[FFML] [Ranma] Like Something Out of a Movie

the DragonBard dragonbard at hotmail.com
Fri Feb 6 18:57:57 PST 2009


Too much telling, not enough showing.  You're skimming over so much, it's kind of 'what?'  You need to start the actual storytelling earlier, such as just before he comes into the room.
Otherwise, not bad.

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