[FFML] [Haruhi] [Dark] Error in Calculation: Chapter Six and Epilogue

Brian Randall durandall at gmail.com
Thu Apr 15 15:54:08 PDT 2010


2010/4/10 Chester Castañeda <chester.castaneda at gmail.com>:
> Hello. I'm Abdiel, and here's my lengthy EULA of sorts made by
> Benjamin A. Oliver:
>
> Well now, it's nice to see another finished fic in the FFML. It's been
> on a roll in regards to finished long fics in the past few years, and
> now we have another one. I'm also glade it's a mini-series, because
> it's easier to track down what's going on and what's has already
> happened than the usual epics that appear in the mailing lists. But
> I'm just blabbering... On to the fic!

You, sir, have a knack for replying to things while I'm away from my
main computer.  Ie., I can read my e-mail on one system, but that
system doesn't have my stories on it.  Is it a gift, or a skill?

Well, here is my own belated reply in any case.

>>     Note: The soundtrack for the final scene is Fixed Mind (as sung
>> by Shiratori Yuri; this is Kimidori Emiri's image song).
>
> Interesting side note. (YouTubes that particular song)
>
> Nice, haunting, and slightly computerized; let's hear it for Yuri Shiratori! ^_^

The lyrics make me feel really sorry for Emiri.  Actually, even more
sorry for her than Nagato; Nagato at least understands what's
happening to her, while Emiri is straight out in denial. :/

>>        ---------------------------------
>>     Akasaka was allowed into the control vehicle, which was a very
>
> Who allowed Akasaka into the control vehicle? I suggest switching to
> active voice unless it's particularly inconvenient for your scene.
>
> Grammar Rule #20: The passive voice is to be ignored.

Got it.

>>     "We have heat signatures from the compound."  Akasaka leaned in
>> to study the screen, it appeared to be a feed from the helicopter
>
> Suggest: screen, it --> screen; it (instead of a prepositional phrase
> directly connected to the first part of the sentence, it seemed that
> you switched to an altogether separate sentence altogether; ergo, the
> semicolon)

I may have used 'which' instead of 'it' in a previous draft...?

>> overhead, examining a central garden in the estate, some mound covered
>> with a tarp in the sand garden.  The somewhat shaky image zoomed in on
>> something sticking out from the edge of the tarp, resolution picking
>> up until a hand could be recognized.
>
> ...What did I just say about zooming footage in? ^_^;

I honestly have no clue!  Did I miss something from a reply a month or
three ago?  Maybe an e-mail to someone else?

Sorry, this seems to be coming with no context.

> Nitpick: Making a side note that they used a lens zoom to make the
> zoom-in and focus more believable. If it were Nagato and the TFEI's
> doing the magical zooming, it wouldn't strain my incredulity as much
> (because in fiction, alien tech = magic), but if it were Akasaka and
> company? Yeah, use a zoom lens like the rest of us normal people. It's
> a minor point, so if you'd rather not indulge me, sure. Just wanted to
> mention this nonetheless.

I utterly fail to understand the meaning of what you are trying to
convey, here.  I'm sorry, I really don't follow.

I gather that you don't like the view zooming in.  If that's not what
you're trying to say (entirely possible, as I still fail to
understand), what part of the camera mounted to the overhead
helicopter zooming in is not working for you?  You suggest using one,
when I meant to imply that one did exist.

At this point, I'm really just looking for a way to cut this entire
reference, since it seems to be generating significantly more trouble
than it's worth.  I don't see tacking on 4-5 more sentences helping,
unless I wanted it to read more like Tom Clancy (a guess; I don't
actually read his stuff >.>).

>>     The tactical officer saluted sharply, then turned back to his
>> terminal, activating his radio briefly to bark out a few code worded
>> commands.
>
> Suggest: code worded --> code-worded (compound descriptors must be
> hyphenated; it's a compound descriptor that describes "commands", I
> believe)
>
> Grammar Rule #73: Compound-descriptors should be hyphenated, and non
> compound descriptors should be separated.

Yikes, I have really been dropping the ball on these. >_<

> Akasaka: Sure, it makes sense to let them take care of things, but I'm
> not window dressing. I want to participate in this investigation as
> well. I'm duty-bound to do so.

Akasaka: The author wrote me in for a foil character!  I should be foiling!
Oishi: Did you forget this was a Haruhi fic?
Akasaka: ....

>>     Taking one final drag, the detective suggested, "Try calling
>> Nagato-san's apartment.  Emiri should be there, right?"
>
> Hmmm. Since when was the detective on a first-name basis with Kimidori Emiri?
>
> Suggest: Emiri --> Kimidori-san (after all, he just called Yuki
> "Nagato-san" in the same sentence)

Typo.  I (very frequently) type her name as Emidori for some reason.
NO idea why. >_<

>>     Her eyes, Haruhi's eyes at the moment, but Nagato's gaze out of
>> them, turned back to Itsuki.
>
> Suggest: Her eyes, Haruhi's eyes at the moment, but Nagato's gaze out
> of them, turned back to Itsuki. --> Her eyes -- Haruhi's eyes at the
> moment, but Nagato's gaze out of them -- turned back to Itsuki.

Hmm, scans well, I'll go with it.

>>     "What in the hells..." the blonde murmured, looking at Nagato
>> questioningly.  "What are you?"
>
> Hmm. Did you mean "hells" as in "hell is (hell's)" or "hells" as in
> seven hells (the usual Buddhist saying)?

