[FFML] [Haruhi] [Dark] Error in Calculation: Chapter Five

Chester Castañeda chester.castaneda at gmail.com
Sat Mar 27 23:13:59 PDT 2010


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On Fri, Mar 19, 2010 at 1:00 AM, Brian Randall <durandall at gmail.com> wrote:
>     Error in Calculation
>
>     Chapter Five: The Last Morning

Yay? So I'm guessing chapter six is an epilogue of sorts. Will the
last chapter contain a mandatory M. Night Shyamalammadingdong twist? I
hope not, those mandatory twists are old hat.

>        A 'Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi' fanfiction.
>
>     Her world was supposed to be full of smiles and joy.

Then this Brian Randall fanfic author came along and changed things. Forever.

> She wase an

Revise: wase --> was (typo)

Grammar Rule #0: Watch out for speling erors and typoes.

To err is to be human. So is to snark and feel Schadenfreude.

>     Things started going wrong the day that her friend, Asahina
> Mikuru came over in tears, sobbing endlessly about classified
> information and death.

LOL. I'm sorry, I know you were going for a serious atmosphere here,
but being reminded of Asahina's classified information thing gave me a
chuckle.

Again, it's the Schadenfreude thing.

>     Still, how could you spread joy and cheer if you just ignored
> everyone who was unhappy, especially when they were supposed to be
> your friends?

Haruhi: (shrugs) Works for me.

> She'd tried her best to cheer Mikuru up, even though
> she had no idea who this 'Kyon' person she was so broken up about was.
>  A boyfriend Mikuru had just never mentioned?  A classmate that
> Tsuruya just hadn't met?

Er, so this is before that filming of that school festival thing? The
mixed-up episode were cute, but it doesn't confuse the hell out of
most anime-only viewers of Haruhi when it comes to trying to
chronologically make sense of events.

(thinks) Now I know how Doctor Manhattan feels... You know, save for
the swinging wiener thing on a CGI-sculpted body. >_>

>     Twice a day, the door would open, a grim-faced man would walk
> into her own room with a tray, ignoring her struggles and curses,
> inject the still-sleeping Mikuru with ... something ... then point a
> pistol at her and tell her that it was her job to take care of her
> friend.  She had no desire to make _that_ man smile and laugh, but she

What makes him laugh probably involves Nightmare Fuel and women's
rights violations.

Haruhi: Hmmm?

....

>     After that, she was left alone.  Struggling chafed her wrists and
> ankles until they bled, and she'd tried gnawing at the cords binding
> her wrists, but they were rough and tore at her lips and gums.

They probably should have gagged her.

>     So she waited as patiently as she could.  She wasn't certain how,
> but she was confident that some day, hopefully soon, she'd be able to

Suggest: some day --> someday

> heartbeat later, a kindly looking face with pale green eyes gazed into

Suggest: pale-green

>     "Momentarily," she allowed.  "I do not wish to be abandoned here.
>  Except for relying on direct access to my superiors, I do not have

You auto-format your fics, aren't you? Because there's a stray space
before "Except", and I have a feeling it came from the double space
you used after "abandoned here".

>     Itsuki's eyes widened in amazement as his hand was freed from
> whatever force held it in place, though all of his strength couldn't
> budge it from the girl's grip for a heartbeat.  She slowly, tenderly
> raised his wrist to her face ... and bit him.

Itsuki: (unfazed) I had a fangirl do this to me once in a
meet-and-greet back in 2007.

>     She blinked at him innocently, raising a fingertip to her lips.
> "I'm sorry ... was that your first?"

Well, with a woman, perhaps.

>     "No!" he snapped, before shaking his head.  "Well....  No, that

Suggest: snapped, before --> snapped before

> doesn't-  We're getting a bit off subject."

Suggest: off subject --> off-topic / off the subject / off-subject

>     "Koizumi Itsuki," he introduced himself, irritated that he could
> still feel the heat in his face.  "A...anyway, I was trying to rescue

Aw, he's back to being pissed off. You already know how I feel about
angry-bishonen Koizumi, so I won't repeat myself. I'm also surprised
to see him so flustered. Almost thought he was one of those Casanova
bishonen types that don't get flustered by womanly attention all that
often.

