[FFML] (C&C) [NGE]A Question of Accuracy

Mike Ching wavehawk.geo at yahoo.com
Wed Jul 2 19:33:37 PDT 2008


From: "Miashara"
>         "Good morning, gentlemen."
> 
>         "Good morning, sir!"
> 
>         "You both know Chief Yoshida from maintenance.
> He will be the
> enlisted representative here.  Ensign Makoto, front and
> center please.
> Aoba, stand there, thank you."

IMHO, I think you should have some mention of who's talking at this point. It's probably better if you put spoken dialog like this (i.e. no references to the speakers) later on in the segment, when the readers are already clear who's doing what. At the start of the chapter, it's a bit off.

>He took took the gold

A Tuk-tuk is a sort-of Thai vehicle, the result of a drunken one-night stand between a jeep and a weed tiller.

Or did you mean to write just one 'took'?

^_^ Sorry, I couldn't help myself.

>         It was spotted with dark blue bubo-like >splotches

"bu·bo - An inflamed, tender swelling of a lymph node, especially in the area of the armpit or groin, that is characteristic of certain infections, such as bubonic plague and syphilis."

That...isn't the 'bubo' you meant, is it?

>that moved
>surprised by how much he was enjoying teaching 
>after all that time. 

I think "After all this time" works better.

>Her roots
>were the color of her eyebrows, 

Her...'roots'? I don't think it means what you think it means, or else it's one use of the word I've never come across.

>Aoba was pinned by her look, paralyzed
>while he
>searched for breath.

Hmmm. I understand what you mean by this, but the sentence just doesn't seem to 'feel' right. Could just be my interpretation.

>range of audible
>noises. There was something definitely melodic about the
>noises,

"Noises" used twice in two sentences. Unless you haven't got a suitable alternate word, try not to use the same word (noun or verb) in the same sentence or in 2-3 sentences immediately after the first. Or, you could try to phrase it differently.

>Calloused fingertips flew across the keyboards,
>creating a counter
> harmony. Dr Akagi's tapping foot kept time.

Maybe it should be 'counter-harmony'? I can't be too sure of this being grammatically correct.

How about: "A set of calloused fingertips flew between two keyboards, creating its own contrary harmony as Dr Akagi's tapping foot kept time."

>His footsteps made little noise, but the 
>little echoed off the walls,
>bounced underneath the ceiling lights, 
>and traveled along the spaces
>between the ceiling tiles like flowing 
>through an aqueduct.

I think you should simplify this sentence a bit. 

In fact, you've got a lot of long sentences in this fic. Descriptive is good, but too much just loses touch with the reader. Two commas in a sentence should be the max (although I break that rule quite often, myself).

>the noise and bore it in dissected bits 
>along copper wires

I thought NERV would be wired with Fiber-Optic cable? But I digress (that's the techno-thriller pedantic in me talking). And from the looks of it, copper wire makes more sense story-wise.

>         "Well, you should. Maybe we need to take you
>clothes shopping.
>Buy some fancy shirts. And beer. Beer works wonders."

Shouldn't someone remind Misato that Shinji (Age 14) is underage for beer? Even if just humorously.

>the rim of hoarfrost that had begun to ring 
>the inside.

I had to look up dictionary.com to find out what hoarfrost was (I avoid beer--it makes me do certain things I will regret when I'm sober). It's not bad to use interesting words per se, but not everyone goes through a dictionary while reading.

> sheets. Smoke curled up above her and wafted into the
> temperature
> sensor, which shot a puff of cold air. On contact with the
> colder air
> the doctor's skin suddenly slicked over with sweat.
> That faded as the
> air warmed up.

