[FFML] [C&C] [fanfic][Ranma/MKR] Fire in the Water, Act 2

[S. 'Zoogz' Jamison]

  Hey again Lurker!

  Y'know, if you can crank out one chapter per tempban, I think I may 
ask the mods to throw you another one  :)  I'm going to be commenting
on and off about this throughout the day, due to other obligations, so
my apologies if any of the below points get covered in the course of 
others' C&C.

  I've got to tell you, most of my issues really can be categorized as 
nitpicks, and can probably be disregarded if you care to.  This is 
because this is a good story that I'm not able to find many major
issues with.

  Same usual caveat about Yahoo's crappy formatting too.

--- The Eternal Lost Lurker <lurkerdrome at sbcglobal.net> wrote:

> "What's the latest news from our patrols?"
> 
> "Not good.

"We captured their stunt doubles."


> "Perhaps...perhaps this is our punishment for what we did to those
> girls..."
> 
> *Umi. Fuu. Hikaru. I'm...sorry.*
> 

  Ordinarily, I may complain about the vagueness of the introduction, 
but actually it worked to your benefit for two reasons... one, it was 
short, so we weren't lost for too long, and two, it continues the tone 
set from the end of the previous chapter where the principle characters

had something unspecified happen.

  (In my opinion, the shortness aspect can't be overstressed here.  I'm

not crazy about reading fiction where I don't know what's going on.  If

I wanted to do a puzzle, I'd find a crossword book.)


> "It fish. It too too big fish. It flying."

  Is there a bowl of petunias nearby?

 
> Umi gasped. "No...NO!"

  Suggest comma here, especially considering the structure of the 
quotation.


> Fuu frowned. "This place."
> 
> Hikaru stared at the distant floating island in shock, eyes wide with
> horror. "We're...we're in Cephiro."

  Damn... not Cloud City?

 
> Hikaru gasped. "Look!" She pointed a trembling finger at something
> wavering
> in the air in front of her. It was faint, distorted, but becoming
> clearer by
> the moment.
> 
> Akane's heart nearly stopped.
> 
> It was Ranma.

  Shouldn't he be terrorizing Simba?

> 
> * * * * * * *
> 
> An agonizingly long time had passed in a vacuum for Saotome Ranma.
> 
> Aware of the passage of time if not its measure, Ranma's last
> coherent memory was of speaking to Cologne. Then, he had faded into a
> grey haze of partial awareness. Cut off from his senses, with no idea
> what was going on, he tried everything he could think of to break
> free, to wake up, to...whatever one did when one was in this
> situation.

  The dangers of legalized marijuana.  :)

 
> And then, after a maddening eternity of limbo, his senses slowly
> started to return. The very first thing he was aware of was Akane,
and
> a sense that she was in danger. He began calling her name, the world
> around him becoming clearer, his senses sharper as he focused all his
> willpower into the simple task of calling out to her.

  I enjoyed reading the details of Ranma's return, actually.  Between 
the above explanation as well as the elucidation of the plot points 
below, I feel that some thought was put into this plotpoint, that it 
wasn't contrived, and as a result I'm willing to suspend belief more
for the narration.

  I wish that other stories would attempt to address their plot points 
in such a method too.  Seeing "Ranma popped back as a ghost" without
too much regard as to how it happened would at least put me on edge, if
not make me want to riff the whole darned thing.

 
> "You are not a ghost, Saotome-san," one of the unfamiliar girls--the
> one with glasses--said. "We have witnessed this phenomenon before, in
> this land." She assumed a lecturing posture. "Within this world,
> Cephiro, everything relies on the strength of will. Exceptionally
> strong-willed persons are capable of performing amazing feats. We
have
> seen such a person, whose body was turned to stone by dark magic,
> communicate by sheer willpower over a great distance. That projection
> was similar to what we are seeing now."
> 
> "Oh, that's right, Clef did this trick," Umi said, nodding
> thoughtfully. "Yeah, from what you told us about this Ranma, that
> makes sense."