>     "It was intended that I be mistaken for Suzumiya Haruhi," Emiri
> reassured him.  "However, you have a vested interest in her.  May I
> ask your long term goals?"

Revise: long term --> long-term (hyphenate compound descriptors)

Grammar Rule #73: Compound-descriptors should be hyphenated, and non
compound descriptors should be separated.

>     The girl's smile brightened, and Itsuki was uncomfortably
> reminded of the smile he practiced himself every day in the mirror
> before going to school.  "That is very fortuitous!  This happens to be
> our goal as well."

As an aside, a time traveler, an alien, and an esper are the perfect
clean-up crew to the theoretically goddess-like Haruhi. Huh. "God"
knows best.

>     Akasaka stared dumbly at the empty space where Koizumi Itsuki had
> appeared, before he seized Haruhi -- who Oishi had claimed was

Revise: appeared, before --> appeared before (no need for the comma;
limit the prepositional phrase asides if they're not needed)

Grammar Rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary.
Parenthetical words, however, should be enclosed in commas.

>     Akasaka barked a laugh, then shook his head, closing his eyes and
> taking a long minute to collect his thoughts.  "This is insane," he
> finally groaned.  "Okay.  I'll believe you, Oishi-kun.  Asakura Ryouko

I just noticed something. You're using "finally" a lot throughout your
fic. Watch out for it so that you can add more variety to your
narrative.

Suggest: finally groaned --> ultimately groaned / at last groaned /
groaned in the end

> was ... something else ... and she was ... killed by Nagato Yuki and
> Kimidori Emiri.  What ... exactly is it they want from us?"

More importantly: Why are you talking like William Shatner?

>     Emiri's hand reached out and intercepted the weapon before it
> reached Koizumi.  "Please do not do that," she said mildly, as the

Revise: mildly, as --> mildly as

>     "Our manner of vanishing and reappearing is jarring to an
> informed world-view," Emiri said, ducking her head.  "Apologies."

Revise: world-view --> worldview (dictionary-verifiable word, no need
for the hyphen)

Grammar Rule #57: Hyphenate words that should be hyphenated (usually
compound-descriptors) and unhyphenate words that shouldn't be
hyphenated, even though it'd seem that either form is correct (Don't
leave those words hanging in mid-air!).

>     "I'll say," Koizumi murmured, crossing his arms over his chest
> and giving the NPA agent a mild smirk.  "So, Kimidori-san says we're
> working together?"

Suggest: So, --> So (comma muyo)

>     "You've seen," Akasaka clarified.  "Koizumi Itsuki is still
> suspected of being part of a large illegal financial scheme, aside
> from which, he fled the country.  Or used a lookalike with his own

Revise: lookalike --> look-alike (use a hyphen)

>     "We may possess that ability, but it is both unsubtle and lacking
> in direction," Emiri explained.

I'd say.

>     "I can tell you some about the Organization, but I was kept in

Revise: some about --> something about / some information about / etc.
(missing word/poor choice of words)

Grammar Rule #38: Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
> and I split from them, and I'm trying to rally the others ... like
> myself, to unify for our purpose regardless of what the Organization

Revise: You don't need the comma there. Unnecessary pause.

> the investigation.  She had nothing to offer about Student K, at
> least, according to Aida-chan."

Suggest: K, at least, according --> K ... at least, according

>     Koizumi looked thoughtful, turning to look at the detective.
> Akasaka fell into his chair again, crossing his arms over his chest.
> "Would that be Mizuno Aida?" the boy asked cautiously.

Aaaaah. His name was Mizuno. _That's_ why I kept thinking he was a
girl. My bad. :P

Mizuno Aida: Shabon Spray!

>     Oishi's face contorted, before he closed his eyes and took a

Revise: contorted, before --> contorted before (no need for the comma there)

http://www.northland.cc.mn.us/owl/comma_rules.htm

Do not use a comma between a verb and its complement. Rarely will you
ever put a comma before a preposition. Do so only to emphasize the
prepositional phrase or to avoid misreading.

