[FFML] [Naruto][AU]Clients Lie 3-5 + 20 Lies Interlude

[Bastion]

Great to see more of this so soon. I said this last time, but I'll say it again, I'd rather have seen this turned into a manga than the original.  

Also, this Naruto is starting to remind me more and more of Hannibal Lector.  Except he isn't into munching on his enemies.  Or does he?  *brrrrr*  

Now for a few comments:

>Also, I have a sneaking suspicion that the formatting for this is
>going to be slightly unusual.  Hopefully, it'll still be readable.

As far as I could tell, the formatting looked good.

>	Hinata scrubbed lightly at her hands in the clear
>stream, picking carefully at her fingernails.  Anyone with
>good eyes might have seen how the water around her hands
>seemed to gel and thicken.

That's... interesting.  Are you implying what I think you're implying?  Especially with the way you suggestively ended the last chapter.

>	The leaf tugged his direction a fraction of an inch.
>Hinata smiled and nodded to an unseen question.  And, as if
>its journey had never been interrupted, the bit of leaf
>resumed its trip.

Okay, this is too subtle for me.  Care to explain?

>	"And the question is," Kakashi said thoughtfully, "is
>did he really almost forget and try to kill Sasuke, or did he
>just want to make me think that?"
>
>	"Think, probably," Hinata replied.
>
>	Kakashi looked at her.
>
>	She shrugged.  "I guess."

Heh.

>	And suddenly Naruto spun, pulling at the water with all
>his strength and all his chakra.  A suiton master could have
>used a jutsu, but Naruto didn't know any water techniques, so
>all he could do was make it stick to him, and itself, and
>pull.  It was heavy, but he was strong, and he pulled hard.
>
>	Like pulling a rug out from under someone, Sasuke
>suddenly found his footing unstable.  He didn't curse in
>surprise, but he did stumble, making two small splashes as he
>did so, furiously channeling chakra as he tried to regain his
>balance.

Very clever use of water surface tension.  That just made the chemical engineer in me giggle like a school girl.

>	Then I felt his weight shift, but not like he was
>moving.  He just… changed shape.  And suddenly, instead of a
>flat chest leaned against my back, there were two large, soft
>lumps being squished between us.
>
>	I'm ashamed to say it actually took me a moment to
>understand what he'd done.  I'm even more ashamed to admit
>that I blushed.
>
>	…Seems like he took the freaky route.
>
>	But okay, I can deal.  My blush faded.  So Naruto has
>breasts.  Big deal.  Hinata has breasts, too.  Perhaps
>infinitesimally smaller, but nicer because they're real.

Heh.  Who'd guessed Sasuke was a titman?  However in the other vein, I'm beginning to get this feeling that there's this freaky sexual tension building between Naruko and Sasuke.  The more I read this story the more I'm noticing a potential for Naruto to have some big time gender issues.

>	"You have nice tits," I replied neutrally.  Thought of
>that line right after Hinata gasped.
>
>	Sensei actually stumbled when I said that.  Hinata
>froze and fell back out of sight, so I don't know what she
>did.
>
>	I walked on.  I thought about shifting one hand and
>squeezing 'her' ass, but I doubt Naruto's surprise would be
>worth having to cut off my own hand.
>
>	"…Duly noted, Sasuke," Naruto said, with a note of
>something indefinable in her voice.  Admiration?  Respect?
>
>	Her hands snaked down my chest and traced my muscles as
>her breath suddenly grew loud in my ear, close enough to
>tickle the tiny hairs.  "Thank you.  A girl likes to know her
>assets are appreciated by the sexy man in the group."

Errr... read my note above...

>	"Was it something I said?" I asked.  Mentally, I ticked
>another check.  Me two, Naruto zero.
>
>	Oh, yeah.  I had Naruto's measure.

No, I don't think so.  BTW, interesting approach on switching from third to first person.  It works in a way.  Sorta like, reading a page from Sasuke's diary.  Wow that brought some images to my mind.  Ugh.

>	"SHIT!" he cried.  "KAGE BUSHIN NO JUTSU!" followed a
>split second later, and the new clone was still forming, not
>even able to raise its hands in self defense before Naruto's
>blade split its right eye on the journey to the brain, and
>for a second it lingered between forming and unforming, hate
>at it and hate at himself, chakra looping and twisting in
>upon itself.
>
>	Caught in the feedback loop, Naruto stiffened like he'd
>just cut a live wire.

Okay that was... disturbing.

>	"And a little advice to you," I replied.  "Never, ever,
>NEVER try that again."
>
>	Kakashi-sensei looked up from his book again.  "It kind
>of loses its sting when they're unconscious, you know."

Heh.  I love how this goes from extreme violence to well timed dark humor.

>	"Next time, I'm just going to kill you," Hinata said
>quietly, the fire gone from her voice.
>
>	 "There won't be a next time," I warned.
>
>	Kakashi picked that moment to stand, closing his book
>as he did so.  "Well then, so long as we all understand each
>other," he said brightly.

God damn Kakashi kicks so much ass.

>	"I'm sorry, Naruto-sama," she said meekly.  "Please
>punish me as you see fit."

God damn, Hinata is hot for Naruto.

BTW the next sequence between them... man that's so cryptic.  Especially with those clones.  Sometimes it feels like I'm reading interpretive dance.

>	Naruto sighed.  "What am I going to do with you?"
>
>	"Anything you want," was her prompt reply.

God damn, Naruto is one lucky some of a bitch!

>But we will not kill allies just because they are dicks.  
>It sets a bad precedent.

I'll say.  Words to live by.

