[FFML] [Azumanga] Tag Team

DB Sommer sommert at connecttime.net
Sun Aug 16 20:56:26 PDT 2009



Henry Cobb wrote:

>On Sat, Aug 15, 2009 at 10:00 PM, DB Sommer<sommert at connecttime.net> wrote:
>  
>
>>Morning classes hadn’t started yet when Kagura spotted Tomo entering the
>>room with an unmistakable bounce to her step. She waved at her fellow
>>‘Blockhead’. “Hey, Tomo, you’re looking pretty happy.”
>>    
>>
>
>Seems to be telling and showing in the same paragraph.  Try using less
>generic phrases for these two statements.
>  
>

% They just set up the setting rather than convey anything else, since 
the setting doesn't matter and I need to get to the intro the humor 
fast. Not sure what I could do, really

>  
>
>>Tomo all but bounded over. “That’s because I got to see my favorite
>>wrestler, Kenta Kobashi, kick butt last night.”
>>
>>“I didn’t know you liked him.”
>>    
>>
>
>How about showing Tomo play acting out one of Kenta's moves and then
>Kagura naming the wrestler?
>  
>
>  
>
>>“Hell yeah!” Tomo shouted in exaggerated fashion. “He’s my all-time
>>favorite, as well as the best, wrestler in the whole wide world.” At
>>that moment Tomo focused on Yomi, who was sitting with her back to her.
>>Tomo began moving up behind her, continuing on. “There’s nothing better
>>than watching him hit someone.” She brought her elbow up above Yomi’s
>>head then downward. “With the BURNING HAMM—“
>>    
>>
>
>Like starting with this?
>  
>

% Nah, I want her first 'move' to be attack Yomi and surprise the reader 
by having the 'normal' character actually outwit Tomo at her own game 
for a change.

%  Thanks for the comments, though. It is appreciated.

>-HJC
>         .-------Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List--------.
>         |   Administrators - ffml-admins at chez-vrolet.net   |
>         |   Unsubscribing - ffml-request at chez-vrolet.net   |
>         |         Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject         |
>         `----- FAQ http://chez-vrolet.net/ffml/faq.txt ----'
>
>
>
>  
>



More information about the ffml mailing list