Whichever works best for you.  (But, olde English, really.)

>>     "Irrelevant," Nagato answered, blinking flatly.  "Time is
>> critical."  She slowly paced into the Tsuruya estate, walking through
>> a two dimensional image of a man holding something in his hands.
>
> Suggest: two dimensional --> two-dimensional (compound descriptor thing)

Got it.  If I don't reply to a grammar comment it's because I used it.

> ...Main screen turn on?
>
> Akasaka: That meme is so old, it was a waiter at the Last Supper.

...ZING.

>> towards the nearest man with his knife at the ready.  Her library
>> referenced his posture and stance as a martial arts maneuver, and
>
> Knife-style Gatotsu? Black-Mage-style Stabbity Stab? Ripper Fu?

While Nagato would probably be able to catalog the style, I think it
might be better to reword.

So, cut down to 'practiced maneuvers', to indicate she recognizes his
skill without really caring.

Nagato: I am well-versed in Tae-Kwon-Leap.
Kyon: *kneeling on the floor behind her while hiding from Asakura* ...what?
Nagato: *kicks him in the head*  Don't move.

>> without bringing the blade to bear, he violently shoved the first man
>> across the room to slam into the wall.
>
> Huh. It's Using-His-Weapon-as-a-Distraction-Fu, apparently. It uses
> the latest nonfatal techniques such as throwing guns at people,
> pelting them with bullets, making spitballs, and then breaking their
> bones while they're distracted.

Haruhi: I don't like it when people die!
Kyon-ghost: Um....  So, there's this whole premise of this fic, and...
Haruhi: STOP BEING DEAD!  Also, I blame the author.

>> sensors for approaching hostiles before turning to Tsuruya.  The girl
>> was staring at her in surprise, wriggling where she'd been left on the
>> floor, and her wrists and ankles were bound.
>
> Awkward phrasing, suggest: and her wrists and ankles were bound -->
> her wrists and ankles bound

Excellent; always good to cut down extra words that are not needed
because they have unnecessarily been added beyond the requirements.

>>     "No time!" he repeated, pushing the other girl through her own
>> traversal.  Arakawa was sent through next, and Nagato Yuki invoked a
>> personal shield around herself and Koizumi to ensure he would not be
>> harmed during the final traversal.  After they had returned to the
>> other side of the dimensional fault, she sent the termination code for
>> the function.
>
> Suggest: final traversal --> final escape (pet peeve; you've used
> traversal twice now, so I suggest using some other word to avoid
> redundancy)

It's a fun word. :3  Traveeeeeeeersal.  Traversal.

Okay, yeah, I'm over it. >.>

'Crossing' it is!  Except, I'm changing the first instance in that
paragraph, since there's another instance of traversal a few lines up.

> With that said, now _this_ is a Big Damn Heroes moment.

Woot~!  Glad I pulled at least one off.

> ...I just noticed that Mikuru doesn't have that much of a presence in
> this fic. Huh. She's like Kodachi in most of the Ranma fics I've read
> (Relentless, Dynasty, your very own Descent, and Hearts of Ice).

This is absolutely a more Nagato-centric fic, I won't deny that by any
stretch.  So, Mikuru, would you be happier with a role like Akasaka or
Oishi?

Mikuru: Piiiii~!  OAO

Sleeping through the action sequences it is!  But, seriously, you're
right.  Here, Mikuru is more of a plot item than a character, until
this final chapter.

> Suggest: 'Organization', and --> 'Organization' and
>
> ...Otherwise known as the Agency via dub and other sources, apparently.

I went with Baka-Tsukai's translation; that way, we get to call
Kyoko's faction the Family.

> (thinks) Didn't Gainax already make one of those? I think they did;
> via Daicon Film, I believe, and then the Bunny Girl thing appeared
> again in Otaku no Video in the form of Misty May. Huh. Fascinating.
> I'm surprised Gainax hasn't gotten its hands on Haruhi. Heh. If fandom
> thinks that the people at KyoAni are trolls...

What, you don't remember Haruka from FLCL?  For at least most of one
episode she kind of qualifies.  A little.

...sort of. ._.

Anyway, Gainax regained a bit of respect (from me, at least) with
Gurren Laggan.  Roh!  Roh!  Fight da Powah!

Haruhi: I like that Kamina fellow's approach to things!  What an
awesome main character!
Kyon: ...uh-oh.

>>     Nagato blinked several times, then said, "I have been called
>> 'magical computer girl Nagato Yuki' by Suzumiya Haruhi."
>
> Haruhi: Shouldn't that be "Magical Computer Girl Nagato Yuki"?

Well, Haruhi didn't capitalize it when she said it originally, so I'm
going to go with consistency over correctificatiosity in this instance
(meaning, the fic, not everything I ever write).

>>     "Noooooo," Tsuruya said slowly, shaking her head, a strange gleam
>> in her eyes.  "She's not going out of my sight!  I'm sticking with
>> her, and if you try anything funny, you're going to get a
>> Tsuruya-kick, nyoro!"
>
> Er, Tsuruya actually says that for reals?
>
> Tsuruya: Nyo~ron.

'Nyoro~!' = Tsuruya.
'Nyoro~n!' = Churuya.

Admittedly, in Season 1, she only says it a single time.  The
fanfiction community seems to like to go way overboard with it, de
gama.

