[FFML] [NGE] Before and After - Chapter 8

[Henry Cobb]

On Wed, Jun 29, 2011 at 11:49 AM, Michael Clark <eta.bootis at gmail.com> wrote:
> I met the Fifth one week after I was brought to life again.

Try to avoid pasting two distinct numbers next to each other like
this, by say inserting the word "child" between them.

> He stiffened.  He stopped at the corner, facing away.

Stiffened then skidded to a stop? In his skin tight outfit?

> Ikari-kun was right.  I found my locker quickly.  I removed my clothes.
> I donned the white suit, and a button at the wrist tightened it.  The
> material conformed to my flesh.  I stored my [school] uniform in the locker.

Suggested clarification.

> There must've been a reason.

That line doesn't do much for me.  How about "He knew I was a fake."

> But she was right about the other thing.  I'd been looking for Ikari-kun
> over those six days.  I'd seen him little since he visited me in the
> hospital.  At that time, I still wore my bandages.  The major had said,
> one of those days, that Ikari-kun and I were connected.  "When I held
> you in my apartment," she'd said, "it was Shinji-kun who called in the
> cavalry to save you.  You left that night in a hurry, and it saddened
> him, but he wouldn't say what happened or why."

One of those days seems like an odd term.  How about having Rei throw
in an exact day here, just to show she's weird?.

> and a bag of
> intravenous fluids hung from a stand.

fluid, not plural.

> To the sound of the overhead speaker, a pair of nurses jogged by.

They're playing jogging music or what?

> He looked at my shoes.  "But Ayanami[, you] came to visit; that's nice of you."

Without that part it seems like he's talking to her in third person.
If you want him to stumble in and out of third then space that out a
bit.

> "You're not leaving?" he said again.  "That's okay; maybe..."  He
> stepped back.  "Maybe it's better if I just take this [a]way.  I don't want
> the nurses upset because of the food or anything, since I have to go."

Yes, or which way?

> There was a _thud_.  The tray tilted.  Ikari-kun ran headlong into a
> defibrillation cart.  The bowl of stew flipped end-over-end.  It missed
> the paddles and the two attendants.  It didn't miss Ikari-kun.

Does she look outside the room? I don't get the angle here.

> We sat together on the futon.  With a bed right beside it, I surmised he
> preferred the floor, but I didn't ask--not then.

By not saying sleeping here, you've got an implication going on.

> "You speak of aliens," I said.
>
> "Ah, so you've heard the term!"

Isn't fighting them her day job?

> Some of that is
> true, the rest lies, but all of it is incomplete.

You need some sort of number agreement here. Perhaps delete "of that".

> This boy--he knew things he shouldn't have.  I told myself it'd be
> reasonable to stay, if only to find out what he knew, but...
>
> I sat, and the Fifth, with a smile, continued.

So did she take off her shoes or not?

> the first ones lived on, their planet was dying.  The great and many
> creatures that grew in the soil, swam through the seas, or flew through
> the air--all died or were irrevocably corrupted.  Can you see it, First?
> A sky with no birds, an ocean with no fish?  A place where the soil
> itself is inert and hasn't a trace of microscopic life?  That was the
> world they woke up to."

How could anything have lived in the soil if the soil was already
completely covered.

> "You'd think humanity would be grateful for this turn, happy to be
> alive, but they weren't.  So determined they are to achieve something
> higher than their existence, they disturbed Adam.  They ripped the soul
> of Adam from the giant's body.  They set off the cataclysm they call
> _Second Impact_.  And that, First, is why we're both here, isn't it?  To
> keep Adam's children from returning to their progenitor?  The people
> here--they hold Adam's body in the place they call _Terminal Dogma_.
> Ikari Gendo--he hopes to make that body part of his own, but that isn't
> enough."

The underscores are getting a bit much here, especially for somebody
who's famous for being understated.


> He grinned.  It was serene; it was chilling.  I stood up, backing away,
> and he rose, too.

His grin is it?  The pronouns are a jumble here.

Nicely done, which choose your adventure ending do you put forwards?

-HJC