[FFML] [Ranma/MKR] Fire in the Water, act one (draft complete)

[The Eternal Lost Lurker]

> Hey! Ho! Let's go!
>
> :P

*snrk*

> > Gritting his teeth, he strode down the trail, unmindful of the blinding
> > fog.
> > The mist began to part, and a spectacle from hell unfolded before him.
>
> An all-you-can eat buffet... cooked by Akane.

The horror! It's...oh god, I'm blind just thinking about it!

> Also, even though it's a few paragraphs apart, I'd suggest changing this
> "Her tormentor" because there's a previous paragraph (quoted above) that
> starts with the same subject.

Hmm. That's a good point.

> > Magic Knight RayEarth property of CLAMP, Kodansha, Media Blasters.
>
> Question: should the E be capitalized? You left it in lowercase just
above.

...I'm not even sure how that GOT that way @_@;; Good catch!

> I'm not sure I agree with the verb tense in "soon emitting." Maybe an "and
> soon emitted"?

Nah, it works like it is.

> Ranma: It IS symbolic, I know it! Oh, I'll think about it after I mooch
off
> some food from the corner store. They always give me free stuff when I go
as
> a girl.

*snrk*

> > "With soda! Sticky soda! Water's one thing, but..."
> >
> > "And did you HAVE to kancho that poor kid?"
> >
> > "HE HAD IT COMIN'!"
>
> And Ranma has slimmer and sharper fingers as female! XO

Very OUCH!

> > Ranma suddenly tensed up as a pair of strong arms encircled her from
> > behind,
> > hands clamping firmly on a very personal area.
>
> o_O Kuno's skipping straight to second and third base in one swift move.

Absolutely no subtlety or tact, that one.

> > Akane stared in worry at the redhead, who was struggling to break
> > free--and
> > should be able to do so easily. Yet her eyes had glazed over, and she
was
> > standing there screaming her head off.
>
> "and should have been able", maybe?

Hmm. Probably, yeah.

> > sure to give him a stern, disappointed look, and he didn't think he
could
> > stomach that.
>
> Least of all, he didn't think he could stomach the ceremonial dagger if
she
> thought of the episode as "unmanly."

Gaaaaah. That pun hurt worse than the mental image. :P

> > got on his nerves. He was a man, dammit! This kind of thing didn't
happen
> > to
> > men!
> >
> > ...right?
>
> "Only women have psychotic episodes!" thought the teen whose mind turns
into
> a cat's with startling regularity.

Heh!

> > Ranma grumbled as she adjusted the embarassingly short, tight bloomers
> > she'd
> > been forced into wearing. "This bites," she groused.
>
> Punnilicious!

And completely unintended @_@

> > as he angled in towards his preferred target. "Ranma-chan! How lovely
you
> > look in that outfit! Here I cooooome!"
>
> Augh! TMI! XO

Yeah, really @_@

> > and a look of pure, unbridled fury wrote itself across her features.
>
> Hm, somehow, the two concepts merged in my mind and I visualized the
onrush
> of blood _also_ flooding her eyes to turn them red. Eerie.

o.o;;

> > *Ranma...please be okay...PLEASE...*
>
> "I don't know WHERE to go and I just saw you burn to LESS than ashes but
I'm
> still going to find you anyway!"

Takahashi logic.

> > "So full of energy, so innocent...she seemed younger than she was,
> > really."
>
> Amusing that they're still fixating on that :P

It's a VERY dominant trait ^_^

> > "I should've cut that bastard's balls off."
> >
> > "Umi-san!"
>
> "You shouldn't be so rude! Call him bastard-san, next time."

*snrk*

> Errant linebreak at "an' it was."

Those weird linebreaks are something my mail client is causing. They don't
exist in the original  document. And, fortunately, they also won't exist in
the HTML version when I can be bothered to upload one,

> > Kasumi's head popped around the corner. "Ranma-kun, I've been holding
> > everyone off the furo so it'd be ready for you when you got home..."
>
> *sees Kasumi's headless body stand, arms akimbo, guarding the bathroom
door*

*dies at the mental image*

> > Akane sniffled. "I...I hope you're right, Ranma."
>
> "But I'll remind you that 'the last one' had me turning into a dehydrated
> doll, and I already WAS a doll a few weeks earlier when that cursed one
from
> the inn possessed me!"

