She generates these spaces when she becomes frustrated!"

     "...and then?" I prompt.

     "She rationalizes," Suou answers, blinking.

     "Huh?  What?  I don't understand any of this!"

     "Um, um," Asahina offers, sounding slightly more cheerful
suddenly, as though happy she's able to help, "Suou-san was chosen by
Sasaki-san to be an esper!  Because, Sasaki-san is a being with the
power to reshape reality!  So, when Sasaki-san's emotions go out of
control, Suou-san has the ability to come and settle things, to ensure
she remains stable!"

     "Are you seriously telling me that you keep Sasaki calm?  That
you have to fight her wild emotions?" I ask, bewildered.

     Suou's answer is a very simple, plainly understandable, "Boring
job," before that disconcerting sensation occurs again ... though,
everything still looks the same.  She heaves a very tiny sigh and then
doesn't move, just staring into my eyes, her hand still on mine.

     ...alright.  I'll update slightly, then:

     Suou Kuyou -- INCREDIBLY BORED ESPER (also maybe has a crush, but
maybe she's just crazy)

     ***

     After Suou's strange demonstration, she just stared at me
wordlessly for the better part of fifteen minutes.  Asahina waited on
the table patiently, and I eventually went home.

     Unsatisfying, really ... confusing, nothing really explained....
I supposed it didn't really matter, but I wanted to talk things over
with Sasaki.  Before I got the chance, however, I found ... yet
another note in my shoe locker.

     This one said to meet someone in the clubroom at lunch, so
without having a chance to speak to Sasaki before then, I did as the
note suggests.

     When I get to the clubroom, I see an unfamiliar figure leaning
out the window, head slowly swiveling back and forth as he surveys the
figures outside.  He's got a familiar hairstyle, slicked back, and
somewhat greasy looking.  I'm ... not exactly happened to be summoned
by an older man -- he could be a teacher, in that suit, or an
insurance salesman.

     "Are you the one who sent me a letter?" I ask warily.

     "Niiiiiice," the man in the window says appreciatively, before
straightening up and turning around to face me.  "Oh, hey!  Sweet!
Kyon, man!  I haven't seen you in _ages_!  You would _not_ believe
what I had to do to come back to see you again like this!"

     "...Taniguchi's older brother?" I ask, squinting.  "You look at
lot like an older version of him."

     "No, I swear!  It's me!  From the future!  Well, I mean, _more_
in the future, even!  Cool, eh?"

     "Yeah, sure ... what was it you needed to talk to me about, anyway?"

     The man suddenly looks cross, furrowing his brow.  "You don't
believe me, eh?" he wonders, annoyed.  He brightens suddenly.  "Ah!  I
have it!  Okay, check this out," he says, his hands going to his belt,
lightning fast.  "You'll believe me when I show you my birthmark--"

     On my way out the door (okay, yes, this time, totally fleeing), I
nearly collide with Sasaki.  I contemplate, for an instant, dodging
around her, but then I think about the man in the room -- probably,
actually, genuinely Taniguchi, to be so much of a pervert.  Instead of
dodging, I charge right at her, earning myself a yelp of surprise when
I close my arms around her and bear her surprisingly light form down
the hall.

     She offers no real protest until I stop and set her down, shakily
realizing I just dashed down a set of stairs with Sasaki in my arms.
She smooths her clothes out and gives me a strange look.  "In that
room," she says slowly, "was there a man ... taking off his...."

     "Looking for Taniguchi," I answer, shuddering.

     Sasaki nods slowly in response.  "Okay!" she says, shaking her
head.  "Setting ... that aside for the moment, I would like to
apologize for yesterday."

     "I ... what?"  I'm a bit distracted by the whole encounter I just escaped.

     "Ah, yesterday ... I did not really react in a rational manner to
Suou-san's little announcement.  I wasn't listening to you when you
were trying to speak to me, and ... I needed to think about things for
a while to realize why that was.  For various reasons, I simply wish
to say that as my friend, you deserve better than that, and I'm
sorry."

     "...it's fine, it's really fine," I assure her, shaking my head.
"I don't....  I don't even know what Suou was doing -- she just kissed
me out of nowhere!  And ... what we talked about after...."

