[FFML] Magical Knights Suzumiya

[Brian Randall]

Yay!  Another Haruhi fic!

Standard disclaimers apply.

On Wed, Jun 8, 2011 at 8:27 PM, Henry Cobb <henry.cobb at gmail.com> wrote:
> Magical Knights Suzumiya
> By Henry J. Cobb

Hmm....   So ... Kyon inadvertently convinces Haruhi he's a sentai
hero or otherwise?  (Guessing; haven't read it yet.)

> She kept her eyes closed and her arms around me.  She seemed to wait in
> bliss and then finally opened her eyes, "What is it Kyon?"

eyes, "What -- eyes.  "What

No speech indicator.

> "Do you trust me?"
>
> "What kind of question is that?  What do you think you'll get away with in
> the middle of the day on a park bench?"

Kyon: "Anything, if I make it sound interesting enough."
Haruhi: "Point."

> "More that that.  I need you to trust me on something that goes against
> everything you know Haruhi."

know Haruhi -- know, Haruhi

> "I never gave you permission to use my first name lackey."

name lackey." -- name, lackey."

Also, unless this is happening May of the first year, it's kind of
late for her to be complaining about that.

> "That's it. Unhand me you fool."

me you -- me, you

At this point I'll note that the dialog up to here could really use
some description to help it along.  If Kyon's not snarking or musing
in there every so often, it doesn't feel quite right.

> "Not yet," I kept my arms around her, my face centimeters from hers, "I
> have to say something that you can't block out."

yet," I -- yet."  I
hers, "I -- hers.  "I

Those are three separate sentences, I think.

> "You're scaring me Kyon."

me Kyon -- me, Kyon

> "An unfamiliar feeling isn't it.  All your life you've gotten away with
> whatever you wanted and each time you've gone a little bit further because
> nobody's ever stopped you.  You have no fear because you don't see any
> consequences to your actions, and it's all a lie."

feeling isn't it.  -- feeling, isn't it?

> "Haruhi Suzumiya, you are god."

Hum.  Koizumi originally says that there are some people who think
that -- but not even he's one of them.  Kyon's certainly never
compared her to a goddess (unlike Nagato), so it seems pretty clear
he's not one either. >_>

However, this is powerful fannon, so if it's needed....  I'll just
grouse about it. :)

> "No!"  She struggled as her gaze gulped down the truth in my eyes, "It can't
> be.  It can't be," She closed her eyes again and hugged me tightly, "But it
> is. Somehow I've always known.  Everything, it's all my fault.  All the
> hunger, disease, hatred, killing and suffering, it's all my fault."

...please don't go Riddle of Kyon on us. >_<

eyes, "It -- eyes.  "It
be," She -- be."  She
tightly, "But -- tightly.  "But


> "No," I grabbed her by the shoulders and pushed her back a little bit, "The
> world is a good place because you are innately a good person. There are evil
> people who do evil things, but that is their choice.  You have given us all
> free will because you are not an evil puppet master, well outside of your
> own life at least."

No," I -- No."  I
bit, "The -- bit.  "The
are innately a -- are an innately (?)
are evil people who do evil things -- are people who do evil things (?)

I suggest turning that last comma into a full stop and moving that
last part to Kyon's thoughts instead of him speaking it aloud.  I'm
guessing Haruhi's going to ignore it anyway.  Well, she doesn't
respond directly; I stand by that suggestion.

> "I must," She was crying with eyes closed, "I must be punished for the
> things I have done.  Living my own life without a care for all the
> miserable millions."

must," She -- must.  "She
closed, "I -- closed.  "I

This doesn't feel right for Haruhi's reaction.  I can't help but think
that her reaction would be, "Well, I didn't know before, but now I can
fix things!" or something along those lines.

> The sunshine vanished as the sky turned an all too familiar shade of gray.

all too familiar -- all-too-familiar (I think?)

> At that moment three girls appeared.  They wore gaudy colorful costumes and
> had unusually large eyes.  The red eyed girl with her red hair in a braided
> ponytail looked around and then pointed her sword at Haruhi, "There she
> is. Kill the princess and take her stuff!"

red eyed -- red-eyed

Pointing a sword is not a speech indicator.  (Though it can drive the
point home!)

Haruhi, "There -- Haruhi.  "There

> "Don't hold back," Yuki turned to the intruder with long blue hair and
> spoke in binary.  Both blue haired girls froze.

There's no explanation if it's Umi or Yuki speaking here, before the
binary bit.  Even with that, I'm not sure who said anything.

> Mikuru turned to the girl with green eyes and wavy blond hair, "You must
> be new here. I'm Mikuru Asahina, nice to meet you."

hair, "You -- hair.  "You
Missing speech indicator.

> "Oh, I'm Fuu Hououji," the blond moved her sword to the side so she could
> curtsy.

You know what?  Pretty much every instance of dialog in this fic so
far leads into/out of narrative, improperly and there are almost no
speech indicators.  At the same time, you capitalized correctly, so
... something ate/garbled your punctuation?  Anyway, you're probably
pretty tired of me pointing them all out, so I'll leave off on that;
I'm sure you've gotten the gist of it by now.

> Mikuru tripped over nothing, fell forwards, knocked Fuu over and kicked
> Fuu's sword away, "Oh how clumsy of me, let me give you a hand up," Mikuru
> elbowed the smaller girl in the face.

Would suggest replacing 'Fuu's' with 'her'.

> "What is your power villain?" The red haired girl asked him.

power villain -- power, villain

> The pain was indescribable as the red haired girl ran her sword through my
> chest and then it got even worse as she braced her boot against my prone
> form to pull it out.

chest and -- chest, and

> I could only lie there as Haruhi stood, with her hands to her sides and
> waited. The red haired girl decapitated her with one swipe of her blade.

red haired -- red-haired

> Haruhi's head blinked as the last squirrelly little thought left her
> squirrelly little head and then the world vanished.

Um.  Interesting.  Didn't go where I thought it would.

nothing constructive to add

> -HJC

-- 
Brian Randall
--
I write fanfiction. Too much of it. You can read it here, thanks to a
kind grant from the Larry F foundation:
http://www.florestica.com/brandall/
--
Together. Allegiance or death. BIGFIRE!
--
Haiku of my lament:

Forgive my spelling,
my U.S. education,
is the source of blame.