[FFML] [Naruto] The Family Man
sommert at consolidated.net
Fri Jun 5 21:55:37 PDT 2009
The Family Man
Standard disclaimer: I don’t own any of the Naruto characters.
Email address is at sommert(at)consolidated.net
All my other works are at fanfic.net, except for the lemons, which are
“Mom, Old Man, I’m home!” Kyosuke Uzumaki called out as he entered his
house, tossing his school bag next to the door. He had barely removed
his sandals when he caught some voices coming from the kitchen and
immediately headed to it.
As Kyosuke entered, he saw his mother at the stove while his father was
at the table with a couple of visitors: Sasuke Uchiha, a frequent guest
who cast a pall of morbid gloom over all (though Kyosuke’s younger
sister insisted it was cool and made gooey eyes at him whenever he came
by), and across from him….
“Sakura-chan!” Kyosuke cried out, hearts practically in his eyes as he
leapt like an arrow to the pink-haired woman, aiming right for center mass—
--And getting struck out of mid-air by his father’s fist as it slammed
into him from above and drove him down flat on the floor.
Naruto loomed over his oldest child. “Disrespectful punk, I thought I
told you to show Sakura-chan proper respect. And it’s Miss Haruno, to you.”
Sakura’s fist met the top of Naruto’s head. “Quit treating your son so
badly, and I told him he could call me that.”
Kyosuke got back to his feet as he and his father rubbed their heads in
an identical manner.
Kyosuke said, “Yeah, Old Man. I was just saying hi, like I always do.”
“You were aiming for her chest.” The two glared at one another.
“Like father, like son,” Sasuke said in a sage manner.
“Oh, yeah. Heya, Sasuke.” Kyosuke grinned and waved at the man.
“That’s Mr. Uchiha to you!” Sasuke snapped.
Naruto gave him a dismissive wave. “Don’t be so uptight, Sasuke. We’re
pretty casual around here.”
Sasuke’s eyebrow twitched.
“Dinner will be ready shortly,” Hinata said in a delighted manner.
As if that was a cue everyone returned to their seats and sat around the
table, Kyosuke making sure to get a plant himself next to Sakura, nearly
genuflecting in her presence.
“So how did school go today?” Naruto asked.
Kyosuke’s mood improved even more, though he looked right at Sakura as
he answered. “It was the greatest. The Hokage came by. He’s, like, the
most powerful and coolest guy in the world. When I grow up, I’m going to
be just like him.”
Naruto gave a depreciating laugh. “Ha! He’s nothing.”
Kyosuke stared at his father, managing to combine being insulted,
appaled, and angered all in one glare. “The Sixth is the greatest Hokage
ever to rule Konoha! Everyone says so.”
Naruto was unmoved. “I’ll have you know I was nearly Hokage once myself.”
Kyosuke went rigid as his mind seized up. Once it prosessed the
information, he laughed so hard he nearly doubled over in his chair,
which was quite the feat. “That’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever said,
old man. It’s up there with that whole, ‘I got a fox demon stuffed my
ass’ crap you used to pull.”
“I did have a nine-tailed kyuubi sealed inside me until that shrine
maiden exorcised it!” Naruto insisted.
“With her magical pry bar and a bunch of laxatives,” Kyosuke said in a
“They were not laxatives! They were magic pills with really, really bad
side effects! You’re right about the pry bar, though. You wouldn’t think
a thousand year old religion would be so contemporary in how they go
about their exorcisms,” Naruto said. “And me practically being the
Hokage is true. I’ll have you know that when I was your age I was the
best ninja in the village.”
“No, that was me,” Sasuke said icily.
“You were the worst,” Sakura reminded him. “That was how we all ended up
on the same team.”
Naruto scowled at being undermined. “All right. Shortly after that I
became the greatest ninja in the village.”
“You never beat me,” Sasuke reminded him.
“Guys who covet power so much they commit unspeakable acts with snakes
don’t count,” Naruto said primly. “And I did save your life.”
“No you didn’t!”