...Ritsuko sweats when she's cold? Also, I don't get how a temperature sensor can 'shoot a puff of air". Maybe the sensor detects it, and the air conditioning system responds, but I don't think it's the sensor itself.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
<i>"They sicken of the calm who know the storm."</i>
-<b>Dorothy Parker</b>
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*


--- On Thu, 7/3/08, ffml-request at chez-vrolet.net <ffml-request at chez-vrolet.net> wrote:

> From: ffml-request at chez-vrolet.net <ffml-request at chez-vrolet.net>
> Subject: ffml Digest, Vol 13, Issue 2
> To: ffml at chez-vrolet.net
> Date: Thursday, July 3, 2008, 5:00 AM
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> Today's Topics:
> 
>    1. [C&C] Re: [fic][Dark Cloud] DARK CORONA: Days -1
> through 5
>       (Aaron Nowack)
>    2. Re: [C&C] Re: [fic][Dark Cloud] DARK CORONA: Days
> -1 through
>       5 (The Eternal Lost Lurker)
> 
> 
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> 
> Message: 1
> Date: Tue, 01 Jul 2008 22:33:00 -0500
> From: Aaron Nowack <anowack at mimiru.net>
> Subject: [FFML] [C&C] Re: [fic][Dark Cloud] DARK
> CORONA: Days -1
> 	through 5
> To: The Fanfiction Mailing List
> <ffml at chez-vrolet.net>
> Message-ID: <486AF6EC.6030705 at mimiru.net>
> Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1
> 
> Much belated, even only counting from my last belated
> C&C...
> 
> Usual disclaimers apply.
> 
> The Eternal Lost Lurker wrote:
> > 
> > (The formatting is going to look a little screwed up.
> Probably more screwed
> > up even than before I posted it, after Outlook and my
> mail server get
> > through with it. For that, I apologize. There's
> only so much I can expect
> > out of this software. -_-)
> 
> Noted.
> 
> > (And no, I haven't abandoned FitW or Moonshadow.)
> 
> Yay!
> 
> Well, actually, I still haven't gotten around to
> _reading_ FitW, but I
> believe it's safe to assume its non-abandonment is good
> news.  ;)
> 
> > [Day -1, Night]
> 
> If One Hundred Days taught me anything, it's that this
> formatting choice
> can lead to exceedingly long stories.  (Unless one
> "skips" days, I suppose.)
> 
> Not that there's anything _wrong_ with exceedingly long
> stories, of course.
> 
> > A sigh from the sole occupant of the supper table
> wafted the steam from the
> > serving dishes. The teenager rested his chin morosely
> on his folded arms,
> > gazing at the steaming joint of roast beef on the
> table as though expecting
> > to find some deep, profound answer to the mysteries of
> life in its dripping
> > juices.
> 
> He did find Jesus and a baker's dozen of saints, but
> they were more
> interesting in talking about pro football than the
> mysteries of life.
> 
> > The mayor of Norune emerged from the tent, followed by
> the Shaman of Dran,
> > the highest spiritual leader in the valley, and the
> priest from the mission,
> > a less recognised figure than the Shaman, but still
> highly respected; the
> > introduction of the coastal religion to Norune had
> been shaky, but with the
> > combined efforts of the great hero Toan and his
> trusted and wise comrade,
> > Ruby, the villagers had agreed to allow a standing
> mission in Norune, and
> > the traditional and modern faiths had learned to
> respect one another and
> > share a common flock.
> 
> Hrm.  I'd suggest splitting this into more sentences. 
> It's a fairly big
> chunk of text.
> 
> > "Now Brandt, remember...do not unsheathe Dark
> Cloud at any point during the
> > ceremony or festival. You're not to touch the
> sword until you're sequestered
> > in the Windmill. It's not an especially good idea
> to free the sword from its
> > slumber in the middle of a village full of
> innocents."
> 
> ...ominous.
> 
