[FFML] [Ranma/Marvel] Avenging Act IV Chapter 1

[DB Sommer]

Chester Castañeda wrote:

>Hmmm. Seventeen pages on my word processor? This chapter seems to be
>on the lean side when compared to the thirty-pagers you used to churn
>out. Then again, I am impressed with the way your stories have been
>straight to the point as of late. If anything, pacing has never been a
>problem with Avenging. ^_^
>  
>

% I would actually prefer them to be smaller. In this case it was easy 
since it mostly focused on Kodachi and Hydra.

>On Thu, Apr 8, 2010 at 12:06 AM, DB Sommer <sommert at connecttime.net> wrote:
>  
>
>>Been having problem with recieving list email, so make sure it's also
>>sent to me with Reply All, if you don't mind.
>>    
>>
>
>Hope it's just a hiccup on the FFML's part, then, since this third
>(fourth?) incarnation of the mailing list has been holding up quite
>well otherwise.
>  
>

% Not the list. Just me. For some reason it doesn't send me much FFML 
stuff. I never receieved my chapter of Avenging, but did receive your 
C+C. Will have to look over the archive frequently to see what I'm missing.

>  
>
>>xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
>>    
>>
>
>This is a minor nitpick, but I noticed that your scene breaks in this
>story are, well, inconsistent. Suggest revision for consistency (yes,
>it's a bit anal-retentive on my part to note, and yes, you may have
>done it on other chapters before, but it's one of the first things
>that I noticed when scanning your fic; go figure).
>  
>

% Hmm. They seemed natural enough to me.  I'lll look them over again.

>  
>
>>Sitting at their meeting table was an attractive young woman, about the
>>same age as him, with her long black hair tied into a ponytail that hung
>>off the side of her head. She smiled warmly at him.
>>
>>Captain Japan pointed an accusatory finger at her. “What did you do to
>>my teammates?”
>>    
>>
>
>Heh. I like how this was the very first reaction that the good captain
>had. It's very much in line with the characterization you've given him
>in this story. Kudos.
>  
>

% It also make sense when you expect trouble and friends and only end up 
with a stranger in the room

>  
>
>>The girl raised a quizzical eyebrow. “I’ve provided them with a
>>headquarters, operating expenses, and a weekly stipend.”
>>    
>>
>
>Nitpick: a headquarters --> headquarters (the 'a' sounds awkward to me
>for some reason; must be because my common usage of the word usually
>necessitates 'headquarters' without the 'a'; do correct me if I'm
>mistaken with this correction).
>  
>

% Okay. Used the usual most of the grammar recommendaitons you gave

>  
>
>>“Err, that doesn’t sound too evil.”
>>
>>“I should hope not. I’m Kodachi Kunou, your benefactress.” She rose and
>>bowed before him.
>>    
>>
>
>Ah. Oh yeah. They never met, face to face; more like faceplate to mask, really.
>  
>

% Correct, and it was time they did. Have to move the characterizations 
along as well as the plot. The interaction helps.

>  
>
>>“Oh, pleased to meet you.” He bowed back, then rose up. “This ain’t the
>>time for introductions. We got an emergency.” Most likely it was another
>>world beater, like the Mandarin, MODOK, or Master Vamp and his Allies of
>>Evil.
>>    
>>
>
>Sounds like the list of items and issues of a Silver Age comic fan's
>shopping bag. All it needs is that dragon that wears spandex briefs.
>Fing Fang? Foom.
>  
>

% Already mentioned as a legendary Chinese creature in Act I. Also 
Master Vamp is from Astro figher Sunred. MV is actually an amusing 
amicable antagonist. He treats the help well, and even exchanges 
recipies with Sunred's girlfriend.

>  
>
>>“What’s the emergency and where are the others?” Captain Japan asked.
>>
>>Kodachi’s delight grew. “It’s an emergency only you can help me with. I
>>need a dat… bodyguard, for a function tonight.”
>>    
>>
>
>Heh. Well now, that's more like the Kodachi I'm familiar with. This is
>more reminiscent anime characterization than manga, admittedly, but
>only because the manga doesn't nearly expose Kodachi as the anime.
>  
>

% I think it goes well with her previous Avenging personality, though

>  
>
>
>
>>Kodachi gave a delighted clap of her hands. “Excellent.” She snapped her
>>fingers and a small army of tailors emerged from the rear entryway and
>>descended upon Captain Japan.
>>    
>>
>
>Er, you're not going to do the tux-wearing superhero who still has his
>mask on, are you? That's so... "The Tick".
>
>Captain Japan: Why not? Ranma 1/2 was a comedy too, you know.
>  
>

% Nope, though he will go with what he thinks is a fiendishly clever 
disguise. I was going to include a scene where he went to Ukyou to have 
the perm, since she knows hair since she's a girly-girl, but it was 
unncessary and didn't add much to the story.


>  
>
>>Captain Japan sighed. This was not turning out the way he had thought.
>>Now he was sorry he had agreed to the whole thing. But he had, and he
>>wouldn’t go back on his word even if he wasn’t a paragon of virtue.
>>    
>>
>
>Yeah, outright refusals just aren't your style here or in canon.
>  
>

% Yeah, he generally follows through on what he agrees to.