>>     "Nevermind that," Koizumi said, turning to Emiri.  "Neural interfaces?"
>
> Revise: Nevermind --> Never mind (nevermind isn't actually a word, at
> least formally speaking)

Interesting.  I find a lot of dictionaries (by which I mean,
spell-checker dictionaries, not actual printed tomes) seem to have it
included.  We can probably expect it to be added as a real word in
coming years....  Thank you, encroachment of slang into proper
language!

In the meantime, revised. ;)

>>     "Just you try it!" Tsuruya challenged, bristling.  She didn't
>> know how this was going to work out, and the last time she'd tried to
>> fight for Mikuru it hadn't ended well, but that was no reason to give
>> up!
>
> Suggest: out, and the last time she'd tried to fight for Mikuru it
> hadn't ended well, but --> out -- and the last time she'd tried to
> fight for Mikuru, it hadn't ended well -- but

I believe I want to drop the nested  'and' when I do that, but good call.

>>     "Why don't you use fingernails for that?" Koizumi mused aloud,
>> rubbing at his right wrist absently.  "Wouldn't that be more
>> convenient?"
>
> Nagato: Negative. That's too Jojo's Bizarre Adventure.
>
> Koizumi: What.

Haruhi: ZA WORUDO~!
Kyon: WRYYYYYYYYYYYY~!  *is crushed by a steamroller*
Koizumi: ...to reiterate:  What.

>>     "The organic mechanisms for teeth with the ability to inject
>> fluid substances already occur naturally in this world more commonly,"
>
> (wince) Yeah. Too many '-ly' adverbs, so it sounds redundant and wrong.
>
> Suggest: already occur naturally in this world more commonly --. occur
> in this world more commonly / naturally and more commonly occur in
> this world / et cetera

Actually, I think I can drop 'more commonly'.  In nature (on our
planet), there are actually no animals with the ability to inject
venom with their claws.  All I've been able to turn up are some
creatures that produce venom in their mouths (or in the case of the
platypus (and only in males, even then) venom sacs near their joints)
and manually apply it to claws.  Insects may be an exception to this
(centipedes), but among mammals....

> Um. Yeah. I guess the real Mikuru without implants (heh) is the Mikuru
> found in those Churuya shorts, huh? Then again, knowing the genuine
> biker personality of Mikuru's voice actress...

Actually, I haven't seen those. >.>

I would expect her genuine personality isn't TOO far off from how she
behaves when we see her normally.  But that would prevent any
accidental disclosure.

> Mikuru: Yeah, well, the moe-blob doesn't actually exist in nature. Fancy that.
>
> Huh. I agree. And apparently, moe-blobs require partial lobotomy to
> work. (thinks) It makes too much sense to not be true!

It certainly does tie in with Koizumi's, "She's Kyon-bait!  Think
about it!" argument.

>>     "So, she wouldn't have happened to have substantial conditioning
>> in her neural ... stuff, would she?" Koizumi asked, giving Tsuruya an
>> annoyingly smug smirk before he sipped his tea again.
>
> Why is Koizumi smirking at Tsuruya? I think I may have missed
> something or snipped a dialogue there... O_o

He's just happier to finally know more than someone else.  Needlessly
petty; it's been dropped.

> Heh... Mostly okay.
>
> Mikuru: Hey, what's up, motherfucker? ^.^
>
> Tsuruya: Nyo~ron. ):3

Heh.

>>     "The door is soundproofed," she answered him.  "She will not hear
>> us.  We will be notified if she awakens."
>
> ...Unless she wills the soundproofing to be gone in a fit of
> godliness, but I digress.

Nagato: In that instance, I believe the proper terminology is, 'We're hosed'.
Mikuru-hacked: Fo shizzle!

>>     "B...but, no, that can't be right," Mikuru said, shaking her head
>> more quickly.  "I mean, I don't want him to die either!  But that
>> would create a paradox!  You'd most likely just shatter this
>> time-plane!"
>
> Sailor Pluto: STOP FUCKING WITH TIME, DAMMIT!
>
> Kyon: Aw, that's cute. You think you still matter. Get a planet.
>
> Sailor Pluto: I see what you did there.

Gonna go out on a limb and say Nagato could totally kick Pluto's ass. >.>

Nagato: Unnecessary.  *chibifies Setsuna*
Akachura: You, too, eh?
Setsuna: ;_;

>>     "Ouchie!" Tsuruya exclaimed, only realizing after the fact that
>> it didn't hurt.  Her entire body started to tingle, and she felt the
>> room around her grow dim as a silver nimbus began radiating from her
>> skin.  "Oooh!  I'm a magical girl now, too, Mikuru!  We'll get to
>> fight for love and justice together, nyoro!" she cheered.
>
> Your version of Tsuruya seems to be an amalgamation of canon Tsuruya
> and Churuya, IMO.

Hard to say.  Tsuruya is capable of pretending not to be aware of
things when she feels like it ... such as when she sees two
time-divergent instances of Mikuru, and just nods when Kyon says it's
Mikuru's long-lost twin sister.

>>     "The particles that Tsuruya-san trailed will allow us to track
>> their trajectory through time, as well as making the mechanism that is
>> used for time travel possible."
>
> These aliens are so technologically advanced and overpowered they
> could serve as the gods of this universe if Haruhi the Theoretical
> Goddess weren't around.

Presumably (as I had Nagato state in the dream sequence with Haruhi),
the interfaces are limited by the inability to imagine anything
outside of their knowledge.  Which is why even though they can take
Haruhi's power (as Nagato does in Disappearance), they don't; they
couldn't use it to create things they had never thought of, while
evidently Haruhi CAN.

