[FFML] [C&C] Re: [SM/Marvel][Draft 1] The Age of Marvels Chapter 1

Aaron Nowack anowack at mimiru.net
Tue Jun 3 20:35:21 PDT 2008


Standard C&C Disclaimer:  All the below is my only occasionally useful
humble opinion, my only occasionally correct grammatical and spelling
corrections, and/or my only occasionally funny humor.

StudioPC wrote:
> This is the sequel to the Amazing Spiderwoman. Enjoy.

I believe I remember that one.  Ami as Spiderwoman and Sailor Mercury
with a split personality of some kind, right?

> Disclaimer: I make no claim to any copyrighted characters.
> 
> ------------------------------------------------
> 
> David Banterman, alias Bruce Banner, alias The Incredible Hulk,   
> pulled experimentally at the chains attached to the cuffs around his  
> wrists, listening to the clink.
> 
> Adamantium.
> 
> He scowled, heavy brows lowering, and moved his hips and legs. The  
> restraints there were also adamantium. His arms were pulled above his  
> head, legs spread wide, and a harness prevented him from using his  
> hips. In short, he had no wiggle room. No way to use his considerable  
> strength or bulk to pry his restraints from the wall and floor.

Well, wouldn't be much point in restraining him in the first place
otherwise.

> "Why aren't you dead yet?" he demanded.
> 
> Sailor Moon screwed up her face in thought. "Because I'm cute?"
> 
> "That's your answer for everything, isn't it?"
> 
> "It's worked so far."

Heh.

> "Ow." Makoto "Flash" Kino rubbed her head where the bit of plaster  
> had struck her and raised her eyes to the perfectly round hole in the  
> roof. It was about a meter ride and looked to have been drilled  
> there . . . if it wasn't for the charred black edges and the faint  
> smell of smoke in the air.

"a meter wide"

> Ami Mizuno was their friend. Their only friend, and a genius. Despite  
> having the body of an acrobat, she was shy and bookish, almost  
> reclusive. It drove Flash nuts, because as near as she could tell, It  
> all seemed to be the product of genetics. She'd simply "sprouted" two  
> years ago. 

Well, _applied_ genetics, I suppose.

Also, "it" there doesn't need to be capitalized.

> Flash, meanwhile, who was an athlete herself, simply  
> couldn't match her. It was infuriating . . . it made Flash angry.  
> Made her want to smash things.
> 
> Smash Ami . . .

Hmm.  Future She-Hulk, perchance?

Although she's already been fused with a Marvel character.

> Once Rogers had dressed, the two men left the room and Rogers paid  
> attention to his surroundings. The walls gleamed with tile and  
> occasionally he heard voices from speakers in the ceiling. Once, they  
> had been forced to leap aside as a black woman wearing a doctor's  
> labcoat and a stethoscope charged by, followed closely by two men.  
> She was snapping orders and the two men one a mexican and the  
> other . . . japanese, were obeying.

Mexican and Japanese should be capitalized.

> "That's a neat trick," Tony reflected and then clapped Rogers on the  
> shoulder. "Why don't we go find some beers and talk about it?"
> 
> "I'm not much of a drinker, Mr. Stark."
> 
> "Don't worry, you'll learn. And call me Tony."

Hmm.  Thus far it's much heavier on the Marvel side of things than the
Sailor Moon side, but it's an intriguing enough start.  Other than those
minor corrections and comments, I don't have much else to say.

Well, other than that I had a hard time mentally picturing original-type
Nick Fury instead of Ultimate Samuel L. Fury, but that's pretty much my
own fault. :)

-- 
           Aaron Nowack
"Never let reality get in the way of a good hypothesis."
http://www.mimiru.net/


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