>  
>
>>Still there was no way he could let her know his secret identity. He was
>>going to have to think fast.
>>    
>>
>
>Your tuxedo only needs a mask now.
>
>(theme of Tuxedo Kamen plays in the background)
>
>Ew. Sucks to be you.
>  
>

% Heh

>  
>
>>Mentallo looked at the electronic pad in his hand. “Yep. Three Cobalt
>>Cannons, including this one. Also there’s a Cobalt Cuffs System, a
>>Cobaltronic ray, which is opposed to the Cobalt Ray Weapon, and a Cobalt
>>Bomb.”
>>    
>>
>
>...So where's the Cobalt Man who's supposed to own all this stuff?
>
>Mentallo: He's off fighting Megaman in Megaman 10?
>  
>

% CB Japan version was killed in Defenders by the Crimson Cowl and his 
Masters of Evil. Richard Ryder the original Cobalt Man does exist in 
this universe as well.

% And there was a Megaman who fought Nova once. He had no face. While he 
was shown briefly as being on the Strangers Lab world and brought back 
to Earth, no one has been stupid enough to bring him back.

>  
>
>
>>Swords, ray guns, robots, and even chemicals, such as Formula 410 (which
>>safely cleaned porcelain, enamel, glass, and all consciousness from the
>>brain)
>>    
>>
>
>Heh.
>  
>

% Found that on the ever useful Marvel Appendix, along with the majority 
of Cobalt oriented items.

>  
>
>>Mentallo’s head jerked so suddenly he almost gave himself a case of
>>whiplash. “Whoa, I sense something evil nearby.”
>>
>>Fixer panicked. “The Hydra Legal Division?”
>>    
>>
>
>*da-dum-twish!*
>
>Guisman (Double Dragon the Movie): You think I'm bad? You should meet my lawyer!
>  
>

% Problems don't crop up when only one lawyer's around, it's when a 
second pops up that the problems start.


>  
>
>>“No. I mean the type of evil that feels like an inky cloud of darkness
>>creeping over your soul, not the type that tortures you while
>>overbilling you for it.
>>    
>>
>
>Shampoo: Very important qualifier.
>  
>

% I'm sure the Chinese have some version of Hell that involves being 
overbilled. As well as paper cuts.

>  
>
>
>
>>building and to his death. Evidently he confused falling with flying.”
>>    
>>
>
>Revise: Evidently he --> Evidently, he
>
>Buzz Lightyear: (nods sagely)
>  
>

% He acutally died in the modern (well, 60's at the time) in the old Sub 
Mariner title this way. It was kind of amusing since he was supposed to 
be a great foe of Namor. Ironic that his insanity is what did him in, 
not Subby himself.

>
>
>
>  
>
>>Mentallo sighed. This was not going to end well. He could feel it in his
>>bones. At least there was one redeeming thing about the situation: there
>>were no lesbians involved in it.
>>    
>>
>
>I've long forgotten the context behind that line.
>

% He's from KOR. He fell in love with Madoka at first sight, only it 
turned out she was  a lesbian and Hikaru her bitch, so he developed a 
real antipathy toward lesbians.


> Methinks the
>Avenging continuity is starting to get so big -- I daresay comparable
>to the comic continuities nowadays -- that you may be doing this in
>the next few chapters:
>
>Mentallo: At least there were no lesbians involved in it (see Avenging
>II: Chapter 5).
>
>...Either that, or I'm just not paying enough attention. I'm a bit of
>a goldfish in terms of memory when it comes to these things.
>  
>

% That is why I put out the Guidebook. I probably ought to post the 
updated version here as well. it serves as a scorecard as sorts, 
including categorizing one shots vs, the more important recurring 
characters.

>
>>Imperial Hydra’s audience chamber. The leader of Hydra was seated behind
>>an expensive antique desk that everyone knew bristled with hidden high
>>tech armament that could kill anyone using a host of inventive means
>>with the flick of a switch. Not too many people argued with management
>>under those conditions.
>>    
>>
>
>Was the throne, er, desk designed by Lord Ilpalazzo?
>  
>

% Heh. No, but it could have been

>  
>
>>organization. All he cared about was getting paid and being allowed to
>>use the labs to build whatever he wanted. The man behind the curtain
>>could stay right where he was, as far as Fixer was concerned.
>>    
>>
>
>Suggest: was, as --> was as
>
>How insightful. It makes sense, his line of reasoning.
>  
>

% Yep. he knows what he wants and is content

>
>
>  
>
>>“A babushka doll,” Mentallo provided.
>>    
>>
>
>A babushka doll can be cool. Just watch the ending episode of Tengen
>Toppa Guren-Lagann to see how babushka dolls can be done right.
>  
>

% Heh

>  
>
>
>  
>
>>sledgehammer. Perhaps we should dump it somewhere safe, like an active
>>volcano or the bottom of the ocean?”
>>    
>>
>
>Mentallo: But where will we find hobbits or a motley crew of pirates
>to do just that?
>  
>

% And I should have rephrased it as 'stored' rather than 'dumped' so the 
implication is destruction rather than saying it outright

>  
>
>
>  
>
>>the crown to one of my subordinates. Not you two,” the Imperial Hydra
>>    
>>
>
>I don't know. That crown could very well turn one of your subordinates
>into Starscream in terms of, erm, traitorability, so many you should
>think of another plan.
>  
>

% She's assuming she could kill the wielder anyway. She'll mention later 
she was hoping contact would make someone evil, and then Tofu could run 
the organization, which is one of her plans. Unfotunately he's not being 
the amicable child she wants.