>>     "My faction is best represented with the word 'Compromise'.
>> Nagato-san's would be 'Thinking', and Asakura Ryouko's would be
>> 'Innovative'."
>
> "Innovative" indeed.

Those three factions are from the novels, as well.  Nagato mentions
there are more, but she cannot put their ideologies into words.

> If this plot point were to continue, then Nagato's faction could very
> well be gods because they've attained time traveling powers superior
> to those found in even Asahina's faction. Damn.

Actually, that's canon.

>>     "Right, and then we can label espers 'faction B'," Akasaka said
>> thoughtfully.  "Kimidori-san took the charge from a stun-gun without
>> batting an eyelash.  So, we can guess that Asahina Mikuru wouldn't
>> belong to faction A, or else she would have been much harder to stop."
>
> Revise: stun-gun --> stun gun
>
> http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stun_gun

Okay.  I will remember that for future reference.

However, I used 'stun-gun' throughout the fic in earlier chapters and
you didn't comment then, so again, consistency will trump accuracy
here (apologies).  I'm a bit lazy to do another full-revision of
earlier chapters, especially since some people I don't know very well
are already feverishly translating the fic as it stands into Russian.
(I have no idea why....)  Anyway, I'd feel guilty about giving them
yet more drafts of earlier chapters, even though this particular issue
is unlikely to translate anyway.

>>     Oishi looked up thoughtfully, then gazed towards the cloudy skies
>> beyond the awning.  "Probably," he allowed.  "I think Nagato-san said
>> that it was impossible without her.  In any case, if we haven't been
>> deceived or just snapped due to pressure, I have to say ... Student K
>> may be the most important person on the planet, living or dead."
>
> Truer words have not been spoken in terms of the Haruhi Universe.

Excellent; glad that point worked for you.

>>     The two were silent for a long time, as the pounding rain
>> suddenly lessened to a drizzle, then tapered into a sprinkling mist.
>
> Suggest: removing the commas above, you don't need them.

I really like the second one, though. >.>

>>     To generate power for the leap, Nagato disengaged herself from
>> her organic body at the same time as Kimidori, folding the other
>> interface's waveform into her internal storage, then triggering a
>> function to consume all of the security and safeguards they had set up
>> in the apartment.
>
> Nagato: (is now in "Giant Naked Rei with Wings" form)

Kyon: Being stabbed suddenly was very worth it.
Asakura: I could gladly oblige again!
Kyon: ...I'll think about it.

>>     Above and around her, Moderates and Innovators had banded
>> together with Volatiles; her own Thinkers and Emiri's Compromisers had
>
> Wait, wait... there's a fourth faction called Volatiles? O_o So what
> would've they done to Kyon, hypnotize him and then have him torture
> and assault Haruhi doujinshi-style?

These extra factions are taken from Dan Simmons Hyperion Cantos.
Nagato never is able to explicitly state the goals of any of the
factions, but it is acknowledged that the inspiration for the IDTE
came from the Hyperion Cantos, so a quick rundown for you:

Volatiles: Kill the humans, they are no longer useful.
Stables: Don't fix what isn't broken.
Ultimates (the majority): Nothing else matters as long as we complete
our goal of assembling the Ultimate Intelligence; an AI powerful
enough to conceive of the entire universe and predict all causality
without error.

The humans are led to believe that these are the only factions, but
the Technocore (IDTE equivalent), has several others it just keeps
hidden; the only other one we ever find out about is the Reapers, who
have the duty of culling older AIs from the system to make sure it
never 'fills up'.

>> the data-medium.  Countless other factions had split off to form their
>> own temporary unities, only the Ultimates and Reapers standing alone.
>
> The Ultimates are weird. They promote incest between brother and sister twins.

Actually, from the Cantos: It's parasitic necrophilia, as well; they
reproduce with their dead exclusively.

> Nagato: What.

Not kidding!

> This metaphorical battle between data factions is very reminiscent of
> the ending battle between (spoiler) and (spoiler) in Twoflower's
> Slayers Demiurge. Kudos in that regards, the battle reads very well,
> and it's probably tough translating such concepts into the visual
> medium. The written medium, on the other hand, is perfect for this
> kind of battle.

Yarr; thanks.  I had a great deal of fun writing it. :D

> ...Tendrils of misinformation? So what, they're streaming Fox News on
> those tendrils? Also, I hate having a sea of bad sectors. It forced me
> to replace my hard disk.

Heh.

>> crystalline regularity that had once been one of the longest surviving
>> factions of the Integrated Data Entity.
>
> Hey, that rhymed.

Sweet; unintentional, but I like it.

>> involved with her faction, or Emiri's, but it had happened, and now it
>> meant meant the end of their efforts.  No small band of factions could
>
> Revise: delete repeated word ("meant")
>
> Grammar Rule #40: Proofread carefully to make sure you don't repeat
> repeat any words.

Shoot....  I used to have a spellchecker that caught duplicate words. >.>;;

>>     But as she watched, the Ultimates merely surrounded the united
>> factions and their data structures, not moving to observe, aid, or
>> interfere.  For the first time in Nagato Yuki's existence, their
>> faction spoke, first with an echo of the foreign data that tore away
>> its outermost data layers, then, eschewing direct memetic
>> transmission, with four, succinct words, shocking in their confinement
>> to mere language:
>>
>>     MACROSPACIAL
>>          QUANTUM
>>               COSMIC
>>                    EXISTENCE
>
> TECHNOBABBLE
>           AND
>             BUZZWORDS
>                     ARE
>                       FUN
>
> ....
>
> LEEROY
>    JENKINS!

