[FFML] [C&C] [Death Note/?] Things Left Unwritten

[DB Sommer]

Adrian Tymes wrote:

>And a C&Cing we go...
>
>--- DB Sommer <sommert at connecttime.net> wrote:
>  
>
>>Deep down inside, in the pit of his soul, he had known Light was Kira
>>from the first time they met.
>>    
>>
>
>Technically it should be "they had met", though that'd be repeating
>"had".
>  
>

% Good point.

>  
>
>>And…
>>
>>Then…
>>
>>There…
>>
>>Was…
>>
>>Light.
>>    
>>
>
>At this point I thought maybe L had been taken inside the Note, similar
>to most of Fushigi Yuugi taking place inside a book.
>  
>

% An interesting idea.

>  
>
>>This was not what L had expected death to be like.
>>    
>>
>
>"NO ONE expects the Spanish Inquisition!  Everyone's expecting the Grim
>Reaper, or God or maybe Satan, or a formless light."
>
>"What, even the Buddhists?"
>
>"Oh, don't get me started on the Buddhists.  'What will I reincarnate
>as?'  'Are you the Buddha?'  They're not all bad, but sometimes..."
>
>"Sorry.  Well, I suppose you don't have much to inquisit about, do you?
>I mean, what with this being the other side of the grave and all."
>
>"On the contrary!  We inquisit about your life!  Prepare for an
>interrogation that will determine your fate for eternity!"
>
>"...oh.  I see.  Well.  I suppose I'm ready."
>
>"First question!  WHAT...do you wish your fate to be?"
>
>"Umm?  Well, Heaven, if that's not too much."
>
>"Right.  Off you go, then."
>
>"...eh?"
>
>"Off with you.  To Heaven."
>
>"Just like that?"
>
>"Just like that.  It's not like we have a shortage of Heaven around
>here.  Sending you to Hell to purge your sins?  That's only for the
>masochists."
>
>"But...don't I have to be worthy?"
>
>"Bah.  We save that for those who'll be going back to Earth."
>
>"You can do that?!?"
>
>"Of course we can.  But you said Heaven, so off with you!"
>
>"I've changed my mind!  I don't want to go to Heaven!"
>
>"Too late!  Off to Heaven you go!  NEXT!"
>
>Maybe replace "Heaven" and "Hell" and related concepts as appropriate
>for L's spirituality.  ^_^;
>  
>

% I don't recall if there's any indication of what it was.

>  
>
>>And to round things out, a dog that L could 
>>just sense would be annoying.
>>    
>>
>
>Was it a chihuahua?
>  
>

% No, a very naughty dog possibly belonging to a very lonely office lady.

>  
>
>>Oh yes, and there was a large black orb resting in the center of the 
>>room. That was certainly out of place. No markings on the surface
>>gave 
>>any indication of its purpose. That was the real anomaly in this
>>room.
>>    
>>
>
>That, and all the dead people who were no longer dead.  But that one
>stood out.
>  
>

% Since they aren't dead any longer, they don't really stand out.

>  
>
>>“Great, another one.” That was younger man with the agitated look.
>>    
>>
>
>"...was the younger..."
>  
>

right

>  
>
>
>>Ideas were just starting to coalesce when what appeared to be a laser
>>beam shot out of the black orb just above the wooden floor.
>>    
>>
>
>Might want to clarify: was the orb hovering above the floor, or was the
>laser beam aimed above the floor?
>  
>

% The beam. I'll try and clarify.

>  
>
>>All accept the
>>Key.
>>    
>>
>
>"All except Key."  (If "Key" is his nickname, as with "Smokes", there's
>no "the".  Otherwise, it's just "the key".  "the Key" appears elsewhere
>as well, but you can search and replace.)
>  
>

done

>  
>
>>The sides of the orb popped out, revealing racks filled with several 
>>different types of futuristic-looking weapons. L stepped close and
>>saw a 
>>man inside the orb, curled into a fetal position. He remained there, 
>>unmoving, naked, totally hairless and with some sort of breathing 
>>apparatus over his face. L didn’t have the faintest idea what that
>>was 
>>about, and had a feeling now was not the time to delve into it.
>>    
>>
>
>This seems slightly out of step.  The man behind the curtains (or at
>least something that's probably that) has just revealed himself and L
>ignores it?  Better if L can't see the guy (and so has no reason not to
>believe it's a completely automated drone), I suspect.
>  
>

% Oh no, that's part of the thing with Gantz. The mystery guy is in 
there, apparently always. Why he's there is a mystery. The tech vampire 
that they just picked up put his sword up to try and kill him, but he 
either couldn't, or instinctively thought better of it. To be honest, 
the guy's positioning makes it look like he's more a source of power 
than the brains behind everything.

>  
>
>>L decided to play along and grabbed one of each type of ‘weapon’.
>>    
>>
>
>Why quote "weapon" here?  He's grabbing actual weapons, no?
>  
>

% A couple of them aren't actually shaped much like weapons, though all 
can be used as such.

>Overall, not bad, as the others have commented.  :)
>  
>

% Helps to be familiar with Gantz. Guns, blood, boobs, and a collection 
of bizarre aliens and no real clues as to why it's going on.

% Thanks for the help.

DB Sommer

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