>
>>showing off an athletic body. She even
>>wore green lipstick along with her merciless gaze.
>>    
>>
>
>Reina from Groove Adventure Rave?
>  
>

% The original Madame Hydra/Viper II. She's been around and fought just 
about everyone by now.

>  
>
>>Both agents held up their hands and shouted out the Hydra slogan.
>>    
>>
>
>Madame and Master Hydra: HAIL, ILPALAZZO!
>  
>

% I covered the greeting in an earlier chapter, and I really don't feel 
like reciting the silly motto any more. :)

>  
>
>>Once the formalities were complete, the Imperial Hydra spoke. “Now
>>listen up. I’m looking for an agent to lead a special mission, one that
>>needs someone really evil to run it. You two come highly recommended, so
>>I’m going to ask you a few questions and your answers will determine who
>>gets the assignment.” The Imperial Hydra pulled out a questionnaire and
>>began reading from it.
>>    
>>
>
>Heh. I like him. He's silly.
>  
>

% Well, it is Mrs. Ono. She really only running it because her husband 
kicked the bucket and it *is* a family business. She does have a knack 
for it, though.

>  
>
>>“What’s the largest amount of money you made
>>using an evil scheme? Madame Hydra?”
>>
>>“I used a convent as a front for a drug smuggling and prostitution ring
>>that made millions,” Madame Hydra answered primly.
>>    
>>
>
>This skit reminds me of Austin Powers for some reason. Can't quite put
>my finger on just why.
>  
>

% It is done in that vein.

>  
>
>>The Imperial Hydra turned to the other applicant. “Master Hydra.”
>>
>>“Please, call me Orochimaru,” he asked.
>>    
>>
>
>I wonder if Orochimaru could ever become Cobra Commander or Serpentor
>in a Naruto/GI Joe fusion reminiscent of this story...
>
>On that note, it's interesting to know that Hydra was actually the
>forefather of Cobra thanks to Hasbro asking Marvel for a storyline for
>its GI Joe toy line, and an author using the rejected script for a
>comic involving Nick Fury's son and Hydra operatives and adapting it
>for the toy line.
>
>It's very fascinating indeed; almost as fascinating as X-men being
>almost a complete rip-off of Doom Patrol.
>  
>

% There are similarities, but the dynamics were different, at least.

>  
>
>>“I once sent out a chain letter that made me hundreds,” he offered.
>>
>>The Imperial Hydra grimaced. “Ah yes. I’ve always hated those things.
>>You know they’re a scam, but you’re so afraid of receiving bad luck that
>>you send money anyway. Very evil indeed.”
>>    
>>
>
>LOL.
>
>...Though I am just surprised that there are no pedophilia jokes to be
>had at the Orochimaru's expense thus far.
>  
>

% Nah. No need. He has plenty of other humor for as long as he's around.


>  
>
>
>>“Inventive. Orochimaru.”
>>
>>Orochimaru pulled out his sidearm and shot Madame Hydra in the head. “I
>>once killed a coworker because we were in competition for the same job
>>opening.”
>>    
>>
>
>XD That's the best one yet. This could be the funniest skit I've read
>from you, DB; it's right up there with the Dojo Destroyer skits from
>"Those Who Hunt Ninjas". ^_^
>
>Aw, looks like I was wrong about Reina and the girl's nothing more
>than a cliché and generic villain for Orochimaru to kill.
>  
>

% Well Viper did move on to other things, though I've never been 
thrilled about her. She's a bit too much of a whack job for me to enjoy.

>  
>
>
>>“No, although you’re welcome to some. It’s that crown I need you to
>>wear. It’s the perfect adornment for a strike leader.”
>>
>>“That’s a relief. I’ve always been more of a coffee man myself.”
>>    
>>
>
>It's nice to see that the comedy of Avenging is back to form. ^_^
>  
>

% Thanks, and just because you're evil doesn't mean you can't enjoy a 
pleasent coversation about your likes and dislikes with your fellow 
evildoers.

>  
>
>>courage to land Captain Japan for herself. The first step in getting him
>>alone with the bogus emergency worked like a charm, as was manipulate…
>>    
>>
>
>Suggest: manipulate... --> manipulating...
>  
>

% That ended abruptly to show she mentally changed her word selection. 
manipulate does have a dirty connotation to it. :)

>  
>
>
>
>>(and showed off his great ass), he had shown up with freshly permed
>>hair, a bushy mustache, and large aviator style sunglasses.
>>    
>>
>
>Suggest: aviator style sunglasses --> aviator-style sunglasses
>
>His disguises as a man are just as ridiculous as his disguises as a
>girl, apparently. And, sans pigtail, he now has Tatewaki Kuno's
>hairstyle. No wonder Kodachi was so shocked.
>  
>

% I don't think tate used a perm. More of a mini pompadour perhaps?

