[FFML] [R1/2] Hearts of Ice, 25/?

Gary Kleppe gary at garykleppe.org
Thu May 14 07:22:25 PDT 2009

> Hearts of Ice


> Part 25: Phoenix, Part II
> by Krista Fisk


HIROSHI: I guess the original author really was serious about needing  
someone else to take over the series?

GARY: This *is* the original author. And we're not doing an MSTing of  
this chapter, guys. No way.

> 	Nabiki couldn?t believe it was over.  Not the way she had imagined  
> it.  Oh no, quite the opposite.  For Ranma, instead of rescuing her  
> sister and returning in triumph to defeat Cologne and save them all,  
> was dead.  And Akane?

AKANE: ...will have to set one less place for supper.

KASUMI: Isn't that my line?

You've got non-ASCII characters throughout this. The dot-dot-dot there is one.

> 	They watched as she gently lowered Ranma?s body to the ground, and  
> Nabiki felt her heart twist inside her as she realized that what  
> they had hoped to prevent ? Akane discovering Ranma?s death while  
> utterly alone -- had happened anyway, even as she felt a surge of  
> relief that at least Akane was off the damn mountain.

That's an awfully long and winding sentence.

> 	And Nabiki knew at that moment that whatever else happened, her  
> sister was back, and she didn?t even care that Kuno, Ukyo, Ryoga and

punct: Kuno, Ukyo, Ryoga, and

> Mousse were staring, she was there hugging her sister, and Akane  
> clutched at her, crying into her hair because she was taller than  
> her now, and

There's a lot of female pronouns here that might stand to be disambiguated.

> 	But, to Nabiki?s great surprise, Akane was still smiling through  
> her tears.  ?No,? she said again, and she was shaking her head and  
> waving her hands in front of her as she backed towards Ranma?s body.  
>  ?I need to explain.  I know what it looks like, but Ranma?s not  
> dead!?

AKANE: 'e's restin'! Remarkable martial artist, ay, squire? Beautiful plumage!

I'm glad you word-wrapped so I can do line-by-line commentary, but it  
seems a bit off. The last line of each of your paragraphs tends to be  
longer than the others.

> 	Ryoga and Mousse shared an uncertain glance, before peering back at  
> the changed Kendoist.  Ryoga nodded hesitantly.  Kuno offered him a  
> small bow and started on his task, leaving the piglet and duck  
> staring after him with wide, surprised eyes.  Ryoga looked to Nabiki  
> and bweed in a manner that could have easily been interpreted as  
> ?What the hell?? but Nabiki was focused on Ukyo, helping her untie  
> the gag.

Not sure if kendoist should be capitalized, as it's not the name of a  
specific group.

I understand that you're trying to highlight how Kuno is a changed  
man, but I think their surprise is unwarranted. Even old Kuno probably  
might've behaved reasonably given the situation here.

> clearing to change back to human form and get dressed.  Mousse had  
> the unfortunate task of bringing Shampoo up to speed with everything  
> that had happened since Cologne had tapped her unconscious, and the  
> stream of Mandarin

Suggest: since Cologne's tap had rendered her unconscious,

(Maybe it's just me, but at first I read this as Cologne tapping into  
Shamps' unconsciousness and had to think a bit to figure out what was  
really meant.)

> 	Nabiki noticed that none of them ? Ryoga, Ukyo, Kuno, Mousse or  
> Shampoo ? could bring themselves

Punc: Kuno, Mousse, or Shampoo

Ryoga and Mousse are showing remarkable class here by not fighting  
over the collar.

> 	?Kuno has seen the light,? she told her sister.  ?He finally gets  
> it ? all of it.  He?s a changed man.?

The treatment of Kuno is the one part of this chapter that I didn't  
quite care for. I understand the difficulty of working in a serious  
story with a character who was mostly played for laughs in the  
original. But it seems like you've taken him through too much of a  
quantum leap too soon. I like seeing him grow, but still want him to  
ultimately be the same character.

If nothing else, the others should be making less of a fuss over his  
change. Not only does that put a faith in him that might turn out to  
be unjustified -- can they be sure he really gets it and won't revert  
to some degree under pressure? -- but if it is justified, then what  
they're really in effect doing is harping on what a twit he used to  
be, and changed or not they ought to know he can't be happy about  
that. :)

> 	Kuno merely bowed his head in acknowledgement.

Sp: acknowledgment (I think)

I did very much enjoy the Ukyo/Nabiki scene. That's the kind of more  
balanced character development that I'd like to see with Kuno.

> 	?Akane,? said Mousse.  Shampoo was sitting close to him, her hands  
> in her lap, her head bowed, eyes overshadowed by her hair.  ?If you  
> would grant us this request? Shampoo and I would like to build a  
> litter for bearing? for bearing Ranma back to Japan.?

And good luck getting him through Customs.

> 	?Wow,? Nabiki said when she was finally finished.  ?You?re hair?s  
> longer than Kasumi?s.?

Your hair's

Fortunately, every veteran author is entitled to at least one newbie  
mistake. :)

> 	?Any time,? she said, meaning it.  ?You aren?t sleeping in here??  
> she asked, as Akane lifted the flap to leave the tent.  ?Ukyo and I  
> got a three person tent so you?d have a place to sleep on the way  
> home.?

three-person tent

I'm really glad to see this back, and while this was more of a  
transitional chapter, it had some very nice scenes. A bit heavy on  
recaps, but it's been ten years or so since the last chapter, so  
that's not necessarily a bad thing. I'm really waiting to see how/if  
Ranma comes back. If you can pull this off believably then I think  
this series will go down as one of the greatest fanfics ever.

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