[FFML] [Azumanga] Tag Team

Henry Cobb henry.cobb at gmail.com
Sun Aug 16 09:00:39 PDT 2009


On Sat, Aug 15, 2009 at 10:00 PM, DB Sommer<sommert at connecttime.net> wrote:
> Morning classes hadn’t started yet when Kagura spotted Tomo entering the
> room with an unmistakable bounce to her step. She waved at her fellow
> ‘Blockhead’. “Hey, Tomo, you’re looking pretty happy.”

Seems to be telling and showing in the same paragraph.  Try using less
generic phrases for these two statements.

> Tomo all but bounded over. “That’s because I got to see my favorite
> wrestler, Kenta Kobashi, kick butt last night.”
>
> “I didn’t know you liked him.”

How about showing Tomo play acting out one of Kenta's moves and then
Kagura naming the wrestler?

> “Hell yeah!” Tomo shouted in exaggerated fashion. “He’s my all-time
> favorite, as well as the best, wrestler in the whole wide world.” At
> that moment Tomo focused on Yomi, who was sitting with her back to her.
> Tomo began moving up behind her, continuing on. “There’s nothing better
> than watching him hit someone.” She brought her elbow up above Yomi’s
> head then downward. “With the BURNING HAMM—“

Like starting with this?

-HJC


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