>  
>
>>were supposed to ‘let it all hang out’ (well, perhaps not *everything*,
>>at least until the third or fourth date). When she had asked him his
>>name, he informed her to address him as ‘C.J.’. Really! Still, she had
>>    
>>
>
>Chris Jones is self-inserting himself into a DB Sommer fic? Huh. I
>hope he doesn't infect anybody with "The Virus" or anything.
>  
>

% Oh yes, I vaguely remember him.

>  
>
>>That included attaching herself to his arm in front of the
>>crème-de-la-crème of the rich and famous she had invited to this party.
>>She had pulled out all the stops, hiring only the best facilities,
>>caterers, and even snared the musical duo of Chiaki and Noda, two of the
>>    
>>
>
>Heh. Cool Nodame Cantabile reference.
>  
>

% Tried to be subtle about it. Didn't watch it, though. Didn't really 
sound intriguiging to me.

>
>  
>
>  
>
>>“That guy did have cat-like reflexes,” ‘C.J.’ agreed, recalling how he
>>had nearly managed to touch-brush both Kodachi’s breasts and ass
>>simultaneously. If Zemo went the super-villain route, ‘The Human
>>Tentacle’ was probably the perfect name.
>>    
>>
>
>"Baron Zemo" strikes fear into the hearts of his enemies. "The Human
>Tentacle" will probably just turn on avid watchers of Japanese cartoon
>porn.
>  
>

% Too true. Too true.

>  
>
>>“Oh, if only it were someone so desirable. It’s Ryoko and Shuutaro, the
>>Mendou Twins,” Kodachi thought about it a moment. “Well, technically
>>they aren’t twins, but they’re together so often they might as well be.”
>>    
>>
>
>Ah, Shutaro Mendo. That takes me back... well, not _that_ far back (I
>was in grade school when this show and comic was being produced), but
>I did catch snippets of the series in the nineties and watched the
>whole show on cable once. Good times, Urusei Yatsura... Good times.
>  
>

% Managed to watch it nearly ten years ago via rentals. Enjoyable, 
though it got real repetitive by the end. While I haven't seen it for a 
while, Beautiful Dreamer was the high point of hte series to me, and 
ironically it was the second thing I saw of it, outside of the first 4 eps.

>  
>
>>She had put up with Ryoko’s crap in particular for far too much a
>>portion of her life. The problem with the rich and privileged was that
>>they generally only allowed their children to mingle with other children
>>of the rich and privileged, as though lack of money was a contagious
>>disease. And frankly most of Kodachi’s contemporaries were spoiled
>>    
>>
>
>Takes one to know one?
>  
>

% Could be, though she wouldn't admit to it.

>  
>
>>paid what Ryoko deemed too much of his attention to Kodachi. Not that
>>Kodachi liked the pompous twit: he reminded her far too much of her
>>missing brother. At least he didn’t run around with a bokken and pretend
>>he was a samurai.
>>    
>>
>
>Yeah... wait, what? Didn't Shutaro Mendo run around with _an actual
>sword_ and was an _actual_ descendant of samurai? Ataru even learned
>how to block the sword with his bare hands because Mendo keeps on
>bringing that weapon around.
>
>Mendo: Then Kodachi isn't really wrong with her assessment. Unlike her
>brother, I'm the _real deal_.
>
>Yeah, well I like Akira Kamiya better as a drunkard detective or a
>master of Bruce-Lee-like martial arts than as a proto-Tatewaki Kuno,
>thank you very much.
>  
>

% Heh

>  
>
>>“Oh, I could hardly pass up an opportunity to attend one of your
>>parties, since they’re so infrequent. And that’s a nice dress you have.
>>It covers you up nicely.”
>>    
>>
>
>Hehehehe. It takes talent to make backhanded compliments like that.
>  
>

% Yeah, but as you mention Kodachi's isn't that good. I don't like 
following up a good line with a bad one, but nothing really sprang to 
mind at that point.

>  
>
>>Kodachi’s eyebrow twitched. She had a better body than Ryoko, she just
>>couldn’t display her wares in that manner.
>>    
>>
>
>Yeah, that leotard your wear in Earth R.5 didn't exactly leave much to
>the imagination.
>  
>

% No, no it didn't.

>  
>
>  
>
>>“Actually he’s my escort for the evening,” Kodachi ‘corrected’. “This is
>>C.J., who is quite the man.” She felt her Captain jerk at the statement,
>>    
>>
>
>LOL. Inadvertent, but "Captain Jerk" is also a good moniker for Ranma.
>  
>

% He's not much of one here.

>  
>
>>Ryoko mirrored Kodachi’s motion by putting her arm through Shuutaro’s
>>snuggling against him even more closely. “I’d only date a man who could
>>compare to my brother, and I haven’t found one yet.”
>>    
>>
>
>Ataru Moroboshi = Shutaro Mendo? Well, perhaps in craziness, you could
>make an argument for that...
>  
>

% Nah, Mendou contributed to things, but Ataru was the ringmaster. No 
doubt about that

>  
>
>>Shuutaro finally entered the conversation. “And I feel the same way
>>about finding a woman superior to my sister. Mendous don’t settle for
>>second best.”
>>    
>>
>
>Incest is still the best?
>  
>

% It does seem an unhealthy relationship

>  
>
>>He turned to C.J. “So, I understand you’re one of
>>Kodachi’s test subjects for the new line of steroids from her recent
>>pharmaceutical acquisition?”
>>    
>>
>
>Hehehe. Then again, technically, isn't the super serum a steroid? It's
>a performance-enhancing drug, that's for certain.
>  
>

% The latter, probably. But it is a one time thing.

