[FFML] [R1/2] Hearts of Ice, 25/?
gary at garykleppe.org
Thu May 14 07:22:25 PDT 2009
> Hearts of Ice
> Part 25: Phoenix, Part II
> by Krista Fisk
HIROSHI: I guess the original author really was serious about needing
someone else to take over the series?
GARY: This *is* the original author. And we're not doing an MSTing of
this chapter, guys. No way.
> Nabiki couldn?t believe it was over. Not the way she had imagined
> it. Oh no, quite the opposite. For Ranma, instead of rescuing her
> sister and returning in triumph to defeat Cologne and save them all,
> was dead. And Akane?
AKANE: ...will have to set one less place for supper.
KASUMI: Isn't that my line?
You've got non-ASCII characters throughout this. The dot-dot-dot there is one.
> They watched as she gently lowered Ranma?s body to the ground, and
> Nabiki felt her heart twist inside her as she realized that what
> they had hoped to prevent ? Akane discovering Ranma?s death while
> utterly alone -- had happened anyway, even as she felt a surge of
> relief that at least Akane was off the damn mountain.
That's an awfully long and winding sentence.
> And Nabiki knew at that moment that whatever else happened, her
> sister was back, and she didn?t even care that Kuno, Ukyo, Ryoga and
punct: Kuno, Ukyo, Ryoga, and
> Mousse were staring, she was there hugging her sister, and Akane
> clutched at her, crying into her hair because she was taller than
> her now, and
There's a lot of female pronouns here that might stand to be disambiguated.
> But, to Nabiki?s great surprise, Akane was still smiling through
> her tears. ?No,? she said again, and she was shaking her head and
> waving her hands in front of her as she backed towards Ranma?s body.
> ?I need to explain. I know what it looks like, but Ranma?s not
AKANE: 'e's restin'! Remarkable martial artist, ay, squire? Beautiful plumage!
I'm glad you word-wrapped so I can do line-by-line commentary, but it
seems a bit off. The last line of each of your paragraphs tends to be
longer than the others.
> Ryoga and Mousse shared an uncertain glance, before peering back at
> the changed Kendoist. Ryoga nodded hesitantly. Kuno offered him a
> small bow and started on his task, leaving the piglet and duck
> staring after him with wide, surprised eyes. Ryoga looked to Nabiki
> and bweed in a manner that could have easily been interpreted as
> ?What the hell?? but Nabiki was focused on Ukyo, helping her untie
> the gag.
Not sure if kendoist should be capitalized, as it's not the name of a
I understand that you're trying to highlight how Kuno is a changed
man, but I think their surprise is unwarranted. Even old Kuno probably
might've behaved reasonably given the situation here.
> clearing to change back to human form and get dressed. Mousse had
> the unfortunate task of bringing Shampoo up to speed with everything
> that had happened since Cologne had tapped her unconscious, and the
> stream of Mandarin
Suggest: since Cologne's tap had rendered her unconscious,
(Maybe it's just me, but at first I read this as Cologne tapping into
Shamps' unconsciousness and had to think a bit to figure out what was
> Nabiki noticed that none of them ? Ryoga, Ukyo, Kuno, Mousse or
> Shampoo ? could bring themselves
Punc: Kuno, Mousse, or Shampoo
Ryoga and Mousse are showing remarkable class here by not fighting
over the collar.
> ?Kuno has seen the light,? she told her sister. ?He finally gets
> it ? all of it. He?s a changed man.?
The treatment of Kuno is the one part of this chapter that I didn't
quite care for. I understand the difficulty of working in a serious
story with a character who was mostly played for laughs in the
original. But it seems like you've taken him through too much of a
quantum leap too soon. I like seeing him grow, but still want him to
ultimately be the same character.
If nothing else, the others should be making less of a fuss over his
change. Not only does that put a faith in him that might turn out to
be unjustified -- can they be sure he really gets it and won't revert
to some degree under pressure? -- but if it is justified, then what
they're really in effect doing is harping on what a twit he used to
be, and changed or not they ought to know he can't be happy about
> Kuno merely bowed his head in acknowledgement.
Sp: acknowledgment (I think)
I did very much enjoy the Ukyo/Nabiki scene. That's the kind of more
balanced character development that I'd like to see with Kuno.
> ?Akane,? said Mousse. Shampoo was sitting close to him, her hands
> in her lap, her head bowed, eyes overshadowed by her hair. ?If you
> would grant us this request? Shampoo and I would like to build a
> litter for bearing? for bearing Ranma back to Japan.?
And good luck getting him through Customs.
> ?Wow,? Nabiki said when she was finally finished. ?You?re hair?s
> longer than Kasumi?s.?
Fortunately, every veteran author is entitled to at least one newbie
> ?Any time,? she said, meaning it. ?You aren?t sleeping in here??
> she asked, as Akane lifted the flap to leave the tent. ?Ukyo and I
> got a three person tent so you?d have a place to sleep on the way
I'm really glad to see this back, and while this was more of a
transitional chapter, it had some very nice scenes. A bit heavy on
recaps, but it's been ten years or so since the last chapter, so
that's not necessarily a bad thing. I'm really waiting to see how/if
Ranma comes back. If you can pull this off believably then I think
this series will go down as one of the greatest fanfics ever.
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