     "There's no need to go into details," she assures me quickly,
before I can even try and start finding the words.  "I've learned that
... much like I open up to you and trust you with my personal secrets,
so do ... other types of people!  I admire that your earnestness
shines through your rough exterior!  I've learned you're a good
person, but sometimes I worry you might seem off-putting?

     "Now I see I probably worried for nothing!  There's a great
number of people who can recognize and appreciate your real character
... almost at a glance!  That makes me quite happy for you, but you
mustn't tell me Suou-san's secrets until she's ready to share them
with me herself."

     "...okay?" I agree.

     Anyway, that's ... something to sort out later.  For the time
being, a new update for my list:

     Taniguchi -- TIME TRAVELING PERVERT (I never want to know about
that birthmark)

     ***

     After a full evening to thing about things, I realized I needed
to confront everyone, and get all of this confusion squared away.
This was just getting ridiculous.

     I meet Sasaki at the usual spot on the way up the hill, and she
gives me a slightly warmer smile than usual -- which makes me hopeful.
 I tell her, "I think we should have a brief discussion about
something in our study group before we start assignments today."

     "Oh, alright," she says, her smile dimming slightly.  "Well, it's
certain that this has something to do with the things our friends have
been opening up to you about lately.  Am I correct in guessing that
you wouldn't wish to discuss it until then?"

     Ah, Sasaki, ever-reliable Sasaki....  "Yes; that's exactly right.
 You know me as always."

     Her smile strengthens and she replies, "I certainly hope that
never changes too much!"

     Fortified with that reassurance, school is less stressful than
usual.  I practically don't even notice my lessons, just eager to have
all of this confusion and nonsense sorted out.  After that, Sasaki and
I rise from our desks, exchange smiles of reassurance -- though, hers
is, I'm afraid, much stronger than mine -- and march towards
resolution.

     When we get to the clubroom, surprisingly, it's Suzumiya who's
there first, practically bouncing on her seat in excitement, Asahina
in plushy form in her lap.  "Hey, hey!" she cheers, grin widening.
"Great to see you two!"

     "You're in even more exuberant spirits than usual," Sasaki notes.
 "Hmm, I suppose then, you must already know what's about to happen,
Suzumiya-san?"

     "No!" Suzumiya squeals in delight.  "I have _no_ clue!  It's
going to be _so exciting_!"

     Before either of us can respond, Taniguchi troops into the room
behind us, chatting on his cell phone.  "Ah, come on," he complains to
an known listener, "just one chance!  Friday night, you, me, the--
Aw, man...."  He sighs and pockets the thing, glancing across the
assembled group and waving a hand.  "What's up?"

     "So, then," Sasaki presses, continuing her poll and taking a seat
at the table, "do you know what's to come, Taniguchi-kun?"

     "Oh, yeah," he acknowledges distantly, pulling his phone from his
pocket and punching buttons, then shooting me a mild scowl.
"Congratulations, anyway."

     I can't imagine why, but this causes Sasaki's eyes to widen
slightly, and her face to redden just a bit.

     Suou steps in during the silence that follows, and I go to close
the door behind her.  I turn around, and Suou is standing by the
window, behind Sasaki.  Taniguchi is intent on his phone, texting away
wildly, Suzumiya is still bouncing in her seat, staring at me with an
expectant grin.

     "Okay, I'm not even going to try or be subtle or classy about
this," I announce.  Sasaki blinks, sitting back in her seat.
Taniguchi looks up from his phone.  By the window, Suou ever so
slightly tilts her head to one side.  Suzumiya's bouncing ceases, as
her smile impossibly widens.

     "Over the last few days, I've been told by Suzumiya that she is
an alien," I say, pointing at her in accusation.  Turning to Suou, I
add, "Suou claims to be an esper, linked to you, somehow."  Pointing
at Taniguchi, I conclude, "And this guy is just ... an incredible
pervert, and also evidently is from the future."

     All eyes turn to Sasaki.

     She blinks very slowly, and tilts her own head to one side, her
smile fading.  "So ... then, you say that like you believe it.  Have
you seen any proof?" she asks me guardedly.