>  
>
>
>>Shuutaro gave him an appalled look. “And have people think I work for a
>>living? Hardly, I’m going for the ‘indolent, decadent rich’ appearance.”
>>
>>“And you pull it off wonderfully, brother,” Ryoko said as she all but
>>genuflected in his presence.
>>    
>>
>
>^_^;
>  
>

% Nice to see that worked.

>  
>
>>Before the verbal sparring could continue, a girl, European in
>>appearance, took Shuutaro’s arm in an affectionate manner. Ryoko shot
>>the girl a look a truly evil glare. Kodachi recognized her as Justine
>>Hammer, another child of the rich, though from what Kodachi had heard
>>her powerful father, Justin Hammer, was not exactly thrilled with her
>>behavior. She wasn’t an official black cat of the family, but nor was
>>    
>>
>
>"Black cat" or "black sheep"? I think "black sheep" is more
>appropriate, correct me if I'm wrong.
>  
>

% Yeah, supposed to be black sheep

>Justine Hammer: Actually, it's Crimson Cowl.
>  
>

% Well, there is another out there. He appeared in Defending and was the 
mastermind there. Haven't heard from David Dee in a while. I really 
should check in on him.

>  
>
>
>>he could show me his ‘Death Ray.’ Really, just because our fathers do
>>business together he thinks he can take liberties.”
>>    
>>
>
>Boy, Zemo sure is going to give even Ataru a run for his money.
>  
>

% He doesn't get to be a super villain in this, so he'll have to settle 
for off screen cameo.

>
>  
>
>>“Escort!” Kodachi hissed. Why was it everyone thought she couldn’t land
>>a man as hunky as her Captain?
>>    
>>
>
>...Because you couldn't and he is technically acting as your bodyguard?
>  
>

% Truth does hurt.

>Kodachi: (ignores that remark, begins treating Ranma as the Kevin
>Costner to her Whitney Houston) AAND IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
>WIIIIILLLLLLLLL ALWAAAAAAAAAAAAYS LOOOOOOOOOVE YOOOUUUUU...
>
>Ranma: (shrugs) The Taiwanese kid on Youtube belted a better version
>of the song than you.
>
>Kodachi: >:(
>  
>

% I heard about that kid. Ought to check it out sometime

>  
>
>
>  
>
>>“Greetings, Miss Kunou. Nice mustache,” Stark said to the hero in only
>>slightly accented Japanese as he kissed Kodachi’s hand.
>>    
>>
>
>Heh. On a side note, Robert Downey Junior taking the role as Tony
>Stark has done wonders to reviving Stark's charm to the newer
>generation.
>  
>

% True. They cast the right guy for the role. I'm hoping the second 
movie is good too. The first will be a hard act to follow

>  
>
>>Kodachi noticed her Captain pay far too much attention to the buxom
>>redhead. Really, what was it about large-breasted bimbos that men found
>>so appealing, like that Bucky trollop? Blow up dolls had the same
>>appeal, and were nearly as dynamic conversationalists.
>>    
>>
>
>For some men, that's _exactly_ their appeal... take that as you will.
>Oh, and Christina Hendricks. Just Christina Hendricks.
>  
>

% Heh

>  
>
>
>
>>The caught Stark’s interest. “I didn’t know you two had any dealing
>>together.”
>>
>>“Perhaps we should have one ourselves,” a new voice ventured.
>>    
>>
>
>What is this, Forbes Fiction 500? Is Montgomery Burns the next to
>arrive? Or Scrooge McDuck?
>  
>

% I have since provided in either forward or afterward a warning about 
that. One of the megamillion bunch is important while the rest are 
camflauge. Between earlier hints and Mentallo's panic attack most people 
should realize what the AIM item he fears is and that the owner has been 
harrassing the Avengers for a long time. Their identity is someone in 
the group.


>Oh, and according to my Google Fu, Hugh Jones's crown is now sitting
>atop Orochimaru's head. Interesting.
>  
>

% Yes. It is an interesting alternate take on Cap's Serpent Crown 
storyline back during his brief run as Nomad

>  
>
>>Her companion didn’t react to the comment. Kodachi thought the man might
>>be dead. Perhaps that was the only way a man could stomach the haughty
>>bitch.
>>    
>>
>
><g>.
>
>  
>
>>“I can’t help noticing that an S-F 202 Grenade could triple my share of
>>the market.”
>>
>>All eyes turned to the latest newcomer, a striking woman with long
>>    
>>
>
>Heh. This is getting ridiculous. If this were wrestling, this would be
>the Royal Rumble. Or whatever WCW calls its Royal Rumble during its
>heyday (because, you know, millionaires wrestling each other and
>all...)
>  
>

% See above. One of the contenders will be dealt with next chapter, 
eliminating at least one suspect.