The Macrospacial Quantum Cosmic Existence is from the novels, though
if you've only read forums and wikis, you're more likely to know them
as the 'sky canopy domain' (as they are called in book 9).

>>     Then a perfect copy of the waveform extracted from Asakura
>> Ryouko's;
>
> Asakura Ryouko's...?
>
> Grammar Rule #41: In writing, it's important to remember that dangling
> sentences.

Drat. :x

>>     Then it was done; the data-structures were aligned and she was
>> compressed into a stream of information on a secure carrier wave,
>> shunted back into physical reality and guided through a window less
>> than the width of an atom.  Behind her, she was aware of even the
>> Ultimates being destroyed by that alien existence.
>
> At this point, I have little to no idea what's going on. I think
> Nagato turned into data or something, then traveled along as stuff...
> happened. Oh well.

That's exactly it.  Well, she was already data, she just got packaged
into a .zip file.

>>     Queueing a request for a new physical body, she appended a
>
> Revise: Queueing --> Queuing (spelling error)
>
> Grammar Rule #0: Watch out for speling erors and typoes.

Hmm.  A homonym?  A bad spellcheck library?  Thanks for catching that.

>>     Itsuki rubbed his forehead and stumbled to his feet, walking to
>> Emiri's side and kneeling next to her to check her for a pulse.  Did
>
> Itsuki must have read the earlier paragraphs of the narrative. Or
> maybe it was just me? (Rubs forehead after reading the seemingly
> endless streams of deus ex machina technobabble)

...I even did research for that. ^_^;;

Oh well!

>>     Haruhi's tired eyes fixed on Emiri before turning to Itsuki with
>> frank disapproval.  "Koizumi, be a gentleman and cover your girlfriend
>> up while she's sleeping, huh?"
>
> Heh.
>
> Suggest: sleeping, huh? --> sleeping, okay?

Went with 'why don't you?'

>>     Nodding, Itsuki looked at Emiri's still, peaceful form, and took
>> one of her cool hands in his.  He wouldn't remember anything,
>> probably, if it worked, and absolutely not if it didn't.  "See you on
>> the other side," he said sadly.
>
> Itsuki: An alternate version of me in "Disappearance" was in love with
> you. I'm not sure if I myself am in love with you as well.
>
> Haruhi: ...Really?
>
> Itsuki: (getting Japanesey) I LAAAAAAARVE YUUU!
>
> This Episode of Narm was brought to you by Daisuke Ono.

I'm under the impression (totally conjecture on my part), that Itsuki
was intended to be the ideal love-interest for Haruhi (by the Agency),
and he just showed up too late, so they grudgingly try and work with
Kyon, when they would rather have had Itsuki take that role.

>>     "That hurts, damn it!"
>
> Achakura: ;_; Itai! Chikusho!

Kyon: Are you okay?!
Nagato: I am--
Kyon: BUSTER WOLF!
Nagato/Asakura: ....
Kyon: Look, I have ONE crummy line of dialogue in this entire fic so
far, other than what Asakura CLAIMS I said about Haruhi -- which, by
the way, I flatly deny.  Give me some slack!

> Animation Director: (harrumphs) The couple of times we actually redid
> animation for the same scenes, they complained. Who cares what those
> fans think; they're unpleasable! Reuse the scene!
>
> Fandom: (facepalms)

Epic lulz, sir.  Epic.  Nearly spat my coffee on the keyboard.

>> door to her apartment.  "After you left the consensus to perform your
>> new duties, the Ultimates had another message for you.  But, you know
>> how they feel; they didn't want to tell you personally while you were
>> still in a physical form."
>
> Suggest: in a physical --> in physical (I'm playing this by the ear,
> but this sounds better than with the article, IMO)

I agree.

>>     "Well, that's probably fine ... but there is a concern among the
>> consensus that your stability may be compromised by the events you
>> have endured."
>
> Wait till she gets to... ah, you know what I'm talking about.
> 888888888888888888...

FORESHADOWING.

>>     "I am fine.  Errors are unlikely to occur before an interval of
>> at least six hundred years."
>
> Uh-oh. 8| How many years did Endless Eight last?
>
> Nagato: (kills Haruhi after the four millionth iteration of that
> Groundhog Day plot)

Nagato: Victory.
Haruhi-dead: *resets to the beginning of the EE arc again anyway.*
Nagato: *suicides*
Haruhi: *resets to the beginning of the EE arc again anyway.*
Nagato: ....  *cries*

>> who had returned to being a voice in the consensus.  If Nagato were
>> more definitively determined to be a rogue element....  But then,
>
> It's rather weird that the person who actually tried to fix the mess
> Ryoko made is being considered as a rogue element when Ryoko herself
> has become one with another faction or something. That's rather...
> unfair, isn't it?

Probably, actually.  Ryouko could be 'fixed', though.  Nagato, OTOH....

But, it's also canon (that she's still around); Kyon asks Nagato at
one point and she clarifies that Ryouko is part of the IDTE.  She was
never actually killed, she just had her physical form and stabbing
privileges revoked.

Achakura: With this umbrella, however....

>>     Then there was that time when I realized how jealous I was when a
>> middle-school acquaintance tried to confess to her.  And that time she
>
> Suggest: And that time she --> And that time, she

Er, no....  Should be 'And the time that', actually.  It's yet another
instance he's looking back on, not a clarification (my bad).

