[FFML] [fanfic][repost] NGE: EndGame, 02
rms at eclipse.net
Mon Feb 18 17:04:15 PST 2008
A little brusque there, weren't you, Miashara? Some good feedback,
yes, but aren't you just a tad confrontational about it?
Also, some of your points were, well, a little wrong.
>>The fluorescent tubes, held in fixtures of three each, were inset at
Um, no. "Inset" means "recessed". "Inserted" is more of a process,
the past tense of an action, whereas "inset" is a static descriptive.
>>Rei turned the page of her book. "This could be a problem." she
> problem," she
> and you might want to change turned to returned
Why? She's turning a page, not returning to the book -- she's
never stopped reading during the conversation.
> By the way, I also liked that. A lot of people get into long, drawn out
> explanations of how the characters learn the names of stuff. I don't
> really care. Ermine=Hisame. Good. Done.
It may also indicate that not all of his memory is obliterated,
given that his internal narrative automatically retrieved the name.
Yes, I know Shinji isn't a first-person narrator, but we're viewing
his thoughts, for the most part, from a third-person (semi-?)
omniscient viewpoint. Then again, it may just be the third-person
narrator remembering the ermine's name from the first chapter.
>>"This is Central Dogma, NERV headquarters," Ritsuko said, as a set of
> reinforced interlocking doors opened with the silent whoose of
> The silent what?
Probably meant "whoosh" there.
> Gott in himmel you punctuate a lot.
Better too much than not enough, in my humble opinion as a reader
*and* as a writer. I'd rather have too many breaks than the
sentence that ate Cincinnati.
>>"We can't make you do it against your will," Ritsuko said calmly.
> "You're free to leave if you want to."
> But as we mentioned before, you will be shot.
Or at least shot *at.* Can't make it seem too easy, after all.
Bob Schroeck http://www.eclipse.net/~rms rms at eclipse.net
Then the horns kicked in...
...and my shoes began to squeak.
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