>  
>
>>“It’s Stane-Fujikawa,” Biko corrected. “Part of the concession on
>>selling to my late father was that he take the Fujikawa family name as
>>    
>>

.... This is supposed to be Daitokuji, Fujikawa. Biko Stane-Daitokuji. 
She's from Project Ako, the blue haired rival. Blast. I hate bungling 
things like that


>
>
>  
>
>>Justine said, “Has anyone noticed the disturbing number of grisly
>>demises of company owners of late? It makes me glad I’m only the
>>dilatants offspring of one.”
>>    
>>
>
>Suggest: dilatants offspring --> dilettante's offspring (unless I
>misread what you're trying to say)
>
>http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dilatant (not to be confused with...)
>
>http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dilettante (a person who enjoys the arts
>or someone who engages in a field as an amateur out of casual interest
>rather than as a profession)
>  
>

% I changed it to layabout. No confusion there

>  
>
>
>>anti-gravity platforms they had used in the ‘Takeover of Nerima’ plan.
>>    
>>
>
>Revise: anti-gravity --> antigravity (dictionary-verifiable word, no
>need for the hyphen)
>  
>

% Cool. I didn't realize it could be one word.

>Grammar Rule #57: Hyphenate words that should be hyphenated (usually
>compound-modifiers) and unhyphenate words that shouldn't be
>hyphenated, even though it'd seem that either form is correct (Don't
>leave those words hanging in mid-air!).
>
>  
>
>>Following them was a large ape with a nametag clipped to his fur that
>>had the printed words ‘Hello, My Name is’ followed by in red magic
>>marker, ‘Monster Ape’.
>>    
>>
>
>XD
>  
>

% Thought it would be a nice touch.

>  
>
>>The final person to join the group was obviously
>>the leader, a pale faced man, his skin scaly, wearing a gaudy crown with
>>snakes on it.
>>    
>>
>
>Ranma: Let me guess... your powers have something to do with redundancy, right?
>
>Orochimaru: >:(
>  
>

% Heh

>  
>
>>He jumped up on a table, ripping off his sunglasses and mustache. “Foul
>>villains, prepare to be beaten by the greatest Avenger of them all.
>>Captain Morgan!”
>>
>>“Here, here,” Shuutaro agreed, downing the rest of his drink in one gulp.
>>    
>>
>
>Heh.
>  
>

% And with his powers, and sister close at hand, it's nice to feel 
unworried.

>  
>
>
>
>  
>
>
>
>  
>
>>He stared at her. “And you’re that chick that was a pretty good fighter.
>>Too bad thunderthighs ruined it.”
>>    
>>
>
>Suggest: thunderthighs --> thunder thighs
>
>Huh. Chun-Li was involved in the date? Man, I need to start rereading
>Avenging... :P
>  
>

% Poundcakes. She boasted about her ability to crack coconuts with her 
thighs.

>  
>
>>“Well not this time!” The two began fighting.
>>    
>>
>
>Suggest: Well not --> Well, not
>
> 
>
>  
>
>>evening. Now what was she to do? Heroically throw herself in the path of
>>the oncoming beams? While it sounded noble, it sounded even more
>>painful, and it wasn’t like she would stand a chance to do anything.
>>    
>>
>
>Not to mention the fact that shrapnel was near her heart, so, if any
>of those blasts go to her in the wrong way, in could mean instant
>death for her. Yeah, her little date has begun to really suck.
>  
>

% True. Just a bad idea all around.

>  
>
>>A hail of gunfire took the decision out of Kodachi’s hands. She turned
>>to see Cabe and the Ling girl had overturned two tables and pulled out a
>>pair of guns from under their dresses while their charges were under
>>cover, though Stark seemed to be protesting. They were shooting with
>>dangerous accuracy, each shot striking a Hydra agent.
>>    
>>
>
>On the other hand, I have this theory that whenever you're a good guy
>in fiction, regardless of how wildly you shot, you'll always hit the
>bad guy? Seems to happen a lot in Arnold Schwarzenegger movies, at
>least; at any rate, the Nostalgia Critic seems to agree.
>  
>

% On no. Beth and Ling were crack shots. That at least is legit


>  
>
>>The gunfire attracted the attention of the Hydra personnel, and a hail
>>of energy beams saturated the area. Apparently Justine didn’t care for
>>    
>>
>
>Revise: Apparently Justine --> Apparently, Justine
>
>Also: Huh. Energy beams. Hydra truly is the forefather of Cobra.
>  
>

% Sometimes you want people alive. Actually in most of the SHIELD stuff 
ray blasters were used.

>  
>
>>kicking him while he tried hammering her with his fists. Biko and Shaw
>>sought cover elsewhere, Shaw placing himself in front of the girl. Stack
>>    
>>
>
>The energy beams _shouldn't_ be a problem for Shaw unless his White
>King status has been revoked and transferred to an anime character.
>With that said, I can't seem to use my Google Fu on Biko.
>

% Explained above. She's Biko from Project Ako. *Grumble grumble*. So 
now she's the anime offspring of a Marvel character.



>
>
>  
>
>>around her, as though assuming her date could withstand the withering
>>fire. Kodachi swore she saw several of the shots arc away from them.
>>    
>>
>
>Rich _and_ has super powers. Eat that, Batman.
>  
>

% But he is clever, yes he is.