Example:

Incorrect: Since coming to the United States and becoming a citizen,
Safira has never failed, to vote in an election.

Correct: Since coming to the United States and becoming a citizen,
Safira has never failed to vote in an election.

>     "Koizumi-kun here just needs to be seen entering the estate,"
> Akasaka explained.  "He's already wanted for questioning.  We can
> release Suzumiya--  Ah, sorry, Kimidori-san, here, and he can 'abduct'

Suggest: Suzumiya-- Ah --> Suzumiya -- Ah (because you seem to always
use the dash and the ellipsis with spaces on either end of them)

> her, drag her into the Tsuruya estate, and then ... vanish.  At this
> point, I'll mobilize the Special Assault Team -- we can probably
> consider this on level with terrorism, given the passport violations,
> abduction of Suzumiya Haruhi, and everything else in this case that's
> gone wrong."

Suggest: Tsuruya estate --> Tsuruya Estate (I think it's being used as
a proper noun there, hence the capitalization; here and henceforth,
because you used the "Tsuruya estate" moniker quite a lot throughout
the fic)

http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/capitals.htm

That sounds like a great plan. Even in the face of forces beyond their
ken and control, Akasaka has managed to make himself useful once again
and not be window dressing for the rest of the fic. I approve.

>     "I'm confident they _have_ been," Koizumi corrected.  "They could
> be gone, now, for all I know."

Suggest: be gone, now, for --> be gone now, for

>     "The path is somewhat convoluted, but if that is where Asahina
> Mikuru is, or leads to the revelation of her physical location, then I
> will agree," Emiri said after a pause.  "However, Nagato-san and I
> will switch places, so it would be convenient for our fiction if I

For your "fiction"? Don't you mean "faction" or is "fiction" being
used here to connote the constructed story you're attempting to
create?

You may (or may not) have broken...

Grammar Rule #74: Proofread carefully to avoid unintentional
puns/homonym-type spilling mistakes because their usually hard to
fined using a spellchecker. Disc musk nut bee aloud two ha pen.

> could be returned to her apartment, first."  She turned to Koizumi,

Suggest: apartment, first --> apartment first

>     Koizumi accepted the paper, studying it briefly before pocketing
> it.  "Kimidori-san, why are you and Nagato-san going to be switching,
> anyway?"

"Going to be switching" sounds weird and redundant to me.
Grammar-wise, it's not breaking any rules, but IMHO-wise, it sounds
wrong when read aloud.

Suggest: Kimidori-san, why are you planning to switch places with
Nagato-san anyway?

>     "Nagato-san is more suited to emergency combat situations," Emiri
> answered.  "Her functions are slightly more active than mine, even
> though we are both assigned as observers."

They seem to have almost every contingency planned. I'll just wait and
see if everything comes off without a hitch or (more likely for the
sake of drama) something happens to induce even more conflict.

>     "You aren't all the same thing?" Akasaka asked, frowning.

Akasaka is making a common mistake for those unfamiliar with the
supernatural, I'm sure.

>     Emiri's eyes fixed on Koizumi in warning, but he either didn't
> catch it, or pretended not to notice.  "Let's leave it at that," she

Revise: it, or --> it or (comma muyo)

> said gently.  "What we are is not relevant here."

I actually have no idea why she's giving him the eye myself. Does the
information behind that contain spoilers for the novel, dear author?

>     Koizumi pursed his lips, then nodded.  "Okay," he said, finally.

Suggest: said, finally --> said finally

> "I should be able to arrange for a driver.  However, I want your word
> that if you capture my handler, you'll go easy on," a momentary pause,
> which both Oishi and Akasaka had been trained to catch, "him."

Koizumi: Darn it, if I were speaking real Japanese instead of English
that's supposed to be Japanese, then I wouldn't have to worry so much
about pronouns!

>     "Fine," Oishi allowed, nodding, trading a knowing glance with his
> NPA counterpart.  "As long as we don't see your handler actually
> harming or trying to harm anyone, we'll go as easy on them as we can."

Suggest: easy on them --> easy on him (then again, I'm almost willing
to accept this break in grammar for the sake of informal usage and
keeping the gender of Koizumi's handler vague.

>     The boy's smile totally vanished and he looked ill, shaking his
> head unhappily.  "We need Asahina Mikuru," he grumbled, frowning.

I haven't seen Koizumi this troubled and not-self-assured since... er,
the arc that should not be named.

Koizumi: It's easier to smile at Haruhi-san's well-meaning antics than
to watch out for sniper fire. I'm an esper, not a ghost.

>     "If absolutely required, I will substitute myself for Asahina
> Mikuru and submit to questioning," Emiri interrupted.  "However,
> Nagato-san and myself are encountering ... limited resources to work
> with, in preparation for more advanced plans.  It would be preferable

Suggest: with, in --> with in (comma muyo)

> abilities will undergo quantum breakdown and cease working as she
> embraces the new reality over the current one.  We cannot know what
> new world she will attempt to create yet, but the slow realization she
> is enduring ensures that this world will be destroyed by her in the
> process, not simply abandoned."

Haruhi: (in the mood for a gender-flip world)

Fandom: (cannot wait to read or watch about the Adventures of Lady
Snarker Kyonko)

>     Back in closed space, Itsuki streaked across the sky towards the
> train-station listed on Oishi's scrawled note, swiftly following the

Revise: train-station --> train station (unless there's a reason
behind your hyphenation of that AFAIK non-hyphenated word; I'm all
ears)

>     Nagato's head nodded slightly.  "Her brain chemistry has been
> augmented to lessen the impact of the negative emotions she is
> experiencing," she explained.  "Actually altering her thought pattern
> and process is not advisable.

If the person holding reality intact were lobotomized or suffering
slight retardation, who knows what'll happen to the world?

Kyon: (eyebrow raised) What? She isn't already?

> She also experiences frequent surges of
> inhibitors to encourage sleep.  The less time she is aware, the longer
> it will take her to completely destroy our reality."

Ah, so this was what you meant when you said that you were
foreshadowing something. You shouldn't feel too worried about readers
picking up your foreshadowing clues; isn't that what foreshadowing is
for anyway? To keep the readers who are paying enough attention to
such things amused, at least?

>     Itsuki wanted to yell at the TFEI before him, scream that it was
> unjust, that it was wrong....  Anything but admit that, all things

Maybe you should have another cup of coffee, Itsuki. ^^; This is the
most hot-blooded I've ever seen Itsuki, even though it's mostly
through his internal monologues via narrative.

> considered, the plan was sensible and infinitely more merciful than
> trying to kill Suzumiya to stop her deconstruction of the world.

You're kind of risking destroying the world or leaving it without
someone to control it, which would be the embodiment of chaos (y'know,
those things that Final Fantasy Warriors keep on trying to defeat...)

>     Nagato blinked.  "Physically.  Emotionally, she is in distress,
> even with dampened chemical responses to the mental cues for
> depression and anxiety.  Her consciousness is being subverted into a
> dream-state where soothing images can be constructed by her mind, but
> she is aware that it is a dream and does not fully embrace those
> images."

Miyu (Vampire Princess Miyu): (holding Haruhi's severed head) Enjoy
your eternal sleep. You can stay in this world of dreams for as long
as you want. Even forever.

>     "Better than I could do," Itsuki finally admitted.  Dragging her

Revise, suggest: Better than I --> Better that what I (it seems like
there's a missing word in the middle of Itsuki's statement)

>     After calling Arakawa and updating the man briefly on the
> situation, he checked the clock and decided that close enough to three

This is a minor point, but I do appreciate the regular updates and
whatnot the characters give to each other. After all, it helps stop
the occurrence of continuity errors and people suddenly gaining
information that they shouldn't have known in the first place. So
again... kudos.

>     Itsuki rubbed his eyes with the back of his shirt sleeve, unable
> to keep tears from welling up.  He'd spent almost every moment he was

I'd rather Itsuki keep a neutral face with sad eyes, but that's just
me. My character interpretation of Itsuki is that he keeps most
everything bottled inside, with flashes of dead seriousness whenever
shit hits the fan. Yeah, I know, that's typical bishonen to a 't', but
your Itsuki reminds me more of hot-blooded, emotional Duo Maxwell than
the eternally smiling Soujiro or Kenshin I picture him to be.

>     Her eyes lingered on him for a moment before turning to the empty
> glass in her hands.  Nagato took it from her and returned to a
> kneeling position, patiently waiting, her eyes on Haruhi.  "Lousy,"
> she finally said, rubbing her eyes and turning her face away.  "Gonna
> go back to sleep now."

Heh. Your three minutes are up, Koizumi.

>     She curled back up, mumbling a belated, "Thanks for checking,"
> before she stilled and her breathing slowed.

LOL.

>     Itsuki turned around and took a few steps down the hallway,
> raising one arm and pressing the back of his wrist into his eyes.  He
> doubted Nagato cared, and Haruhi should be asleep, but he had been
> struggling to ignore the hurt too long, and it suddenly burst out of
> his control.

He was in control during all those times he had outbursts? What, he
can only keep up his Stepford Smile when Kyon's not around? I... never
mind. Maybe he needs his coffee? Perhaps a dose of caffeine will keep
him from getting outbursts he usually doesn't get, IMO.

> Even when he heard the door shut behind him, he couldn't
> stop.  He hated the idea of the TFEI's cold eyes studying him without
> emotion, but the choked sobs escaped anyway.

-_- Choked the sobs... Wow.

Itsuki: (acting even more effeminate... than usual)

Maybe it's just me (and correct me if there's canon precedent for your
interpretation of Itsuki), but maybe it'd be more in-line for Itsuki
to not realize he's shedding tears while still smiling? Or perhaps I'm
stereotyping bishonen a bit too much? I dunno. IMO, you should make
Itsuki more Soujiro-like (but not too much), less Zoicite-like (a
slight exaggeration, but I think it perfectly illustrates my
contention)... if that makes sense.

>     Nagato took a long moment to reply, finally saying, "I have

You have a penchant for overusing "finally" once you've used it in a
chapter, as if you couldn't get rid of the word "finally" in your
mind. Suggest discarding it or substituting it for synonyms like "at
last" and "ultimately" wherever appropriate (sorry, pet peeve).

> learned that we do not choose what we feel.  We simply feel.  To do
> less is to refuse to participate in the reality we exist in."

Words to live by.

>     Itsuki blinked away the last moisture in his eyes and turned to
> stare at the girl.  Her own head was slightly bowed.  "You have
> feelings?" he blurted out, before he realized what an asinine question
> it was.

Revise: out, before

I know it's crude, and I apologize, but... Itsuki? Get a tampon, you
blubbering pussy.

>     Nagato's gaze seemed unperturbed.  "It is not necessary to
> display emotions to feel them," she said.  "I do not wish to discuss

The Itsuki I know (or perhaps I misinterpreted him?) would already know this.

In fairness, if this is how you interpret him, it's not out of
character for him to do so... I guess. It can certainly be handwaved
via "This is what Itsuki is during true crises, where he doesn't need
to keep up with pretensions. His emotionality is a sign that he's
human."

...Or something to that effect (I can only guess). Still, his
so-called emotionality is taxing my suspension of disbelief because,
IMO, the way he hides his emotions is a defining characteristic of
his. Or maybe I'm reading too much into this? What do you think?

> my emotional state."  Some expression flickered, incredibly briefly
> around her eyes, before she added, "This is not intended to be rude."

Suggest: Some expression flickered incredibly briefly around her eyes
(unless used for style, although on my end, I don't see how it's
style)

>     He shook his head, heaving a shuddering sigh.  "I appreciate
> that," he replied.  "May I use your washroom?"

Itsuki: I need to catch up on my crying. It's been ages since I did that.

> actually preferred Nagato's cold honesty and concealed emotions to
> Emiri's false seeming displays.  He shook his head again.  It wasn't
> that different from his own dissembling mask....

Good point on Emiri and Itsuki's false displays.

