[FFML] [fanfic] Quack Experimental Fanfic Excel Fusion Z episode 4

[Nidoking]

Well, it's been long enough... sadly, this episode's been complete for 
well over a year, and has suffered from the usual dust-collection due to 
a combination of laziness and lack of prereader interest. Finally, I 
overcame both, and the fruits of my labor are below for your enjoyment. 
I'm hoping to get back into the swing of writing, but publishing is a 
good start.

For those wishing to review the earlier episodes, for whatever reason, 
visit http://www.anifics.com/hosted/nidoking/QEFEFZ.html





     Rikdo stormed into Nidoking's office and slammed a stack of
papers on the desk. "What is the meaning of this?"
     The chair spun around slowly, revealing a blond man wearing a
dark business suit with a sly smile. "Something I can help you
with?"
     Rikdo recoiled. "You're not Nidoking!"
     "Never said I was," replied the blond, leaning back in the
swivel chair and putting his feet on the desk, knocking the
"NIDOKING" plaque facedown with his heel.
     "Well, what are you doing at Nidoking's desk?" demanded the
manga author. "And when is he going to come back?"
     The blond took a puff from his cigarette. "He hired me to fill
in for him this chapter. Surprised you didn't get the memo."
     "Oh, I got the memo all right!" shouted Rikdo, pointing to the
stack of papers. "That's what I came to complain about!"
     "Well, I suppose I'm the one in charge from now on. The name's
Jack Hofner. I'm from L/R."
     "Are you the L, or the R?" Rikdo asked slyly.
     "Don't go there."
     Rikdo cleared his throat. "Look, I just want to know why
Nidoking is suddenly replacing all of the characters I already
approved. The story's not going to make any sense!"
     "Not that it ever did," Jack pointed out.
     "That's beside the point! What ever happened to artistic
integrity? What happened to the intent of my original work?"
     "I don't see that you really have a say in it anymore," said
Jack, putting his feet on the floor and leaning forward so that he
could gesture with his cigarette. "Think of it this way. First, you
wrote a manga called Excel Saga, right? Then this guy Shinichi
Watanabe made an anime that was a parody of your manga. Then
Nidoking wrote a fanfiction story that was a parody of the anime.
So, eventually, someone's got to write a parody of the fanfiction,
see? Nidoking just decided to take that job himself before anyone
else could do it."
     Rikdo scratched at the confused spiral tattoo on his forehead.
"I don't get it."
     Jack waved dismissively. "The point is that there are so many
layers between your original manga and this episode that
technically, he doesn't really need permission from you anymore.
Fair Use has to kick in sometime."
     "Then who gives permission for the episode if it's not me?"
asked Rikdo.
     "Your replacement," said Jack, pointing over Rikdo's shoulder.
     "My replacement?" Rikdo turned around to see a young high-school
aged student holding a sketchpad and a pen standing in the doorway.
"Who is this?"
     "You're a character just like the rest of them," said Jack,
puffing from his cigarette again. "Kazuki over there's filling in
for you this time around."
     "Sorry I'm late," said Kazuki. "I've still got five pages to
draw to meet my deadline."
     "No problemo, my brother," said Jack, pushing a paper across the
desk. "Just stamp here."
     Kazuki stiffened. "Don't call me that." He strode forward and
read the paper aloud as he raised his hanko above his head. "I,
Kazuki Sendou, hereby give my permission for Quack Experimental
Fanfic Excel Fusion Z to do a parody of Quack Experimental Fanfic
Excel Fusion Z!" A bolt of dramatic lightning framed him as he swung
the hanko down and left his mark on the contract.
     "And that takes care of that," said Jack, rolling the paper into
a tube and shoving it into a coat pocket. "Good luck with that
drawing thing."
     "Thanks," said Kazuki with a bow.
     "I was talking to him," said Jack, pointing at the charred husk
of Rikdo.
     Rikdo exhaled a mushroom cloud. "I should be glad I'm not
appearing in this episode...."
*************************************************

QUACK EXPERIMENTAL FANFIC EXCEL FUSION Z:
EPISODE 4: QUACK EXPERIMENTAL FANFIC QEFEFZ FUSION Z^2

*************************************************
     Two warriors strode into a large room and stopped in front of an
ornate throne. "Tolja we was gonna be early," said the boy. "Boss
ain't a-here yet."
     The girl removed her glasses, rubbed the lenses with her apron,
and replaced them on her face. She looked at the throne again and
blinked. "I think you're right."
     The boy sighed. "Land sakes, Taeko! Ya really hafta take a
second look? Pretty obvious ain't nobody sittin' in that there
chair!"
     "Sorry, Sacchan," she whimpered, cowering. "I just had to make
sure."
     "D'ya hafta call me that? Ya know I like bein' called Sasshi."
     "Okay, Sacchan."
     He shook his head and sat down heavily on the tiled floor.
"Y'know... Ah never really get the chance ta talk ta ya much when
Boss ain't listenin' in...."
     Taeko clasped her hands in front of her chest. "Oh! You're going
to confess your love for me?"
     He leapt to his feet and clapped a hand over her mouth. "Shhh!
Idjit! Ya wanna die or what?"
     "Smrry," she mumbled.
     He sighed again and released her. "What ah was tryin' ta say
is... d'ja ever stop an' think 'bout what we're really doin'? The
whole tryin' ta take over the world thing?"
     "I just follow orders and try not to screw up too badly."
     "Yeah, ain't much choice. Problem is... Ah been thinkin' maybe
we ain't the good guys 'roun' here."
     Her eyes filled with tears. "You think I've been a bad girl?"
     "Maybe we both have," he replied. "Maybe... we're workin' for
the side a evil."
     She chuckled. "Oh, come on! The boss isn't evil! What about all
that talk about love?"
     "What, ya mean, 'y'all must destroy all those who are in love'?"
     She hummed thoughtfully. "Is that what all those speeches were
about? I never paid much attention."
     "Ain't ya been listenin' ta our mission assignments?"
     She yawned. "I'm sorry. I just get so tired listening to all
that talking."
     He dealt her ankle a swift kick. "Well, stay awake! Boss ain't
gonna be happy if ya fall asleep again!"
     "But we have such a nice boss!"
     "Ya kiddin' me? She's a freakin' witch!"
     A bolt of lightning hit Sasshi, crisping him lightly. "A witch,
am I?" asked the tall robed woman who took her seat in the throne.
     Sasshi coughed nocently. "Well, that is... gawsh, ye're lookin'
keen today."
     Taeko saluted. "Hail, Lord Queen Raindevila!"
     "Thank you," said Raindevila. "It's good to know that someone
here knows her place."
     "Ah'll show YOU a place," mumbled the boy.
     Taeko prodded him. "Sacchan, don't do that! Lord Queen
Raindevila will be upset!"
     Raindevila cleared her throat. "Taeko dear... could you please
choose one title and use it? 'Lord Queen Raindevila' sounds a bit
strange."
     Taeko saluted again. "As you wish, Lord Queen Raindevila!"
     "Ya know, ya could always just zap her 'til she gets the hint,"
suggested her partner.
     Raindevila pointed her staff at him and gave him another dose of
electricity. "I can handle my affairs without assistance from
subordinates, Satoshi. Is that clear?"
     Sasshi collapsed.
     "I suppose he needed more sleep after all," said Taeko. "I'm
sorry, Sacchan. I just get so anxious to wake up early on days like
today!"
     "Do you have something planned for today other than your
mission?" asked Raindevila.
     Taeko shook her head and smiled. "Not really. I was just feeling
really good and couldn't stand to lie in bed when there was a sun
outside and the weather was so -"
     "Stop that," snapped Raindevila. "I won't tolerate that sort of
behavior in my presence!"
     "Ain't fair," groaned Sasshi. "Ya never zap her. It's always me
that gets zapped."
     Raindevila displayed an unexpected restraint as well as a
general disdain for punchlines by not zapping him a third time.
     "So, what's the mission for today, Lord Queen Raindevila?" Taeko
asked eagerly.
     Raindevila started to answer, but a blond man appeared at the
side of her throne and saluted. "Queen Raindevila, I bring important
news!"
     Raindevila looked him up and down. "What news?"
     "General Nidoking has finished reading the eighth book of Excel
Saga," Jack Hofner reported. "He is excited about the prospects it
will have for the manga parody episode."
     Raindevila nodded and waved him away. "Very well. Back to your
post."
     Jack saluted again and left the room.
     "Who the heck was that?" asked Sasshi.
     Raindevila sniffed authoritatively. "One of my many nameless
minions."
     "What was he talking about?" asked Taeko. "Who's Nidoking, and
what's Excel Saga?"
     "Are you questioning me?" challenged Raindevila.
     "Ah thought he was some random guy who jest walked in here, said
a buncha nonsense, and y'all probly don't even know who he was or
what he was sayin'."
     Raindevila glared at him, her eyebrow twitching furiously. When
she'd finally regained the faculty to respond, her answer carried
several thousand volts and left Sasshi a smoking heap on the floor
once again.
     "The truth hurts," he mumbled.
     "You probably shouldn't say or do anything anymore," advised
Taeko. "It just makes Lord Queen Raindevila mad."
     "Ah may jest do that," said Sasshi.
     Raindevila beckoned to someone in the darkness. "Let me
introduce you to your partner for this mission."
     "Aw, man!" groaned Sasshi. "Not another one a them stupid
monsters-a-the-day!"
     "This is no ordinary monster," said Raindevila. "This one has
been outfitted with the very latest in covert weapons technology."
     "An' all the ones we've worked with so far were obsolete when ya
gave 'em to us?"
     Raindevila silenced him with a quick blast of electricity as the
figure of the monster-of-the-day came into view. The sullen girl was
dressed in an elaborate maid's outfit and carried a mop and a bucket
of water. "Good morning," she said with a curt bow. "My name is
Konoe."
     Sasshi blinked. "A maid? Are we finally cleanin' up this
rathole?"
     Raindevila favored him with another shock, narrowly missing
Taeko as she ran to Konoe's side and rubbed the apron between her
fingers. "Wow! What a lovely uniform! Where did you get it?"
     "It's mine," Konoe said sharply.
     "I always wanted to be a maid," Taeko continued regretfully,
"but nobody would ever hire me. Do you mind if I try out your mop?"
Without waiting for a response, Taeko grabbed the mop from Konoe's
hand, dunked the business end in the bucket, and scrubbed at a
particularly dirty part of the floor.
     Raindevila cleared her throat. "Do return that mop to Konoe,
Taeko. As I said earlier, it is the peak of our covert weapons
technology. The handle itself -"
     "Oh, here you go," said Taeko, thrusting the handle at Konoe.
The tip brushed Konoe's apron, which instantly burst into flame.
     "- is a powerful taser," Raindevila continued belatedly.
     "Oh no!" shouted Taeko, grabbing the bucket. She quickly
splashed the water on Konoe's front, dousing the flames. Konoe was
already glaring at Taeko as first her apron, then the rest of the
uniform developed holes that grew until they had dissolved every
stitch of her outer clothing.
     "The water in the bucket, when splashed, becomes a concentrated
acid," said Raindevila. "We elected to reduce its potency so that it
only dissolves clothing, as it is difficult to subjugate citizens
who are no more than melted puddles of flesh."
     "Ah'd love ta subjugate me summa THAT flesh," said Sasshi,
trying to conceal his nosebleed with his hands.
     Konoe blushed. "I should go don my spare uniform."
     "I'm SO sorry," Taeko apologized as the maid left.
     "Taeko, in the future, leave the tools in the hands of the
monsters," advised Raindevila. "You have a clearly defined role in
the hierarchy, and it does not involve weapons in any way."
     "I know," Taeko sighed. "I clean the toilets and scrub the
floors." She solemnly picked up a bottle of soap, squirted some of
it into the bucket, and swished it around with the taser-mop.
     "Did you just hear a word I said?" asked Raindevila.
     "Of course I did!" said Taeko, enthusiastically mopping the
floor. "I'm scrubbing the floor, which is my job, right?"
     "Those tools are not for cleaning!" spat Raindevila. "I just
finished telling you that the mop and bucket are Konoe's weapons!"
     Taeko froze. "Oh, yeah. I just got confused because I love this
mop so much, and - hey, my feet are stuck!"
     Raindevila groaned and pressed a palm to her forehead. "The soap
is also one of the covert weapons. When mixed with water and spread
on a floor, it creates a small puddle of quicksand, handy for
ensnaring unsuspecting citizens who are careless enough to walk
across newly cleaned floors... and idiot subordinates who are stupid
enough to use it as soap."
     "I'm sorry," Taeko said yet again as she sank. "But given who's
writing this story, I think this scene was inevitable sooner or
later."
     "Ya might wanna think about gettin' outta that stuff," advised
Sasshi. "How deep is it, anyway?"
     "I don't recall that formula having a bottom," replied
Raindevila.
     "Why do you suppose it's called quicksand, anyway?" asked Taeko,
scooping up a handful of floor and watching it sift through her
fingers. "It's not really quick. It doesn't go anywhere at all, let
alone quickly. And in Japanese, it's 'dragon sand'. That makes even
less sense. How is sand anything like a dragon?"
     "'Cause if ya don't shut yer mouth, it'll swallow ya," supplied
Sasshi. "Say, Boss, ya think it'd be a problem if we didn't bother
ta rescue her?"
     "That's so cruel!" sobbed Taeko.
     "Subordinates who have no hope of finding love are difficult to
come by," said Raindevila. "I would prefer that she remain alive, at
least until the end of this mission."
     Sasshi glared at her for the less-than-subtle insult and held
out his hand. "C'mon, Tae. Ah'll pull ya outta there."
     "I'm sorry about this," Taeko said yet again, holding the mop
out for him to grab.
     As his fingers closed about the tip of the handle, his body went
into convulsions. It took a few seconds for his slow reflexes to
coerce his muscles into letting go. "Can't ya turn the dang thing
off before Ah get electrocuted?"
     "I don't know how," Taeko confessed. "But I think I've stopped
sinking! My chest must be more buoyant than I thought."
     "It's inflatable, ain't it?"
     "It is not!" she shouted back. "They're real, and they're
SPECTACULAR." She stuck her tongue out at him, and a hand grabbed
her strongest muscle and hauled her out of the floor in a quick
motion. Taeko turned to face her rescuer, her aching tongue still
protruding. "Fanguu."
     "Kindly return my mop, Miss Taeko," said Konoe, holding out her
hand expectantly.
     "I'm sorry," said Taeko. "But it is a lovely mop."
     "Better tell her which end ta hand ya," advised Sasshi. "She'll
bone it up fer sure."
     Konoe's hand froze inches from the handle of the mop, and she
slowly backed away.
     "Here is your mission," said Raindevila, handing Konoe a flyer.
"This government building is advertising positions for custodial
staff. You will infiltrate the building by accepting these jobs and
foment chaos from within. And as always, if you see people in love,
you must destroy them!"
     "All right!" cheered Taeko. "I always wanted to be a janitor!"
     "Hold it!" shouted an indignant voice. Kazuki Sendou stepped
into the middle of the scene. "As the representative of the original
author, I have to point out that this plot dates all the way back to
the anime! You can't just rehash old material!"
     Raindevila promptly fried him with electricity.
     "All right!" cheered Sasshi. "Someone other than me got zapped
for once!"
     "Say, that's what you've always wanted, isn't it?" asked Taeko,
playfully poking him with the tip of the mop. He shuddered and
collapsed. "Oops. Sorry about that...."
     "Ah really oughtta've developed an immunity to electricity by
now...."
     Taeko turned guiltily away and hunched her shoulders.
     "Must these two accompany me on the mission?" asked Konoe. "I'm
certain I could handle it better on my own."
     "Hey!" Sasshi protested. "Tae's the screw-up!"
     "I want all three of you to go on this mission, and that's
final," Raindevila said firmly. Then her face fell. "Taeko, what do
you think you're doing?"
     "The floor under this throne is really dirty!" replied Taeko as
she bent down to reach under Raindevila's seat. "It probably hasn't
been mopped in weeks!"
     Raindevila quickly leapt out of the throne to solid ground
seconds before the floor swallowed it.
     Taeko blushed. "Oh, yeah. I forgot about that."
     Raindevila turned to Sasshi and Konoe with an air of authority
and what little dignity she had left. "I forbid you to leave that
walking disaster in my headquarters with me!"
     Sasshi shrugged. "Ya could always, y'know, FIRE her or
somethin'."
     Raindevila blasted Sasshi with fire - just to be different.
     "Oh no! Sacchan's on fire!" shouted Taeko, quickly scooping up a
nearby bucket of water to splash on him.
     "Tae, don't!" Sasshi shouted as she swung the bucket. Much to
the relief of male readers everywhere (and a number of females), he
threw himself to the floor just in time, leaving only Konoe in the
water's path. She barely had time to give the hapless girl another
taste of her angry glare before her clothes dissolved again.
     "Oh no!" cried Taeko. "I'm so sorry! Really, I am!" She quickly
backed away from the seething maid, only to trip over a crack in the
floor, swinging the bucket as she fell. This time, it was Raindevila
who got soaked.
     Raindevila's eyes burned with vengeance as her majestic robes
became majestic handkerchiefs on their way to becoming majestic
dissociated cloth atoms. "Get out! Out! OUT!"
     The three ran from the room before Raindevila's wrath could take
electrical form.
*************************************************
     Jack leaned back in Nidoking's desk and deposited a book in the
outbox. "Volume nine looks pretty interesting," he decided. "Looks
like Nido's going to have a field day with that one." He looked up
into the sky. "What do you think, boss? Think you'll be able to
write any more before book ten comes out?" There was no reply. "Ah,
right. You're not in this chapter."
     He casually flipped open the box of cigars, extracted one, and
lit it. "You don't mind, do you? After all, I know you don't smoke."
Suddenly thinking better of it, he flicked the cigar across the
room, where it promptly exploded in a mess of ash. "Right. You're
the boss."
*************************************************
     "This sucks," the young woman announced to her coworkers as she
pushed herself away from the table, leaned back in her chair, and
crossed her arms.
     "Eh, what can you do?" asked the man sitting across from her.
"Government work is all about paperwork. That's what they pay us to
do."
     "Are they paying you?" she asked, her eyebrows rising in
surprise.
     He glumly buried his face in his papers. "It's an expression."
     She sighed. "Stop doing that," she muttered under her breath.
"I'm a GUY, dammit." She - I mean he - took a deep breath, grabbed a
stamp, and returned to the mountain of forms.
     "You have to look on the bright side, Shun."
     "There's a bright side?" she - I mean he - asked.
     "At least you've got a job. And look at the people we get to
work with!" He stood up and put his arm around the shoulders of the
woman sitting next to him. The collar of her trenchcoat dug into his
chin uncomfortably, but he smiled until the barrel of a pistol
passed between his lips.
     "Hands off, Carrot," she said without looking.
     "Yeph ma'am," Carrot hastily agreed. He sat back down and slyly
shoved a small stack of papers into the redhead's pile. "The point
is, how many jobs do you get to work side by side with beautiful
women?"
     The woman on Carrot's left wagged her finger disapprovingly.
"Now, now! Perverted thoughts are bad! You can't possibly
concentrate on your work if you're concentrating on women!"
     "What Mahoro said," agreed Shun. "Besides, Forte's the only
human in the bunch. Mahoro's an android, and the other one is...."
She - I mean he - turned to look at the green-haired girl at the far
end of the table. "What the heck are you, anyway?"
     The girl looked up and smiled brightly. "That's plenty!"
     "Do you pay any attention when people are talking to you?"
     "You're welcome!"
     "That's what happens when you try to build someone out of wood,"
said Carrot. "She comes out wrong in the head."
     "Hinano is not wrong in the head!" Hinano protested. "That's NOT
plenty!" She stuck her tongue out at him and pulled an eyelid down.
     "If you all don't mind, I'd like to get my work done," Mahoro
said patiently.
     "You're just stamping forms," Shun pointed out.
     "But each form needs to be carefully read before we can stamp
it," explained Mahoro. "We need to ensure that we keep the city's
best interests in mind when we ratify -"
     "My way's faster," said Carrot, spreading a stack of papers
across the table and quickly stamping them all.
     Mahoro gasped. "You don't even know what those are! You could be
approving huge tax increases or the demolishing of orphanages!"
     Carrot picked up one of the papers and read it. "'It is hereby
instated that all copies of the "Harry Potter" series of books shall
be removed from the shelves of the public library.' Yeah, that's a
real menace to society."
     "It's an abridgement of free speech!" Mahoro shouted as best her
constant-volume voice would allow.
     "No, it's about wizards and magic," Carrot replied. "The less
kids know about that stuff, the better. The last thing we need is
MORE sorcerers wandering around casting spells on people."
     "Hinano is here because of a sorcerer!" Hinano announced.
     "That's another reason," agreed Carrot.
     Mahoro fumed and picked up one of the papers in her stack.
"Well, look at this one! The mayor wants to allocate funds to the
Lemon Creamery!"
     "That tavern with the in-house bakery?" asked Shun.
     "That's the Creamy Lemon," said Mahoro. "The Lemon Creamery is a
house of iniquity!"
     "More like a house of ANtiquity, with the saggy old bags they've
got working there now," Carrot quipped.
     "And you know about them how, exactly?" asked Shun, her - I mean
his - eyes narrowing with curiosity.
     Carrot glanced at Mahoro and swallowed. "I saw it on TV."
     Shun and Mahoro turned to glare at the television at the end of
the table opposite Hinano. [What?] it replied innocently, the words
scrolling across its screen. [I didn't tell him. I've never even
been down H Street.]
     "Who ever said it was on H Street?" Mahoro asked triumphantly.
     The screen flickered nervously. [I watched the same program.]
     "You're welcome!" Hinano said cheerfully.
     Carrot sighed. "You can be so dense sometimes, TV."
     [... I'll eat you.]
     Forte's ears twitched.
     Mahoro cleared her throat. "In any case," she announced, "this
proposal must be denied!" She grabbed a stamp, pressed it to the
page, and shrieked. "Accepted? But that's not -!" She stared at the
stamp in her hand, then at the one on the table. "Someone switched
them!"
     Carrot shrugged. "Well, it's got Mahoro's stamp of approval on
it, so it must be a good proposal. I'll just run this up to the
mayor's office and -" He quickly snatched up the paper before Mahoro
could stop him and ran for the door, only to trip over the
diminutive figure who had just entered the room unnoticed.
     The pink girl's head slowly turned until its emotionless face
stared down at Carrot. "You wanted something?"
     "I just had a proposal to hand you, all stamped off!" said
Carrot. But all that he was holding was a dotted outline, indicating
where the paper had been. "Hey, where'd it go?"
     "Waccha?" mused Hinano as she examined the paper she'd snatched
from Carrot's hands. She picked up her stamp and pressed it down on
the paper, covering Mahoro's ACCEPTED stamp with a REJECTED stamp.
"That's plenty!" she exclaimed, pleased with her handiwork.
     Mahoro heaved a sigh of relief.
     The newcomer watched all of this, her expression resembling
nothing so much as a squashed frog, then turned back to Carrot. "You
wanted something?" it repeated.
     Carrot shook his head. "No, Ma'am!"
     The girl slowly blinked, then swiveled her head until she was
facing the table again. "Council meeting," she announced.
     "What about it?" asked Forte.
     "We're having one."
     "We as in us? Here? In this room?"
     The girl's head turned to Carrot again. "Are you going to join
us?" she asked with a malicious glint in her eye.
     Carrot immediately scrambled over the table and into his seat.
     The girl climbed onto the table and sat down. "Okay, time for
the first order of business." She cupped her handless arms around
her mouth. "Miyuki, tea," she said in exactly the same monotone.
     A flustered girl in a school uniform burst through the door,
carrying a tray with several teacups surrounding a steaming teapot.
"Here you are, Miss Guu."
     Guu grabbed Miyuki and swallowed her whole, tray and all. "It's
not warm enough," she said, burping quietly.
     "That's plenty!" Hinano said cheerfully.
     Guu turned her head completely around to glare disdainfully at
Hinano, who smiled cheerily back. Guu's head continued to turn in
the same direction until she was facing the rest of the table again.
     Everyone waited in silence, too afraid to make a sound.
Fortunately, that didn't prevent TV from asking [What is this
meeting about?]
     Guu continued to stare blankly. Finally, she casually reached
into her mouth and pulled out the tea tray, complete with all of its
original contents. "Tea?"
     Forte groaned. "You didn't come all the way down here just to
offer us tea. That's not your style."
     "Does she even HAVE a style?" Carrot asked suspiciously.
     Guu stared at Carrot just long enough to make him squirm. "I
want you to meet someone."
     "Is she cute?" asked Carrot. Forte sighed.
     "That's up to you," said Guu. She opened her mouth wide and
disgorged a rather slimy individual... who also happened to be
dripping with saliva. He seemed not to mind this very much, even as
it dripped into his open mouth, which was nearly wide enough to
rival Guu's.
     The slobbery man swiveled his head to peer down at Hinano.
"Hello, Hinarin."
     Hinano snorted and turned away, crossing her arms indignantly.
"NOT plenty!"
     "We already know Dr. Kimura," said Shun.
     "I didn't say he was the one I wanted you to meet," Guu pointed
out. "Kimmy, show them."
     Dr. Kimura stared blankly at Guu, who stared blankly back. "Who
are you?" he asked.
     Guu smiled, changing her face into a simpering ball of cute.
"Pretty pleeeeeease, Doctor Kimmy?"
     Dr. Kimura blinked in surprise, finally closing his mouth.
"Well, um... I suppose I could...." He pushed his glasses up. "Multi
dear, come here, please!"
     A green-haired girl peered through the doorway apprehensively.
"Hello? You wanted to see me, sir?"
     Dr. Kimura glanced down at Guu, who had returned to her
squashed-frog face. She nodded slowly. He cleared his throat.
"Multi, come in here and meet the people you'll be working with."
     The girl stepped into the room and curtsied politely. "Um, how
do you do, everyone? My name is Multi. I'm an all-purpose android."
     "Another one?" moaned Carrot. "This place is going to the
robots! What are they trying to do, replace all of us with
automatons?"
     "You're fired," said Guu. She leaned over and clamped her mouth
around his head.
     "You probably don't want to do that," Carrot advised. "Remember
what happens when you try to eat me."
     Guu slowly retracted her lips. "That could be messy," she
agreed.
     [I'll eat him,] offered TV.
     "Do it!" cheered Forte.
     "Um..." squeaked Multi. "Are you guys fighting?"
     Dr. Kimura put his hands on her shoulders. "Multi dear, it's
customary to take your clothes off when meeting new people."
     Multi's face turned beet red. "Um... okay. If you say so,
Doctor." She reached down to her waist and started to pull her shirt
up while everyone else watched, too shocked to say anything. "Is
this enough?" she asked, her voice muffled by the shirt that covered
her face and, just barely, her chest.
     "That's plenty!" cheered Hinano.
     "Okay," said Multi, letting her shirt fall back into place.
     Dr. Kimura's jaw dropped. He stared at his creation, trying to
come up with a new way to trick her into disrobing without seeming
too obvious.
     Guu swallowed him.
     A shrill scream emanated from Guu's stomach. "Get away from me,
you pervert!"
     "Miyuki, I always thought you'd look better in something a
little less...."
     "I'll leave you all to get acquainted," said Guu, sliding off
the table. She scuttled out the door, taking the impending sexual
harassment suit in her gut with her.
     Multi shuffled her feet uncomfortably as she became the room's
center of attention.
     "So..." Shun ventured. "What exactly do you do?"
     "Um...." Multi shuffled her feet.
     "Do you have any skills?" asked Forte. "Some reason the chief
wanted you working with us?"
     "Does she have a reason for anything she does?" asked Carrot.
     Multi continued wearing a hole into the carpet. "Um...."
     "Can you stamp paperwork?" asked Carrot.
     Multi timidly stepped up to the table and picked up two of the
rubber stamps. Her hands flew as she pressed them down over and
over, leaving thousands of marks in the span of an eyeblink.
     "Not bad," assessed Forte as Carrot collapsed in a pool of ink.
"Next time, try stamping the papers."
     "I'm sorry," Multi apologized. "I'm new at this." She meekly sat
in Carrot's chair and picked up a nearby teacup to hide her face.
She took a small sip and gagged. "I don't think this is tea...."
     "You're welcome!" Hinano cried.
*************************************************
     Jack looked up from his desk as the sound of typing from the
room behind him stopped. "Huh? What's going on?"
     Kazuki was at his side in a second. "He's reading the tenth
book."
     "Already?" asked Jack. "Man, that guy has pacing problems."
     "On the contrary," replied Kazuki. "He left a few pages until he
finished the previous scene, just so he wouldn't have to break up
the scene to say he'd read it."
     "I guess that makes sense," said Jack. "Think he noticed they
linked his favorite website - other than his own - in the editor's
notes?"
     "Probably. I know he's a big fan of their in-jokes and tongue-
in-cheek humor."
     "Should be pretty obvious from reading this story."
     Kazuki shrugged. "By the way... what are all those burn marks in
the carpet over there?"
     Jack pulled a cigar out of the box. "I keep hoping I'll find one
that doesn't explode." He threw the cigar across the room, where it
blew up a potted plant.
     Kazuki hid under his jacket to shield himself from the flying
dirt. "You didn't even light that one!"
     "Scary, isn't it?" asked Jack. He looked left, looked right,
then slid the entire box into his coat. "I think I can use these."
*************************************************
     "Can we stop NOW?" Konoe asked impatiently as Taeko and Sasshi
led her past storefronts at a brisk pace.
     "How much d'ya like electricity?" asked Sasshi. "'Cause if ya
stop now, ye're gonna be full of it."
     Konoe prodded him with the handle of her mop, filling him with
electricity. "We've run far enough. Now, I need some clothes."
     "Ah think ye're fine without 'em," said Sasshi, turning to stare
at her bra-and-panties-clad form.
     She zapped him again.
     "I know a costume shop near here," offered Taeko. "They've got
great maid outfits there."
     "It doesn't have to be a maid outfit. I'd like to dress
normally," said Konoe, hefting her bucket.
     "Oh. Well, then this probably isn't the place you want to go,"
said Taeko, grabbing Konoe's arm and dragging her along.
     Sasshi limped after them. "Jest... one more... splash...."
     Taeko rounded the corner and led the way into a small costume
shop. "Mama Uzuki! I'm back!" she called out.
     A blonde princess with two long ponytails poking out from
beneath her crown stepped out from behind a rack of Power Rangers
outfits and curtsied. "Madam Taeko, I presume? It's lovely to see
you again!" She took Konoe's hand and kissed it. "And you bring me
such a lovely concubine."
     Konoe snatched her hand back. "I'm no concubine! I'm a trained
warrior specializing in combat tools!"
     "Gotcha!" shouted Uzuki, garbing Konoe in a long white robe and
pair of thick glasses before she realized what was happening.
     Konoe held up her arms, spilling a plethora of knives from the
baggy sleeves. "What is this?"
     "It's a pretty popular costume," replied Uzuki cheerfully. "That
one's... Jokey-zoku or something like that. It's a weird name, but
you can't argue with the storage space."
     Konoe reached up to remove the glasses, sending a Volkswagen
Beetle across the room. "I don't think I can wear this."
     "Yeah, my shop kinda gets trashed whenever anyone tries that one
on," agreed Uzuki. "I should get rid of it."
     "Well, take it off!" said Konoe, reaching around back to pull
the robe off. A copy of the Xenosaga script printed on tissue paper
flew out of her sleeve and smacked Sasshi in the face, knocking him
to the floor in a pool of blood.
     "Wow, and that was just the first cutscene," said Taeko.
     "Don't worry about him," said Uzuki. "I've got plenty of mummy
costumes we can bandage him with."
     Konoe finally wriggled out of the voluminous robe, stepped out
of the knee-deep pile of random objects, and handed the costume back
to Uzuki. "I need something more functional."
     "A robot costume?" asked Uzuki.
     Konoe reached around her and grabbed a ninja costume from a
rack. "This one is perfect."
     Uzuki frowned. "That one's not nearly as much fun, though!"
     Taeko stepped forward. "I could probably use a new maid outfit,
if you have any in stock."
     "Do we!" Uzuki leapt toward the requested costume, tripped over
a rubber bone, and stumbled, latching onto Taeko's breasts to break
her fall. "Oooh... feels like the pills I gave you did the trick!"
     "Pills?" asked Sasshi, wiping the blood from his face with a
lace dress. "What pills?"
     Uzuki spun Taeko around and pointed to her breasts. "You see the
size of these things?"
     Sasshi snorted. "Ah knew she was takin' breast enhancement
pills!"
     Taeko blushed. "Actually," she mumbled, "... they were breast
reduction pills."
     Sasshi blinked. "Ya mean... they useta be BIGGER?"
     Taeko nodded. "Mama Uzuki's pills shrank them by six centimeters
and two cup sizes."
     Sasshi's eyes grew six centimeters and two cup sizes as he
imagined it. "WHY?"
     Taeko cupped her breasts. "They were so big that they threw off
my balance. I had trouble walking without falling down."
     "Ya still fall down every two steps," said Sasshi.
     "I do not!" shouted Taeko, turning around and falling flat on
her face before she could take a single step.
     "Right. Sorry, mah mistake."
     "It's not my fault!" Taeko whined. "I tripped over this book!"
     Sasshi picked up the offending tome. "Excel Saga book 11? Whatta
piece a junk!" He threw the book over his shoulder, and it circled
around and smacked him in the back of the head.
     Somewhere, a character who no longer existed in the story
sneezed.
     "Whatever," said Sasshi. "C'mon, let's go. We got a bunch a
stuff ta do and the chapter's already draggin'."
     "Dragon? Where?" Taeko asked excitedly.
     Sasshi grabbed her ear and dragged her out of the building.
     Uzuki turned around and searched for Konoe, but there was no
sign of her. "Looks like that ninja outfit really worked," she said.
"Sometimes, I amaze even myself! And it was a bargain at only -" Her
voice trailed off. "Wait a minute... they didn't pay!" With fire in
her eyes, she grabbed a magical girl costume from a flowery display
and ran out the door. "Nobody steals from Pocky Pixie Uzuki!
NOBODY!"
*************************************************
     The office door opened, and Guu shuffled in. "The mayor wants to
see you," she announced.
     The stamp dropped from Carrot's hand, leaving an APPROVED mark
on the bill banning the sale of pornographic magazines. "The mayor?
But he never allows anyone in his office!"
     Guu shrugged. "You're all supposed to go. Except for you," she
added, pointing at Shun.
     "Me?" she - I mean he - asked. "What did I do?"
     "You got the lowest rating on the reader opinion poll,"
explained Guu.
     "How could there be a reader opinion poll?" shouted Shun. "The
chapter isn't even finished yet!"
     "You are the weakest link," said Guu. "Wish your replacement
good luck." She swallowed Shun in a single bite and spat up a
scrawny blond boy. "This is Mitsuo." She scuttled out of the room to
the sound of screams from her stomach as Dr. Kimura discovered the
true gender of his new companion.
     Everyone turned to stare at the dripping boy, who shrank from
their gazes with a blush.
     "Do you DO anything?" asked Forte.
     "I see dead people," Mitsuo whispered. "And they make me kiss
other boys."
     Carrot quickly hid behind Mahoro.
     Mahoro waggled her finger disapprovingly. "Boys shouldn't kiss
boys! That's dirty!"
     "That's what I tell the ghosts!" said Mitsuo. "But you don't
know what it's like! They take over me and control me like a
puppet!"
     "Well, you'll fit right in here," said Carrot. "We're all just
puppets of the government. Some of us more than others...."
     "You're welcome!" Hinano exclaimed.
     [Shouldn't we be going to meet the mayor?] asked TV.
     Mitsuo blinked. "Did that TV just ask us a question?"
     "Just pretend it's normal," advised Carrot. "You're not supposed
to notice weird things."
     "It's not haunted, is it?" Mitsuo asked nervously.
     "You'd better hope not," said Carrot. "It's our roommate."
     [Boo,] said TV.
     Mitsuo screamed and dove under the table.
     Forte grabbed the seat of Mitsuo's pants and dragged him out.
"Quit clowning around, boys. We don't want to keep the mayor
waiting."
     Mahoro nodded. "Not even for a commercial break."
*************************************************
CARROT: Does it bother anyone else that they randomly replaced a
character in the middle of a chapter?
FORTE: Shhhh! We NEED that fourth wall!
HINANO: That's plenty!

@@@COMMERCIAL BREAK@@@

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car-fresh smell. Stink-No-More - MY cat's poop don't stink.

Excel Saga books 1-12 on shelves now. A long-awaited confession...
and a long-lost father revealed. Excel Saga - making sense just
can't be this funny.

When cows die, they go to Burger Heaven. Come on in and find out
why. Burger Heaven - even angels don't eat this well.

Do any of these commercials sound familiar to you? They should,
because they're short and memorable. It's called a slogan, and every
product needs one to make it stick in your buyer's mind. Think about
it... when your buyer wants a product, aren't they going to choose
the one that leaps subliminally to mind? If you don't have a slogan,
you'd better be pretty damn cheap, or nobody's going to choose you.
That's why United Slogans Incorporated, Limited are here, working
around the clock to generate the best possible slogan for your
product. If your product doesn't sell after you spread your new
slogan around... it's just a lousy product.

For all your slogan needs, choose United Slogans Inc. Ltd. - Sorry,
we're too busy to come up with one of our own.

@@@

You've read Excel Saga - well, the first 13 books, anyway. You've
watched Quack Experimental Anime Excel Saga. Now, wackiness enters a
new dimension - a dimension where characters from all over the anime
multiverse come together... for no reason whatsoever.

 > The safe fell onto its side as Yakumo climbed to his feet. "Are
 > you saying THERE IS NO PLOT?"
 >
 > Nidoking's eyes darted from side to side. "Well, I never actually
 > SAID that, as such...."

A dimension where the only thing you can trust is that you can't
trust anything.

 > Rally dubiously picked up a glass and eyed it carefully, as if
 > afraid the mere sight of it might be enough to cause her permanent
 > damage. "This stuff can't be safe to drink."
 >
 > "I don't think our employer would knowingly kill us so
 > haphazardly," said Bloodberry.
 >
 > "Of course not," agreed Xellos jovially. "I'd use a chainsaw."

A dimension of one-liners, quick jokes, and horrible, horrible puns.

 > "Say, Yacchan?"
 >
 > Yakumo sighed in exasperation. "What, Mihoshi?"
 >
 > "Where do people go when they die?"
 >
 > "Why are you asking m- oh."

A dimension where anything can happen... unless it makes sense.

 > Zenigata nodded and pulled a cord, unrolling the screen on the
 > wall. "Here's what we know so far," he announced, flipping the
 > switch that turned the lights off.
 >
 > There was a long silence.
 >
 > "Well, aren't you going to turn on the projector?" asked Rally.
 >
 > "I don't have a projector," replied Zenigata. "This is just an
 > ordinary police box."

A dimension wrapped up in a story inside a tortilla shell of pure
madness.

 >  Mihoshi pointed to the computer screen. "This E-mail says my pen
 > is too small to please women, and I need a bigger one."

A dimension known as... Quack Experimental Fanfic Excel Fusion Z.
Read it if you dare, or someone else dares you. I dare you.

http://nidoking.anifics.com/QEFEFZ.html

@@@BACK TO THE SHOW@@@

UZUKI: By chocolate-covered wafer sticks, in a variety of flavors
for every lifestyle, justice will be done!
*************************************************
     "You know, I just realized that we've never been here before,"
said Carrot, pausing with his hands on the giant double doors that
led into the mayor's mysterious office.
     "You're just expositing," said Forte, pushing the doors open and
sending Carrot flying into the room. While the doors had towered
over them, the room within was tiny, and almost completely taken up
by the mayor's desk. Standing to either side of the desk, several
paces away so as not to obscure the ludicrously long nameplate, were
two imposing figures; young men who appeared to lack the muscle
usually associated with bodyguards, but carried themselves with such
confidence that they exuded an aura of skill beyond measure. Mitsuo
whimpered at the sight of them.
     Carrot fell on top of the desk, hitting his head on the back of
the mayor's chair, which was inexplicably turned away from the door.
     A hand waved at them from the chair. "Please, come in. I've been
expecting you."
     Carrot stood up. "Uh, sure. So what's this about?"
     "I'm told that there may be some disturbances in our building
today," said the mayor, still facing away from the group. "I'm
putting your team in charge of dealing with them."
     "Sounds good to me," said Forte. "I've been wondering when we'd
get out from behind our desks." She gave her knuckles a firm crack.
     "Now, now!" Mahoro scolded her. "We mustn't fight! It would be
better to try to resolve our differences peacefully!"
     "You're welcome!" chirped Hinano.
     "So, what else do we know?" asked Carrot, hoping to steer the
meeting back on course.
     "That's it," replied the mayor. "Now, go do your jobs."
     "That's it?" repeated Carrot. "You called us all up to your
office just to tell us that?"
     "Well, that wasn't the entire purpose for this visit," the mayor
admitted. "I think it's important to get to know the people who are
working for me. Meet face to face, you know?"
     "I suppose so," Forte said to the back of the mayor's chair.
     "These are my associates, Ichigo Kurosaki and Killua," said the
mayor, motioning toward his bodyguards. "They may be able to help
you in some way. But since they spend all their time in my office,
it's not likely."
     "So... they don't really serve any purpose?" asked Carrot.
     "That one doesn't look like he could do much of anything
anyway," scoffed Forte, pointing at Killua.
     Before anyone could blink, Killua had his hand at Forte's
throat, his fingers stiff in preparation for an unfathomable
deathblow. However, Ichigo was faster still, blocking Killua's
attack with his sword with such speed that light seemed like an old
lady in the fast lane by comparison. Ichigo slowly shook his head,
and Killua backed down. The two of them were back at their posts
before Forte could fall down.
     "Okay, that was something," said Carrot. "So, why are they
standing up here while we fight off the intruders?"
     "These guys attract the ladies," replied the mayor.
     Carrot glanced at his companions, none of whom seemed
particularly interested in either of the men, and shrugged.
     Mitsuo screamed and dove behind Mahoro.
     "Delayed reaction much?" asked Forte.
     "That's plenty!" cheered Hinano.
     "Should the intruders actually reach my office, which is likely
given what a bunch of rejects you all are, these two will take care
of them," said the mayor. "But none of us want that to happen, do
we?"
     [No sir!] said TV.
     "I judge by your silence that you appreciate the magnitude of
the situation," said the mayor. "Or that my bodyguards actually did
kill you all in that scuffle. Either way, you know what your job is.
Now go do it."
     The crew backed out of the room, bowing as they went even though
the mayor still wasn't looking at them, and closed the door. Those
members who needed to breathe did so deeply.
     "So that was the guy?" asked Carrot. "That was the famous mayor
of F City?"
     "Obviously some kind of alien," said Forte. "That's why he never
lets anyone see his face."
     "M-maybe he's just a ghost," suggested Mitsuo. "That orange-
haired one, he was a ghost."
     Carrot shook his head. "Nah. If he was a ghost, he'd have been
human once. And that name was definitely not a human name. That was
an alien name."
     [#############] said TV. [Drat... it won't even fit on my
screen.]
     "How the heck did it even fit on the ballot?" asked Carrot.
     "Was he elected?" asked Forte. "I don't remember ever having an
election. I think there were some spaceships, and weird beams of
light..."
     A weird beam of light shone on her head.
     "... then again, I'm pretty sure I voted for him," Forte finished.
     "You're welcome!" cheered Hinano.
     "Can we get the puppet replaced?" asked Carrot. "Please?"
*************************************************
     "So, where do you want to go today?" asked Taeko. "I'm thinking
Arby's."
     Sasshi grabbed the red hat outline floating above her head and
snapped it in half. "Fer the last time, we ain't playin' that stupid
slogan game!"
     "Besides, Arby's is not our designated destination," said Konoe.
"We are to proceed to the municipal building for our assignments."
     "Oh, right!" said Taeko, instantly cheering up. "Our first real
jobs as janitors!"
     "They ain't gonna be real jobs," Sasshi reminded her. "We're
gonna be spyin', remember?"
     "Nope!"
     Sasshi groaned. "She can't remember a damn thing that don't
involve cleaning. And she can't remember half a that, either."
     "I'd like to say something cogent here," said Konoe, "which
means that we're about to be interrupted."
     "You got that right!" shouted an excited voice from a nearby
roof. Three young girls leapt to the street and struck poses in
front of the group. "We're the Loli Angels!" announced the dark-
haired one in the middle as the wok strapped to her back settled
into place.
     "Dr. Kimura doesn't want you three getting too close to him,"
said the one with the long blonde ponytails as she set her violin
case down beside her.
     "So he sent us to protect his secret hideout," said the third,
pulling her hood down to reveal a pair of spiraling silver tresses.
     "It ain't very secret if y'all go blabbin' about it like that,"
Sasshi pointed out.
     "We haven't told anyone but you three," said the blonde. "And we
don't plan to let you live long enough to tell anyone else." She
kicked the violin case open and snatched a tommy gun out of it.
     "She's got a gun!" Taeko screamed.
     The girl in the middle reached behind her back and pulled a pair
of ornate pistols from beneath the wok.
     "She's got two guns!" Taeko screamed.
     The last girl pulled a tiny pouch out of her cloak and tossed it
into the street, blowing up a parked car.
     "She's got no guns!" Taeko screamed.
     Konoe stepped forward and brandished her mop. "I'll take care of
them."
     "Ya sure?" asked Sasshi. "They look kinda... well-armed."
     "If I don't, this scene could drag on forever," said Konoe. "As
a non-comedic character, I should be able to wrap this up quickly."
     "Well, you're right about one thing," said the blonde. "This is
gonna be quick. Leeche, let's get her!"
     "Right!" shouted the one in the robe, readying another explosive
pouch.
     The tommy gun fired rapidly as the pouch flew through the air,
but Konoe stood her ground. She spun her mop, forming an
impenetrable shield that deflected every bullet. The exploding pouch
caught in the strings, and she sent it at the blonde with a quick
flick of her wrists. Caught by surprise, the girl had no time to
dodge before the pouch hit her in the chest and exploded.
     "Triela!" shouted the girl with two guns as her comrade fell.
She turned to Konoe with a snarl. "Now I'm really mad. Nobody blows
up my friends and gets away with it!"
     "I've got her, Mingchao!" said Leeche, throwing another pouch.
It slipped from her fingers and landed at her feet. "Whoo-!"
     As Leeche suffered the slings and explosions of her own
ineptitude, Mingchao pressed her two guns together. "I'll show you
the power of my twin guns!" She pressed the large orbs together and
aimed the barrels at Konoe. "Gemini Bullet, go!" She only pulled one
trigger, but bullets flew from both guns, streaking across the
distance to Konoe.
     Faster than the eye could see, Konoe dropped to the ground, out
of the path of the Gemini Bullet. The projectiles continued on to
the next target in their paths - Taeko's chest. The bullets slammed
into her breasts with incredible force, pressing on them just a bit
before bouncing harmlessly off.
     "Ah knew it!" shouted Sasshi.
     "THEY ARE NOT FAKE!" Taeko protested.
     Meanwhile, Konoe had scuttled across the ground and closed the
distance between herself and Mingchao. She stood up and swung the
mop with expert precision, barely giving Mingchao time to spin
around and let the wok on her back absorb the blow. She unslung the
cooking implement and turned to face her opponent, blocking thrust
after thrust as if she'd been doing it all her life.
     "Should we try to help?" asked Taeko.
     "You standin' back here, outta the way, is the most helpful
thing ya could do," said Sasshi.
     Mingchao grunted as a particularly fierce swing nearly knocked
the wok from her hands. "Hey, you two, don't just lie there! Give me
a hand here!"
     Triela sat up, her gaping chest wound revealing her metal
interior, and fired a few quick rounds at Konoe, forcing her to leap
back.
     Mingchao gave Triela a thumbs-up. "Thanks! Now we can - hey! I
can't move my feet!"
     Konoe favored her with a satisfied smirk.
     Triela started to crawl toward Mingchao, then stopped with a
look of horror on her face. "Mingchao... your legs! You're sinking!"
     Mingchao looked down to see the cement moving beneath the thin
coat of soapy water, as if it had never dried. "What's happening to
me?" she shouted.
     "Ha ha! That's the way ta go!" cheered Sasshi. "Ya really mopped
the floor with 'er!"
     "No, she mopped the floor with that quicksand mop," Taeko
corrected him.
     Mingchao growled. "You're gonna have to do a lot better than
this to beat me!" She twisted around and held a hand out to Triela.
"Hey, pull me out of this stuff!"
     Triela shook her head and backed away. "I don't do very well
with water... my metal body would sink like a stone."
     Mingchao turned the other way. "Leeche!"
     Leeche exhaled a cloud of smoke.
     "Fine! I'll get myself out!" Mingchao flipped the wok around and
sat on it, using it as a pontoon. She pulled her legs out of the
ground, planted her feet on the wok, and leapt triumphantly to solid
ground, where she was met with a vigorous splash of water from
Konoe's bucket.
     Mingchao shook herself off. "Now you're just trying to make me
angry!"
     Triela had to stifle a giggle. "Mingchao... now your clothes are
melting!"
     Mingchao looked down as the last of her outer clothing vanished,
leaving her wearing nothing but an assortment of leather straps held
together by heavy metal studs. Her face turned red and steam shot
from her ears.
     Sasshi shook his head. "Now that's REAL wrong. The author's
goin' ta hell fer this fer sure."
     "I've got them!" shouted Triela, raising her weapon. Konoe spun
around and hurled the mop with deadly accuracy, lodging the tip of
its handle deep in Triela's exposed machinery. Triela screamed in
pain as electricity shot through her endoskeleton, paralyzing her.
     "Ha! You're defenseless now!" taunted Mingchao, pressing her
guns against the tiny scraps of leather that covered her chest. "Ox
Bullet! Taurus Bullet! Dual Bull Attack!"
     Konoe ducked again as Mingchao pulled the triggers, but the guns
merely shuddered as light began to spill from the barrels. She
looked up to see Mingchao slowly lower the guns to point at her
face. 'Bulls have to dig in their hooves before they charge,'
Mingchao's eyes seemed to be saying as the projectiles finally burst
forth. Konoe gritted her teeth and leapt up out of their path,
bracing herself for the inevitable attack from below now that she
was exposed and vulnerable.
     "There's your opening!" shouted Mingchao, pointing at Konoe.
"Leeche, let her have it!"
     "You got it," said Leeche, stepping forward and readying a pouch
to blow Konoe out of the sky. Then, she stopped. "Hey!" she shouted.
"I'm sinking!"
     Mingchao grabbed Konoe's bucket and splashed it on Leeche. "You
idiot! How could you just walk right into the stupid trap?"
     Tears streamed down Leeche's face as her cloak fell apart around
her. "I'm supposed to be a princess... I never wanted to get into
fights and get blown up and sink in quicksand... I was going to
become a queen!" Suddenly, she realized that all she was wearing
were the hundreds of explosive pouches she'd kept in the cloak that
no longer existed. Seconds later, Leeche became the center of the
biggest bomb since the N-Gage.
     "Ah feel her pain," said Sasshi.
     Mingchao felt a light tap on her shoulder and turned around to
find Konoe towering over her. She shrieked and pulled the bucket
back, preparing to dowse Konoe with its acidic contents.
     Konoe chuckled.
     "What's so funny?" snapped Mingchao.
     "I can see your..." Her voice trailed off into a fit of giggles.
     Mingchao looked down to see that the leather that had been
absorbed to make the ox bullets had indeed left a pair of
strategically placed holes in her chest straps. She quickly gasped
and covered them with her arms. While she was distracted, Konoe
snatched up the bucket and smacked her in the face with it, knocking
her out.
     "Ah don't think hell's gonna be enough anymore," said Sasshi.
     Konoe walked over to Triela and extracted her mop. "Don't follow
us, or I'll tear you apart."
     "N-n-n-n-n-not a p-p-p-p-problem-m-m-m," stammered Triela, still
shaking from her electrocution.
     Konoe nodded her satisfaction. Then, thinking better of it, she
dumped the contents of her bucket over Triela.
     "What did you do that for?" asked Taeko.
     Konoe shrugged. "Completeness." With that, she picked up her
tools and walked away. Taeko and Sasshi followed, leaving the three
nearly naked Loli Angels to clean up after their defeat.
     "Ya know, after a fight like that, Ah don't feel much like a
main character," observed Sasshi.
     "Did you want to be more involved?" asked Taeko.
     "Ah ain't complainin'."
     Leeche flailed her arms helplessly as the quicksand covered the
features that would otherwise have gotten the author into even more
trouble. "Hey... isn't someone going to help me?"
     A foot landed firmly on her head, pushing her down a few more
inches, as someone ran past chanting something under her breath.
     "Hey! What's the big idea of stepping on my head?" shouted
Leeche. "I may not have my royal robes on me, but I'm still a
freaking princess!"
     Suddenly, the passerby stopped and turned around.
     "It's about time someone noticed me!" said Leeche. "Now come
back here and help me!"
     The passerby ran back and shoved a business card into Leeche's
mouth. Then she left two more in the hands of the other two
clothesless girls and continued on her way, still muttering under
her breath.
     "Pink panties?" said Leeche around the card. "Those miniskirts
really don't leave much to the imagination."
*************************************************

THE FOLLOWING TAKES PLACE BETWEEN 7:00 P.M. AND 5TH AVENUE

*************************************************
     "So, what do you think?" asked Taeko, watching the doorman flip
through the pages of a small paperback book.
     "He appears to be quite a fan of Excel Saga," assessed Konoe.
"He's reading book 15 already."
     "Do you think he can fight?" asked Taeko.
     "Ya think they'd have 'im guardin' the front if'n he couldn't?"
replied Sasshi.
     "Don't we have Akira Maeda guarding our headquarters?" asked
Taeko.
     Sasshi winced. "Point."
     Konoe drew her sword and stepped out of the bushes. "You, there!
Boy!" she shouted.
     The boy swallowed and closed the book. "Me?"
     "No, the OTHER boy guardin' the door!" snapped Sasshi.
     "Oh." He opened the book and continued reading.
     "My companions and I plan to enter this building," said Konoe.
"Let us pass, or prepare to be cut down where you stand!" She swung
the sword pointedly.
     The doorman dropped the book. "Oh, that's my cue! I'm supposed
to stop you!"
     "And how do you intend to stop me, unarmed?" asked Konoe.
     "I won't know that until I try," he replied.
     "Then do it!" shouted Konoe, charging forward and swinging her
sword at his head. Without missing a beat, he caught the blade
between his palms.
     Konoe stared into his eyes with interest. "Who are you?" she
asked. "And who is your master?"
     "Hayate," he replied. "And how did you know I was a butler?"
     Konoe's headpiece untied itself and fell to the ground. "A
butler?"
     A thin trickle of blood ran down the blade of the sword. "Well,
not a very good one."
     "Your skills are impressive nonetheless," said Konoe, wiping her
sword on his shirt before sheathing it. "How did a mere butler
become so capable?"
     "I'm a survivor," said Hayate. "And I can run faster than most
cars. That helps."
     Konoe's eyebrows rose. "A runner? Then perhaps I can interest
you in a race."
     "Around the block?" suggested Hayate. "First one back here
wins."
     "Agreed," agreed Konoe. She beckoned to Taeko.
     "Me?" Taeko asked nervously as she approached.
     "Aren't you going to race me?" asked Hayate.
     Konoe the combat maid glared at Hayate the combat butler. "I
really don't think we'd be much of a match for each other. Nothing
in common."
     Hayate shrugged and took his mark. Taeko uneasily mimicked his
position. "Are you sure about this?" she asked.
     "You'll do fine," said Konoe.
     Sasshi stepped up and raised his hand. "On yer marks... get set...
GO!"
     At that, Hayate took off running, rounding the distant corner
within seconds. Taeko tried to keep up, but tripped and fell on her
face three steps from the starting line. "Oh, no!" she whined. "I'm
going to lose!"
     "That was the intention," said Konoe, dragging Taeko to her feet
and leading her toward the unguarded door.
     Taeko burst into tears.
     "What's wrong now?" asked Sasshi.
     "You knew I was going to lose and you still made me run!" Taeko
sobbed.
     "Well, whud'ya think was gonna happen?"
     "I thought maybe running might be my forte," whined Taeko.
     They heard a faint, barely feminine sneeze from an upper floor
of the building as they opened the door.
*************************************************
     "Beeeep. Beeeep. Beeeep," Guu chanted in time with the piercing
alarm, pirouetting gracefully through the frantic upper hallways.
     "They've infiltrated the building!" shouted Forte. "Time for
some action!"
     "Oh, yeah!" cheered Carrot, grabbing her around the waist. "I
know just the broom closet. Everyone thinks it's haunted, so nobody
uses it, but -"
     "Screw off, you pervert!" shouted Forte, prying Carrot away from
her by his nose. "Touch me ever again, and I'll rip off your sack
and feed you the contents!"
     Carrot scowled. "You're a freaking Broccoli character... aren't
you supposed to be cute and sweet?"
     Forte cocked a pistol. "Are you saying I'm not?"
     Sweat broke out across Carrot's forehead. "Shooting me wouldn't
be cute and sweet, would it?"
     "Don't make me go Murder Princess on your ass," Forte warned as
she meaningfully holstered the weapon.
     Mahoro clucked disapprovingly as she ran past. "That sort of
ecchi behavior is wrong!"
     "No need to tell me," said Forte, taking off in the other
direction.
     Carrot shook his head. "What do you think?" he asked.
     "I don't like when guys grab me that way either," said Mitsuo.
     "I mean about the intruders!" said Carrot. "You think they'll
use magic?"
     "Not if they're still alive," said Mitsuo. "I really hope
they're alive."
     "Not if Forte gets to them first," said Carrot. "I don't expect
we'll have much to do in that case."
     [We should get downstairs,] put in TV. [That's where the action
will be.]
     Carrot waited until TV disappeared through the stairwell door
and Guu had rounded a distant corner. "Employee lounge?"
     "That sounds safe and uneventful," agreed Mitsuo.
*************************************************
     Taeko, Sasshi, and Konoe looked up to see themselves surrounded
by armed government employees.
     "Oops, sorry," said Taeko, straightening up. She rubbed her
elbow guiltily and pulled her arm to her side.
     "Pretty stupid place fer an alarm button, if ya ask me," said
Sasshi. "Ya put somethin' anywhere in reach, and Tae's gonna touch
it."
     "Shh!" hissed Konoe. "We want to get these jobs!"
     "Speak fer yerself," said Sasshi.
     The guards, seeing that there was no actual cause for alarm,
filed orderly out of the room. However, a young girl with dark pink
hair remained in the center of where they'd been standing, holding
what looked like a heart made of plastic tubing with a bell in its
center. "Wherever danger lurks in Hollywood, the Mew Mews will be on
the scene!" she shouted. "Mew style, Mew grace, Mew power in your
face!"
     "Oh mah god," groaned Sasshi. "It's HER agin."
     "What's she trying to do?" asked Taeko. "That chant doesn't make
much sense."
     "I'm trying to become a Mew Mew!" the girl asserted. "This
situation needs a touch of Mew Mew Power!"
     Sasshi hung his head and pressed a palm to his forehead. "Look,
Ichigo -"
     "Zoey!" shouted the girl. "My name is Zoey!" She stamped her
foot. "Ichigo means 'strawberry' in Japanese. Who the heck would
name their kid Ichigo? Seriously, that's the lamest -!"
     The blade of a sword burst through her chest from behind, and
Ichigo Kurosaki hefted her, sword and all, over his shoulder. "I
happen to be proud of my name," he said darkly.
     Taeko sobbed and covered her eyes. "I can't look!"
     "She's not dead," said Ichigo. "This is a spiritual sword. I
just put her soul on hiatus for a bit."
     "Nice job," said Sasshi. "Ah've always wanted ta do that. Only
with a real sword. Or a chainsaw."
     "You know this girl?" asked Ichigo.
     "Breaks outta the asylum down the road about once a week. Dun't
remember who she is or where she lives or nothin'. Keeps climbin'
the fence all cat-like an' jumpin' over an' lickin' herself in the
weirdest places. 'Swhy nobody on the outside wants ta stop her
escapin', or they couldn't watch. Think ya could lock her up
somewheres?"
     "Sure." Ichigo shook his head. "It's a damn shame, the way these
translators suck the souls out of innocent characters like her. But
with proper attention and counseling, we can restore the blood,
homosexuality, nudity, and miscellaneous cultural references that
make anime great! And you can help! Just dial 1-800-555-BRING-BACK-
ANIME-THE-WAY-IT-WAS-MEANT-TO-BE and donate to the cause. We'll even
send you a free tote bag."
     "So the anime anti-commercialization movement has gone
commercial?" asked Taeko.
     Ichigo shook his head. "No! It's a donation drive! We're not for
profit! It's a tax shelter! You can claim it as a deduction! They
told me it was legal!" He screamed, dropped the other Ichigo, and
ran from the room.
     Konoe prodded the fallen Ichigo with her foot. "So, what do we
do with her now?"
     "Leave her," said Sasshi. "She'll probly turn inta a cat sooner
or later. Unless they cut THAT, too."
     "You don't think we should help her?" asked Taeko.
     "Nah," said Sasshi. "I'ma get up, go ta the john, go home, eat
dinner, fart, an' go ta bed. Ah've had enough a this madhouse. Y'all
enjoy yer interviews." With that, he stepped over Ichigo, then
thought better of it and firmly planted his foot on her ribcage as
he crossed to the bathroom and went inside. He went into the first
open stall, dropped his pants, sat down, and let nature take its
course. It wasn't until after he'd finished his business that he
realized that there was no toilet paper. Nor was there a newspaper,
magazine, religious pamphlet, or set of three seashells in sight.
"What the... every other room in this buildin's full a paper... how'd
this one run out?"
     He heard a faint squeak from behind him and craned his neck to
peer down behind the toilet. There was a tiny white bear munching on
a leafy twig. He picked it up and stared into its face. "What the
heck're you s'posedta be? 'Mah s'posedta wipe mahself with this?
Seems a damn shame ta smear such a cute lil' thang with -"
     The bear pointed at a sign on the wall that Sasshi hadn't
noticed before: "DON'T SQUEEZE THE PICHIKART."
     "Pichikart?" Sasshi asked aloud as the tiny bear's face screwed
up in pain. "Whoa! Are ya gonna explode?" It certainly looked like
the pichikart had something explosive inside, as its posterior had
swelled to the size of a softball. Then, with a tiny PLOP, a roll of
toilet paper oozed out of its bottom, already perforated for the
user's convenience.
     "Well, don't that beat all," said Sasshi, picking up the roll
and tearing off a few squares. "Aw, man! Single-ply?" He wadded up
most of the roll, wiped himself a few times, and left the room,
running right into Taeko, who was proudly showing off the
government-issued maid outfit she was now wearing.
     "Look, Sacchan! We got the jobs!"
     "Ya did?" asked Sasshi.
     "We all did!" replied Taeko. "The boss liked Konoe's ninja
costume and she said she respected you for having... what was it
again...? The calzones to leave in the middle of the interview
process?"
     "So what'd she like about you?" asked Sasshi dubiously.
     "I brought my own mop!" Taeko boasted, thrusting it at Sasshi.
He twitched and writhed for a few seconds, then collapsed.
     "Ah nearly fergot Ah was the comic relief," Sasshi moaned.
"Thanks fer nothin'."
     Konoe snatched the mop back. "Where's the bucket?" she snapped.
     "I think it's over here," said Taeko, turning to retrieve it. As
she turned back to give it to Konoe, she tripped over Ichigo's body,
upending the bucket over herself. "Whoops!"
     Sasshi sighed. "Well, they're gonna deduct the cost a that
uniform from yer salary... but maybe if'n ya don't put another one on,
they'll ferget about it."
*************************************************
     "And it's over, just like that?" asked Forte as the piercing
bells fell silent. "We didn't get to do anything!" She stood in the
lobby, watching the armed guards return to their posts and stand
down.
     "It must have been a false alarm," said Mahoro. "Villains are
too cunning to be caught so quickly!"
     "You may be giving them too much credit," said Forte.
     "Not at all!" said Mahoro. "They're masters of disguise. In
fact, they could be right under our noses and we might not notice
them!"
     "Excuse me," said Taeko as she mopped her way past where they
were standing.
     "You're right," said Forte. "We have to keep an eye out for
faces we've never seen before."
     "I just started here today!" chirped Taeko.
     "They might even try to slip in using our own uniforms,
pretending to be government employees," Forte continued. "They might
even go so far as to obtain real government jobs."
     "I'm a government employee!" said Taeko. "I got this job today
because I really wanted to get into this building!"
     Forte's eyes narrowed. "Wait a minute... I think that maid may be
a spy!"
     Taeko spun around, searching the lobby for the maid in question.
"I don't see anyone... do you mean me?"
     "Yes, you!" shouted Forte. "You're standing here talking about
how you just got hired today so you can case the building... you're
OBVIOUSLY a spy!"
     "Was it that obvious?" Taeko asked meekly. "I really wanted to
do this job right... it was my dream job!"
     "Count yourself lucky you even got to start," said Forte,
leveling a pistol at Taeko's head. "Most criminals never even finish
planning their dream jobs."
     "Are you in love with anyone?" Taeko asked suddenly.
     Forte blushed. "What makes you think that?"
     Mahoro blushed. "In love? Forte?"
     The two authentic government employees suddenly lurched,
convulsing as the electric prod of Konoe's mop jabbed them in the
back. "You can't do ANYTHING right, can you?"
     "I can so! I can clean houses and cook ice cream!" Taeko
countered.
     "Ice cream isn't cooked," said Konoe.
     "Oh." Taeko's face fell. "Then I guess you're right." She
sniffed, then fell to her knees and burst into tears. "I'm such a
failure! I can't do anything right!"
     "H-hey, get a grip!" stammered Konoe, quickly realizing her
mistake. "We've got jobs to do! Two each, now." She briefly
considered jabbing the crying girl with her mop, but felt she'd
caused enough of a scene already. The lobby, a naturally high-
traffic area, was beginning to quiet down as the crowd noticed the
two unconscious women on the floor and gathered around to see what
was going on. "I really think we should be moving along. NOW."
     Konoe felt a light tap on her shoulder and spun around to find
herself face-to-screen with a robot that was mostly humanoid, but
had a television for a head. [Is there a problem here?] it asked
her, the words appearing on its screen.
     "One of those walking directories?" asked Konoe. "No, no
problem. It's her first day, and she just accidentally electrocuted
these two people and is very upset about it. Is there an employee
lounge or break room where I can console her?"
     [I can interface with most consoles,] TV said indignantly - she
could only assume, as it only seemed to have one font.
     "What?"
     The words disappeared quickly, and the screen displayed a map to
the employee lounge on an upper floor of the building.
     "Thanks," said Konoe, hefting Taeko over her shoulder and
setting off for the stairs.
     TV looked down at the two women who were just beginning to stir,
and its screen blinked. [Could those two maids have been...
saboteurs?] It turned toward the stairs and raised an arm. [Wait!
You're under citizen's arrest!]
     Unable to hear TV, Konoe ran up the stairs and out of sight.
Just as she disappeared, another woman ran through the still-
unguarded front doors, stopped with one foot on Forte and one foot
on Mahoro, adjusted the ribbon on her chest, and tore off toward the
elevator.
     TV stared impotently after her, then down at the women with the
high-heeled footprints on their chests, then up the stairs. It
slumped. [Why couldn't they have given me a volume knob?]
*************************************************
     "Ahhh, this is the life," said Carrot, leaning back and propping
his feet on the table that held the dozens of half-empty cans of
every fruit-flavored drink available in the city. "Crisis time is
the perfect time to schedule our government-mandated fifteen-minute
break."
     "It's been half an hour already," Mitsuo reminded him.
     "I missed a break last week," said Carrot. "I mean, I left the
office, but I didn't really enjoy it."
     "I know exactly what you mean," said Mitsuo. "There was this
time I was on a school trip, and this ghost -"
     He broke off as the door opened, and a wide-eyed janitor stepped
into the room. "Hoo-wee!" he sighed. "What the hell's goin' on in
this place? Ah passed two girls with green hair on the way up here,
the mayor's name takes up five doors, and there's an entire floor
full a snakes!"
     "That's the legal department," Carrot explained to both Sasshi
and Mitsuo. "Just be glad you didn't set foot in accounting."
     "I think there may be some living people in accounting," Mitsuo
said darkly. "But I can't tell the difference."
     Sasshi crossed the room and took a seat. "So, whadda ya guys do
fer fun around here? It's mah first day."
     "Well, at the moment, he's working overtime, but we've got a
coworker who can reposition the cameras in strategic areas of the
building and pipe the footage right to this room. A view up from the
floor, if you know what I mean."
     "Ah do indeed," said Sasshi, leaning back and raising his feet
in a copy of Carrot's pose, reaching for an unopened can of mango
grape soda. "Ya know, Ah think Ah'm really gonna like this place."
     The door burst open, and Konoe ran into the room, carrying a
wailing Taeko on her shoulder. No sooner had she dropped her burden
on the table, sending the cans flying in all directions, than Forte
and Mahoro followed her, each brandishing a gun that looked much too
big for her hands. They started to fire wildly into the room, each
shot piercing a can cleanly through the center.
     Sasshi dove under the table, throwing the can he was holding
across the room. "Ah knew it was too good ta be true!"
     "Let me guess," said Carrot, joining him under the table.
"Penchant for saying things that invite trouble?"
     "Ah'm not so sure it needs an invitation ta mah life," said
Sasshi.
     TV casually slipped into the room. [Have they killed the spy
yet?]
     "Hey, did you get any good pictures on the way up?" asked
Carrot.
     TV gave him the thumbs-up, surreptitiously pointing to Konoe
with the other hand.
     "Why's yer friend got a TV on 'is head?" asked Sasshi.
     Mitsuo's eyes peeked out from between the sofa cushions. "Is
anybody dead? Are their ghosts still lingering around, haunting my
every waking moment?"
     "We missed," said Forte, disappointed. "I must have been
distracted by those cans."
     "Ah know the feelin' all too well," said Sasshi, staring up at
her half-exposed chest.
     Mahoro grabbed him by the collar and dragged him out from under
the table. "How many times do I have to tell you? Perverted thoughts
are bad!" She blinked. "Wait... you're not Carrot!"
     "He'll be a vegetable when I'm through with him," Konoe
promised, taking Sasshi from her.
     Carrot stared at the three janitors. "You're all together? You
mean... you're the spies!"
     The tension was so thick, it could have been cut by a knife.
Forte tried spearing it with the bayonet on the end of a rifle, but
that merely let a bit of climax escape and turned it into melodrama.
     "We've been caught, and it's probably all my fault!" whined
Taeko. "You guys should just use me as a shield and save yourselves!
It's all I'll ever be good for!"
     "Don't hafta tell me twice!" said Sasshi, pulling Taeko away
from Konoe and hiding behind her.
     "There's no way you can escape, even with a shield," said Forte,
punctuating her declaration by drawing a few more guns from within
her coat. "This is the end."
     "Don't mind me," said Multi as she crept quietly into the room,
dragging a mop and bucket. "I'm just cleaning up." In a whirl of
mop-waving and bubble-flinging, she covered the floor with a thin
film of soapy water before anyone could attempt to stop her. "Now,
nobody step on the floor until it dries, or - that's odd. Why is the
floor so sticky after I've just cleaned it?"
     "I'm sinking!" shouted Carrot.
     Konoe groaned. "I wondered where my soap had gotten to."
     [This is probably going to void my warranty,] said TV as the
water seeped up around its seams.
     Sasshi climbed onto Taeko's shoulders, but Taeko, unable to bear
his weight, lost her balance, dumping him onto the table as it was
sucked under.
     "Oh, no!" screamed Multi, straining to reach the doorframe and
the solid ground beyond it. "Don't worry, everyone! I'll take care
of this!"
     "Hurry up!" shouted Forte, leaning forward to push Multi toward
the door at the cost of sinking several more inches herself.
     "I'm too heavy!" shouted Mahoro, clutching at the sofa and
pushing it down in her attempt to keep herself afloat. "I don't
think I can -"
     "Almost there!" gasped Multi as her fingers brushed the
doorframe. "And... got it!" She straightened up triumphantly, holding
a "WET FLOOR" sign. She carefully placed it next to her. "That was a
close one. I almost forgot!"
     "Let me at her! I'll kill her!" shouted Carrot, lunging toward
Multi as best he could while chest-deep in quicksand.
     "No point bothering," sighed Forte, resigned to her fate. "We'll
all be dead in a few seconds anyway."
     "Yes!" came Mitsuo's voice from the nearly-submerged sofa.
"Finally, my turn to haunt someone! Let's see how THEY like being
forced to kiss men all the time!"
     "Somebody do SOMETHING!" screamed Carrot. "I'm too young and
popular to die!"
     "I suppose *I* could intervene," said a dark voice from the
doorway. Everyone looked up to see a tall woman in long black robes
standing there, watching them with an amused expression on her face.
     "Who are you?" asked Carrot. "Not that it matters at the moment,
as long as you've got some rope or something."
     "I am Yuuko, the Space-Time Witch," the woman replied. "I can
perform a cosmic reset and return this story to its origin, thereby
saving all of your lives."
     "Yes, please!" said Forte, stretching her neck to keep her head
up.
     "However, it will come at a heavy price. One of you will have to
perform a service for me."
     "Name it!" said Carrot.
     "No way!" shouted Mitsuo, throwing a cushion at Yuuko. It hit
the door and slammed it in the Space-Time Witch's face. "Nobody
possesses my body, and that's final!"
     "You idiot!" snarled Carrot. "You've doomed us all!"
     Mitsuo shrugged. "It's my first day."
     "Hey! Mine too!" Taeko said brightly as Sasshi tried once again
to climb up what remained of her. "It's great to meet you. Maybe we
can be friends! For life!"
     And with those words, the aforementioned friendship came to a
close as the floor closed over her head. The rest of the room's
contents followed suit quickly, as if time were being sped up by
some vengeful force bent on hastening the process, and the employee
lounge fell as silent and still as the viewing room at the Spice
Girls film festival.
*************************************************
     Sasshi came to atop a large pile of bodies in a huge office.
"Where the - is this hell?"
     "That's impossible!" said Mahoro from somewhere beneath him.
"I've led a virtuous life and should be rewarded accordingly in the
afterlife for stomping out perversion and enforcing the rules!"
     "I don't get to be a ghost?" asked Mitsuo.
     "I don't believe we're actually dead," said Konoe, sliding out
of the pile and straightening her uniform. "We merely sank through
the floor into the room below."
     "Oh," said Carrot, turning toward the wall to hide the front of
his pants. "I knew that."
     "So, what room is below the employee lounge?" asked Forte.
     [The mayor's office,] replied TV.
     They all got to their feet and looked at the desk. They'd landed
behind it, but for once, the chair had been turned to face the door,
and they couldn't see the occupant. They did see his hand wave in
their direction, however, and heard his voice as he issued a command
to his bodyguards. "Kill them."
     Konoe grabbed her mop and stepped aside, putting herself between
Taeko and the two hired killers. However, they charged into the
center of the room and swung at Carrot, who dove behind TV. "Hey,
what gives!" he shouted. "The intruders are over there!"
     "I don't recall giving any of you permission to be in my
office," said the mayor. "And you came in through the ceiling, which
is not the way an invited guest would enter a room. Therefore, you
are ALL intruders."
     Forte tried to shoot Ichigo and Killua, but they dodged her
bullets, and Killua sliced her gun in half with a motion to fast for
her to see. "We need a bigger gun!"
     [I'm on it!] Carrot retreated even further into the corner as TV
leaned back, and a pair of long appendages burst from its
midsection. The appendages wrapped themselves around Sasshi and
dragged him into the robotic body.
     "This just ain't mah day," moaned Sasshi as he was absorbed into
TV's frame. TV's body collapsed, then expanded into an enormous
cannon that filled an entire side of the office. The barrel swiveled
until it was pointing at the mayor's chair.
     "If you don't call off your bodyguards, you'll be blown up,"
said Forte. "It's your call, mayor."
     "Better leave them alone," said the mayor. "Being blown up could
hurt my chances for reelection."
     Taeko marched past the bodyguards as they stood down and grabbed
the mayor's chair. "You know, it's very rude not to look at people
while you're talking to them!" she said, swinging the chair around.
     Everyone gasped.
     "It's you!" shouted Carrot. "But... have you been the mayor all
this time?"
     "Nope," said Guu, tossing the fake arm aside. "He's in a meeting
now, so I'm filling in for him."
     "You tried to kill us!" accused Carrot.
     Guu shrugged. "I'm sure it's what he would have wanted."
     The door opened, and a magical girl leapt onto the desk. She
tripped over the giant nameplate, fell over Guu's chair, and landed
in a heap on the floor, her miniskirt falling down over her torso to
expose the fuzzy panda print on her panties. She quickly righted
herself and pointed at Konoe with a chocolate-covered wafer stick.
"YOU... owe me two dollars for that costume!"
     Konoe blinked. "Do I know you?"
     "I'm Pocky Pixie Uzuki!" said she. "My powers will make your
taste buds beg for more and bring you to your knees in a rush of
chocolatey flavor, sponsored by Pocky, the snack of champions!"
     Guu plucked the Pocky stick out of Uzuki's hands and ate it.
"Too bland," she assessed.
     Uzuki burned with fury. "Why, you.... That stick cost me two
dollars! And I'll get it back from you if it's the last thing I do..."
Her eyes fell to the nameplate that was now lying on the floor.
"Xerxes Tireiron Dada!"
     Guu opened her mouth wide and swallowed Uzuki in one loud gulp.
"That's better."
     "You're welcome!" said Hinano, who'd followed Uzuki into the
room. "Hinano remembers where the mayor's office is!"
     Guu's face darkened. "So, this intrusion is all your fault, is
it?"
     "Waccha?!" exclaimed Hinano as Guu reached over the chair,
grabbed her, and shoved her into her mouth.
     "She's going to eat us all!" screamed Taeko.
     "Ah think yer safe," said Sasshi. "'Em melons a yers'll jest get
stuck in 'er throat."
     Guu inhaled sharply, and everyone in the office rose from the
floor, flew across the room, and disappeared down her gullet. She
leaned back in her chair and burped.
     "Oh, no... it's happening!" shouted Carrot from somewhere within
Guu. Her stomach began to writhe and bubble as Carrot absorbed the
magic within her. Its integrity shattered, the dimension in Guu's
stomach inverted, simultaneously swallowing the outside world and
disgorging itself in quantum chunks. Black holes began to form in
the convergence, tearing the entire universe apart as they orbited
each other.
     Guu stared at the dimensional anomaly in her stomach and sighed.
"I always forget about that."
     "I suppose I should do something about this," said Yuuko from
the doorway, ducking as a black hole's event horizon passed through
the space where her head had been. She backed out of the room,
closed the door, and attached a sign to it that read "WARNING:
UNIVERSE COLLAPSING. DO NOT ENTER." A feather floated by on the
breeze, and she caught it. "Ah... F City is beautiful in autumn."
*************************************************
     "Wait... it ends like that?" asked Jack. "The universe implodes,
and that's it? What kind of ending is that?"
     "I have no idea," said Kazuki. "Shall we?"
     "I suppose we have to," replied Jack. The two of them embraced
tenderly, turned into a car, and drove off down an infinite road
that led through the world's most confusing and pointless car wash.
*************************************************

MAHORO WILL CEASE TO FUNCTION IN 91 DAYS. RIGHT AFTER HER WARRANTY
ENDS.

*************************************************

EPISODE 4: QUACK EXPERIMENTAL FANFIC QEFEFZ FUSION Z^2
TODAY'S EXPERIMENT..........................A HORRIFIC FAILURE

*************************************************
     The gate slowly swung open, and the bedraggled figure swayed
slightly as he trudged up the walk and opened the door. "I'm home!"
he called into the small dwelling.
     There was a shuffle in the bedroom, and a lilac-haired woman
emerged, the few clothes she was wearing only half concealing the
parts they were designed to cover. "Dear! Wel-welcome back! I wasn't
expecting to see you back here... um, so soon!"
     "Mi-zu-ho!" called a lusty voice from the bedroom. "Tell him we
don't want any and get yer ass back in bed!"
     Mizuho blushed. "I'm so sorry... one thing led to another, and...."
She burst into tears and hugged him. "I thought you were gone
forever! And he was just so spectacular!"
     A man in sunglasses and hair spiky enough to poke out an eye
stepped out of the bedroom wearing nothing but an unbuttoned shirt.
"Hey, baby, what's this? You cheating on the man you're cheating
with?"
     "It's not like that, Ban! This is my husband -"
     "Is that so?" asked Ban, reaching for his glasses. "Maybe he
needs a little taste of what got you in bed with me in the first
place."
     "No!" screamed Mizuho. "Not the Evil Eye! Not on him!"
     "Had any bad dreams lately?" asked Ban. "Because you're about to
see something -"
     "Daddy? Is that you?" asked a young girl from the other bedroom.
She stepped into the middle of the argument, rubbing her eyes
sleepily.
     Her father rubbed her head. "There you are, my darling. You look
just the way you did when I left. How old are you now, ten?"
     "I'm twenty-three," she replied. "I just haven't aged since you
left to look for a cure for that non-aging curse. Remember?"
     "How could I forget, Yucie?"
     "I give up," she said. "How did you?"
     He shrugged. "Well, I guess I'm off, then."
     "Wait, darling!" called Mizuho. "Aren't you going to get angry
at me for sleeping with Ban?"
     But he had already followed the footpath to the street and
climbed onto his bicycle. He favored Yucie with a quick wave before
riding off.
     That was Kintaro Oe, who dropped out of Tokyo Magical Academy
one year short of getting his diploma because he'd already finished
every course they offered and now travels the world, searching for
adventure, women, and if he remembers, a cure for his daughter's
curse.

*************************************************

FINDING A REPLACEMENT FOR EVERY CHARACTER......GOING WELL ENOUGH SO FAR

*************************************************

TAEKO: Wow, that was hard!
JACK: Is that your hand in my pocket, or am I just happy to see you?
TAEKO: Aah! It's that guy from the first scene!
JACK: Is that all you remember about me?
TAEKO: Well, I was sort of distracted by the universe going
kablooey.
JACK: True, that IS difficult. Looks like we'll have to find a new
universe for you guys.
TAEKO: You mean we get to be in more than one episode?
JACK: With a title like "Hot Springs and Cold Falls", you'd better
believe I'm giving you a lead role!
TAEKO: Yay!
JACK: Hey, do that again.
TAEKO: Cheer?
JACK: No, bounce up and down.
TAEKO: Um... okay!
JACK: Ooh, yeah. You guys don't want to miss the next episode. Trust
me.

TO BE CONTINUED...

*************************************************

Pop-Under Notes: Unfortunately, I couldn't find a substitute for
these notes, so they'll remain as they've always been. But this
time, they may offer a bit more insight into the creative process
behind the episode as well as an explanation of the characters and
references I used. I expect most of you will want to skip it for
that reason, but you may be more entertained than you think... I've
saved some of the best jokes for last.

Jack Hofner: Pronounced "Hefner", he's half of the Licensed by
Royalty team in the series of the same name, also known as L/R. Yes,
he's asked frequently which one is the L and which one is the R, and
neither of them likes it. They're a pair of Bond-style "can do no
wrong" characters, pretty cool customers who never seem to be caught
off guard, even when something catches them off guard. I fully
believe that if someone handed Jack an exploding cigar, he'd throw
it away just before it exploded. He's pretty much the only anime
character I'd ever let take my place in the story, and that
grudgingly.

Fair Use: This was an ancient law stating that intellectual property
was by its nature difficult to protect entirely from reuse, and
therefore certain uses of it, such as in parodies, were perfectly
legal. To the best of the author's knowledge, the law is still in
effect as of the writing of this episode, but is soon to become
obsolete and superseded by laws such as the USAPATRIOT Act, which
states that the government controls all but is not Communist, no sir
Comrade!

Kazuki Sendou: The overworked artist in Comic Party. Yes, the whole
"my brother" thing is weird in this context, but he hangs out with a
guy who always calls him that, and he hates it. Jack really should
sympathize. As stated, he's replacing the irreplaceable Koshi Rikdo,
at long last.

Charred husk of Rikdo: He was struck by the dramatic lightning. I'm
pretty sure that wasn't clear, but I couldn't explain it any better
and keep up the comedic timing.

Taeko Minazuki: Okay, I confess. I completely dropped the ball here.
The most crucial of main characters in the story, and there was just
nobody who could live up to the comedic standard I set for Mihoshi.
Ai Yori Aoshi's Taeko had the ditziness, at least, and I thought the
opportunity to make big-breasted jokes was enough to make up for the
shortfall in the stupidity department. I did have to add a bit of
stupidity, but the breasts worked for themselves. As I was finishing
the chapter, I finally stumbled on another candidate who might have
worked in the role had I planned it around her from the beginning,
but I think Strawberry Marshmallow's Miu is just a bit too young for
this sort of thing.

Sasshi Imamiya: One of the main characters of Magical Shopping
Arcade Abenobashi, and the one who ends up dying over and over again
in at least one episode, and once in a couple of others. That's
really the only reason I chose him to replace Yakumo. There aren't
many characters in anime who experience death regularly and keep
coming back for more. (And I've already had TWO Evangelion
characters in the story.) I apologize profusely for the horrible
Southern accent, but if he didn't have an outstanding character
trait like that, he'd have ended up more like Shun. More on that
later. Anyway, I made the mistake of watching part of the Abenobashi
dub, and I don't know if it's just the fashionable thing to do with
Kansai accents these days, but that was the Southernest Southern
accent I've ever heard. I just HAD to make fun of it.

Queen Raindevila: The ultimate bad guy in Wedding Peach. I actually
considered using Queen Beryl here, but of course, Sailor Moon has
been spoken for. All these magical girl bad guys are the same
anyway, right? Her speech of choice is basically "Any time you find
people in love, you must destroy them!" Not quite what Clef had in
mind, but she's evil. She'll do. Obviously, when I wrote this scene,
I hadn't finished watching Wedding Peach, and was just guessing at
the sorts of power Raindevila would have. She could probably summon
electricity and fire if she really wanted to. This is Raindevila
when she was still a moderately happy denizen of the Demon World,
shortly after turning evil but before... the stuff that happened to
her in the series.

Konoe: The head of maid security in Hanaukyo Maid Team, who's more
at home fighting with a sword than a mop but would probably be
willing to improvise. She's not replacing anyone - yet - but is
simply a generic monster-of-the-day of the type a villain like
Raindevila inevitably sends forth. As the text says, I'd just read
Excel Saga book 8 and discovered the character of El Gala in the
original story. She'll have a replacement in QEFEFZ proper (I've
already chosen her, and she's a PERFECT match), so Konoe will
replace her once she's appeared. One thing that does bother me is
that Konoe succumbs to the clothes-destroying acid in this story,
while in the original anime, she was the one who defeated the
clothes-destroying robot, but I think this way is funnier in that
context and shows just how clumsy Taeko is.

They're real, and they're SPECTACULAR: A line from an episode of
Seinfeld. Jerry didn't know whether the woman he was dating had
implants, and when she discovered that he was trying to find out,
this was her post-breakup line. I know most people have little
respect for Seinfeld, but even Barney references can be funny if
done correctly.

Shun Kisaragi: He is, in fact, male, as discovered near the
beginning of Here is Greenwood. He just looks like a woman, and the
cast of the series led the new student to think he WAS a woman for a
good while. He's replacing Nuriko because, while there are plenty of
men who look like women in anime, most of them are characters I hate
and don't look enough like women. Unfortunately, while Nuriko was
super-strong, looking like a woman pretty much WAS Shun's gimmick.
He was almost a straight man in a comedy of straight men barely
dynamic enough to be a brilliant combination. I could have written
him any old way, and it would have worked just as well.

Carrot Glace: The main character of Sorcerer Hunters. He's a pervert
at heart, hates sorcerers, and has the unusual ability to absorb any
magical energy directed at him and use it to transform into a
creature. In the anime, it's always the same creature, but in the
manga, it depends on the type of energy. This explains why the
universe imploded when Guu ate him... I hope. I chose him to replace
Moroboshi for the obvious reason... there's no change needed. I had to
go over the chapter a few times to make sure I didn't accidentally
switch names.

Mahoro Ando: The titular android maidservant in Mahoromatic. I
didn't really change her much either when I put her into
Bloodberry's role. She's heavily anti-perversion, has built-in
weapons, and despite the usually upbeat nature of the story, each
chapter or episode ends by telling you how long she has to live. It
would have been a great anime series if Gainax hadn't taken their
liberties with the ending.

Forte Stollen: The gun-loving member of the Galaxy Angel troupe. She
fits the role of Rally Vincent pretty well, but as is pointed out,
she's probably the least cute-and-loveable character in an otherwise
very Broccoli series. Not to say that she isn't cute and loveable
(youcantakethegunbarreloutofmymouthatanytimeFortedear), but she can
be scary at times.

Hinano: I don't think Hinano can properly be explained without
watching Trouble Chocolate. She's a wood spirit inhabiting the body
of a life-size wooden puppet, as best I recall, and the moment that
defines her for me is when Cacao happens to call her a stinky
something-or-other, leading her to walk into the middle of the
school courtyard and yell "Hinano is NOT stinky! Come out here and
smell me!" She's not QUITE as vacant as I've portrayed her here, but
she has three grossly overused catchphrases: "Waccha", "Juubun
desu!" (translated in the anime as "You're welcome" but more
literally "That's plenty"), and "Douitashimashite" (translated as
"Don't mention it" but more literally "You're welcome"). I only make
the distinction because when she gets offended, she says "Hanbun
desu!" which they translate as "not welcome" but is just the
opposite of "Juubun desu". This is something I've wanted a forum to
discuss for a long time. Using her as the replacement for Nuku Nuku
was just too obvious.

Harry Potter: There have been plenty of attempts to ban J.K.
Rowling's Harry Potter series from school libraries, most of them
religiously-based. I have difficulty believing that anyone can read
this series and think it's Satanic, but then, most people think
ANYTHING involving magic, blood rituals, flying broomsticks, snakes,
people turning into animals, ghosts, The Dark Arts, breaking school
rules, and entities that can suck out a soul is Satanic. Myself, I'm
not entirely sure about the Dursleys.

Lemon Creamery/Creamy Lemon: The series Cream Lemon is the origin of
the term "lemon" to refer to a story involving explicit sex.
Naturally, I've never seen it, but I get the general idea.

TV: Yes, this is TV-kun from FLCL, standing in for Genma. It took a
lot of brainstorming to come up with another anime character who
speaks in text, and while I don't recall TV ever doing so, if anyone
would do it, it'd be TV. TV does in fact transform into a giant
weapon when it eats someone. My character notes for TV read, and I
quote, "He HAS to eat Sasshi at some point. He absolutely HAS to." I
rest my case.

H Street: The H stands for "hentai" and is pronounced "ecchi"... H
represents perversion in the Japanese language for many reasons.

Guu: I still haven't seen all of Jungle ha Itsumo Hare Nochi Guu
(known as "Hare + Guu" in English), but I think Guu's Guu-ness is
universal. If Hinano was difficult to explain, Guu CAN'T be
explained... at least, not in any context I could provide. She seems
to exist for no purpose other than to make trouble for Hare, and in
Xellos' role, she has even more people to torture mercilessly. It
must be bliss. Guu's defining character trait is that when she eats
something, it disappears into an alternate dimension full of things
I couldn't begin to describe... you just have to watch it for
yourself.

Miyuki: The main character of Miyuki-Chan in Wonderland. Given that
her entire role in this story was to bring tea and be eaten by Guu,
I could think of no better character to fill Faye Valentine's role.
The best part is that when she wakes up, she'll come back to work
and it'll be the same day all over again. NO END.

Kimura: The perverted teacher in Azumanga Daioh who has a sickening
affection for a girl named Kaori, nicknamed Kaorin. One of my
friends once described Azumanga Daioh as "too dark for her tastes",
largely because of his presence (I suspect). He's the first
character that leaps to anyone's mind when they think of perverts
with a thing for young girls in anime, and would have been the
choice instead of Dr. Mori in the earlier chapters had I read
Azumanga Daioh by that point.

Multi: Pretty much as described, she's the all-purpose android in To
Heart who tries her best. I couldn't really think of a good match
for Chii, but if Taeko's ditziness can stand in for Mihoshi's
stupidity, then Multi's shyness can stand in for Chii's lack of
programming.

Nidoking's favorite website: http://www.snopes.com Read it. Learn
it. Tell your friends about it. You'll sound brilliant if you can
quote it on cue - and believe me, there WILL be cues.

Uzuki Shitennou: One of the teachers from Happy Lesson. She teaches
Art and loves cosplay. She isn't replacing anyone, but I needed to
furnish Konoe with new clothes after the acid-splashing jokes, and a
costume shop run by Uzuki seemed reasonable enough.

Jokey-zoku: The actual name was "Joketsuzoku", the tribe in Ranma 1/2
of which Mousse is a member. Mousse, of course, wears a white robe
that seems to contain absolutely everything, including objects far
larger than should be able to fit.

Pocky Pixie: Not really a reference to anything, per se, but there
have been superheroes created for the sole purpose of marketing
products. I was going to say that it seems to be more of an American
trend, but then I remembered Kikkoman, the fish-headed crusader of
truth, justice, and soy sauce.

The weakest link: No, it hasn't been so long that Anne Robinson was
still using this phrase on American TV when I wrote that scene. I
hear the British version of the show's still going strong, though.
This just seemed like a way to remove a character who'd become
deadwood and still get a joke out of it, rather than trying to
rewrite the earlier scene with someone else. And it seems to work
well enough with the style.

Mitsuo: The main character of Eerie Queerie, who seems to attract
spirits of women who want to give their boyfriends one final kiss
using his body, or some other male-on-male inducing last wish. He
doesn't like it much because he's hot for the guy who's trying to
protect him from the spirits. Close enough to being someone who
might develop a crush on Sasshi, anyway.

"I see dead people": The famous line from M. Night Shyamalan's "The
Sixth Sense", which I believe was the movie that made him a
household name. He and Bruce Willis seem to be tight.

Ichigo Kurosaki: The main character of Bleach, a Soul Reaper who
occasionally leaves his body to fight spirits with a giant sword.
Rather, he occasionally inhabits his body between sessions of
battling spirits. The mayor and his henchmen are actually meant to
replace, in some fashion, