[FFML] [Mai Hime, Future] The Summer of Her Discontent (3 and 4)

T M allbait10 at gmail.com
Sun Aug 23 11:57:01 PDT 2009

More fascinating writing; I'm really enjoying this series. Natasha's POV in
particular was highly amusing. I'm really liking her character.

Sorry if this is a bit late. :)

>We looked a bit and couldn't find the other end of the tunnel or warren
>or whatever, so we blocked it up with dirt and rocks.

>"I wonder how you tell if something is a weakpoint," Erica said.

Do the kids actually know the term "weakpoint?"

>"I think the due date is Saturday. I need...dammit," Gin said. "Ahah!
>Koyabishi-san, can I kidnap you this afternoon once classes end?"
>She blinked, stared at him, and said, "What?"
>"You're the closest thing I have to someone with Akira-sensei's body
>type," he said. "If I use Natasha, she'll end up unrecognizable."

Why is Gin calling her "sensei?"

>"It's my apology for insulting her," he said.
>"For...oh, that." I frowned at the memory, but quickly cheered back

I don't remember when this insult occured.

>"First reports about twenty or so years ago, slowly growing more
>common," she said. "Scientists can't figure it out, but we can find the
>edges and mark them. Bastards moved the buoys."

Shouldn't GPS make moving buoys useless?

>Kagami was a little jumpy all day. I had to wonder if she was going to
>end up finking on herself. Kasumi gets like that whenever she's being
>naughty, then finks on herself.

He later says he doesn't remember actually remember when she did that, only
that he'd heard the stories.

>I had rolled with it, or I wouldn't be okay. She's very strong and I am
>pretty sure she's likely become a battle princess. Not sure which element,
>though. Given the naginata...wood? For the haft?

When did the kids start associating elements with the powers?

>Watching Aunt Akane work with Kagami, it suddenly struck me that Aunt
>Akane may be showing off in part because she has no real idea any more of
>where the barrier is between what humans can actually do normally and what
>battle princess can do. She doesn't go to tournaments, doesn't even watch
>much in the way of action movies.

True, she probably doesn't have a good idea of what normal people can do.
Her frame of reference for a "skilled" fighter will be Mikoto and Akira, who
are pushing the upper limits of human ability. And if she's still losing to
Akira in her training matches, that probably further lowers her estimation
of her abilities. After all, if she still loses to a "normal" person, she
can't be _that_ good...

>She looked at me curiously, though; was she looking at my chest or did I
>hallucinate that? Sometimes, I don't understand Junko at all. I looked
>down at myself, but my body looked perfectly normal, and then Junko kicked
>me in the stomach while I was distracted, so I gave up thinking about that
>and focused on not being hit.

So, Junko thinks he's a girl? Interesting.

>Or have the strength to actually cut a cargo ship

I would think mech designed to cut open armored combat mechs could handle a
civilian hull.

>Today was more evidence Akane is one of the Augments. Probably whenever
>she vanished at Fuuka, she was upgraded. She seems sloppier about showing
>it off lately, though.

If Dorothy recognizes Akane's performance as inhuman, she would also know
that her own performance would give herself away.

>Tokugawa scored a second place for set design; their fireplace was
>really impressive, I had to admit; I guess they kept practicing after last
>year's disaster. Mind you, I suspect they performed last because of fears
>they'd set themselves on fire AGAIN.
>We got a rock.

A rock as the fireplace?

>"You are a thief," I told him angrily. "Kasumi, either let me go home
>or take me go home if you don't trust me to do it under my own power."

take me go home-> take me home

>"Crystal tasked me to tell you that the Black Serpents
>are chasing Natasha north of the party area and she's gone to try to help
>her and to ask for your help."

I don't recall Crystal actually telling Junko that Natasha was to the north.

>"Yeah, it feels pretty good," the Vice-Principal said. "I did softball
>and basketball and we did pretty well."
>"I just got good grades and ran into a tree," Regent Kanzawa said
>"I'm sorry," the Principal said to him. "I was just trying to cheer you
>"I know," he said, smiling at her. "Anyway, it's nice to meet you all,
>and I'm sure you have to go harrass your kids and we need to finish looking
>around for imaginary threats to the campus."
>"I really got yelled at, you know," the Vice-Principal said.

Yelled at for what? Did I miss something?

>The panther-borg hesitated at the edge of the rock, staring at Boris.
>Probably wise on his part. Boris now began sucking the heat out of him,
>Which seemed to make him even slower than before.

How does natasha know it's sucking the heat out of things as opposed to
generating ice? That's not an easy thing to spot visually.

>clothing into a white and gold version of my ninja
>uniform, right down to a gold-trimmed white domino mask.

Akira doesn't have a domino mask, that I can recall.

>Fortunately, Aunt Chie has the keys to that building, as her office
>and classroom is in it.

>"I'm so sorry," Kagami said to me for maybe the millionth time .
>"It's okay," I said for roughly time 3 billion myself. "

Disagreement between million and billion.


REgarding the body searches, if the hime sign is only visible in magic
zones, what was the point of strip-searching the kids? I recall Akira
thinking that they could settle this once and for all by taking the kids
down to the cave and searching them there, but if searching them there would
reveal it, why search them elsewhere?

>Or something. I could have thought I heard crying but why would one of
>them be crying? Well, it was none of my business, even if the curiosity was
>eating at me.

Remove "could have"

What exactly was Mr. Smith asked to investigate? Turning up information on
running speed is awfully specific to Kasumi, and why did he bother to
include a photo of Kagami? Unless he's specifically investigating the
school, not Primus, she should be irrelevant.

>"No one is going to die," Aunt Miyu said. "Though I would suggest Dan
>get some unarmed combat or weapon training and not just rely on surviving
>blows until he can shoot something."

Miyu said everyone dies. If she's being comforting I'd suggest "no one is
going to get killed" or "no one is going to die any time soon."

>"Surprise octopus attack!" Aunt Shiho said and began tickling me by

Perhaps "suddenly" in place of the second "surprise."

>"Mom runs a gardening store, which includes selling things which cut
>things," I told him.

Garden stores sell diamond saws? Mass-produced diamonds are cheaper in the
future, but isn't that overkill?  Wouldn't most cutting equipment be for

>You're generally using "mumbled" a lot in this story. Here in
>particular, I'd suggest using another word
>or phrase, perhaps "replied slowly." 'Mumbled' implies that listeners
>have a hard time understanding,
>and is fine for embarrassing admissions, but this isn't one

Perhaps "murmered"?

> Natasha's Tale:
>> Mom's boyfriend of the time, George. Or was he Fred?
> Red-haired and British?

Hehe Could be.

Please, please no. Bringing Harry Potter into this would just be a horrible
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