Akane has shit luck with dolls.

> > "Th-that face...that isn't m...I don't understand..."
>
> At least "he" is focusing on the face, and not... elsewhere. o_O

Yeah, really.

> > "Ranma," Kasumi began, silencing Akane, "what's the last thing you
> > remember
> > doing?"
>
> Either Kasumi forgot her suffix there, or it's a deliberate omission to
> underscore her tone.

The latter.

> > The bell over the door jingled. Shampoo turned to greet the first
> > customers
> > of the day. "Welcome to--Airen!"
>
> Nabiki: Fat chance. No one is welcome to him unless they pay the handler
> fees first.

*snrk*

> > The bell over the door chimed again, interruping her. Shampoo glanced
over
> > at the door, and frowned. "Deliveries in rear!"
>
> Noooo, that's what you use to defeat the owner in savage combat...

Thanks for not making the OTHER joke about this line :P

> > Cologne frowned, but did not press for clarification. Instead, she
removed
> > a
> > small golden talisman from within her robes, pressing it into a
depression
> > on the box. "And since this dream, your cursed form has been causing
> > problems?"
>
> o_O Was the seal the work of the Guide, or the Amazons?

Amazons. I figure the Amazon elders have something they use to seal
boxes/scrolls against non-Amazon elder eyes, much as European nobles had wax
seals...only this'd be the Chinese magic version of that.

> > "Everyone look out!" Akane cried. "The last time this happened, he
torched
> > the sports field at school!"
>
> Cologne: Then get him out of my restaurant! My insurance has stopped
> covering Acts of Ranma!

XD

> > Less than two seconds later, the Nekohanten was empty.
>
> Three seconds later, though, two people were heard:
>
> "'Umi-chan'? 'Fuu-chan'? Dear, is this anything like that terrible
business
> with Ukyou?"
>
> "I've never heard about these ones, I swear!"

*DIES*

> > Umi. Fuu.
>
> Sora. Donald. Goofy.

*thwap*

> > "Do you think she'll be able to stop him?" Kasumi asked.
>
> "That, or the entire town will join in and start chasing him. This is not
> the first time he's pulled a runner."

How very true.

> > "Ranchan! Stop runnin', sugar! Ya gotta stop!"
>
> But Love Seeker Can't Stop It!

AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH

> > "Hai!" Shampoo plucked a glass of water off an empty table and threw it
in
> > Genma's face.
>
> Heh! Figures she's smart enough to douse someone _else_ to demonstrate. :P

More to the point, who in their right mind is going to douse THEMSELVES,
especially when they have an animal curse? :P

(Other than Tarou, I mean.)

> > Soun wordlessly handed over the newspaper he had taken refuge behind
> > during
> > much of the exchange.
>
> XD
>
> "I'm not here. This doesn't concern me. Oh, look, the Tigers won last
> night."

Typical Soun.

> "Fuu, I think I see dead people."
>
> "I think I do too, Umi-san."
>
> "Oh, good, I was getting worried I was the only one getting all wigged
out."
>
> "Now, Umi-san, maybe we really are seeing Hikaru-san's ghost-san. Let's go
> say hello, at least."

Heh!

> > "Alright," Akane said quietly. "If you want to see your friends, then
> > we'll
> > go see your friends. Where do they live?"
>
> And Hikaru's Conquering Will conquered these people too. She'd be
dangerous
> with a Green Lantern ring.

....that's a scary thought.

> ...though I have a sudden mental image of Hikaru sneaking off at night to
> feed Hikari.

Heh!

> > "So you study kendo, huh?" Akane asked as they sat around, playing Old
> > Maid
> > and nibbling on snacks.
>
> Ukyou: Wow, sorry to tell you this, sugar, but you suck at cards just as
bad
> as Ran-chan.

*snrk*

> > "Nah, I doubt..." Akane paused. "On second thought, you're probably
> > right."
> >
> > "Eh? What're you two talking about?"
>
> I wouldn't put it past Genma to somehow betroth Ranma to himself.

No kidding.