> > *Besides,* he told himself, *Mom says Atla are usually
> found in some kind of
> > dungeon or secluded, bounded area...a canyon is
> certainly bounded, and I do
> > see caves over there.*
> 
> This certainly isn't for game design reasons... :)
> 
> > He darted back as he felt a rush of air across his
> front. Briefly, he caught
> > a flash of a mining pick. Instinctively, he parried it
> with his sword, then
> > stabbed out, striking whatever had swung at him. A
> wet, gurgling squeal met
> > his thrust, and when he drew back his blade,
> glistening with blood, he
> > thrust his torch forward to illuminate the dead body
> of an oversized rat
> > with its tail tied around a mining pick. He blinked.
> "Ooooookay..."
> 
> ...okay indeed.
> 
> Then again, it beats trying to rationalize monsters that
> look like giant
> playing cards, as I kinda sorta tried to do in a Suikoden
> fanfic once
> upon a time...
> 
> > "Hey now, who the bleedin' hell're
> you?"
> > 
> > Brandt stood slowly, blinking. Before him stood a
> round wooden house, beside
> > which stood a tall, barrel-chested man with matted
> black hair and a bushy,
> > tangled black beard. He was dressed in canvas work
> pants, thick leather
> > boots, and a suede jerkin; his arms were crossed and
> he was glaring
> > menacingly at the teenager.
> > 
> > "Where th' hell is everybody?" the man
> rumbled, staring around wildly. "An'
> > what th' hell happened to th' town?"
> 
> Awkward.
> 
> > "Pick rat," Brandt replied, settling into a
> combat stance. "I killed one a
> > little while ago, the first time I came down
> here."
> > 
> > "Pick rat?"
> > 
> > "Well, it's a great big rat and it's
> carrying a mining pick. What else would
> > you call it?"
> > 
> > "I'd call it being drunk off me ass,"
> the miner replied gruffly. Brandt
> > chortled.
> 
> Hah.
> 
> > "Thanks." Blackstone bent to pick up the
> money. "Why would a bag o' bones
> > have money, anyway?"
> 
> Same reason that wolves carry full suits of plate armor!
> 
> 
> > "This is a Gate," Brandt replied, shaking
> his head. "Gates don't go away.
> > We've opened it, so we'll be able to go
> through it the next time we come
> > down here." At Blackstone's doubtful
> expression, the teen shrugged. "Like I
> > said, these places follow their own rules." He
> stretched. "Besides, I don't
> > know about you, but I'm getting a little
> tired."
> > 
> > The miner sighed. "Yeah, you're right.
> We'll come back in th' mornin'."
> 
> So, knowing nothing about the game, I'm guessing the
> dungeons are
> randomly generated each time you enter and the Gates are
> checkpoints?
> 
> Hmm.  Not too much to say in the general comments here;
> it's
> well-written (of course), and engages in some
> much-needed-for-me setting
> establishing.  The decision to stick as closely to game
> mechanics as it
> seems you are is a tad unusual (at least, for a mostly
> serious story of
> this quality) but it works fairly well thus far.
> 
> I didn't notice any formatting problems on my end,
> incidentally.
> 
> -- 
>            Aaron Nowack
> "Never let reality get in the way of a good
> hypothesis."
> http://www.mimiru.net/
> 
> 
> ------------------------------
> 
> Message: 2
> Date: Tue, 1 Jul 2008 23:11:26 -0600
> From: "The Eternal Lost Lurker"
> <lurkerdrome at sbcglobal.net>
> Subject: Re: [FFML] [C&C] Re: [fic][Dark Cloud] DARK
> CORONA: Days -1
> 	through	5
> To: "The Fanfiction Mailing List"
> <ffml at chez-vrolet.net>
> Message-ID:
> <000401c8dc02$18c88960$0100a8c0 at Lurkerdrome2>
> Content-Type: text/plain;	charset="iso-8859-1"
> 
> > > [Day -1, Night]
> >
> > If One Hundred Days taught me anything, it's that
> this formatting choice
> > can lead to exceedingly long stories.  (Unless one
> "skips" days, I
> suppose.)
> 