>	Kakashi shook his head.  "Not necessarily.  Look at the
>tailed beasts, for instance, like the kyubi no kitsune.  It
>could use chakra very, very well, and I'm sure it never had
>training from any human."
>
>	"Ah.  Well." Naruto looked around.  "Tailed beasts,
>huh?"

Me thinks Kakashi is walking a very fine line with this.

>	"Where did you learn about tool marks in flesh?"
>
>	"I…"  Naruto opened his mouth, then closed it again and
>smiled.  It was not a nice smile.  "You know, that's a funny
>story.  It's directly related to why all this," he gestured
>around them, "is making me hungry.  I tell you what.  After
>we eat, if you still want to know, I'll tell you."

Okay maybe the Hannibal comparison was a little more capatible than I at first thought.

>She kept a black shirt on over her
>mesh, making Sasuke idly wonder if she was still wearing the
>chest wrap beneath.  She said nothing.

You're trying to say something here.  But what?  Hmmmm...


>	Sasuke was nonplussed.  Hinata, who, thus far had been
>little more than Naruto's personal, if rather pretty, shadow,
>claimed to have a demon of her own.  

Huh there you go again.


>	"He is my brother, Itachi," Sasuke whispered, his gaze
>far away, lost in the night and the years of his past.  "I
>will kill him because he killed our clan.  I will kill him
>because he killed our parents."  Abruptly his head swivled,
>focusing his gaze on Naruto.  "You speak as if you know what
>it's like to be tortured."
>
>	"I do," Naruto allowed.
>
>	"As do I," Hinata replied warily.

Hmmm the angst is strong in this one...


>He rose, put his arm around Hinata,
>and squeezed her close.  Uncharacteristically, she didn't
>melt into him, chosing instead to remain stiff and aloof,
>just, now, she was under his arm.

Why she being aloof all of the sudden?  Every other time Naruto even touches her she swoons.

>	"Good night, Sasuke," Hinata whispered, not raising her
>head from Naruto's side.  "Just remember, you don't have to
>be alone."

Ya know that sounded more like an open invitation to a threesome than an offer of alliance in battle.  That or maybe I need to lay off the doujin.  ... Definitely need to lay off on the doujin.

>
>5.  Kakashi read porn because it was a tiny slice of a life he could
>never have for himself.  A
>life where people were shallow, concerned largely with their own
>pleasure, where men
>met women and women met women and sometimes where men met several women
>and fell in love and had a few minor squabbles but nothing that
>couldn't be fixed with a
>good solid chapter of kinky sex and everyone smelled good and no one
>had been raped or
>stabbed in the chest with a kunai or watched a comrade get crushed by
>an avalanche of
>chakra infused rock right before their eyes- or in short, a world
>where nothing really
>mattered, people just thought it did, and a smart, strong, skilled
>person would be free to
>just be himself for once in his life.  Kakashi sometimes had to stop
>reading because his one
>visible eye would be clouded in tears and his fingers would be slowly
>tightening on the
>pages and his heart ached, because he was a smart, strong, skilled
>person in a world
>where things really did matter yet it seemed like almost everyone
>around him was an idiot
>and thought nothing did.  Like so many other people, Kakashi wanted
>something he could
>never have.
>Kakashi to a scadalized, but cute, village girl.

Heh.  Interesting.

>11.  There was only one person on Team Gai who didn't wear thong
>underwear.  Gai wore
>thongs.  Panty lines under skin tight spandex?  That is so not keeping
>in with the spirit of
>youth.  Lee wore thongs.  He dressed exactly like Gai, and agreed with
>him.  A smoothly
>profiled ass was indeed best to show off your youthful fire.  Neji
>wore thongs, really,
>traditional twisted undyed cloth underwear.  He was Hyuga.  They were
>big on tradition.
>Tenten wore thongs.  She was a beautiful young woman surrounded by cute males
>saturated in testosterone.  She liked feeling sexy, and there's
>nothing like a strip of silk
>right in the crack of your ass to make you feel attractive.  Every
>single person on Team Gai
>claimed to wear thong underwear.  One of them was lying and too
>ashamed to admit it.
>Gai to Kakashi.

O_O

>17.  Anko and Kurenai slept together once.  Or, more specifically,
>Anko, Kurenai, and
>Asuma had slept together once.  It was a lengthy class A mission,
>requiring Kurenai's
>genjutsu talents, Asuma's skill at close quarters, and Anko's
>specialty, a ruthless, brutal
>killing spree.  It had also involved a three day stay at a seedy inn
>in southern Fire, waiting
>on a contact to drop off vital information.  Sake was involved.
>Kurenai woke up with a
>funny taste in her mouth and an unexpected hand cupping her breast.
>Anko woke up
>with a snakebite on her hand and a serious need of a shower.  Asuma
>didn't wake up until
>the next day.
>Anko to Asuma.

I guess Asuma was glad he went on that mission.


>To judge by the list, Naruto lies a lot. Some characters lie because
>they want something.
>Some characters lie to themselves. Some characters get lied to cause
>they're easy marks.
>Some characters lie to influence others. Some characters lie because
>it's funny. But the
>point is, everybody lies sometimes.
>
>Hey, people lie.

God damn, this story kicks ass.  Well so far at least.  Heh.  

Anyway, as far as anything critical to say... well, it does get a bit sluggish considering how much was done prior and I'm not sure what you're leading up to.  I know that you're trying to create some character development between everyone but at the same time I'm wondering what you're building up to.  People Lie had a definite drive to it, while this is either aiming for a much more ambitious storyline or it's meandering until you figure out where to go.  Either way I enjoy some of the cryptic actions of some of the characters (though it drives me up the wall sometimes) as well as keeping a rather morbid and somber tone throughout the entire story.  It's more noir than it is emo like the original is.

And again, Naruto is one creepy motherfucker if I may put it bluntly.

Bastion