> > "Nope. Ranma's changed form right in FRONT of him several times and he
> > STILL
> > doesn't get it. He's completely clueless."
>
> "...and this new development isn't going to help matters one bit."

No kidding.

> > Hikaru sat motionless, thinking. "Wait," she said slowly. "I
> > remember...the
> > first time I...woke up...somebody GRABBED me from behind. Squeezed
> > my...you
> > know." Her face flamed as crimson as her hair.
>
> "My... biggerthanIremember you know... That's weird."

XD

> And I wonder if she's flaming crimson from embarrassment or fury. You
know,
> all things considered.

Probably both.

> > Finally, at dinner Saturday, Akane voiced her chief concern. "I wish we
> > knew
> > Ranma is still...you know."
>
> Well, after several days of this, I figure it's time for _someone_ to
> remember him :P

Nothing says this is the first time it came up. It's just the first time it
came up on-screen. :P

> > Hikaru-chan, and my son. And we're going to help both of them."
> >
> > "Well said," Soun commented.
>
> And then he stood up and left, having fulfilled his contractual obligation
> to appear in this episode.

Heh!

> > Hikaru swallowed heavily. "Yes, ma'am." She smiled hesitantly. "Thank
> > you."
> >
> > "Think nothing of it, dear."
>
> Hmm. I do wonder how her previous relationship with "Ranko" will affect
her
> current one with Hikaru.

I imagine Hikaru is a "surrogate Ranko" to her...

> "Really, I mean it, you don't all have to come with!"
>
> "You said they're good with swords and one of them's an archer. Trust me,
> with our group, that pretty much guarantees a fight. Usually with
> 'Anything-Goes Martial Arts' in the title."

Yepyep.

> Kasumi: Really, Nabiki, I don't think a book on "Ghost Photography" is all
> that adequate right now.
>
> Nabiki: Hey, I gotta keep the business running somehow.

*facefault*

> > "So have you thought about what you're gonna say to those gals when you
> > *find* 'em, Hicchan?" Ukyou asked.
>
> Heh! I like that.

^_^

> > shrieked in surprise and panic, jumping backwards and skidding into a
> > crouch. "What the--?"
>
> "Kaitou Kid? What'd I ever do to you!?"

*snort*

As she said the
> > last,
> > she jumped clear of several thrown daggers, a small storm of shuriken,
and
> > a
> > bedpan.
>
> Hopefully, an empty bedpan. The innocent bystanders are not amused.

Really. X_X

> > Akane clutched her hands before her mouth in horror. "Oh my god, she's
> > going
> > to get killed!
>
> Hikaru: ....
>
> Akane: Er, again!

>.<

> Oh, and there are a few instances where the "g" in "Oh my god" is
> capitalized.

Hmm. I'll poke through.

> > hands. The redhead's eyes snapped with anger as she pressed against
> > Mousse's
> > attack. With a *shhhhnk!* of sliding metal, the Chinese boy's swords
were
> > deflected.
>
> Oooh, Cephiran magic works on Earth, then. Beyond the random manifestation
> on Hikaru's glove, I mean.

Well, it works for Hikaru. She never got "de-spelled".

> > Mousse had little time to react as streaks of flame leapt from the
> > redhead's
> > fingertips, engulfing him and setting his robes ablaze.
>
> Um, OW. That usually chars foes to a crisp @_@

It usually chars *random monsters* to a crisp. The NWC are significantly
tougher than random monsters. :P

> > "Ryouga?!"
> >
> > "Oh great, the other jackass shows up," Ukyou muttered.
>
> It's a regular MTV feature!

*snrk*

> > "He'll be fine. He spends most of his life wandering around Japan trying
> > to
> > find wherever he wants to be. I doubt even getting HIT by a train would
> > stop
> > him for long," Akane shook her head. "Anyway, let's get going."
>
> Heh! I like how she felt the need to add "...for long" there. She's
> altogether too glib about it, though.

Well, after all...she's one of the ones who's known Ryouga the longest out
of the Nerima crew.

> > "Sugar, ain't much I don't believe anymore," Ukyou said with a chuckle.
>
> *shrug* I think, at this point, she could have said simply "It's magic,"
and
> no one would have batted an eye. They've seen much more impressive magic
> elsewhere already.

