[FFML] (C&C) [NGE]A Question of Accuracy

Miashara miashara at deepfriedpuppies.com
Wed Jul 2 20:25:33 PDT 2008


----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Mike Ching" <wavehawk.geo at yahoo.com>
To: <ffml at chez-vrolet.net>
Sent: Wednesday, July 02, 2008 8:33 PM
Subject: [FFML] (C&C) [NGE]A Question of Accuracy


From: "Miashara"
>         "Good morning, gentlemen."
>
>         "Good morning, sir!"
>
>         "You both know Chief Yoshida from maintenance.
> He will be the
> enlisted representative here.  Ensign Makoto, front and
> center please.
> Aoba, stand there, thank you."

IMHO, I think you should have some mention of who's talking at this point. 
It's probably better if you put spoken dialog like this (i.e. no references 
to the speakers) later on in the segment, when the readers are already clear 
who's doing what. At the start of the chapter, it's a bit off.

##Eh. By the first real paragraph it's pretty clear who's speaking. I'm not 
sure if I want to change that.

>He took took the gold

A Tuk-tuk is a sort-of Thai vehicle, the result of a drunken one-night stand 
between a jeep and a weed tiller.

Or did you mean to write just one 'took'?

^_^ Sorry, I couldn't help myself.

##[dry look]

>         It was spotted with dark blue bubo-like >splotches

"bu·bo - An inflamed, tender swelling of a lymph node, especially in the 
area of the armpit or groin, that is characteristic of certain infections, 
such as bubonic plague and syphilis."

That...isn't the 'bubo' you meant, is it?

##Actually it is exactly the bubo I meant.

>that moved
>surprised by how much he was enjoying teaching
>after all that time.

I think "After all this time" works better.

##Yup.

>Her roots
>were the color of her eyebrows,

Her...'roots'? I don't think it means what you think it means, or else it's 
one use of the word I've never come across.

## I meant the roots of her hair. She hasn't dyed it in a while, and her 
original color is showing. I'll clarify.

>Aoba was pinned by her look, paralyzed
>while he
>searched for breath.

Hmmm. I understand what you mean by this, but the sentence just doesn't seem 
to 'feel' right. Could just be my interpretation.

##Hmm. I'll play with it a bit.

>range of audible
>noises. There was something definitely melodic about the
>noises,

"Noises" used twice in two sentences. Unless you haven't got a suitable 
alternate word, try not to use the same word (noun or verb) in the same 
sentence or in 2-3 sentences immediately after the first. Or, you could try 
to phrase it differently.

##I have a problem with this. I'll see what I can do.

>Calloused fingertips flew across the keyboards,
>creating a counter
> harmony. Dr Akagi's tapping foot kept time.

Maybe it should be 'counter-harmony'? I can't be too sure of this being 
grammatically correct.

How about: "A set of calloused fingertips flew between two keyboards, 
creating its own contrary harmony as Dr Akagi's tapping foot kept time."

##To fight the encroaching extended sentence growth you mention, I broke 
that up. I'll check counter harmony.

>His footsteps made little noise, but the
>little echoed off the walls,
>bounced underneath the ceiling lights,
>and traveled along the spaces
>between the ceiling tiles like flowing
>through an aqueduct.

I think you should simplify this sentence a bit.

In fact, you've got a lot of long sentences in this fic. Descriptive is 
good, but too much just loses touch with the reader. Two commas in a 
sentence should be the max (although I break that rule quite often, myself).

##This one, and another, are there for very specific reasons. I'm trying 
something odd. Most of the other sentences are very short to draw contrast, 
and make the reader notice it.

>the noise and bore it in dissected bits
>along copper wires

I thought NERV would be wired with Fiber-Optic cable? But I digress (that's 
the techno-thriller pedantic in me talking). And from the looks of it, 
copper wire makes more sense story-wise.

##It's both unnecessary and needlessly expensive to have every wire in the 
Geofront fiberoptic. All the important ones probably are, but this is just 
some piddly little side conduit not worth the attention.

##How's that for a justification? If that doesn't work for you, I can 
probably BS up another.

>         "Well, you should. Maybe we need to take you
>clothes shopping.
>Buy some fancy shirts. And beer. Beer works wonders."

Shouldn't someone remind Misato that Shinji (Age 14) is underage for beer? 
Even if just humorously.

##She's not being serious. We hope.

##Remember at the begining of the OC when she says something to Ritsuko to 
the effect of she's not going to seduce Shinji? Same kind of irreverance.

>the rim of hoarfrost that had begun to ring
>the inside.

I had to look up dictionary.com to find out what hoarfrost was (I avoid 
beer--it makes me do certain things I will regret when I'm sober). It's not 
bad to use interesting words per se, but not everyone goes through a 
dictionary while reading.

##I try not to use too many, but horfrost is more concise than, "a ring of 
frost above the water level that developed from the incredible cold of the 
room."

> sheets. Smoke curled up above her and wafted into the
> temperature
> sensor, which shot a puff of cold air. On contact with the
> colder air
> the doctor's skin suddenly slicked over with sweat.
> That faded as the
> air warmed up.

...Ritsuko sweats when she's cold? Also, I don't get how a temperature 
sensor can 'shoot a puff of air". Maybe the sensor detects it, and the air 
conditioning system responds, but I don't think it's the sensor itself.

##Ritsuko is, how shall we put this, all messed up? As for the puff of air, 
I dunno. I've had enviornmental control systems that shoot puffs of cold 
air. It's probably not great prose, but it gets the point across.

I'll snip the rest because the ELL's fic, while interesting, is probably not 
relevant C&C. Unless I'm missing something. I shall meditate upon this.

Anyway, thanks for the commentary. I'll see what I can do about the changes 
you mentioned. I really appreciate the advice.

Miashara

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
<i>"They sicken of the calm who know the storm."</i>
-<b>Dorothy Parker</b>
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*





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