     "Nothing I can present.  I could just be going crazy," I offer.
"I mean ... my next explanation is that Asahina, our class
representative is also an alien, and Suzumiya turns her into that doll
to bring her into meetings."

     "I ... see," she says slowly, her expression shifting to worry.
Turning to look first at Suzumiya, who now looks about ready to
detonate with raw excitement, trembling in place.

     "Yeah?  Yeah?" the alien prompts expectantly.  "Ask me!  Ask me!
_Ask_--  YES!  I'm _totally_ an alien!  I really am!  It's _true_!"

     "I--  I didn't--"

     "Prove it, Achahina!" Suzumiya demands, swinging the tiny figure
in her arms up and thrusting Asahina towards Sasaki.  "Eh?"

     "Wah!  It's true!" Asahina wails in reply, flailing her tiny arms.

     Sasaki blinks at this several times, one hand going to her head.
"...technology sufficiently advanced as to be indistinguishable from
magic," she finally mumbles.

     "_Exactly_!  I'm like, a super, alien magical girl, or something!"

     "And not actually in a lesbian relationship with Asahina?"

     "The one doesn't have any reason to preclude the other."

     "...on second thought," Sasaki said quietly, shaking her head,
and turning to Suou.  "And ... you're an esper, then?"

     "Yes," Suou answers.

     Suzumiya releases a sigh of contentment, setting Asahina on the
table and leaning back in her chair.

     Long minutes of silence pass while Sasaki looks at Suou,
expecting elaboration.

     I finally explain, "As ... I understand it, she was somehow
chosen by you to handle the, uh, manifestation of your frustration in
some ... metaphysical alternate reality."

     "I ... have that much frustration?" Sasaki asks, alarmed.

     "No," Suou answers without hesitation.

     "That ... does beg the question of why I'd have espers to handle
it, then," Sasaki muses.

     Suou's response is a final, "Yes."

     Turning to the last member of our group, Sasaki asks, "And, you,
Taniguchi-kun?  A time traveler?"

     "In the flesh," he agrees, nodding, offering her a wider grin.
"Hey, now that you know, are you more interested in going out with--"

     "No," she overrides him before he can finish.  "No, thank you.
Well, if I accept these things as true, which for the sake of argument
I shall for the moment, then it shouldn't be merely a coincidence that
such people have assembled.  And all of them have opened up to you,
Kyon!  Therefore, they are assembled because of something to do with
you, or myself!

     "I would logically deduce that it has something to do with you,
because you're the one everyone is comfortable and open with.
However, I see that you don't know what they're truly after ... or at
least, not entirely.  Therefore ... these factors center around me for
reasons that neither of us are entirely aware of."

     "Yep!" Suzumiya agrees, nodding.

     "I could guess, but this is a worrisome situation, so I'll simply
ask," Sasaki says, still not smiling.  "What is it about me that
gathers the attention of such diverse existences?"

     "You shape reality with your will," Suou answers, momentarily
staggering me by speaking so much.  "Your desires can become reality."

     "Yeah, that's it," Taniguchi agrees, nodding.

     Sasaki blinks at this several times, and then closes her eyes.
"I ... see.  This is rather a lot to take in.  Really, being honest,
I'm not certain I'm prepared for it!" she says, her voice trembling.

     Well, this isn't what I was expecting, either!  But what can I do?

     "Kiss her, you dumb-ass!" Suzumiya says, rolling her eyes.  "She
gets emotionally uncertain, you reassure her, the world is saved --
come on!  Let's get to an action sequence, already!"

     "No--  No," Sasaki protests, bolting to her feet and backing away
from me in alarm -- towards the window.  She collides with Suou, who
prevents Sasaki from stepping back further with one effortless hand.
"I--  I want--  I can't accept that!  That Kyon could be forced--  For
my benefit--  No!"

     ...well, that's more flattering than her just not wanting to kiss
me, but: "Wait, what are--  Aren't you taking her a bit too seriously,
Sasaki?"

     "I....  It's starting to make sense," she says, her voice even
shakier.  "Really, everything ... oh, I don't want this!"