  This is the other explanation referred to above.  As mentioned in the

previous C&C session, my MKR knowledge is extremely limited... the best

I can do at this second is trust what you said above and believe it 
happened in the anime.  However, having this explanation helps me to 
believe the stranger parts above (of Ranma's "spiritual awakening") and

makes me feel that the narration will help me through the more 
unbelievable spots.  Thanks for the attention to detail.

 
> "Clef-san," Fuu said in a calmer, but by no means friendly tone,
> "Surely you can appreciate that after the events which transpired on
> our last visit to Cephiro, we are less than pleased to find ourselves
> in this place once more."

  She's definitely got a long-winded way to show disapproval.  (Not to 
mention, that's pretty eloquent on short notice... she must've been 
formulating it on the 4:15 eastbound fish.)

 
> "I already explained, no such summons was sent by anyone he--" He
> paused. "Why is there a projection spell following you, Hikaru?"

  Fuu preemptively set it up for her Powerpoint presentation.

 
> "Also, your appearance has changed considerably," Clef noted,
> studying Hikaru.

  <Hikaru> I'm Hikaru Shidou, sorry about this.


> Clef sighed. "Again, this is not possible, for the only one who
> possesses that power is Emeraude, and..." He paused. "Perhaps it is
> best you follow me. There seem to be a great many things to discuss."

  <Clef> Have you ever thought about the benefits of a time-share?

 
> Zagato." He sighed. "However, the time of peace was not to last."
> 
> "What happened?" Hikaru asked, genuinely concerned.

  China patterns.

 
> "That will come later. First, I would hear of what has transpired
> since you were last here."
> 
> * * * * * * *
> 
> Clef led the group into a large hall within the palace, where they
> were promptly served tea by palace maids. Once the servants withdrew,
> Clef gestured for the Magic Knights and their entourage to speak; the
> next hour was spent explaining the entire situation (including a
> summation of the Magic Knights' first journey to Cephiro for Ranma's
> benefit), Hikaru's fate at Jusenkyo, and the current predicament.

  The best example of telling being better than showing.  Yet another 
aspect I've seen more than once is hearing the plot outline over and 
over... when it only needs to be said once.

 
> Once everything was explained, Ranma felt incredibly uneasy, and Clef
> looked extremely concerned. "Hikaru," he began hoarsely, "There is no
> possible way I can make amends for all you have endured. Please allow
> me to say that, for all it is worth, I am truly sorry that the
> troubles of this world destroyed your life so utterly.

  Minor nitpick: it wasn't immediately clear who was speaking, as two 
antecedents were introduced in the preceding sentence.  I know that 
you've already established a speaking style for Ranma, but I'd still 
rather not see the narration get sloppy over grammatical issues.


> "It began with a number of crops in one farming village dying
> mysteriously.

  Dammit, I knew my crappy game of "Harvest Moon" was to blame here.


> "During the third week, Princess Emeraude fell into a death-like
> sleep.

  Otherwise known as a "coma"?  (Yeah, I suppose it's more descriptive
this way, but it seems weird that Clef hasn't had too many other issues
with the English language.)


> "That is not within my power," a voice spoke from the doorway.
> 
> Umi and Fuu turned, eyes wide. "Zagato!"
> 
> * * * * * * *

  Sorry, just had to say that I liked the emphasis that the scene 
changed provided here, despite the fact that the scene didn't change 
very much.  :)

 
> "You've got a hell of a lot to answer for, pal!" Ukyou cried,
> marching across the room and grabbing the priest by the front of his
> robes. "You got any idea what kinda hell you put Hicchan through?"
> 
> "Ucchan! It's...not worth it, really." Hikaru looked at Zagato
> sympathetically. "What he did, he had...his own reasons for, and they
> were not..."

  Just a word saying that it's kind of weird.... while I can accept 
Ukyou being friendly enough to refer to Hikaru as "Hicchan" by now, it 
just seems like it would add confusion to refer to Hikaru as such to
other people.  I always thought Ukyou did that to Ranma just to show
everyone else that since she had a nickname for him, she had a claim on
him... not sure she'd do that with Hikaru.

  (Besides, has Ukyou had the time to get used to addressing her as 
"Hicchan" so exclusively that it's already habit?)  

