[FFML] [Lime] The Eclipse of Haruhi Suzumiya

[Brian Randall]

Sorry for the belated commentary, things have been busy lately.

On Sat, Jun 18, 2011 at 1:57 AM, Henry Cobb <henry.cobb at gmail.com> wrote:
> [Lime] The Eclipse of Haruhi Suzumiya
> By Henry J. Cobb

This should be interesting.

> I had taken it upon myself to protect the two girls from Haruhi's
> schemes. Yuki never spoke up and hadn't asserted herself at all when Haruhi
> stormed in to take over her room. And Mikuru had only feebly complained
> when Haruhi dragged her into the clubroom and molested her. Mikuru had been
> at the verge of tears when I pulled Haruhi's hands off her. The thought of
> what might happen if I wasn't there ensured that I always attended the
> daily meetings.

Not sure that third sentence should start with 'and'.  (I do it myself
for stylism all the time, though, so.)  Either way, both sentences
have 'Mikuru' at the start; you've already established that she's a
sophmore, so that would let you avoid repetition in such proximity
there.

> As I stood then walked to Haruhi's side, I considered what had just
> happened. I must have imagined it all. People do not change that much in a
> lifetime, much less a moment. I looked over Haruhi's shoulder at the
> computer screen, "Yes, what is it?"

Missing speech indicator.  You can probably cheat and just move the
dialog down to a new line, and it'd be fine.

> "Make a webpage for the SOS Brigade while I go search for the remaining
> members."

members -- member (?)

> "No," Yuki turned the page and continued reading, "I saw nothing."

Heh.

No," Yuki -- No."  Yuki

reading, "I -- reading.  "I


> That night my dreams were haunted by that strange woman Mikuru had suddenly
> become and then un-become as quickly. She wore a thousand different faces,
> but each time she had that same inhuman grace. I saw her in thousand
> different outfits and as often in none at all. She danced, we danced
> together and in the end we did other things. Finally she turned to me and
> said, "Kyon, we can meet together if you like. But she must never know."

'meet together' seems a bit awkward.  Maybe 'be together' or 'meet like this'?

> "Kyon! Wake up, it's morning!" My little sister pulled me and my blankets
> off my bed, then she turn and ran from my room, "Mom! Kyon's wet the bed
> again."

Missing speech indicator.

Hehe.

room, "Mom -- room.  "Mom

> It wasn't urine. I showered and dressed then gathered up my blanket, sheets
> and pajamas and put them all in the clothes washer and started it up before
> leaving for school.

Somehow, that seems lacking in snark.  I'd expect Kyon's response to
be a bit more along the lines of, "It's not my bladder I lost control
of."

> I spent the lunch period in the clubroom, working on the website while
> reading a book on webdesign. Had the stress of putting up with Haruhi
> gotten to me? I found it hard to focus on the screen as my thoughts drifted
> to the woman concealed within Mikuru. I hungered to see her again, but what
> could I say that wouldn't make me sound like a total freak?

Kyon: On the other hand, I probably have the world's _best_ reaction
to too much stress.  I think I feel a nap coming on....

> I reached out to take the bookmark and my hand brushed against hers. Then I
> reached up with both hands to grasp hers, "Yuki, you're so cold, like
> ice. Sitting all the time must be murder on your circulation."

That speech indicator thing again.  I'll stop harping on that now (for
this e-mail).

> She stood there for a moment, closed her eyes and sighed. Then she slowly
> withdrew her hands from mine to fold them against her thin chest. She
> looked at me with hurt, fright and perhaps a tiny bit of hunger, which
> quickly faded to her usual expressionless face, "Excuse me please," she
> bowed ever so slightly to me and walked to the door. She stopped at the
> door and said "Seven p.m." without turning then left.

Should be a comma after 'said'. >.>

Technically, this is a different rant. <.<

> I glanced at the bookmark, All that was written there was an address and
> what might have been a room number.

Either that comma should be a period, or that 'All' shouldn't be capitalized.

> "Oh, I don't know. Does it show?" Mikuru stretched in her chair in the most
> amazing way then waited for me to close my mouth and look back up at her
> face before smiling at me.

It's amusing how Ryouko-like this makes Mikuru.

> "Oh you poor little boy," Mikuru leaned over the table to play with my
> hair, "Don't worry about me. I'm the professional."

'The' or 'a'?  I could see it being either, with divinity!

> I sat there unmoving. I knew her claim to be only one year older than
> myself was a lie. It was a damn lie. But I suspected, like most women, that
> she would never admit to her true age.

Not sure why he's getting worked up about it.  Maybe 'blatant' instead
of 'damn'?

> I glanced over at Mikuru, who had returned to her seat in an instant and
> had instantly returned to being that clumsy insecure girl.

instant -- instantly -- to avoid repetition, I'd change the second to
simultaneously (or reword).

> A few minutes later Haruhi opened the door. I saw that she and Mikuru were
> both dressed like playboy bunnies. Mikuru was hunched over and trying to
> cover herself with her arms, while Haruhi presented herself, hand on hip.
> Yuki hadn't moved or changed at all of course.

Isn't Playboy a proper noun?

> Mikuru was sobbing when they came back and I found myself wondering if this
> act was to make it impossible for the facility to keep them long so as to
> spare Haruhi.

Now there's a thought....

> Her living room had just a kotatsu and not even drapes for the patio
> doors. She motioned for me to sit at the kotatsu. She went into an
> adjoining room and returned with a tea tray. I watched how she carefully
> stayed out of my reach as she poured a cup of tea for me. If she was so
> afraid that I would attack her at any moment then why invite me to visit
> her alone? I pondered the question as I drank the tea.

Hehehe.  She just doesn't want to accidentally turn Amaterasu's
favorite toy into an ice-cube.

> "My apologies again. My body is not as beguiling as those of my older
> sisters."

*snrk*

> "My master has a message for you. It is to take care of his sister, for her
> condition is delicate. I would advise you to not upset him. My master has a
> notable temper."

Kyon: Exactly what part of Haruhi is delicate?

> "There's nothing delicate about her, or the inner Mikuru for that matter."
>
> "My master has his reasons."

Nice how she totally ignores the Mikuru comment.

> "Enough of that crap. Whoever this master is, just let me know the
> details. I can get you free from whatever it is because you have rights as
> a human being."
>
> "You cannot, for I am not. Please remember what I have said and keep it a
> secret. It would be best if you kept Mikuru Asahina's secret as well."

Heh.  I think she should explain herself a little bit more -- or at
least Kyon would try to explore his misguided offer of freedom a bit
further.

> -HJC
> (Obviously the next member would have to be a real fox and occasional boy.)

Kyon: I am very nervous about those last two words.
Itsuki: :)

Ah, well--  Interesting stuff.  Thankfully devoid of schadenfreude,
though I'm kind of curious where it's going.  In this world, it seems
that instead of having minor influence, Kyon just has an unexpected
backstage pass to the real action.  Is that the inversion?  This time,
he's the only real observer?

...yeah, okay, I feel slow, now.  That's pretty clever.  Thanks for sharing.

-- 
Brian Randall
--
I write fanfiction. Too much of it. You can read it here, thanks to a
kind grant from the Larry F foundation:
http://www.florestica.com/brandall/
--
Together. Allegiance or death. BIGFIRE!
--
Haiku of my lament:

Forgive my spelling,
my U.S. education,
is the source of blame.