     "Dude, kiss," Taniguchi prompts, not moving from his seat.  "Save
the world, eh?  It's pretty much pre-determined, anyway."

     I really wish that he'd shut up; I don't think I've ever felt a
greater desire to punch a time traveler.

     "Sasaki, why don't we all just calm down?" I suggest.  "It's ...
not like you to get this excited!"

     "Ah, yes," she says, shaking her head, one hand rising to her
temple for a moment as her eyes close.  After a few deep breaths, she
lowers her hand to her side.  "For ... the moment, I believe I have
things under control.  Ah ... this is ... a scary sensation, though!"

     "Is there anything I can do to help?" I ask cautiously, shooting
a dark look at Suzumiya and Taniguchi, who are both watching us
expectantly.

     "A kiss is just a symbol," Asahina offers from the table
unexpectedly.  "Sasaki-san is in a concerned state and just requires
reassurance.  A kiss is a symbol of emotional connection, but it
doesn't have to be the only one."

     "I don't want any symbol if it's coerced," Sasaki counters,
shaking her head sharply.  "I won't accept it!"

     "Well, wait, if I understand any of this, it's not a problem if
it's something I don't mind, is it?" I ask.  "So, it'll be okay if I
want to do it anyway?"

     She gives me a strange smile at that.  "Can I know that you
really want it, and it's not a product of my--"

     "Yeah, he's immune to mental suggestion from you," Suzumiya
interrupts.  "Your subconscious mind doesn't want that either."

     "I ... very much want to believe that," Sasaki says uncertainly.

     ...wait.  Really?  Fine, then.

     Reassured by that, but not quite bold enough to try kissing
Sasaki, I move to her side and give her a hug -- not that different
from the time I grabbed her to flee Taniguchi's future self.  She
doesn't resist, and in fact, after a moment, leans back into me.

     "Aw, man, they dodged the kiss," Suzumiya grouses.

    "Told ya," Taniguchi replies.  "Now the hook up, right?"

     "Well," Sasaki says, pushing me away from her gently, prompting
me to break the embrace and back away.  "Even ... after that, while I
do actually feel better, I don't believe that I could handle it if
Kyon suddenly confessed to me right now."

     Okay, yeah, sure.  Given the choice of people in the room right
now, Sasaki is absolutely the one I'd date.  It's not anything new
that she wouldn't want to date _me_, but somehow, I had gotten the
impression that she had started to change her mind recently.  "If ...
you're saying what I think you're saying," I start.

     "I misspoke," she says with a slow smile, giggling.  "I meant ...
if you were to confess before I got my chance ... and then you were to
take your time and make your own choice about a reply.  I'm afraid
that somehow, the circumstances aren't what I imagined, but it's clear
enough anyway...."

     Actually, that works just fine for me, as crazy as everything has
been.  "Absolutely," I agree.  "As things stand, let's take one thing
at a time, right?"

     "Right!" she says with a giggle.  "And, I apologize for wanting
to defer everything else after this, but it would be comforting to me
anyway, so ... shall our next task be our homework?"

     Well, that should be just fine too, I think, mentally updating an
entry in my list:

     Sasaki -- REALITY WARPER (and my girlfriend, someday)

     -------------------------------------------

     Author's notes:
     Uh, wow.  Judging by the word-count/line ratio, this is really,
really dialog heavy.  Anyway.  The premise (as such) was pretty much:

     Reality warper: excitable, unstable, self-centered --> Sasaki
     Time traveler: cute, likable, vulnerable and uninformed --> Taniguchi
     Alien: stoic, introverted, patient --> Haruhi
     Esper: insightful, outspoken, philosophical --> Kuyou

     And then for fun:
     Antagonistic alien: cruel, calculating, capable --> Mikuru

     Yeap.  A bit annoyed with myself that half of the jokes were
basically fan-service, but Taniguchi allowed me to play up some
hilarious fan disservice, too.  Well.  I think.  >_>

-- 
Brian Randall
--
Yrne awaits those with the courage to seek it.
--
I write fanfiction. Too much of it. You can read it here, on my
terrible webpage:
http://pishoque.net/brian/