[FFML] [fanfic][Yotsuba&!][oneshot] Fuuka & Home
fanfic at inklesspen.com
Thu Sep 15 13:20:13 PDT 2011
On 9/15/11 12:29 AM, Mythril Moth wrote:
> Then, she threw herself at Koiwai and wrapped herself around him. "And
> thank you, Kotashi...I promise you won't ever regret this. I'll make
> sure every day together with you is the most enjoyable day. I promise.
> I'll be the best wife you could ever hope for."
> Koiwai smiled and embraced her. "I know you will, Fuuka-chan. I know you
And then the Broodax (http://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2007/05/04)
exploded out of Mr. Koiwai, Fuuka, and Mrs. Ayase.
I hadn't been reading your "Pretty Neighbor" continuity fics, because
I'm completely unfamiliar with that. But I decided to give this a shot.
I now regret that.
Fuuka's growing obsession in this story is not healthy. You have Mr.
Koiwai and Mrs. Ayase recognize this, but they don't do anything about
it. This is not a series like NGE, where there are no therapists. This
is supposed to be a slice of life series. For one thing, the Mr. Koiwai
shown in the manga would move the fuck away if that was the only thing
he could do in this situation.
And then you have this obsession suddenly be normalized as healthy after
all, in a scene where half the characters must be operating on
Twitter-esque character limits, as that's the only reason for them to be
as inarticulate as they are portrayed here.
I'm sorry to have to say this, but I think your time would be better
spent writing for a different series. ANY OTHER SERIES.
I don't know what you think you're writing, but this is not Yotsuba&,
and these are not the Yotsuba& characters. You're soiling Yotsuba&.
Please stop doing so.
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