[FFML] [fanfic][repost] NGE: EndGame, 02

[Miashara]

Hey, I never said I was strong on tact.

----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Bob Schroeck" <rms at eclipse.net>
To: "The Fanfiction Mailing List" <ffml at chez-vrolet.net>
Sent: Monday, February 18, 2008 7:04 PM
Subject: Re: [FFML] [fanfic][repost] NGE: EndGame, 02


>A little brusque there, weren't you, Miashara?  Some good feedback,
> yes, but aren't you just a tad confrontational about it?
>
> Also, some of your points were, well, a little wrong.

Yep. It's true.

> Miashara wrote
>>>The fluorescent tubes, held in fixtures of three each, were inset at
>> inserted
>
> Um, no.  "Inset" means "recessed".  "Inserted" is more of a process,
> the past tense of an action, whereas "inset" is a static descriptive.

Yup. I read inserted. Step one, author right, I'm wrong.

>>>Rei turned the page of her book. "This could be a problem." she
>> stated.
>>
>> problem," she
>>
>> and you might want to change turned to returned
>
> Why?  She's turning a page, not returning to the book -- she's
> never stopped reading during the conversation.

again, strike two. I inserted a 'to' there.

>> By the way, I also liked that. A lot of people get into long, drawn out
>> explanations of how the characters learn the names of stuff. I don't
>> really care. Ermine=Hisame. Good. Done.
>
> It may also indicate that not all of his memory is obliterated,
> given that his internal narrative automatically retrieved the name.
> Yes, I know Shinji isn't a first-person narrator, but we're viewing
> his thoughts, for the most part, from a third-person (semi-?)
> omniscient viewpoint.  Then again, it may just be the third-person
> narrator remembering the ermine's name from the first chapter.
> <grin>

See, I figured it was the former. That being said, there's really no reason 
to get into exat details here. The thing I liked about it was we have some 
point that he can build on later without excessively discussing now. It was 
the brevity that worked for me, as well as what might be a dropped plot 
thread for later development.

And if it is inconsequential, like the latter possibilty, no reason to 
belabor it.

And I think it's called third person limited omniscient. cf. Wikipedia

>>>"This is Central Dogma, NERV headquarters," Ritsuko said, as a set of
>> reinforced interlocking doors opened with the silent whoose of
>>
>> The silent what?
>
> Probably meant "whoosh" there.

Yeah

>> Gott in himmel you punctuate a lot.
>
> Better too much than not enough, in my humble opinion as a reader
> *and* as a writer.  I'd rather have too many breaks than the
> sentence that ate Cincinnati.

Don't missunderstand me. I agree with you. That's why I didn't endlessly 
pick apart the fic sentence by sentence discussing grammatical nit picks. 
That, and that kind of C&C is basically useless. But I figured in general a 
comment or two about it wouldn't be offensive.

>>>"We can't make you do it against your will," Ritsuko said calmly.
>> "You're free to leave if you want to."
>> But as we mentioned before, you will be shot.
>
> Or at least shot *at.*  Can't make it seem too easy, after all.
>
> -- Bob

As I said in the first line of the origianl C&C, I liked the fic. There were 
a few very specific points I wanted to make, and I think Chen got something 
worthwhile out of the post. As for the rest basically I expect him, like any 
author, to ignore anything I say that isn't useful. Someone or other always 
posts his C&C with some disclaimer at the front about reserving the right to 
be wrong or useless. I may go plagarize that.

On the other hand, if this sparks any kind of discussion, it all works for 
the better from the fearless author's perspective. The more meaningful C&C 
the better, right?

Miashara
www.deepfriedpuppies.com/miashara

> ===========================================================================
> Bob Schroeck          http://www.eclipse.net/~rms 
> rms at eclipse.net
> ===========================================================================
> Then the horns kicked in...
> ...and my shoes began to squeak.
> ===========================================================================
>
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