 
> "Emeraude was responsible for your removal from Cephiro, not I."
> Zagato bowed his head. "She sensed what I was about to do, and prayed
> for you to return to your own world. However, because of her state of
> mind at the time, and the desperation with which she made that
> wish...she was not convinced it had worked."

  Another loose end tied up, wishing to register thanks.

 
> Clef's expression softened. "How is she?"
> 
> "No change," Zagato replied with a sigh. "The healers bade me leave
> so they could dress the lesions. I...did not protest." He looked
> suddenly pale. "I cannot bear to see such terrible things."
>
> At the questioning looks of the teens, Clef explained, "Since
> Princess Emeraude fell ill, as the land has begun to rot...so has
> she." He sighed deeply. "Parts of her body are dying and turning..."
> He shook his head. "It's best not to dwell on it."

  Can't we possibly have a differential diagnosis here?  Lupus?  :)

 
> Clef stormed into the seldom-used room of imprisonment deep within
> the palace, Zagato hot on his heels. The priest's eyes were full of
> anger and loathing.

  I'm really nitpicky, but on the other hand it's been all this
training doing MSTings... :)  Anyway, I feel the word choice is a bit
off... anger is more of an emotion and connotates activity barely
contained, whereas loathing isn't quite as emotionally charged, it can
be passively accomplished.  Besides, there's not really a specific
target to loathe yet, just some indeterminate thing in the basement. 
(Unless Clef really hates that guard.)

  Besides, how angry can Clef be if he's using the passive voice?  :)


> "He was caught by a woodsman in the orchards of Corsica," the guard
> leading them said. "He was pouring something into the river.

  Strawberry Quik?


> "Poisoning the water supply," Clef said, shaking his head. "A
> deliberate act...unthinkable."

  Very Kefka-esque.

 
> master. As to why..." He grinned toothily. "The master has spread
> word of the disease that is the indolence of this world. 'A world
> where the will rules all'...feh! The master has shown me the truth.
> This world is controlled by those who have the most powerful magic.
> There is no concept of equality in this backwards society. Look at
> this palace! Why should the few in power live in such grandeur, while
> we, the common folk, toil in squalor? Where is the equality? Where is
> the balance? Where is the justice?"

  Why do I get the feeling that Cephiro will soon become an anarcho-
syndicalist commune?  :)


> "This is pointless," Clef said, turning and marching from the room.
> Zagato cast one last withering look at the prisoner, scowling darkly.

  "Withering", a far better adjective.  I like the descriptions here.


> Clef froze in place when he heard the man's dying scream. He then
> bowed his
> head and sighed. *Zagato...*
> 
> "Is there anything else of importance about that man I should know?"
> Clef
> asked the nervous guard waiting outside.

  Combine these paragraphs?  Same person is talking, after all, he may 
as well have continuity in narration.


> "Well...we did find a leaf of parchment in his pocket. It's written
> in a completely unfamiliar script." 

  Cyrillic?


> After a moment, the four of them realized that they had not seen
> Ryouga for some time.
> 
> "Aw, dammit, he's lost again!" Ukyou growled, frustrated.

  Heh, I missed that the first time too.


> Ferio, Ryouga, and Presea greeted a duo walking from the opposite
> direction; a tall, dark-skinned woman with long, bouncy pink hair and
> entirely too little clothing for Ryouga's comfort, and a small boy in
> ornate robes, whose shaggy brown hair obscured his eyes from view.
The
> latter was hovering on a jagged chunk of rock which had numerous
small
> pebbles rotating around it.

  Hey, cool, it's the Eternal Bakusai Tenketsu.

 
> Some time had passed, and more to have anything better to do than sit
> around brooding, the Magic Knights and the group from Nerima had
> gathered together, and were sharing stories of past adventures. For
> their parts, the Magic Knights were growing increasingly incredulous
> at some of the tales of the older teens.

  Curious how this ends up playing out.  The Nerimans can fight; the 
only ones who now know this so far are the Knights.


> "Presea, I'm so sorry! I couldn't..." Hikaru cried, launching herself
> at the blonde woman. "I tried so hard to protect you!
> I...failed...everyone..."
> 
> Presea enfolded the redhead in a hug. "No, Hikaru. You need not feel
> that way. You did not ask to be in the situation you were in, and you
> did everything you could. You tried your hardest, and that..."
> 
> "Are you truly Presea-san?" Fuu asked, tilting her head. "The
> circumstances do not seem to merit this outcome."
> 
> Presea smiled. "I'm not an illusion or a ghost, Fuu," she replied. "I
> am truly here."
> 
> "I'm here too, you know," Ferio commented idly, leaning against a
> wall.
> 
> Fuu suddenly found the tips of her boots very interesting. "Y--yes,
> that is true. It is...good to see you again, Ferio-san."

  I dunno if the backstories from these will be revealed in the 
narration or if someone would need to have the background information 
from watching MKR, but I bet the Nerimans feel the same way too.


> Zagato sat in what had become his accustomed seat, looking down at
> the frail, still form of the Pillar. Her childlike face was marred by
> large healing plasters, her golden hair was limp and lank; only her
> head and shoulders were uncovered, and even under the thick bandages
> wrapped around her neck, he could see the gradual spread of the
black,
> pitted, crusting lesions that now marred her once beautiful body.

  I know this is a story about a magical world, and I'm not sure if 
others will agree, but I must say that I do like the specificness of
the narration.  There's so many different forms of "sick", having an
idea of what I should be imagining allows me to imagine it more
clearly.

 
> His eyes traced the parchment taken from the subversive terrorist
> once again, then tightened in anger.
> 
> A war. Someone wanted a war with Cephiro. And they were using
> subversive lies and deception to turn Emeraude's own people against
> her.

  Repetition... "sneaky", "underhanded", "nefarious", etc. may be
better here?


> Dark eyes alight with anger and the promise of vengeance, High Priest
> Zagato strode purposefully down the corridor, ready to begin an
> entirely new war for his beloved.

  First, he had to find Topper Harley.


> "The traitor we interrogated earlier," Zagato explained, "carried a
> piece of parchment we could not immediately identify. In the process
> of examining it, I learned that the seal inscribed upon the parchment
> is some sort of summoning circle. My deduction is that this circle is
> the means by which the poison, and possibly other tools to assist in
> this insurrection, are transported to this land."

  Boy, is Cephirean Homeland Security screwed if they have the 
equivalent of teleporters.  :)

 
> Thick clouds of smog roiled over the grimy, densely industrial city.

  Quite admittedly, I'm not Californian, but I was always under the 
impression that smog was more of a layer of grime rather than big
chunks of it.


> The cheering and jeering rose in intensity as said ruler strode from
> the doors of the government headquarters, through an honor guard, and
> stood behind the podium. A man with short dark hair, dark, sharp
> eyes, and roguish, handsome features, he did not dress overly
> differently from his soldiers: a severely tailored and pressed deep
> crimson uniform with onyx buttons and piping, highly polished black
> boots, and white gloves. The only significant difference to his
> attire was a black armored bracer on his left wrist, adorned with a
> deep blood-red gemstone.

  Swee-eet!  It's M. Bison!  Psycho Power!

 
> "Three neighboring lands. Three great battles. Three fires of hope to
> ignite our spirits."
> 
> He snapped his fingers, and the first of the three torches burst
> aflame.
> 
> "One of my comrades has already taken Chizeta."

  Love the "Survivor" motif here.  By the way, to be a good demagogue, 

shouldn't M. Bison be praising the people for their victory at Chizeta,


not taking credit by having his friend do it?  :)


> He snapped his fingers one last time, igniting the final torch.
> 
> "The groundwork has already been laid for the third and final step on
> our path to glory. Within the week, we will launch a full-scale
> invasion of the country that poses the greatest threat to our
> superiority.
> 
> "Our final objective, my great and noble people: Cephiro."

  Wait, didn't he just forget Poland?


> =FIRE=IN=THE=WATER==============================ACT=TWO=END.=

  Still some good stuff, Lurker, and I'm definitely looking forward to 
more.  Thanks for writing this story, and keep up the good work!

  ---S. "Zoogz" Jamison

 




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