>  
>
>
>>“Well put, sister.”
>>    
>>
>
>Will they activate the Wonder Twin powers and form the Platonic Twins
>of Chojin Gakuen Gowcaizer fame?
>  
>

% More direct, but along the same lines.

>  
>
>>That turned the tide of battle as the remainder of the Hydra personnel,
>>not anticipating super-powered resistance, began to run for it. Even
>>    
>>
>
>Yes, yes. Run. Run like your contemporaries, Cobra. Show them how it's done!
>
>Orochimaru: (as Cobra Commander) HYYYYDRRAAAA! REEETREEEEEEEAAAAT!
>  
>

% Better to retreat and escape then stay and get captured.

>
>
>
>  
>
>>chest as her future boyfriend saved the day, pummeling the fiend who had
>>tried to ransom her. It made her want to swoon, were she not made of
>>sterner stuff.
>>    
>>
>
>Nice. An Optimus Prime quote. If it's not, then that's a helluva coincidence.
>  
>

% Coincidence.

>  
>
>
>>helm clipped the hero in the head. Stunned, the Hydra leader fled out
>>the way he had come in.
>>    
>>
>
>Go, Hydra Commander! Do what you do best! RETREAT!
>  
>

% Unfortunately for Orochi, it's not to liev for another day

>
>  
>
>>How could she make the second date top this one?
>>    
>>
>
>In fairness, Kodachi, out of all your iterations (even in canon),
>you're the closest Kodachi to have actually gotten this far with
>Ranma. Ganbare.
>  
>

% Heh. True. Although it was not anywhere near in the way she had planned

>  
>
>>Orochimaru staggered away from the sound of sirens. He had
>>underestimated his mastery of the Serpent Crown and the mental energy
>>required to harness its power. The force blasts had taken a lot out of
>>    
>>
>
>Huh. So Ranma is faster than the speed of thought in this continuity.
>Good to know.
>  
>

% More like you have to concentrate and then fire, so there is lag. 
Mental enegery bursts are no easy to create

>  
>
>>Orochimaru turned a corner and encountered three people. Or more
>>appropriately, two people and a yellow ball with a face on it that held
>>a plastic bag with DVDs in it.
>>    
>>
>
>Heh. I inadvertently read ahead to put in the grammar rule summary, so
>it's nice to know that from the outset of the introduction, you can
>easily tell which one of them was Onsokumaru.
>  
>

%  Oh yeah. He's sort of unique

>  
>
>>The boy took one look at Orochimaru and said, “You!” It wasn’t the sort
>>of you that was in the vein of, “You just won a million dollars,” nor
>>was it, “You need to feed the meter.” It wasn’t even, “Mr. Yu, so nice
>>to drop by.” It was, “You aren’t going to exist a moment longer.”
>>    
>>
>
>Heh. I'm glad we clarified that. Your fics may do a lot more "tell"
>than "show", but I'll be damned if your manner of "telling" isn't as
>funny as hell. ^_^
>  
>

% Hopefully its humorous delivery during the tell portions.

>  
>
>>Orochimaru hated that one.
>>    
>>
>
>^^
>  
>

% most of us do, in his defence.

>  
>
>>Lacking any weapons, and unable to summon the energies of the Serpent
>>Crown, Orochimaru went with wheedling his way out of things. He waved
>>his hand before the boy’s face, “I am not the terrorist you are looking
>>for.”
>>
>>The girl and yellow ball said in a droning tone, “You are not the
>>terrorist we are looking for.”
>>    
>>
>
>XD Sounds about right.
>  
>

% yep. Very much so.

>
>  
>
>>Damn, two out of three wasn’t bad, though. “I am certain that whatever
>>you resent me for is totally out of proportion with what I actually did.”
>>
>>“You blew up my family’s restaurant with them in it!”
>>
>>Of course! That was it. Orochimaru had just mentioned that incident.
>>“Would it help if I assured you they had it coming?”
>>    
>>
>
>Hehehehe. Oh, look. Foreshadowing. Then again, I know so little of
>Naruto that I actually believe that Orochimaru would've taken candy
>from a baby Sasuke and he'd find a way to make into a lifelong
>vendetta against him. But that may just be my ignorance talking. And
>anime pop culture osmosis.
>
>Naruto: Believe it!
>  
>

% It was fun having him killed off be sheer coincidence.

> 
>
>  
>
>>fire that would have put napalm to shame. Orochimaru died instantly and
>>was incinerated within seconds, the faint smell of roasted snake and a
>>pile of ashes the only indication he had been there.
>>    
>>
>
>If only Naruto could end the same way...
>
>You know, Avenging is kind of dangerous to many an anime character's
>health. First you kill off Haruhi, and now Orochimaru? Comic book
>characters aren't safe either; I don't think Wolverine even got any
>screen time before his demise.
>  
>

% Nope. Some people that died live, some that lived, die. It helps keep 
things unpredicable and the cast down

>  
>
>
>  
>
>>though a great burden has been lifted from my shoulders, and I’m filled
>>with a satisfaction that boarders on ecstasy.”
>>
>>“But you’re not smiling,” Shinobu pointed out.
>>
>>“Sasuke Uchiha smiles on the inside.”
>>    
>>
>
>Hehehehehehehehehehehe. I'm not sure you're portraying Sasuke
>down-pat, but at the very least he's very funny. A nice parody of him,
>even.
>  
>

% Well, no one knows what a happy Sasuke's like since he's never been 
shown to be happy. :)

>  
>
>>“You’re just staying angsty so the girls continue to flock to you,
>>aren’t you?” Onsokumaru accused.
>>
>>Sasuke remained silent.
>>    
>>
>
>Sasuke: I don't like the kind of fangirls that fawn over idiots like
>Naruto. I want blind devotion, not careful acceptance despite initial
>annoyance.
>  
>

% To each their own indeed.

