[FFML] [Mai Hime, Future] Road Trip Revision Effort Three Correct Version
allbait10 at gmail.com
Sat Jun 13 21:11:45 PDT 2009
noticed that there are two blondes named April in the story. The first
showed up back here:
I hung out on the bus, chatting with my friend April;
she's a short skinny blonde freshman runner like me. We
gossiped about various people and talked shop to while
away the long drive.
Different people, but it might be wise to change one name, to avoid
confusion, especially with how Gaijin names are supposed to be rare.
I think Shun really does represent a credible threat, romantically, not
someone who would be dismissed. If you recall, Akira was very popular with
the females when she attended the academy. Bishounen are a fact of life in
an anime universe, and any guy living in one would know that women find them
attractive. If anything, I think he'd be more nervous, since if Shun looks
completely different from him, it might mean she prefers that type.
>"Hi, Tokiha-san," she said. "This is my boyfriend, Hayasaka Shigeru.
>He's captain of the basketball team."
>"We both graduated from Fuuka," Dad said. "I was in the gardening club
>and Akira was in the painting club."
I think Takumi's line needs some sort of segue, even just something like
"actually" or "you know." Since no one asked and no one replies it feels
like he's randomly expositing.
>Which is what you need
>in martial arts, is to drill like a crazed drill seargeant until you can do
>the moves in your sleep and your body moves instinctively.
>"You may call me Akira and Takumi by his name too, since you are dating
>Shun," Mom said.
Insert a "call" between "and" and "Takumi."
>"Kagami, I..." I stared her in the eyes. "Am I really worth defying
>your family for?" No one's ever thought I was worth that. I know Mom
>defied her family and threw away everything for Father. And Aunt Kazuya and
>Akane did that for each other.
I thought Kazuya was a guy?
You change to present tense for part of Akira's story. Was that deliberate?
When did it become known that Akane could use her powers anywhere? I
remember her being shocked about finding a magic zone that close to the
shrine, but we never had any other indication that she could use her powers
-------------- next part --------------
An HTML attachment was scrubbed...
More information about the ffml