True, but this works better for my purposes :)

> > By comparison, Hikaru felt a bit silly wearing what she had been told
were
> > Ranma's usual clothes.
>
> Aww, Hikaru misses being the clothes-horse that CLAMP depicted her as. :(

Redheaded fashion plate!

> > "Umi-san? Do you see...?" Fuu's eyes were as wide as saucers behind her
> > round glasses.
> >
> > "It...it's not possible," Umi said shakily. "It can't be...!"
>
> Marty: "You're so... you're so... (choke) ...big!"

*thwap* That was a little TOO random.

> > Akane raised an eyebrow. "I think we're about to finally get the rest of
> > the
> > story, the stuff Hikaru's been hiding from us," she said.
>
> Er, I'd expect Ukyou and Akane, but specially Akane (definitely not
Shampoo,
> though) to be a bit awkward and hesitant when approaching the Trio,
> considering what they've just seen them go through just now. Actually, I
can
> see them standing around nervously until Hikaru herself realized it was
time
> to move on.

Yeah, but they've also got a reason to move this thing along, don't forget
:)

> D'oh, I lost track of their ages somehow. U&F are 14, the others 16,
right?

16 or 17, yeah.

> > Ryouga shot her an irritated and somewhat hurt look. "Give me SOME
credit.
> > I
> > knew where you were headed--it's kind of hard to MISS Tokyo Tower, you
> > know?"
>
> It's kinda hard to miss PHOENIX PEAK when you're at its foot and yet you
> somehow ended up in MOSCOW :P

Ryouga's lucky today.

> > "Umi-san," Fuu said, her glasses momentarily white with reflected light,
> > "We
> > *have* seen some very strange things."
>
> And Fuu just got scary all of a sudden. *_*

Fuu is ALWAYS scary.

> Heh! I know she made a fist for "Ranma" saying "Shampoo-chan," but the
idea
> that "See Ranma=Punch!" is a conditioned reflex in Akane is too good to
pass
> up.

Heh.

> @_@
>
> All things considered, though, I'd revise a bit of Hikaru's vocab. While
not
> as rough as Ranma's, she's still a 14/16 year-old with stunted ninth-grade
> education who traipsed around the Chinese countryside for a long time.

Hmm. Yeah, an edit probably would do well there. I'll tweak it.

> > "I...I don't know how much more of this I can take," Umi said shakily.
> >
> > "Welcome to my world," Hikaru sighed.
>
> Agh, isn't that uncharacteristically flippant of her?

A little bit of Ranma leaking through maybe?

To their credit,
> > the two younger girls took it remarkably well.
>
> "I'm going to throw up."

Spot the T2 reference, win a biscuit?

> > "Sounds like something out of a video game," Akane remarked.
> >
> > "It rather does, does it not?" Fuu smiled sadly.
>
> OUCH, Akane. OUCH. (Especially since it's Fuu who admits it.)

heh.

> > A massive, imposing figure in heavy black armor appeared suddenly in the
> > three girls' path, wreathed in a corona of dark energy.
>
> o_O That was SUDDEN.
>
> No, er, really. A wee bit of context could help ^^;; Just a "The girls
were
> taking a breather to get their bearings in the strange world when...", or
> something to that effect, would suffice.

Well, it was meant to be sudden and violent. But maybe I'll add some context
back in, I dunno.

> > Heavy-hearted and road-weary, the two girls with weak magic and
unevolved
> > armor reached their final destination, the castle in which the Pillar of
> > Cephiro awaited them.
>
> Fuu: So... this is what a Low-Level Challenge feels like when you're the
RPG
> character...
>
> Umi: ..........

Ouch.

> > potential to become Magic Knights--strong-willed warriors who can
overcome
> > the hazards of the decaying Cephiro to kill the Pillar."
>
> IOW, the MKs are indentured assassins.

Yep.

> > "You..." she whispered harshly. "For this, Hikaru...Hikaru died. Presea
> > died. Clef...Ascot...Caldina...everyone who has suffered from this
> > pointless
> > war..."
>
> Caldina? O_o Caldina came after Selece, and after Ascot. Way after. Did
the
> Trio still get to face her, or did U&F run into her afterwards, and then
> fight back in self-defense? Because lumping her and Ascot with Hikaru,
> Presea, and turned-to-stone Clef implies _things_...