>>     And this is about Nagato, not Haruhi.  Nagato, who I sometimes
>> thought of as an ally, sometimes thought of as a goddess I wanted to
>> seal up in a shrine and worship, and sometimes, but not nearly enough,
>> someone I thought I could protect.
>
> ...Seal up in a shrine and worship? Man, if this is cannon, then anime
> viewers are missing out in terms of the shipteases the novel
> apparently has.

Heh.  This is just the tip of the iceberg.  Tsuruya invites Kyon to
take a bath with her and Mikuru (and sleep with them, afterwards).

To be fair, in context, this comes from Kyon directly following him
almost getting his head asploded by the Mikuru-beam.

>>     So not long after Asahina-san's kidnapping, before the end of the
>> school year, I had decided that I was going to ask Nagato out.  Mind
>
> Revise: kidnapping, before --> kidnapping before (if you don't mind;
> if you do, never mind)

I like the nested parenthetical in this instance.

> Also: Wow. So John Smith has his Pocahontas already, huh?

I'm only vaguely familiar with the (non-disney) version of the story,
so I'm not sure I follow...?

> Kyon: Sorry, can't date. World would end if I did.

Ironically, there's a fic about just that happening called 'The End of
the World'.

> On that note, thank Megami-sama that Akane never turned out to have
> Haruhi-like superpowers. ^_^; Wrath of God plus ficAkane equals the
> End of Times every day. Every. Single. Day. The Akane of Zen's Bitter
> End could bring about angst comparable to School Days, Barefoot Gen,
> or Bokurano, even.

Me: *mumbles about the Haruhi/Bokura no/Higurashi fusion he wrote* >.>

>>     "What I'm trying to say," I stumble, awkwardly, feeling my face
>> heat up, "is that ... I don't want to be the one who relies on you for
>> everything and gives you almost nothing in return.  I don't know
>> _how_, but I'd like to ... do something for you.  I may not understand
>> everything ... okay, honestly, I may not understand much at _all_,
>
> Save for highly advanced things you need a degree for.

Kyon: No matter how smart I am, everyone else is smarter.  Trust me,
it is for the GOOD OF THE WORLD that I remain at this level.
Haruhi: *suddenly becomes Kimiko from Dresden Kodak*  Kyon, I've
forgotten my shoe locker combination -- we have to switch schools.
Kyon: ...shoe lockers don't even have LOCKS, let alone combination--
THIS IS WHAT I WARNED YOU ABOUT!

>> I didn't even call her or visit when she took a day
>> off to recuperate.
>
> Instead, you played cards with Mister "I LAAARVE YUUU" himself.

Kyon: Ship-tease.
Koizumi:  I like to think it wasn't teasing~!
Kyon: ... back to my date with Nagato.

> The jerk is making things worse. Great proposal, and then follow it up
> with a "Let's just be friends" speech. Tsk.
>
> Nagato: Circumstances dictate that this must be so.

Sadly. ^_^;;

> Now it sounds like a speech for forbidden lovers. I like the many
> levels of meaning that this speech is touching.

Legend; glad I got something else to work.

>>     She squeezes my hand back, her head sinking a fraction further as
>> she stares into her empty glass.
>
> Sora Hasegawa (Ah, My Goddess!): (deadpanning) -_- Moshi moshi? Moshi
> moshi? Can you please do your luv-luv antics somewhere else?

Me: *one Google later*  Ah.  *shoves a bottle of sake at Sora*

>>     Nagato's eyes are still watery, as though she was struggling to
>> contain something, but she gives a sharp nod.  "It is not a small
>> thing," she finally says.  "I should thank you."
>
> I must say you're overusing "finally" once more.

Hmm.  Twice in the entire epilogue?

Actually, I may have swept and removed some instances before you replied. >.>

> That should be on a t-shirt.
>
> "Asahina: Charmingly Bewildered."

Neatness.

> Kyon: Or a lyric in a song from The Corrs.

...will investigate later. >.>

>>     "Instant scene," I sigh, setting my coffee cup down.  "Just add Haruhi."
>
> Heh. Trademark snark that would do Daria proud. No wonder people
> wanted to gender-flip this guy so much.

Kyon: I don't mind being kuudere, but everyone seems to think that a
female me would be tsundere.  I don't see anyone being abusive to any
form of Haruhi leading to a positive outcome.

> You're snarky enough to be the guy that the main lead relies on up
> until your heroic sacrifice, actually. On the bright side, you have
> the chance to be kissed by one of the female leads, or be boinked by
> her if it's an 18+ seinen manga.
>
> EDIT: On second thought, anime Nicholas Wolfwood has some whoopee time
> with the girl with big... guns, right? And he even looks kind of like
> you, Kyon. So there you go; if you're second banana to the
> protagonist, you actually have the chance to score with hot women
> before you kick the bucket.
>
> Kyon: Huh. Sounds like the life cycle of a male mantis.

Actually, that's the most likely outcome if you hook up with Haruhi,
Kyon.  Unless that hill works genuine miracles for your stamina.

Kyon: ....

>> Maybe even a
>> whole squad of robots, which all link up into an even larger giant
>> robotic spineless wimp.
>
> (thinks) Nope, doesn't ring a bell. No one tops Shinji when it comes
> to spinelessness in my book, so if you're referring to another
> Shinji-like mecha pilot, then the reference merely went over my head.

Not a reference; just thought it was somewhat clever.  Didn't work?

> Aw, but if you do that, your cute little sister will drop kick you
> every time you come home.
>
> Kyon's sister: Kyon-kun, denwa!

Kyon: It's still less painful than dealing with Haruhi. >_<

>>     Her eyes light up.  "Ooooh!" she enthuses, her grin widening.
>> "That's a _great_ costume idea, Kyon!  It'll be even better than the
>> reindeer!"
>>
>>     ...why do I do this to myself?
>
> Awwwww, they _do_ have a semi-abusive relationship with each other
> that will leave them miserable for the rest of their lives if they
> ever get hitched! How cuuuuute! :P

I played it up here more than we see it in canon.  Also:

Haruhi: What do you mean 'leave "them" miserable'?  I'll be just fine!
Kyon: Someone, anyone, please end my suffering!  Get me out of this!
Nagato: *holding a copy of novel four* ....
Kyon: ...damn it.

>>     Hey!  Doesn't this seem even the _slightest_ bit inappropriate to
>> you!?  Not that I terribly mind--  Wait!  I don't acknowledge that!
>
> People can read into that in so many different ways.

Perfect. :3

>>     This is beyond unfair, considering that my loss was already a
>> foregone conclusion.  You don't need cheat codes when you get to level
>> 99, Haruhi.
>
> Hehehehehehehe. Well, he has a point. And, for good or for ill, this
> fic serves as a great advertisement for the novel version of Haruhi.
> Kyon as a narrator is fascinating, to say the least.

I don't know that I captured him perfectly, but I tried my best to
match his tone.  One warning about the novels:  Generally, Kyon NEVER
gets quotation marks on his dialogue in the originals.  The
fantranslations give him some quotation marks, but not many.  So,
there's absolutely 0 divide between his speech and the narrative, a
convention I actually don't like terribly much, even though I do enjoy
the novels. :/

> Asahina: (accidentally whacks her head on the counter, disables her
> censorship chip) Owie--fuck this shit! Kyon! Come here, you
> cocksucker! I'll teach you to fuck around with Nagato! I'll Abu Ghraib
> your ass! >:(
>
> Kyon: OAO Piiiii! Piiiii! Piiiii! Piiiii! Piiiii! Piiiii!

Mikuru-hacked: Unless you give me my share first!

Kyon:  Pii.....?  O.o;;

>>     "Well, of course she's smiling now," Haruhi says, rolling her
>
> Suggest: of course, she's (missing comma)

Not sure about that one; seems to scan poorly.

>>     On a personal note to Haruhi, though one I will not speak aloud:
>> I STRONGLY DISAGREE.
>
> Haruhi: In regards to being an idiot or in regards to our ability to
> beat information into your skull?

Kyon: ...yes.

>>     "Yeah, okay, next order of business," she says, turning to the
>> waitress and stabbing a finger at me, "since he made Yuki-chan cry,
>> even if it was because she's happy, he's covering all of us.  So,
>> everyone, order whatever you want!"  The waitress giggles quietly and
>> nods, brushing a strand of pale green hair out of her face and giving
>> me an encouraging wink after Haruhi turns to the menu.
>
> ...Kimidori-san?

Though she appears to have some sort of stealth aura (actually, it's
suggested that all of the interfaces do, even Kuyou Suou, who has hers
turned to eleven), she actually is a waitress at the regular cafe.

>>     Her eyes shimmer slightly and she gives that tiny nod she uses,
>> her smile widening the merest amount.  That's enough for me ... for
>> now, anyway.
>
> Huh. A WAFFY fic from Brian Randall. Is it a sign of the changing
> times? Enough of the nineties angst that was commonplace in fics a
> decade or so ago such that even Stefan Gagne had to complain about it
> in a detailed rant way back in 1996
> (http://ffmlsearch.inklesspen.com/message/show/1186904120.M923648P12296Q18603.euterpe)?
> :P Who knows?

Or maybe some of us grew up a little...?

>>     Author's notes (03/02/'10): And ... done.  Technically, this
>> could be a standalone fic that has nothing to do with the previous
>> chapters, which are somewhat AU, while this could more likely fit into
>> the cannon universe.
>
> I didn't realize Kyon was so fond of Nagato, especially since he
> white-knights Asahina more often than not AFAIK. I really have to read
> those novels. If only I didn't have such a huge backlog of things to
> watch and read. Oh well.

My own notes on that are that Kyon is very attracted to Mikuru (quite
obviously), but doesn't actually rely on her for _anything_.  He
doesn't have the moe-induced urge to protect Nagato very often, but it
does come up --  in Editor in Chief * Straight Ahead, Charmed at First
Sight * Lover, and one of Kyon's Crowning Moments of
Awesome/Heartwarming (and a huge Big Damn Hero moment on his part)
near the end of book 4.

>>     Anyway.  Next Haruhi fic, something I will probably end up
>> titling 'Kyon: Big Damn Hero' (check the TVtropes website),
>
> Kyon as a Big Damn Hero? I don't know about you, but I see him more as
> a hapless observer who can incidentally manipulate a quote-unquote
> "goddess" than a hero more often than not. Or god, but I'm still not
> quite clear on that aspect of the canon story.

True enough, but the title was a bit more catching than Kyon: Chewtoy
of Fate (though, that one is amusing).  It's meant to be an
exploration of the vastly underutilized Kyon-gets-a-powerup genre.
The first 4 chapters are on ff.net, but the quality is not good enough
to warrant it ever being posted here (pity, that, but it keeps me
writing).