“Really? Who was it that rescued you from Kabuto/Orochimaru when he
grabbed you and held you captive?” Naruto smiled smugly.
“He choked to death on a chicken bone!” Sasuke snapped.
“Because I surprised him while he was eating dinner,” Naruto smiled even
more smugly than before.
Sakura added, “Even accepting that, it’s probably arguable you were the
“Well, I was almost the greatest. Old Granny Tsunade—“
Sakura smacked him in the head. “Show respect to my sensei!”
Naruto rubbed his head. “Old Granny Hokage, then.”
Sakura rolled her eyes in defeat.
Naruto continued, “Admitted I was practically the best. I was well on my
way to becoming Hokage by the time I was seventeen.”
Kyosuke scoffed. “Why didn’t you become Hokage, then?”
Naruto’s face reddened and Hinata dropped the spoon she had been using
to stir some food on the stove.
Nartuo suddenly became less boisterous, “Ah, yeah, about that. I was
kind of on a mission and helping out your Mom’s team. And well, things
happened, sort of, which ah, kind of made me reevaluate the direction of
“What sort of things?” Kyosuke asked. “You suddenly discovered you sucked?”
“You know, stuff,” Naruto said evasively.
“He knocked up your mom with you,” Sasuke said, for the first time
expressing some mirth.
Kyosuke’s jaw dropped.
“Stuff happened!” Naruto insisted while Hinata’s blush could practically
be seen radiating through her clothing. Naruto cleared his throat and
composed himself. “Anyway, after we found out, I rethought my life.
Having grown up an orphan, there was no way I wasn’t going to be the
best damn father in the world for my kid.”
Kyosuke scrunched up his jaw and looked away from his father. “You
don’t… completely suck.”
“Damn straight!” Naruto said, smacking his fist on the table. “Still got
the ‘Greatest Dad in the World,’ cup you got for me.”
“When I was six,” Kyosuke said defensively.
“Anyway, you’d have thought getting married was easy. Ha! Your grandpa
hated my guts and didn’t consider me worthy of marrying your mom.”
Hinata nodded. “Father could be a… strict… um.”
“Bastard,” Nartuo grumbled.
“Strict bastard,” Hinata agreed. “Anyway, he made your father perform a
number of feats to prove himself worthy of marrying me.”
Naruto began muttering. “Fighting lions twenty feet long with
impenetrable hides. Killing giant multi-headed serpents that, oh by the
way, grow two heads after you cut off one. Cleaning out that damn stable
in a day.”
Kyosuke perked up at that one. “How is cleaning out a bunch of shit hard?”
“It’s shit when it comes out of your ass. When it comes out of a
thousand head of cattle, it’s called manure. Even with my multiple
shadow clone technique I cut it close.”
“And Naruto-kun had to spend the next day washing up,” Hinata added.
“And there were nine other tasks he had for me,” Naruto said, sounding
exhausted just from recalling them. “But I did them all.”
“And then Grandpa accepted you?”
“And then I grabbed your mom and we eloped,” Naruto said while Hinata
had a beautific look on her face. “He was pretty pissed about it at
first, but admitted it took balls to complete the tasks that he asked
and then run off with his daughter without getting official permission.
So he warmed up to me, like everyone does.” Naruto shot his affable smile.
Kyosuke remained skeptical. “So why didn’t you keep trying to become
“I’m busy raising seven kids!” Naruto shouted. “And it ain’t my fault
either that a month after Hina-chan pops one out she gets her figure
right back and then.” Naruto’s eyes took on a distant gaze and his
fingers began wiggling as though they were fondling something.
“I see someone’s sensei rubbed off on him,” Sakura said.
Naruto turned on her. “That’s not true. I never did nothing like that
“It’s true,” Hinata added firmly. “Naruto never does things like going
into baths and peeking at women. I would know.” The Byakugan had crept
across her eyes.