Well, just assume they did encounter Caldina, and the encounter went more or
less the same way, but that was pretty much the last of Zagato's minions
they had to face.

....and I just realized something.

.....AAAAARGH I cannot BELIEVE...ah well, I can clear that up in act three.
>.>

> > "She's failed the hell out of it," Umi snapped. "She's failed everyone
and
> > everything, by being too fucking stupid to be allowed to live." She
turned
> > and walked away from the pair. "But death is what she wants, and I have
> > absolutely no desire to give this little bitch what she wants. Do you
hear
> > me? If you want to die so bad, kill your own self. But as for me, as for
> > Fuu..." She turned sharply, eyes fierce and glaring like an angry
dragon.
> > "SEND US HOME! RIGHT NOW!"
>
> That's actually all too appropriate even for the canon story --which had
an
> adventurous attitude throughout, but people STILL died and the survivors
> STILL suffered dearly because of her.

Yep. I honestly HATE Emeraude, and I will freely admit to letting a bit of
that bleed into my treatment of her in this story.

> > "Why...why didn't Clef tell us?" Hikaru asked. "Why did he lie?"
>
> "And why do I have the sudden urge to grab Akane-chan's hammer and drag
Clef
> to a quarry?"

Heh!

> "I don't think he's still turned to stone, Hikaru-san."

*SNRK*

> "Who said anything about that?"

OUCH! XD

> > "Perhaps a change of topic is in order," Fuu said quietly. "I, for one,
am
> > curious as to why Hikaru-san did not die when struck by Zagato-san's
> > spell."
>
> Oh, yes, good idea. This should cheer everyone up.

One good rape deserves another?

> > "You don't need to say it!" Akane said hastily.
> >
> > "No, I..." Hikaru faltered. "They beat me, and they...abused me."
>
> The precursors of the Musk weren't exactly the most civilized of cultures
>  >_<

Hell, the CURRENT Musk aren't.

> Herb: *shudder*
>
> Lime: What is it, Master?
>
> Herb: There is an expression, to feel as if someone had "walked over your
> grave."
>
> Lime: Did you feel that, Master Herb?
>
> Herb: I felt a conga line dancing back and forth over it.

Heh!

> > passing by had attempted to ask what was wrong or offer help, but were
> > deterred by the hostile glares of Shampoo, Ukyou, and Ryouga.
>
> Shampoo: You man. You die now.
>
> Ukyou: I'm with you, sugar, but could you stop saying that to every guy
who
> walks by?

Heh!

> > "This whole goddamn thing is that bitch princess' fault," Umi snarled.
"I
> > want to go back there one more time and slap her again, a lot harder."
>
> I'm surprised that the wielder of Water Magic in this Trio would settle
for
> a slap, rather than a karmic drowning.

Umi is the queen of the bitchslap.

> "Now, Clef... HE knew everything from the start. I can hate him just
fine."
>
> "And Mokona?"
>
> "Still undecided."

"Puuuuuuu...."

> > The partly overcast, dull blue-grey sky suddenly became blindingly white
> > and
> > painfully bright. Everyone looked up in shock.
>
> Whoa, she wished for it and now it happens. You'd think she's the Pillar
or
> something.

Or something.

> > The eyes of the three Magic Knights widened. "Uso..." Umi hissed.
"It's--"
>
> It's the chapter break! Ruuunnn!

XD

> All in all, I think it's a definite improvement over the O:RS version,
> especially with how Ranma and Hikaru have a bigger problem than just
> switching back and forth with cold water. Otherwise, there's little else I
> haven't mentioned over AIM; I still hold to the stylistic rule of
paragraphs
> and all, but we've been over that already :P

Heh.

> Here's waiting for the next part!*
>
> (* On preview form! Yayz!)

Hee. Glad you enjoyed it, and thanks for the C&C. :)

================================
"Sheik Protein? He's a mean ol' ass, Cid."
              ~~*~~
The Eternal Lost Lurker
www.lurkerdrome.com