[FFML] [Ranma/MKR] Fire in the Water, act one (draft complete)

[Jorge A Pratt]

Hey! Ho! Let's go!

:P


> Gritting his teeth, he strode down the trail, unmindful of the blinding
> fog.
> The mist began to part, and a spectacle from hell unfolded before him.

An all-you-can eat buffet... cooked by Akane.

> Her tormentor stood before her, his posture arrogant and his laughter cold
> and mocking. Beside the man lay a pile of sundry torture implements; if
> the
> rust-coloured stains on them were any indication, all had seen recent use.
>
> Suddenly, he found himself no longer able to move. Rooted to his spot on
> the
> trail, he could only watch in horror as the cruel man violated his young
> prisoner. Her screams rent deep gashes in his soul. He struggled to no
> avail
> against the paralysis which forced him to stand by helplessly. Angry tears
> streamed from his eyes in tandem with the fluids trickling down her
> bruised
> thighs, mirrored by the agonised, shame-filled tears rolling down the
> abused
> girl's dry, cracked cheeks.
>
> *TASUKETE!!*
>
> Her tormentor then turned to face him. An arrogant sneer darkened the all
> too familiar features...the ones he saw in the mirror every day.

Ranma: This is symbolic or something, I just can't put my finger on it.

Also, even though it's a few paragraphs apart, I'd suggest changing this
"Her tormentor" because there's a previous paragraph (quoted above) that
starts with the same subject.

> Saotome Ranma awoke screaming.
>
> "*TASUKETE...!!*"

...no, that wasn't what he screamed. It was more like "Gym class noooo!"

> ====================================
>
> FIRE IN THE WATER
>
> Ranma 1/2 X Magic Knight Rayearth
>
> a Studio ELL fanfiction production
>
> Disclaimers:
>
> Ranma 1/2 property of Takahashi Rumiko, Shogakukan, VIZ Communications.
>
> Magic Knight RayEarth property of CLAMP, Kodansha, Media Blasters.

Question: should the E be capitalized? You left it in lowercase just above.

> Ranma barely noticed the sign which bounced off the back of his head; he
> paid no heed to the disgruntled panda which rolled over on the futon
> beside
> him, soon emitting loud snores. His pulse was racing; sweat ran in cold
> rivulets down his face, neck, and spine.

I'm not sure I agree with the verb tense in "soon emitting." Maybe an "and
soon emitted"?

> It disturbed him profoundly
> that the girl in the dream had looked so much like himself--and even more
> that it had been he himself who had raped her.

Ranma: It IS symbolic, I know it! Oh, I'll think about it after I mooch off
some food from the corner store. They always give me free stuff when I go as
a girl.

> Ten minutes later, the two girls were dashing madly through the streets.
> What sympathy Akane had earlier felt for Ranma's plight was erased by
> irritation with the redhead.
>
> "Honestly, Ranma, we're gonna be so late we're dead! And all because you
> had
> to chase that kid halfway to Suginami for spraying you!"
>
> "With soda! Sticky soda! Water's one thing, but..."
>
> "And did you HAVE to kancho that poor kid?"
>
> "HE HAD IT COMIN'!"

And Ranma has slimmer and sharper fingers as female! XO

> Ranma suddenly tensed up as a pair of strong arms encircled her from
> behind,
> hands clamping firmly on a very personal area.

o_O Kuno's skipping straight to second and third base in one swift move.

> Akane stared in worry at the redhead, who was struggling to break
> free--and
> should be able to do so easily. Yet her eyes had glazed over, and she was
> standing there screaming her head off.

"and should have been able", maybe?

> He prayed his mother and father didn't learn of the incident. He could
> ignore the old man's rantings about acting like a girl, but his mother was
> sure to give him a stern, disappointed look, and he didn't think he could
> stomach that.

Least of all, he didn't think he could stomach the ceremonial dagger if she
thought of the episode as "unmanly."

> Worst of all, Akane and, once she'd learned the details, Ukyou kept
> shooting
> him looks of concern. He knew they were only worried about him, but it
> still
> got on his nerves. He was a man, dammit! This kind of thing didn't happen
> to
> men!
>
> ...right?

"Only women have psychotic episodes!" thought the teen whose mind turns into
a cat's with startling regularity.

> Ranma grumbled as she adjusted the embarassingly short, tight bloomers
> she'd
> been forced into wearing. "This bites," she groused.

Punnilicious!

> Their suspicion was confirmed a moment later, when the shriveled old
> pervert
> appeared over the heads of a crowd of enraged, panicking girls. He cackled
> as he angled in towards his preferred target. "Ranma-chan! How lovely you
> look in that outfit! Here I cooooome!"

Augh! TMI! XO

> Akane saw the change in Ranma's eyes immediately. The normal blue orbs
> changed into a snapping, reddish sienna. Blood rushed to the redhead's
> face,
> and a look of pure, unbridled fury wrote itself across her features.

Hm, somehow, the two concepts merged in my mind and I visualized the onrush
of blood _also_ flooding her eyes to turn them red. Eerie.

> Akane responded by smashing a folding chair over his head until he
> collapsed. By the time the ancient pervert was unconscious, the flames had
> died down; a ten-meter-wide circle of scorched ground marked their
> passing.
>
> Of Ranma, there was no trace.

Those that burn brightest burn quickest. Or something.

> Without a word to anyone, Akane took off, ignoring the buzz of murmurs
> behind her.
>
> *Ranma...please be okay...PLEASE...*

"I don't know WHERE to go and I just saw you burn to LESS than ashes but I'm
still going to find you anyway!"


> "It's hard to believe it's been two months since..." the taller of the two
> said, brushing a lock of her long, sky-blue hair behind her ear.
>
> The other nodded, tears brimming behind the round lenses of her glasses.
> "Hikaru-san...we only knew her for a short time, but she was a very
> special
> and dear person..."
>
> "So full of energy, so innocent...she seemed younger than she was,
> really."

Amusing that they're still fixating on that :P

> "I should've cut that bastard's balls off."
>
> "Umi-san!"

"You shouldn't be so rude! Call him bastard-san, next time."

> "I...dunno, really." The redhead frowned at her socks, balling them up,
> and
> rubbed at her eyes tiredly with the back of her hand. "After th' pervert
> showed up, I just kinda..." She paused. "I don't remember what happened,
> but
> next thing I knew, I was lyin' in some graveyard three wards over, an' it
> wa
> s damn near dark."

Errant linebreak at "an' it was."

> "A graveyard?" Akane asked.
>
> Ranma shrugged. "Hell if I know. Man, I'm gettin' sick of this..."
>
> Kasumi's head popped around the corner. "Ranma-kun, I've been holding
> everyone off the furo so it'd be ready for you when you got home..."

*sees Kasumi's headless body stand, arms akimbo, guarding the bathroom door*

> Ranma awkwardly hugged the taller girl. "Akane..." She paused. "Look,
> honestly, I'm pretty freaked out too, okay? I don't like blackin' out an'
> wakin' up in weird places, not knowin' what th' hell I've been doin', or
> who
> with. But we're gonna figure this out an' we're gonna get through this,
> so...just try not to worry too much, okay? This is just one more crazy
> screwed-up thing out of a whole bunch, an' it can't possibly be as bad as
> the last one we had to put up with."
>
> Akane sniffled. "I...I hope you're right, Ranma."

"But I'll remind you that 'the last one' had me turning into a dehydrated
doll, and I already WAS a doll a few weeks earlier when that cursed one from
the inn possessed me!"

> Kasumi knelt beside the stricken boy, placing a comforting hand on his
> shoulder. He flinched, but did not push her away. He didn't seem to have
> the
> strength to resist anything at the moment. "It's alright, it's okay. Shh.
> Now, tell me what's wrong."
>
> "Th-that face...that isn't m...I don't understand..."

At least "he" is focusing on the face, and not... elsewhere. o_O

> Akane and Kasumi let out twin sighs of relief. "Yokatta," Akane said
> tiredly. "We weren't sure--"
>
> "Ranma," Kasumi began, silencing Akane, "what's the last thing you
> remember
> doing?"

Either Kasumi forgot her suffix there, or it's a deliberate omission to
underscore her tone.

> The bell over the door jingled. Shampoo turned to greet the first
> customers
> of the day. "Welcome to--Airen!"

Nabiki: Fat chance. No one is welcome to him unless they pay the handler
fees first.

> Cologne was rather surprised to see that
> a large throng of people had accompanied Ranma and Akane: the entire
> Tendou
> and Saotome families were piling into her restaurant behind the two teens.

Cologne: Sorry, we don't do private parties without a two-week reservation.

> "Yes. They turn red--Kasumi and I have both seen it. Also, he--" She
> paused.
> "Since this began, he has reacted...very violently to the attentions of
> both
> Kunou-senpai and the old letch."
>
> Everyone gave her a Look. She blushed. "Well, more violently than usual,"
> she amended.

Heh!

> The bell over the door chimed again, interruping her. Shampoo glanced over
> at the door, and frowned. "Deliveries in rear!"

Noooo, that's what you use to defeat the owner in savage combat...

> Cologne frowned, but did not press for clarification. Instead, she removed
> a
> small golden talisman from within her robes, pressing it into a depression
> on the box. "And since this dream, your cursed form has been causing
> problems?"

o_O Was the seal the work of the Guide, or the Amazons?

> "Everyone look out!" Akane cried. "The last time this happened, he torched
> the sports field at school!"

Cologne: Then get him out of my restaurant! My insurance has stopped
covering Acts of Ranma!

> She glanced back at the glove in the old woman's hand. Then, she stood
> bolt
> upright. "Umi-chan! Fuu-chan! They made it back!"
>
> Before anyone could stop her, she bolted for the door, barely pausing to
> throw it open before racing off down the street.
>
> Everyone froze in shock. Then, Akane bolted for the door, pausing only
> long
> enough to shout to the room, "What are you all waiting for? After him!"
>
> Less than two seconds later, the Nekohanten was empty.

Three seconds later, though, two people were heard:

"'Umi-chan'? 'Fuu-chan'? Dear, is this anything like that terrible business
with Ukyou?"

"I've never heard about these ones, I swear!"

> "Ranma! WAIT!" voices cried behind her. She wanted to turn around and try
> to
> help whoever was chasing her find this Ranma person, but at the moment,
> she
> had more important things on her mind.
>
> Umi. Fuu.

Sora. Donald. Goofy.

> Nabiki frowned. "They were headed that way, so..." She walked behind the
> counter and picked up the phone, dialing a familiar number. "Ukyou?
> Listen,
> Ranma's kind of not himself, and he's run off again. Yeah. Akane and a few
> others are chasing him, but it looks like he was headed your way. Cut him
> off if you can, would you? Yeah. Okay. Thanks."
>
> "Do you think she'll be able to stop him?" Kasumi asked.

"That, or the entire town will join in and start chasing him. This is not
the first time he's pulled a runner."

> A shop door suddenly burst open several meters in front of her, and a girl
> with long hair and an enormous--spatula?--strapped to her back practically
> flew out, blocking her path.
>
> "Ranchan! Stop runnin', sugar! Ya gotta stop!"

But Love Seeker Can't Stop It!

> "Saotome Nodoka," Cologne asked, "you carry pictures of your son in both
> of
> his forms, do you not?"
>
> "Of course."

"They're separate pictures, mind you."

"...of course they'd be... Wait, what? Why wouldn't they be separate?"

> "No, child, they are one and the same." Cologne chuckled at Hikaru's
> confused look. "Shampoo, show our young guest what the curse does."
>
> "Hai!" Shampoo plucked a glass of water off an empty table and threw it in
> Genma's face.

Heh! Figures she's smart enough to douse someone _else_ to demonstrate. :P

> "That would appear to be the case," Cologne spoke. "Although in my many
> years, I have never heard of something like this happening, it would seem
> that somehow, the groom carried more than the curse away from that spring.
> He also carried the soul of the girl who drowned there fifteen hundred
> years
> ago."

You gonna carry that weight...

> Soun wordlessly handed over the newspaper he had taken refuge behind
> during
> much of the exchange.

XD

"I'm not here. This doesn't concern me. Oh, look, the Tigers won last
night."

> "You...I didn't even notice it, but you really couldn't be over fifteen
> hundred years old, or Chinese," Akane said. "But then...how..."

Hikaru: Umi-chan and Fuu-chan said I looked young for my age too...

> "Child," Cologne spoke gently, "If these friends of yours believe you to
> be
> dead, and you suddenly approach them in this condition, with no real
> answers
> as to what has happened and how you have come to be here in this
> manner...it
> might do more harm than good. For them, and for you."

"Fuu, I think I see dead people."

"I think I do too, Umi-san."

"Oh, good, I was getting worried I was the only one getting all wigged out."

"Now, Umi-san, maybe we really are seeing Hikaru-san's ghost-san. Let's go
say hello, at least."

