[FFML] [C&C] [Death Note/?] Things Left Unwritten

Adrian Tymes wingcat at pacbell.net
Sun Jun 8 17:00:08 PDT 2008

And a C&Cing we go...

--- DB Sommer <sommert at connecttime.net> wrote:
> Deep down inside, in the pit of his soul, he had known Light was Kira
> from the first time they met.

Technically it should be "they had met", though that'd be repeating

> And

> Then

> There

> Was

> Light.

At this point I thought maybe L had been taken inside the Note, similar
to most of Fushigi Yuugi taking place inside a book.

> This was not what L had expected death to be like.

"NO ONE expects the Spanish Inquisition!  Everyone's expecting the Grim
Reaper, or God or maybe Satan, or a formless light."

"What, even the Buddhists?"

"Oh, don't get me started on the Buddhists.  'What will I reincarnate
as?'  'Are you the Buddha?'  They're not all bad, but sometimes..."

"Sorry.  Well, I suppose you don't have much to inquisit about, do you?
I mean, what with this being the other side of the grave and all."

"On the contrary!  We inquisit about your life!  Prepare for an
interrogation that will determine your fate for eternity!"

"...oh.  I see.  Well.  I suppose I'm ready."

"First question!  WHAT...do you wish your fate to be?"

"Umm?  Well, Heaven, if that's not too much."

"Right.  Off you go, then."


"Off with you.  To Heaven."

"Just like that?"

"Just like that.  It's not like we have a shortage of Heaven around
here.  Sending you to Hell to purge your sins?  That's only for the

"But...don't I have to be worthy?"

"Bah.  We save that for those who'll be going back to Earth."

"You can do that?!?"

"Of course we can.  But you said Heaven, so off with you!"

"I've changed my mind!  I don't want to go to Heaven!"

"Too late!  Off to Heaven you go!  NEXT!"

Maybe replace "Heaven" and "Hell" and related concepts as appropriate
for L's spirituality.  ^_^;

> And to round things out, a dog that L could 
> just sense would be annoying.

Was it a chihuahua?

> Oh yes, and there was a large black orb resting in the center of the 
> room. That was certainly out of place. No markings on the surface
> gave 
> any indication of its purpose. That was the real anomaly in this
> room.

That, and all the dead people who were no longer dead.  But that one
stood out.

> “Great, another one.” That was younger man with the agitated look.

"...was the younger..."

> Now L noticed the enforcer half of the Yakuza fingering a hole in his
> shirt. The motion had the airs of was curiosity rather than nervous 
> habit. It really was a large hole; inappropriate considering the
> shirt 
> was in good shape in every other way.

Nit: might want to lose "really", and change the semicolon to a comma.

> Ideas were just starting to coalesce when what appeared to be a laser
> beam shot out of the black orb just above the wooden floor.

Might want to clarify: was the orb hovering above the floor, or was the
laser beam aimed above the floor?

> All accept the
> Key.

"All except Key."  (If "Key" is his nickname, as with "Smokes", there's
no "the".  Otherwise, it's just "the key".  "the Key" appears elsewhere
as well, but you can search and replace.)

> L watched as the ‘laser’ completed its task of creating the human and
> started again from the bottom up next to the being it had left
> behind. 

Might want to lose "from the bottom up": it's a bit wordy, and
potentially a bit confusing.

> It felt better; a throbbing in his ankle that had 
> bothered him was gone.

Suggest a full colon instead of a semicolon here.

> L offered his shirt to ‘Suicide Girl’, hoping it would head off the 
> potential mess. No, even as the others talked with the girl, trying
> to 
> make sense of things,

Recommend using "But" instead of "No" in this case.

> The sides of the orb popped out, revealing racks filled with several 
> different types of futuristic-looking weapons. L stepped close and
> saw a 
> man inside the orb, curled into a fetal position. He remained there, 
> unmoving, naked, totally hairless and with some sort of breathing 
> apparatus over his face. L didn’t have the faintest idea what that
> was 
> about, and had a feeling now was not the time to delve into it.

This seems slightly out of step.  The man behind the curtains (or at
least something that's probably that) has just revealed himself and L
ignores it?  Better if L can't see the guy (and so has no reason not to
believe it's a completely automated drone), I suspect.

> L decided to play along and grabbed one of each type of ‘weapon’.

Why quote "weapon" here?  He's grabbing actual weapons, no?

Overall, not bad, as the others have commented.  :)

More information about the ffml mailing list