>  
>
>>Onsokumaru sighed. “In any case, I’ve led you to the man you wanted to
>>kill, as I promised. Now you have to keep working for me.”
>>
>>Sasuke turned on him. “We were out on your weekly porn run and we just
>>happened to run into him.”
>>    
>>
>
>Hey, but he still got the job done. Somewhat.
>  
>

% Yes, but he is trying to inflate his ego beyond appropriate proportions.

>  
>
>>“How does knowing a ninja girl’s breast size help recruit them?”
>>
>>“It tells us what size uniforms we need to order.”
>>    
>>
>
>He got you there.
>  
>

% True

>  
>
>>“Let me see it.” Hands extended from the sides of Onsokumaru and
>>stretched out to pick up the crown. He placed it on his head. Instantly
>>his red orbs turned into vertical slits and his yellow surface took on a
>>scaly composition. To no one in particular, he said, “Yesss, I sssseeee,
>>SSSSSSet.” He paused, as though listening to a voice only he could hear.
>>“No, I don’t have to hissss my essssesssss. I thought it would be a nice
>>    
>>
>
>ROFL. Ah, humor and adventure in one package; DB Sommer has it down-pat.
>  
>

% Thanks. Nice to see it worked. I thought the balance was good for this 
one, especially since there are so many new characters. Even if some are 
laregley irrelevent

>  
>
>>He turned to his companions. “Now let’s go watch those recruiting
>>films.” And continued heading to his headquarters with his two ninja
>>associates in tow.
>>    
>>
>
>Huh. In retrospect, I could've sworn that the Sasuke that was with
>Onsokumaru and Shinobu was the comedic one... and I'm too lazy to
>recheck. Oh well... Sasuke must have gotten mixed up with all the
>other Sasukes. It happens.
>  
>

% Nope, though my description wasn't the best way back when

>  
>
>>Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
>>
>>[End chapter]
>>
>>Yay! We’re back. Yes, this one was a bit loaded with new characters, but
>>    
>>
>
>I'd say. Oh, and welcome back.
>
>  
>
>>Heck, I even wrapped up Sasuke’s little subplot from way back in Act II.
>>    
>>
>
>I barely even remember he had a subplot. Or that he's there. (thinks)
>Yeah, it was a minor subplot that doesn't jump out in my memory much.
>  
>

% it was really, really minor

>  
>
>>Next chapter will have a little plot development that will make things a
>>little more difficult for Ranma.
>>    
>>
>
>As for the story itself: As per usual with your stories, I have to go
>"Hmmm." Hmmm indeed. The first few parts of this chapter were kind of
>bland, but that's to be expected, seeing that you're still setting
>things up and all. It can't be helped. Oh, and I'm particularly
>impressed with how short this was when compared to older Avenging
>chapters.
>  
>

% I did want to keep them smaller. Hard to do with a large cast and most 
get their turn in the spotlight.

>Say what you will about the shortness of the chapters, but I
>particularly appreciate how you've begun to master the ability to pace
>your stories properly when compared to how struck with hypergraphia
>you were in your days writing Shampoo 1/2 
>

% some of those were reasonably sized, while others were truly monstrous.


>or my personal favorite
>story of yours, Path of the Warrior. It's great to read a well-written
>story that has enough prudence to shear off any tendency for filler,
>so pacing never suffers. Kudos all around in that regard, DB.
>
>As for the second quarter of the fic, that's when the real fun (and
>humor) started. Orochimaru was hilarious in this story, and the amount
>of savvy that the Imperial Hydra has is also of great note. 
>

% Mrs. Ono is on the ball. For the most part. She still has hair brained 
schemes from time to time, but no one is perfect.

>And the
>party itself is best enjoyed my Marvel nerds, anime nerds, or both at
>the same time. Or n00bs with a bit of Google Fu, but I gather not as
>much (whistles). Even as cameos, it was an interesting party
>all-in-all, and I even got to nostalgia a bit with Urusei Yatsura
>characters and laugh at the Naruto and 2x2 Shinobuden ones. Yeah, like
>Ranma said, the party was a lot more fun than initially expected. I
>thought it was going to be a transitional chapter before the main
>action happens. It kind of is, but it's also pleasantly surprising.
>I've certainly gotten a lot of laughs out of it, which is what's
>important. It's entertaining. That's all I can really say. Thanks for
>sharing!
>  
>

% And some are not actually new, but simply being revisited. Still they 
aren't terribly important so there's no reason to feel bad about 
forgetting them. And as I said, one of the party goers is a major player 
in disguise. You might even be able to figure it out.

% Thanks for all the C+C. It was of great help. I alawyas enjoy getting 
it and look forward to it.

DB Sommer

>Keep on writing,
>
>  
>