>> which will
>> be comedy/action/harem.  Obviously.  Then the inevitable Ranma/Haruhi
>> crossover (which I will probably actually title The Inevitable Ranma
>> 1/2 Crossover of Suzumiya Haruhi).
>
> It's only inevitable in the FFML, but then again, if anybody's going
> to write about it, then I'd expect it to be you. ^_^; At any rate,
> it's grammar time once again!

Am I so predictable? :p

> As for the grammar: Hmmm. This is still worse than your best efforts
> at grammar, but it's vastly improved from your worst efforts. Besides,
> the mistakes are isolated incidences for the most part and the commas,
> well, I was a lot more lenient with them this time around for the sake
> of style... Strunk and White be damned.

Ouch?  :p

Indede, me grammer skilz our accationally week.

I do appreciate what you've pointed out, however; I'll try and keep it
in mind.  That being said, what you consider my better grammar
attempts were probably back from when I had pre-readers (as I no
longer do, these days...).  I can't blame being rusty on the Refuge
not being around anymore. :/

> As for the stories themselves: First off, the ending of Chapter 6
> was... well, a lot of concentration was put in the metaphoric aspect
> of Nagato's time travel, which surprised me. Granted, fans of Haruhi
> have all seen that knife battle between Ryoko, Kyon, and Yuki (so
> there's no need to concentrate on that particular scene) and the
> metaphysical scenes weren't really off-putting, they just... dragged
> on just a little bit. Just a little bit. Maybe it won't drag to
> engineers, programmers, and physicists who recognize the terms being
> dropped here and there, but for the average reader (or the average me,
> at the very least), three pages of technobabble is quite enough,
> beyond that tests my patience. IMO.

Yeah, I don't really like to defend my fiction without addressing it
in the story itself (I feel the work should be able to stand on its
own, or it fails), but for what it's worth: the fic starts off AU.
That long battle (it was metaphoric?) is actually correcting the AU to
match the actual canon.  If you aren't aware of the Sky Canopy
Domain/Macrospacial etc. etc. then it's probably somewhat weak.  The
extended Hyperion Cantos shout-out, I will admit, probably doesn't
help, and could be dropped, but I'm pretty happy with it for personal
reasons; I read the Hyperion Cantos back in the 90s and it was
staggering to see that, of all things, crop up in an _anime_.

One of the things that first made me like Yuki, actually.  "Wait, did
she just give Kyon a book I read over a DECADE ago!?"  Come to think
of it, I've probably reread the last two books ... four or five times
by now. >.>;;

Yeah, I'm a shameless fanboy. >_<

> As for the WAFFY ending, I'll be watching out for hints that a) Kyon
> considers Nagato as a goddess and b) he outright knows Nagato's
> feelings (because from what I heard in forums, he barely even
> discusses in his mind the feelings that Haruhi has for him) once I get
> around actually reading the light novels (Oh, and another footnote to
> myself: If I ever get around reading the Haruhi novels, then give the
> Slayers light novels a try... heh... as well). But I digress; the
> story itself was great. It was a bit too WAFFY and Nagato-centric for
> my tastes, but it had a nice, self-contained ending that I can
> appreciate, so it's all good.

For A, here's the direct quote from novel two (fantranslated): "I
really wanted to place Nagato, who was still wearing her pointed-hat
and kneeling, into a Shinto temple and worship her."  Later in the
same fic, he also refers to Nagato as a "Goddess of Death" and also
suggests that Haruhi's time would be better spent forming a cult of
Mikuru-worshipers.  So....

For B, he does know Nagato's feelings in general, seemingly better
than she herself most of the time; check Charmed at First Sight *
Lover for more details.  That being said, he seems to have a massive
blind spot for _anyone's_ regard for him directly, but this has to do
with him being an unreliable narrator (IMNSHO).  Even Koizumi starts
to get tired of Kyon's seemingly intentional obliviousness.

> In conclusion, "Error in Calculation" is a decent six-part (plus
> prologue and epilogue) Haruhi fic with IMO Ryoko's confrontation
> against Nagato and Kimidori as the main highlight followed by the
> wondrously in-character dream by Haruhi. I just love that psychotic
> TFEI alien thingy... and the beauty of loving fictional psychos is the
> fact that you won't feel to much guilt and unfortunate implications
> for loving them. ^_^ Fangirls of Sephiroth and Soujiro Seta and
> fanboys of Alex DeLarge and Rorschach seem to agree with me. Can't say
> much about the Nagato-Kyon thing since I don't "ship" them, but I'm
> guessing it's going to be loved by Nagato-Kyon lovers since even I
> found the "D~AWWW" moments somewhat WAFFY. Here's hoping. I'm out. See
> you around.

You should check out the community around the Asakura Ryouko/Rorschach
matchup.  (No, I'm NOT kidding -- just google for fanart.)

Aaaaanyway.  Thank you very much, as always, for taking the time to
offer your corrections!  They are appreciated, even if some of the
suggestions were noted late in the process, so I couldn't include them
in this fic (I really will keep them in mind for later stories; the
stun gun thing crops up in K:BDH as well, so I can fix it there).  :D

> Keep on writing,
> Abdiel

-- 
Brian Randall
--
I write fanfiction. Too much of it. You can read it here, thanks to a
kind grant from the Larry F foundation:
http://www.florestica.com/brandall/
--
Together. Allegiance or death. BIGFIRE!
--
Haiku of my lament:

Forgive my spelling,
my U.S. education,
is the source of blame.


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