>     "Get a grip, Itsuki," he grumbled, staring at his reflection in
> the mirror.  Other than some redness around his eyes, he looked much
> the same as always ... if a little more wan, and less amused than he'd
> prefer.  "Find Asahina-san, go back in time, save the day.  Then it

Suggest: wan, and --> wan and (comma muyo)

>     She was aware of Koizumi Itsuki returning to the room and
> watching her, but ignored him for the moment; the next step of the
> mission as relayed by Kimidori Emiri would require her physical
> presence anyway.  First she changed the ductile values of the

Suggest: First she --> First, she

> material, causing the crystalline structure to become elastic.  A
> further attribute change modified the physical shape to be
> omni-dimensional, though constrained to a sphere in the physically
> observable dimensions.  After that, she assigned the entire shape a
> very high tensile strength, cleared all data regarding its contents,
> and replaced its function with a sandboxed containment utility.
> Further modification made the inner surface data-impermeable, and the
> outer surface data-transparent.

Cup: (transforms into Kimidori-san the Talking Balloon Animal)

Achakura: (horrified to see Kimidori-san's unholy birth) OAO

>     Done, she placed her fingertips on the sphere, and moved the

Suggest: Once done, (even though I'm aware you're going for style here)

Also: sphere, and --> sphere and

>     "Ugh," Koizumi grunted, rubbing at his eyes.  "What the hell is that?"
>
>     Nagato Yuki turned her attention to Koizumi, blinking.  "This is
> a visual representation of the wavefront of Asakura Ryouko," she
> explained.  "It may be too complex for your mind to comprehend in this
> space."
>
>     "There's not much of a 'may' about that, Nagato-san.  Can you
> cover it with a napkin, or something?"

Cup-chan: (pouts)

>     Wordlessly, she did as he suggested.  He opened his eyes slowly,
> shivering.  "That is very disturbing.  I'm not sure what bothers me
> more ... that you're keeping Kyon's killer in a jar, or that I can
> _feel_ it trying to slide through the walls of this reality."

Cup-chan: (peering through the tissue until she finds Nagato's
umbrella rack, then smiles evilly) Soon, my precious. Soon.

>     Koizumi's expression shifted momentarily to bewilderment;
> irritation; contemplation; subtle pride: "The force of ... several
> atomic bombs?"

Just to be clear, here's my interpretation of Koizumi's emotions AFAIK
from what I watched in the series:

Koizumi's bewilderment: ^_^;

Koizumi's irritation: ^.^

Koizumi's contemplation: -_-

Koizumi's subtle pride: ^_^

>     His expression shifted again; shock; disbelief; fear.

Koizumi: ^_^;

>     "She is inactive.  She can exert no motive force or data
> manipulation currently."
>
>     "Why not just finish her off?  She killed Kyon, after all!"

Koizumi: ^.^

>     "Wow," he answered after a moment, his expression and bearing
> showing mild awe and trepidation.  "Okay.  Maybe just give her a good
> shake?"
>
>     She spent a half-dozen cycles processing that before replying,

Heh.

>     He displayed what her libraries noted was remarkable control over
> himself.  Only the widening of his pupils and slight acceleration of
> his heart rate betrayed his alarm.  "Impressive," he finally said.

That's more like the Itsuki I'm familiar with.

>     Nagato blinked, one hand rising to her face to confirm what her
> other senses and sensors reported.  Kimidori looked over her shoulder
> as well.  Each ran an internal diagnostic, and then a diagnostic on
> the other, but no cause could be found for overlooking the detail.
> She removed the glasses from her face and handed them to Kimidori.
>
>     Kimidori donned them, each sending confusion across the private
> connection before Nagato broke it with some reluctance.  She turned to
> face Koizumi.  "Are other details missing?" she asked.

Nice exchange there. It surely hints at Nagato's, er, subtle flaws and humanity.

>     Koizumi Itsuki dithered for a moment, body language indicating
> hesitation, then finally decided to take an umbrella from the stand
> before going out.  The constant downpour was cut by a pair of
> headlights from a waiting taxi-cab, and behind that, a patrol car.
> "Here goes my first act of terrorism," he said aloud, resignation
> clear in his voice.  "Well, my first real one.  Shouldn't you be
> putting up some sort of token struggle?"

Heh. Token struggled from Nagato would mean a broken wrist on your part.

Nagato: Negative. Asahina Mikuru is weaker than Koizumi Itsuki, yet I
was able to subdue her after gaining powers care of Suzumiya Haruhi
without causing her any major bodily harm. I have much more control
over my abilities, but not enough to make a believable struggle
against an assailant.

>     Physically struggling would delay the plan, as she would be
> easily able to physically overpower Koizumi Itsuki, even if she
> restrained herself to the observation target's strength levels.  Vocal
> resistance was judged as most likely to aid the plan.  "Help," she
> said tonelessly.  "I am being abducted."

(Akuma's Ultra II) ROFLcopter. ^_^

>     He gave her a look her local library couldn't index properly,

Itsuki: O,o >_>

>     She did so, until he gently nudged her into the back seat.

Suggest: so, until --> so until

Also: back seat --> backseat

>     "Probably not," the boy said, more of that resignation in his
> voice.  "But I made them promise to go easy on you if you don't get
> away."

Um, "more of that resignation"? Why? Was his resignation noted earlier
on to warrant this aside? I may have snipped it in my haste to
proofread, if it's anywhere in this chapter.

>     A block from the apartment building, flashing warning lights from
> an emergency service vehicle came on behind them.  The driver sighed,
> and the vehicle increased in acceleration.

Taxi: (spins in such a way that befuddles the fuzz, Arakawa manages to
get a clean getaway regardless of the numerous dings on the vehicle)

>     "How are we supposed to get into the compound, anyway?" Arakawa
> asked, glancing in his rear-view mirror at the flashing lights.

Revise: rear-view --> rearview (hyphen not needed, dictionary-verifiable word)

>     "Uh...."  Itsuki frowned.  "Nagato-san, buckle your seat belt,"
> he told her, fighting the urge to call her 'Suzumiya-san' instead.

Revise: seat belt --> seatbelt (another dictionary-verifiable word)

>     She stopped waving to the police car and complied, turning to
> look at him expectantly.

LOL. She's been waving all this time? ^_^

>     After a desperate scramble, all three of them made it back
> through the remains of the gate, running on foot down the street and
> away from the massive giant.  "Okay," Itsuki gasped, once they were
> far enough away to catch their breath.  "Sorry."

All right, the action sequence has finally begun. ^_^

>     "We should have about three minutes," he said, glancing up, at
> the rainy sky.  There was no predawn glow yet, and as thick as the

Shatner-esque pause: glancing up, at the rainy sky --> glancing up at
the raining sky

As a rule of thumb, don't put commas between prepositions and their objects.

> radio calls reporting the supposed abduction of Suzumiya Haruhi.  Or
> maybe it was a legitimate abduction, and they were being played for
> fools?  He couldn't think of a way to tell, anymore.  "What's the

Revise: tell, anymore --> tell anymore (you don't need the comma
there, I believe)

>     Oishi grimaced, shaking his head.  "I know what you mean," he
> grumbled.  Shortly, they were surrounded by uniformed officers, who
> set up a perimeter around the Tsuruya estate.  Both the detective and

Suggest: officers, who --> officers who

>     "Roger that," Akasaka agreed, tugging at the collar of his shirt.
>  "We should have brought umbrellas."

Achakura: (nods sagely)

>     If anything, the sharp eyes and sour grimace of the mayor
> hardened.  "That is merely a sign of further incompetent handling of
> the case," he snapped.  "I want answers, and I expect them now -- the
> Tsuruya family is well respected, and the community is going to want

Revise: well respected --> well-respected (hyphen needed, compound
descriptor, Grammar Rule #73)

>     "Alright," Oishi allowed, running one hand across the hair
> plastered to his head.  "After we took Asakura Ryouko -- Student A to
> the press, now -- in for questioning, she assaulted and killed my aide
> in interviewing.

Suggest: in interviewing --> during the interview / during the interrogation

> At the time I was taking a statement from Suzumiya

At the time I --> At the time, I (comma required, Grammar Rule #21)

5. After certain introductory elements,
(b) After an introductory participial phrase.

> Haruhi concerning her involvement in an incident at Kitago yesterday."
>  Had it been so recently?  It felt so much longer ago....  "After
> escaping, she returned to her home, incidentally in the same apartment

Suggest: she --> Asakura / Student A (just to be clear, because Oishi
is talking about a lot of girls here)

>     "Well, after taking her statement, it was no longer necessary to
> keep Suzumiya Haruhi in protective custody, so we returned her to her
> friend."
>
>     "Nothing says compassion like returning a minor to the scene of a
> classmate's death," the mayor sniped.

Heh. Well, AFAIK the mayor is concerned, he has a point.

> they could have contributed to his campaign fund, or maybe even
> rallied public support for him.  But why would he be interested in
> Suzumiya Haruhi, unless....

...He's the head of the Organization? I think that makes a lot sense
in the context of this story, though there's no proof in that regard
as of yet.

>     "'Organization', huh?" Oishi mused quietly, as the mayor's car

Revise: quietly, as --> quietly as

> backed away from the three-ring circus of special forces and regular
> police surrounding the Tsuruya estate.
>        ---------------------------------
>     Author's notes: Next chapter is the last chapter.

Hooray!

> --
> Brian Randall
> --
> I write fanfiction. Too much of it. You can read it here, thanks to a
> kind grant from the Larry F foundation:
> http://www.florestica.com/brandall/
> --
> Together. Allegiance or death. BIGFIRE!
> --
> Haiku of my lament:
>
> Forgive my spelling,
> my U.S. education,
> is the source of blame.

Summary of Broke Grammar Rules:

Grammar Rule #0: Watch out for speling erors and typoes.

Grammar Rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary.
Parenthetical words, however, should be enclosed in commas.

Grammar Rule #57: Hyphenate words that should be hyphenated (usually
compound-descriptors) and unhyphenate words that shouldn't be
hyphenated, even though it'd seem that either form is correct (Don't
leave those words hanging in mid-air!).

Grammar Rule #73: Compound-descriptors should be hyphenated, and non
compound descriptors should be separated.

Grammar Rule #74: Proofread carefully to avoid unintentional
puns/homonym-type spilling mistakes because their usually hard to
fined using a spellchecker. Disc musk nut bee aloud two ha pen.

This is a vast improvement on the seven grammar rules you broke in
Chapter 4 (although still more errors than the prologue and Chapter
1-3). What's more, a lot of these are isolated incidents that can be
waved off as stylistic preferences, so we're off with a good start
with your improved grammar. I was actually doing more snipping than
correcting, which is always a good indication of a well-proofed fic.

As for the story itself: The first few parts of this chapter were kind
of boring and bland, but that's to be expected, seeing that the
denouement just happened on one major plot point. It can't be helped;
you can't have climax after climax, because that will only confuse and
desensitize readers. With that said, the rest of the chapter had me
shaking my head at Itsuki, which I guess roots from the fact that I
have a different interpretation of him than you do. You mentioned
that, and I quote:

"I even delayed the next chapter to incorporate any changes I might
make based on your advice....  I will proofread one last time and post
as soon as I get back home; on that note, I'm late. >_>;;"

...Which gives me the impression that you probably believe that Itsuki
as portrayed here is proper characterization even after your second
read through and proofreading regardless of my earlier complaints; as
such, I'll merely ask why you think that or whether or not this is a
point where we have to "agree to disagree". For my money, I honestly
believe you're portraying Itsuki far more emotionally than I'm used to
seeing.

But in fairness, you've IMO captured the true essences of Nagato and
Haruhi quite well. AFAIK, they're reacting well in accordance to the
personalities established by canon (or at least the anime version of
canon). I can't say much about the other characters because my
knowledge about them is rather limited, to say the least. In any
event, I liked Nagato's little "Help me. I'm being abducted," skit
with Koizumi and her continuous wave. Aside from that, I see this
chapter as nothing more than a transitional chapter for the ending and
the epilogue (if there's an epilogue); mildly amusing, a bit bland,
but it moves the plot forward and it's necessary as far as natural
progression is concerned. Can't wait for the rest, so...

Keep on writing,
Abdiel

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
"When you see yourself doing something badly and nobody's bothering to
tell you anymore, that's a very bad place to be. Your critics are the
ones telling you they still love you and care."


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