> Heh. Well, there's a reason it's this way. I'm
> following the way the games
> work, and the games keep a tab of how many days pass in
> your adventure, as
> well as the time of day (DC1 only uses
> "morning/afternoon/dusk/night"
> whereas DC2 has an actual clock, which runs at Sims speed).
> 
> > Hrm.  I'd suggest splitting this into more
> sentences.  It's a fairly big
> > chunk of text.
> 
> Noted.
> 
> > > *Besides,* he told himself, *Mom says Atla are
> usually found in some
> kind of
> > > dungeon or secluded, bounded area...a canyon is
> certainly bounded, and I
> do
> > > see caves over there.*
> >
> > This certainly isn't for game design reasons... :)
> 
> Oh, definitely not. :)
> 
> oversized rat
> > > with its tail tied around a mining pick. He
> blinked. "Ooooookay..."
> >
> > ...okay indeed.
> 
> The Pick Rats are based on a common enemy class in DC2. In
> the first
> dungeon, you encounter Sewer Rats, which are big rats with
> logs tied in
> their tails. In the fourth dungeon, you meet their stronger
> cousins, Beach
> Rats, who have...was it driftwood or surfboards? I forget.
> Then in the last
> dungeon, you run into Castle Eaters--rats with giant forks
> tied up in their
> tails. And then in the bonus dungeon, Death Mouse--a black
> rat with a
> scythe.
> 
> Yes, Level-5's monster designers are on something.
> 
> > Then again, it beats trying to rationalize monsters
> that look like giant
> > playing cards, as I kinda sorta tried to do in a
> Suikoden fanfic once
> > upon a time...
> 
> Funny you should mention playing card monsters...
> 
> > > "Where th' hell is everybody?" the
> man rumbled, staring around wildly.
> "An'
> > > what th' hell happened to th' town?"
> >
> > Awkward.
> 
> No kidding.
> 
> > > "Thanks." Blackstone bent to pick up
> the money. "Why would a bag o'
> bones
> > > have money, anyway?"
> >
> > Same reason that wolves carry full suits of plate
> armor!
> 
> *snrk*
> 
> > > The miner sighed. "Yeah, you're right.
> We'll come back in th' mornin'."
> >
> > So, knowing nothing about the game, I'm guessing
> the dungeons are
> > randomly generated each time you enter and the Gates
> are checkpoints?
> 
> Pretty much. You can replay any floor of any dungeon as
> many times as you
> want, and the layout will always change. One monster on
> each floor will
> carry a Key Item, and once you have the Key Item, you can
> open the gate to
> the next floor and proceed. You can choose to leave the
> dungeon when you
> open a Gate (usually a good idea for several reasons), and
> when you next
> return to the dungeon, you can continue onward at the next
> sequential floor.
> 
> > Hmm.  Not too much to say in the general comments
> here; it's
> > well-written (of course), and engages in some
> much-needed-for-me setting
> > establishing.  The decision to stick as closely to
> game mechanics as it
> > seems you are is a tad unusual (at least, for a mostly
> serious story of
> > this quality) but it works fairly well thus far.
> 
> Yeah, keeping it on track AND meshing the game mechanics is
> tricky, but it's
> important to my purposes with this. Besides, I've
> always wanted to poke fun
> at game mechanics in a video game fanfic...this seems as
> good a time as any.
> ;)
> 
> > I didn't notice any formatting problems on my end,
> incidentally.
> 
> That's a relief.
> 
> Incidentally, for those having a hard time picturing the
> sword, Dark Cloud:
> 
> http://www.lurkerdrome.com/gblog/dc2-darkcloud01.jpg
> http://www.lurkerdrome.com/gblog/dc2-darkcloud02.jpg
> 
> (Thanks to Jorge Pratt for screencapping this.)
> 
> Thanks for the C&C!
> 
> 
> 
> ------------------------------
> 
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> End of ffml Digest, Vol 13, Issue 2
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