[FFML] [fanfic][repost] NGE: EndGame, 02

[Chen Yong]

First of all, thank you for the C&C, which provided some insight as to why your moniker is called DeepFriedPuppies. No, I'm not being sarcastic. The comments and wit were as enjoyable as they were helpful. :)

> From: miashara at deepfriedpuppies.com
> To: ffml at chez-vrolet.net
> Date: Mon, 18 Feb 2008 12:36:34 -0600
> Subject: Re: [FFML] [fanfic][repost] NGE: EndGame, 02
> 
> I liked this. Parts of it, at any rate. Here we go.
> 
>>regular intervals into the plastered ceiling and turned off, since the
> room was already sufficiently illuminated by the copious amounts of
> what looked like late afternoon sunlight pouring in from the leftmost
> wall, which was composed entirely from glass panels. Shinji felt
> completely refreshed, as if invigorated by a good night's sleep. The
> ceiling was the first thing he saw when he opened his eyes, and he
> gazed intently at it, fascinated by its overwhelming normalcy.
> 
> Are you Warren G Harding reincarnated? Normality. Also, that opening 
> sentence is brutal. Try to break it up or something.

Another reader mentioned as much. During intermittent re-readings I've fixed various errors like this one here and there. It's strange how I can never see them until at least two days after I finish writing them... Thanks, and fixed.


>>Rei turned the page of her book. "This could be a problem." she
> stated.
> 
> problem," she
> 
> and you might want to change turned to returned

Fixed. And no, "turned" is correct. As in, she turned the page.


>>A matron had escorted him from the hospital room he shared with Rei,
> 
> So he and Rei were actually sleeping and quartered in the same room? I got 
> the impression she was just visiting. Odd.

Hrm. I did mention Rei was on a hospital bed as well, I think. I'll see what I can do about it.

 
>>"Big place, isn't it?" Shinji remarked, busy being awe-struck by the
> architecture. The entire complex was clean and efficient, and
> augmented by various automated electronics and systems. Yet it felt
> strangely natural to him, and for a moment Shinji wondered if he'd
> spent his life wandering through fortified military installations.
> 
> That didn't really make a huge amount of sense. If he spent his whole life 
> wandering through these places, why would they be impressive? Also, since he 
> can't remember anything, why would he remember enough to be impressed at 
> all? Unless he's used to being in fortifications that were inferior to this 
> one

Bingo.

Ah, crap. Spoiler. ^^"


>>"This is Central Dogma, NERV headquarters," Ritsuko said, as a set of
> reinforced interlocking doors opened with the silent whoose of
> 
> The silent what?

Whoosh. The silent whoosh. Spelling error fixed. :(


>>pneumatics to allow the travelator to transport them into and across
> what looked like a gigantic, cylindrical steel-walled chasm, almost as
> if they had just entered a large vertically-aligned steel pipe, with a
> myriad of other travelators bridging the chasm above, below, and all
> around them.
> 
> Gott in himmel you punctuate a lot.

One of the miscellaneous errors I've fixed as well. My bad.

 
>>"The second model of the synthetic life form Evangelion, Unit 02,"
> Ritsuko announced loftily. "Humanity's only line of defense against
> the Angels."
> 
>>"It took quite a beating during its last deployment," Misato grinned
> sheepishly. "Relax, it doesn't look this ugly all the time."
> 
> That's pretty good characterization in those two lines, especially Ritsuko. 
> I like that.

Aside from her affair with Gendo, I've always identified strongly with Ritsuko, among others. She's the sort of person I think I am; formulas, equations, logic. Advantages to balance drawbacks in doing anything. Computer geek. Writing her was considerably easier than writing Misato.


>>"We can't make you do it against your will," Ritsuko said calmly.
> "You're free to leave if you want to."
> 
> But as we mentioned before, you will be shot.

I'd assume a smart negotiator wouldn't mention that... yet. Trying the carrot before the stick, so to speak. :)


> Perhaps you explained this in the first chapter, but why isn't he in Unit 
> 01? Why is he looking at Asuka's unit (hehhehehe) when she's in 
> Germany with an incompleted EVA?

Because Asuka's incomplete EVA isn't Unit 02 - something much grander's in store for the Second Child. As for why not Unit 01, you're probably not going to like it, but it's an important plot point with the Fourth Wall later. :(


> "Well." Misao frowned. "That went a lot better than I thought it
> would."
> 
> The usual questions about why she freaks him out if an EVA didn't, etc. etc.

I don't care much for monsters, but I'm damn scared of ghosts. :(


> The flow of your story was very good. The timing was nice, it stayed light, 
> and there were some very interesting hints of Machiavellianism on the part 
> of Ritsuko. Her entire characterization was very well done. Misato was a bit 
> more flakey than I like, but nothing terrible. Try not to reduce her to a 
> complete moron.

Thank you. I spent weeks considering which scenes to add and discard and from which angle I should write them from, so it's rather gratifying to know that the effort wasn't a complete waste.

Also, aside from her affair with Gendo, I've always identified strongly with Ritsuko, among others. She's the sort of person I think I am; formulas, equations, logic. Advantages to balance drawbacks in doing anything. Computer geek. Writing her was considerably easier than writing Misato.


> Shinji, when he's not being overpowered, is an interesting 
> character. He doesn't seem to have a spine, but hey. Shinji, right?

Hrm. Actually, I was aiming for the amnesiac-kid-wakes-up-in-world-that-doesn't-make-sense effect instead. Noted, and thanks.


> Bad:
> 
> The whole fight was retarded. The SI is overpowered. That's nice. I don't 
> care. At other points SI self love seeps out like pus from a sore. Not 
> pleasant. And this whole breaking the fourth wall, thing. Don't do it. It's 
> jarring, irritating, and doesn't work. I know what you're trying to do. 
> You're failing. Leave the 4th wall alone.

Noted, but could I ask a small favor? Do take a look at the first chapter, and see if the whole 4th Wall thing is still as badly executed as it is. It is, unfortunately, a central part of the plot, and if I am to remove it I might as well start planning how to rewrite this whole thing. I do intend on making it better if it's been badly done, though.

Regarding the SI, it's also a central theme to the story, like the 4th Wall. The one thing I noted during my brief tenure as a lurker in the Eva fandom is that SIs are universally reviled, so I'm writing this in an attempt to prove a point. I know, I know, the noobish newcomer brashly challenging the establishes rules just for the same of doing so. But then again, I AM a newcomer, with no preconceptions of what works and what doesn't, so I might as well make full use of it before I become another jaded writer amongst the ranks. Can it be done? Seriously, I have no idea.


> You punctuate like a spastic weasel in a cage of commas. Its very droppings 
> are ellipses. Your knowledge of correct hyphenation is abysmal. Do yourself 
> a favor. Buy "Elements of Style" by EB White. Read it. Love it. Memorize it. 
> Oh, and you have a bunch of long convoluted sentences. Most of them aren't 
> really a problem, but there's so many commas interspersed throughout that it 
> can get very difficult to read.

Hrm. English isn't my first language, and for the longest time I thought it natural to use ellipses to represent pauses. I'll see if I can find the book you mentioned, but since English books are a rare commodity in this part of the world, I may very well end up just doing my (re)learning from an online grammar resource instead. :(

Again, thanks for the comments. Very much appreciated indeed.
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