[FFML] [Mai Hime, Future] Road Trip Revision Effort Three Correct Version

John Biles john at biles.us
Sun Jun 14 09:29:49 PDT 2009


On Sat, Jun 13, 2009 at 11:11 PM, T M <allbait10 at gmail.com> wrote:

> noticed that there are two blondes named April in the story. The first
> showed up back here:
>
> I hung out on the bus, chatting with my friend April;
> she's a short skinny blonde freshman runner like me.  We
> gossiped about various people and talked shop to while
> away the long drive.
>
> Different people, but it might be wise to change one name, to avoid
> confusion, especially with how Gaijin names are supposed to be rare.


Yes, I was pretty embarrassed, so I changed Kasumi's friend to June.


>
>
>
> I think Shun really does represent a credible threat, romantically, not
> someone who would be dismissed. If you recall, Akira was very popular with
> the females when she attended the academy. Bishounen are a fact of life in
> an anime universe, and any guy living in one would know that women find
> them
> attractive. If anything, I think he'd be more nervous, since if Shun looks
> completely different from him, it might mean she prefers that type.


Heh, true.


>
>
>
>
> >"Hi, Tokiha-san," she said. "This is my boyfriend, Hayasaka Shigeru.
> >He's captain of the basketball team."
> >
> >"We both graduated from Fuuka," Dad said. "I was in the gardening club
> >and Akira was in the painting club."
>
> I think Takumi's line needs some sort of segue, even just something like
> "actually" or "you know." Since no one asked and no one replies it feels
> like he's randomly expositing.
>
>
> Good point.  Though he is responding to Hayasaka being Basketball man.
Changed it to:

"Nice to meet you, Hayasaka-san.  My wife and I both graduated from Fuuka,"
Dad said.  "I was in the gardening club and Akira was in the painting club."


>
>
> >"Kagami, I..." I stared her in the eyes. "Am I really worth defying
> >your family for?" No one's ever thought I was worth that. I know Mom
> >defied her family and threw away everything for Father. And Aunt Kazuya
> and
> >Akane did that for each other.
>
> I thought Kazuya was a guy?
>
> AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Fixed.



>
> You change to present tense for part of Akira's story. Was that deliberate?


Yes.

>
>
> When did it become known that Akane could use her powers anywhere? I
> remember her being shocked about finding a magic zone that close to the
> shrine, but we never had any other indication that she could use her powers
> anywhere.


Her mark persists after leaving the zone; it's basically shown off stage,
then demonstrated when Kasumi spies her using them to practice.
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