[FFML] [Dark Cloud] What Changes, What Changes Not (prelude to Dark Corona) + Dark Corona Foreword

Aaron Nowack anowack at mimiru.net
Mon Jun 23 20:35:21 PDT 2008


The Eternal Lost Lurker wrote:
> And familiarity with the games isn't really necessary, though it's designed,
> obviously, with knowledge of them in mind. I originally conceived this story
> as a moderated roundrobin/impro, so I've tried to eliminate the need to know
> the games backwards and forwards, as I myself do.

Man, just hearing that makes me sad that Improfanfic isn't really active
anymore.  I had a lot of fun with the (few) parts I contributed to some
of the stories there way back when.

The Eternal Lost Lurker wrote:
> Disclaimers and notes follow.

Usual C&C disclaimer still applies.

> [Night of the Incident]
> [472 years ago]
[One Day Before The Day After The Incident]

> The black mists swirled violently as the terrifying beast screamed in rage
> and pain. The boy leapt away from the howling demon, sword raised in a guard
> position.
> 
> The terrible black beast dissolved, reforming into the muscular, winged
> torso it had previously adopted.

Hmm... is there a word missing in that sentence?  As is, it seems to
imply that the black beast turns into a winged torso (and nothing else.)

> "This is an outrage!" it roared. "For a human...a weak, pitiful HUMAN...to
> defeat..." A violent ripple passed through the dark form, distorting its
> voice. As the waver passed, the being diminished slightly in size, its form
> becoming less distinct and solid. Its face twisted, then, into a savage
> grin.

"Foolish player!  That was only Phase One of the boss fight!"

> "Not...nnngh...quite," a harsh, rasping voice corrected him. Toan and Simba
> looked behind them to see...
> 
> "Seda!? What--"
> 
> The king, clad in black, crawled slowly toward them, hissing in pain and
> leaving a trail of blood behind him. The Seda of the past, having heard the
> voice, looked up, and his eyes widened in horror. "What in the world...?!"

Hmm.  The reference of "The Seda of the past" is a tad confusing, and
it's not immediately clear to me which character it refers to.  I assume
it means the Seda who was briefly mentioned as "despairing over the
bloody, dying form of his beloved Sophia," and not the newcomer.
However, I would expect (without some earlier reference to the viewpoint
character time-traveling) that he would be "the Seda of the present,"
and there's no prior hint in the text that the other Seda is from the
future (I assume) and not some other form of doppelganger.

This might all be instantly obvious to someone familiar with the games,
of course.

> The door opened, and a tall, slender man walked in. His brown hair was
> longer, and he had grown a light beard; no longer did he favor the poncho
> and green cap of his youth, instead choosing to wear a suede jacket and a
> wide-brimmed leather hat he'd picked up somewhere along the way. He still
> wore brown leather gloves and boots, however, and the shimmering blue
> Atlamillia still adorned his left wrist.

Hmm... I'd have to double-check, but has the Atlamillia actually been
described yet in this story?  I recall it was in the teaser, but I don't
know whether you intend for that to always be distributed with this.  If
not, it might be a good idea to work a description in somewhere. (Unless
I just missed one, in which case ignore this paragraph.)

As someone not familiar with the games, this part really didn't work for
me.  Too many concepts and characters showed up without much in the way
of introduction.  Adding more introduction can be hard to do in a way
that doesn't bore you and people familiar with the game half-to-death,
of course, so whether you want to depends on how much you want to target
people who don't know the games.

There also wasn't a clear "hook" to get me excited about the rest of the
story, at least as someone who doesn't know the games.  The reaction of
someone who does might differ.

C&C on the next part to follow when I have a chance to read it.

-- 
           Aaron Nowack
"Never let reality get in the way of a good hypothesis."
http://www.mimiru.net/


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