> Hikaru shook her head. "No...no, the only way to figure all this out is to
> talk to Umi-chan and Fuu-chan. I'm sure of it. I believe it with all my
> heart."
>
> Everyone sat silently for a moment, exchanging wary glances.
>
> "Alright," Akane said quietly. "If you want to see your friends, then
> we'll
> go see your friends. Where do they live?"

And Hikaru's Conquering Will conquered these people too. She'd be dangerous
with a Green Lantern ring.

> * * * * * * *

Oooh, the new stuff!

>
> For the remainder of the afternoon, Nabiki tried to coax as much
> information
> about Umi and Fuu out of Hikaru as the redhead could remember--which
> wasn't
> much, as she had not known them that long, and their time together had
> been
> spent dealing with more significant matters, such as staying alive.

But, apparently, there was someone named "Mokona" who interacted with Umi
most of all after Hikaru.

> After she had given Nabiki everything she could, the middle Tendou sister
> had gone off to start the search. Hikaru spent the evening talking with
> Akane, Shampoo, and Ukyou, getting to know the people who she now had to
> rely on, and learning more about Saotome Ranma, the boy whose body she had
> apparently stolen.

Shouldn't she try to contact her family, at least? And if Cologne advised
otherwise, then Hikaru should have reacted to that in some manner.

> She felt truly horrible about that, and had offered many apologies to
> everyone. They repeatedly assured her that it was not her fault, though
> she
> could not help but feel the younger girls felt at least some resentment
> towards her.

That's a familiar scene ;)

> They, in turn, had learned more about her--where she lived, her school,
> her
> interests, her family. The discussion of her three elder brothers had
> upset
> her terribly; it hurt to think about their reactions to her "death". The
> group had flatly refused to allow her to contact them, however; although
> it
> upset her, she couldn't fault the logic. Until everything about the
> situation was truly understood, it was a bad idea on several levels. So,
> she
> agreed to hold off on contacting her family until after they'd solved the
> mystery of her current state of existence.

Aaaa, I see.

...though I have a sudden mental image of Hikaru sneaking off at night to
feed Hikari.

> "So you study kendo, huh?" Akane asked as they sat around, playing Old
> Maid
> and nibbling on snacks.

Ukyou: Wow, sorry to tell you this, sugar, but you suck at cards just as bad
as Ran-chan.

> "Yeah. My family runs a dojo."
>
> Ukyou snorted. "Small world, huh. Don't let the panda bastard hear it, you
> wouldn't like what'd happen. Trust me."
>
> "Nah, I doubt..." Akane paused. "On second thought, you're probably
> right."
>
> "Eh? What're you two talking about?"

I wouldn't put it past Genma to somehow betroth Ranma to himself.

> Hikaru's eyes widened. "He..." She gaped. "He doesn't know they're the
> same
> person?"
>
> "Nope. Ranma's changed form right in FRONT of him several times and he
> STILL
> doesn't get it. He's completely clueless."

"...and this new development isn't going to help matters one bit."

> Hikaru sat motionless, thinking. "Wait," she said slowly. "I
> remember...the
> first time I...woke up...somebody GRABBED me from behind. Squeezed
> my...you
> know." Her face flamed as crimson as her hair.

"My... biggerthanIremember you know... That's weird."

And I wonder if she's flaming crimson from embarrassment or fury. You know,
all things considered.

> "No worry, ghost girl. We no let him touch you."
>
> "Please stop calling her that, Shampoo," Akane sighed. "She DOES have a
> name, you know."

*facefault*

> "Okay then," Akane said. "Sunday, we'll go to Tokyo Tower and find your
> friends." She offered a smile to the crying redhead.
>
> "Th-thanks, everyone," Hikaru sniffled. "Thanks so much..."

"Your family is still off-limits, though."

"Awww..."

> * * * * * * *
>
> As Sunday approached, the mood in the Tendou household grew increasingly
> tense.
>
> Finally, at dinner Saturday, Akane voiced her chief concern. "I wish we
> knew
> Ranma is still...you know."

Well, after several days of this, I figure it's time for _someone_ to
remember him :P

> "We know, Akane-chan," Nodoka said softly. "We're all concerned. But...I
> know my son is still...there. I don't know..." She paused. "Well, I don't
> know much of anything. But I know that right now, two people need our
> help.
> Hikaru-chan, and my son. And we're going to help both of them."
>
> "Well said," Soun commented.

And then he stood up and left, having fulfilled his contractual obligation
to appear in this episode.

> "Not another word of that, young lady!" Nodoka snapped. "I will not have a
> guest, especially one so desperately in need as yourself, feeling or
> thinking that way!" She fixed a stern gaze on Hikaru. "You cannot possibly
> help what has happened, neither to yourself nor to Ranma. You are as much
> a
> victim of whatever is going on as he is. We will help both of you, we will
> ease your suffering, and we will solve this problem. And there will not be
> another word about being a burden or not deserving to live."
>
> Hikaru swallowed heavily. "Yes, ma'am." She smiled hesitantly. "Thank
> you."
>
> "Think nothing of it, dear."

Hmm. I do wonder how her previous relationship with "Ranko" will affect her
current one with Hikaru.

> Early Sunday morning, the expedition party gathered at the gates of the
> Tendou estate. There had been a lot of arguing, but ultimately it was
> decided that while a larger party stood a better chance of actually
> finding
> the two girls,

"Really, I mean it, you don't all have to come with!"

"You said they're good with swords and one of them's an archer. Trust me,
with our group, that pretty much guarantees a fight. Usually with
'Anything-Goes Martial Arts' in the title."

> at home, and Kasumi and Nabiki felt they would be better off using their
> time to research anything that might relate to the problem.

Kasumi: Really, Nabiki, I don't think a book on "Ghost Photography" is all
that adequate right now.

Nabiki: Hey, I gotta keep the business running somehow.

> "So have you thought about what you're gonna say to those gals when you
> *find* 'em, Hicchan?" Ukyou asked.

Heh! I like that.

> "SAOTOME, TODAY IS THE DAY YOU DIE!"
>
> "Chikushou! Hikaru, duck!"
>
> The redhead barely had time to blink before a white-garbed figure
> descended
> upon her, reams of weapons and chains flying in every direction. Hikaru
> shrieked in surprise and panic, jumping backwards and skidding into a
> crouch. "What the--?"

"Kaitou Kid? What'd I ever do to you!?"

> "EXCUSE ME," Hikaru shouted over the squabbling. "Would someone mind
> telling
> me who this person is and why he's trying to KILL ME?" As she said the
> last,
> she jumped clear of several thrown daggers, a small storm of shuriken, and
> a
> bedpan.

Hopefully, an empty bedpan. The innocent bystanders are not amused.

> "Well, you have to, so prepare to die!" Mousse charged, three swords
> sticking out from each sleeve.
>
> Akane clutched her hands before her mouth in horror. "Oh my god, she's
> going
> to get killed!

Hikaru: ....

Akane: Er, again!

Oh, and there are a few instances where the "g" in "Oh my god" is
capitalized.

>
> *CLANG!*
>
> The ring of steel on steel interrupted Akane, and the three girls stared
> in
> surprise at the large double-edged broadsword which had appeared in
> Hikaru's
> hands. The redhead's eyes snapped with anger as she pressed against
> Mousse's
> attack. With a *shhhhnk!* of sliding metal, the Chinese boy's swords were
> deflected.

Oooh, Cephiran magic works on Earth, then. Beyond the random manifestation
on Hikaru's glove, I mean.

> "Whoa. Did NOT see that comin'."
>
> "Where ghost gi--Hikaru get sword?"
>
> "Heck if I know."

Though I wouldn't be surprised if Shampoo were to call Hikaru "Sword girl"
from now on.

> "Alright, you asked for it," Hikaru growled as she deflected Mousse's
> attack
> with the flat of her blade. Skidding backwards a meter, she raised her
> right
> hand above her head. "HONOU NO...YAAAAA!"
>
> Mousse had little time to react as streaks of flame leapt from the
> redhead's
> fingertips, engulfing him and setting his robes ablaze.

Um, OW. That usually chars foes to a crisp @_@

> "Ryouga?!"
>
> "Oh great, the other jackass shows up," Ukyou muttered.

It's a regular MTV feature!

> Ryouga sighed, strapping his umbrella back in place, and turned to Hikaru.
> "Are you alright?"
>
> "H-hai...who are--"

Hikaru: Who is that strapping young man?

> "How the hell can that idiot get lost on a MOVING TRAIN?" Ukyou exclaimed
> in
> exasperation as the four girls disembarked a short while later.

*laff*

> "He'll be fine. He spends most of his life wandering around Japan trying
> to
> find wherever he wants to be. I doubt even getting HIT by a train would
> stop
> him for long," Akane shook her head. "Anyway, let's get going."

Heh! I like how she felt the need to add "...for long" there. She's
altogether too glib about it, though.

> "Huh? Oh, it...it's complicated," Hikaru said. "It has to do with why
> we're
> here, and I'm sorry, but I'd rather not say more until we find Umi-chan
> and
> Fuu-chan, because without them to back me up, you'll think I'm crazy."
>
> "Sugar, ain't much I don't believe anymore," Ukyou said with a chuckle.

*shrug* I think, at this point, she could have said simply "It's magic," and
no one would have batted an eye. They've seen much more impressive magic
elsewhere already.

> approached the entrance. Rather than their school uniforms, they wore
> casual
> clothing; the taller, willowy girl with the sky-blue hair wore
> snug-fitting
> indigo jeans, a loose white blouse, and off-white flat-heeled slippers,
> while her shorter, sandy-haired companion wore a knee-length brown skirt,
> a
> seafoam-green sweater, knee-high white socks, and ankle-high brown suede
> lace-up boots.
>
> By comparison, Hikaru felt a bit silly wearing what she had been told were
> Ranma's usual clothes.

Aww, Hikaru misses being the clothes-horse that CLAMP depicted her as. :(

> "Uso," Umi gasped, taking a step backward and nearly falling on the
> pavement.
>
> "Umi-san? Do you see...?" Fuu's eyes were as wide as saucers behind her
> round glasses.
>
> "It...it's not possible," Umi said shakily. "It can't be...!"

Marty: "You're so... you're so... (choke) ...big!"

> "I guess it wasn't very smart to just blurt it out like that," Hikaru
> replied sheepishly.
>
> ...HIKARU?

And here we'll make the small allowance that Hekiru Shiina and Megumi
Hayashibara's voices could sound alike in this particular scenario ^_^

> Umi decided she'd had enough. "Look, I don't know who you are, but Shidou
> Hikaru was a dear friend of ours, and we're still grieving for her, so
> this
> really is not funny."
>
> "Umi-chan..."
>
> "DON'T BE SO FAMILIAR WITH ME!" Umi shrieked.

;_;

> "HIKARU!" Umi cried suddenly, descending on the redhead and engulfing her
> in
> a fierce hug, tears streaming down her own cheeks. "Hikaru! You...!"
>
> Fuu knelt beside them and joined the embrace, silent tears spilling behind
> her glasses. "Welcome back, Hikaru-san."

;____;

> After a moment, the three were reminded that they were not alone when
> Ukyou
> spoke up, addressing the two other girls standing apart from the sobbing
> trio, "What the heck's a Cephiro?"
>
> Hikaru tensed, then looked up at her new friends, an embarassed and guilty
> look on her face.
>
> Akane raised an eyebrow. "I think we're about to finally get the rest of
> the
> story, the stuff Hikaru's been hiding from us," she said.

Er, I'd expect Ukyou and Akane, but specially Akane (definitely not Shampoo,
though) to be a bit awkward and hesitant when approaching the Trio,
considering what they've just seen them go through just now. Actually, I can
see them standing around nervously until Hikaru herself realized it was time
to move on.

> The girls decided to migrate into the Tower proper before talking

The swallows would just have to settle for Capistrano.

> it
> seemed
> somehow more appropriate to the younger three, as that was where their odd
> friendship began, and to the older three girls, it made sense to find a
> place to talk where the surrounding buzz of dozens of conversations would
> effectively prevent unwanted eavesdropping.

D'oh, I lost track of their ages somehow. U&F are 14, the others 16, right?

> Ryouga shot her an irritated and somewhat hurt look. "Give me SOME credit.
> I
> knew where you were headed--it's kind of hard to MISS Tokyo Tower, you
> know?"

It's kinda hard to miss PHOENIX PEAK when you're at its foot and yet you
somehow ended up in MOSCOW :P

> "The nearest we've been able to tell is I'm sort of..." Hikaru shrugged.
> "Possessing is a word for it, I guess, someone else's body."
>
> "Ano...Hikaru..." Umi's left eye twitched. "That kind of thing..."
>
> "Umi-san," Fuu said, her glasses momentarily white with reflected light,
> "We
> *have* seen some very strange things."

And Fuu just got scary all of a sudden. *_*


> Hikaru let out a long, slow hiss of breath. "THANK you, Shampoo-chan, I
> *really* needed to walk around smelling like coffee all day."

She's right; there was a tea shop just aroound the corner.

> Akane and
> Ukyou shuddered; it was so strange hearing Ranma's voice speak like that,
> and Akane's hand reflexively curled into a fist, but she held herself in
> check.

Heh! I know she made a fist for "Ranma" saying "Shampoo-chan," but the idea
that "See Ranma=Punch!" is a conditioned reflex in Akane is too good to pass
up.

> "It's...really really complicated, and I don't totally understand it..."
> She
> took a deep breath. "Okay, this boy named Ranma fell in a cursed spring
> somewhere in China, and turns into a girl when splashed with cold water
> because a girl drowned in that spring fifteen hundred years ago. Well, I'm
> apparently the girl who drowned in that spring, so he turns into *ME*, and
> hot water turns him back to this, and somehow my soul or ghost or whatever
> got stuck to him and for some reason I'm walking around using his body
> like
> it was my own and that's about as much as I know about this. Really."

@_@

All things considered, though, I'd revise a bit of Hikaru's vocab. While not
as rough as Ranma's, she's still a 14/16 year-old with stunted ninth-grade
education who traipsed around the Chinese countryside for a long time.

> A long, dry silence followed.

Coffee dries fast.

> "You wanna run that by 'em again, sugar?" Ukyou asked, smirking.

Ukyou: That confused even me, and I've known about it for months.

> "I...I don't know how much more of this I can take," Umi said shakily.
>
> "Welcome to my world," Hikaru sighed.

Agh, isn't that uncharacteristically flippant of her?

> For the next several minutes, Akane, Shampoo, and Ukyou patiently, slowly,
> and clearly explained the history of Ranma and his curse. To their credit,
> the two younger girls took it remarkably well.

"I'm going to throw up."

> "Fuu, Zagato hit her with a really nasty-looking spell, and there wasn't
> anything left but a puff of smoke."

Akane: Hey! The same thing happened the other day, at school! Really
stresses you out, doesn't it?

> "Cephiro is a land shaped by will, and supported by the will of one person
> they refer to as the Pillar. It was the Pillar, Emeraude-hime-san, who
> summoned us to Cephiro. We were given magical armor and the ability to use
> magic by Clef-san, and sent to, improbably as it seemed, save the world."
>
> "Sounds like something out of a video game," Akane remarked.
>
> "It rather does, does it not?" Fuu smiled sadly.

OUCH, Akane. OUCH. (Especially since it's Fuu who admits it.)

> A massive, imposing figure in heavy black armor appeared suddenly in the
> three girls' path, wreathed in a corona of dark energy.

o_O That was SUDDEN.

No, er, really. A wee bit of context could help ^^;; Just a "The girls were
taking a breather to get their bearings in the strange world when...", or
something to that effect, would suffice.

>
> Heavy-hearted and road-weary, the two girls with weak magic and unevolved
> armor reached their final destination, the castle in which the Pillar of
> Cephiro awaited them.

Fuu: So... this is what a Low-Level Challenge feels like when you're the RPG
character...

Umi: ..........

> Zagato raised an eyebrow. "You did not know? It was not explained to you?"
>
> "Very little has been explained to us," Fuu said tiredly.

"Clef-san said we were on a need-to-know basis."

> Pillar must die before the very land itself disappears. None who hail from
> here may raise a hand against the Pillar. It is for this reason alone that
> the power exists to call forth those from another world who have the
> potential to become Magic Knights--strong-willed warriors who can overcome
> the hazards of the decaying Cephiro to kill the Pillar."

IOW, the MKs are indentured assassins.

> "You..." she whispered harshly. "For this, Hikaru...Hikaru died. Presea
> died. Clef...Ascot...Caldina...everyone who has suffered from this
> pointless
> war..."

Caldina? O_o Caldina came after Selece, and after Ascot. Way after. Did the
Trio still get to face her, or did U&F run into her afterwards, and then
fight back in self-defense? Because lumping her and Ascot with Hikaru,
Presea, and turned-to-stone Clef implies _things_...

> "You will not speak, Zagato-san," Fuu said. She had somehow found her way
> to
> Umi's side, and the point of her longsword was pressed against Zagato's
> throat.

And her claymore grew three sizes that day.

> "**SHUT UP!!**" Umi's arms trembled in rage, her fists clenched so tightly
> that small rivulets of blood were now tracing dark trails between her
> fingers. "Just...you have no right to speak to us. Not after Hikaru died
> because she thought she was coming to SAVE you."

You know, Zagato, you _could_ interject your own opinion any time now about
how you just banished Hikaru from Cephiro instead of killing her...

> "Did it never occur to you, even once, that allowing your own happiness,
> that allowing yourself to love one man, might in fact not result in the
> destruction of this world?"
>
> Neither Emeraude nor Zagato spoke.

"It's been done this way for thousands of years..."

> "She's failed the hell out of it," Umi snapped. "She's failed everyone and
> everything, by being too fucking stupid to be allowed to live." She turned
> and walked away from the pair. "But death is what she wants, and I have
> absolutely no desire to give this little bitch what she wants. Do you hear
> me? If you want to die so bad, kill your own self. But as for me, as for
> Fuu..." She turned sharply, eyes fierce and glaring like an angry dragon.
> "SEND US HOME! RIGHT NOW!"

That's actually all too appropriate even for the canon story --which had an
adventurous attitude throughout, but people STILL died and the survivors
STILL suffered dearly because of her.

> Emeraude bowed her head. "Very well."
>
> A flash of light later, and Umi and Fuu found themselves standing on the
> observation deck of Tokyo Tower.

...you know

> "Why...why didn't Clef tell us?" Hikaru asked. "Why did he lie?"

"And why do I have the sudden urge to grab Akane-chan's hammer and drag Clef
to a quarry?"

"I don't think he's still turned to stone, Hikaru-san."

"Who said anything about that?"

> "So we weren't...and I was so..." Hikaru sank to her knees. "Then it was
> my
> fault..."
>
> "Hikaru, no!" Umi shouted. "It wasn't your fault! How the hell were you
> supposed to know? None of us knew! The whole thing was just so stupid..."
>
> "Perhaps a change of topic is in order," Fuu said quietly. "I, for one, am
> curious as to why Hikaru-san did not die when struck by Zagato-san's
> spell."

Oh, yes, good idea. This should cheer everyone up.


> "They took me to this huge palace, and led me down into the dungeons. They
> stripped me naked and locked me in a cell." Everyone gasped. Hikaru closed
> her eyes, trembling. "They...they hardly ever fed me, and every so often
> they..."
>
> "You don't need to say it!" Akane said hastily.
>
> "No, I..." Hikaru faltered. "They beat me, and they...abused me."

The precursors of the Musk weren't exactly the most civilized of cultures
 >_<

> Nobody spoke for a long time.

;_____;

Herb: *shudder*

Lime: What is it, Master?

Herb: There is an expression, to feel as if someone had "walked over your
grave."

Lime: Did you feel that, Master Herb?

Herb: I felt a conga line dancing back and forth over it.


> It was a half hour before Hikaru had finally regained her composure,
> largely
> in part to the soothing attentions of Umi, Fuu, and Akane. A few people
> passing by had attempted to ask what was wrong or offer help, but were
> deterred by the hostile glares of Shampoo, Ukyou, and Ryouga.

Shampoo: You man. You die now.

Ukyou: I'm with you, sugar, but could you stop saying that to every guy who
walks by?

> "And no idea how to solve it," Ryouga added. "Boy, what I wouldn't give to
> get my hands on this Zagato bastard..."
>
> "This whole goddamn thing is that bitch princess' fault," Umi snarled. "I
> want to go back there one more time and slap her again, a lot harder."

I'm surprised that the wielder of Water Magic in this Trio would settle for
a slap, rather than a karmic drowning.

> "I don't..." Hikaru said quietly. "I can't hate them, even after
> everything.
> I just...I just wish I could ask them WHY..."

"Now, Clef... HE knew everything from the start. I can hate him just fine."

"And Mokona?"

"Still undecided."

> The partly overcast, dull blue-grey sky suddenly became blindingly white
> and
> painfully bright. Everyone looked up in shock.

Whoa, she wished for it and now it happens. You'd think she's the Pillar or
something.

> "What the heck?" Ukyou asked.
>
> "What that light?" Shampoo demanded of nobody in particular, shielding her
> eyes.
>
> The eyes of the three Magic Knights widened. "Uso..." Umi hissed. "It's--"

It's the chapter break! Ruuunnn!

All in all, I think it's a definite improvement over the O:RS version,
especially with how Ranma and Hikaru have a bigger problem than just
switching back and forth with cold water. Otherwise, there's little else I
haven't mentioned over AIM; I still hold to the stylistic rule of paragraphs
and all, but we've been over that already :P

Here's waiting for the next part!*

(* On preview form! Yayz!)

-- 
Jorge A. Pratt