Naruto whispered conspiratarily to Sasuke. “One thing my father-in-law
warned me about was never cheating on a Hyuuga girl: you never know when
they’re watching. More than one member of the family met a grisly end
when he went to sleep at night thinking he had pulled one over the
To Kyosuke, he said, “Anyhow, that’s why I would have been Hokage if it
wasn’t for my--.”
“—inability to keep it in your pants,” Sakura said.
“—my great love of family,” Naruto corrected.
Kyosuke rolled his eyes. “Sorry, Old Man. You may have been the shit in
your day, but the Sixth is not just all wise, but totally kick ass as
well. And I’m going to be like him some day,” he stated proudly.
“Oh yeah?” Naruto shot to his feet, mortally offended that his offspring
was misguided enough to think there was someone that could be a better
role model than him. “I’ll show you. I’ll take on the Sixth right now
and prove I’m better than him.” And with that he ran out of the room at
“Be back before dinner,” Hinata called out.
Naruto threw open the doors to the Sixth’s chambers. The village leader
was sitting at his desk, studiously poring over large stacks of papers
while his advisors, Konohamaru and Moegi, stood at either side.
Naruto shouted, “Udon, you snot-nosed punk! I’m challenging you to a fight.”
Udon looked up from his papers. “Naruto, good to see you. How is the
family? We expect big things from Kyosuke. He’s nearly at the top of his
Naruto beamed. “Of course, he’s my boy. I’ve taught him everything he
knows, but not everything I know.”
“Like a good ninja,” Udon said jovially.
“Yeah.” Naruto said proudly, then suddenly realized he had nearly
forgotten both his mood and the original purpose of his visit. He
cleared his throat an went back to his ‘intense’ stare. “Anyway, as I
was saying, you snot-nosed punk, I’m challenging you to a fight.”
“The Sixth is not a punk,” Moegi said.
“And he has cleared up his runny nose problem,” Konohamaru pointed out.
“Oh yeah? He’ll always be a snot-nosed punk to me until he shows me
otherwise, and that means answering a one-on-one challenge.”
Konohamaru said, “Boss, you can’t just barge in and challenge the Sixth
to a fight—“
“I’ll be glad to,” Udon said, standing up.
“You have paperwork to do!” Moegi protested.
Naruto rolled up his sleeve. “Don’t worry, this won’t take long.”
“I hope it does,” The Sixth said, “I’m getting writer’s cramp from
signing all this stuff.”
“Let’s do it!” Naruto fired off a duplicate and began creating a ransengan.
“Does anyone hear whistling?” Sakura asked.
“Incoming,” Sasuke said calmly.
Naruto slammed into the earth right outside his home, his body rolling
as it hit. He went through the open front door of his home, stopping
inside the doorway.
“Oh, how nice. The Hokage dropped him off right at his home,” Hinata
said. “Dinner’s ready.”
Kyosuke looked at the heap in the entryway. He nudged it with his food.
“You still alive, Old Man?”
Nartuo quivered on the ground, murmuring, “Hit me with two one-handed
ransengans. Didn’t even need to make a duplicate of himself. Just
twiddled his fingers and made them like that.” Naruto slowly rose to his
Kyosuke looked at him. “Satisfied you aren’t up to being Hokage?”
“It’s… like… hell,” Naruto mumbled.
“What, his techniques?”
“No, the paperwork. Mountains and mountains of it. It would drive me
insane within a week.” Naruto sat up, Hinata giving him a bowl of ramen
and putting the chopsticks in his hands. After slurping down about half
the bowl, he relaxed. “Ah, this is the life. Good friends. A great wife.
A lot of anklebiters running around. And best of all, not having to read
a thing. I guess deep in my heart, I’m content to just be a family man.”
He took another slurp, then added, “Right after I learn that technique.”
Naruto shot to his feet, handing his wife the empty bowl. He immediately
ran toward the Hokage’s building, shouting, “Udon, you snot-nosed punk,
I want a rematch. And I dare you to use that move again! I can beat it
“Stupid old man,” Kyosuke grumbled while the others just smiled
knowingly in Naruto’s direction.
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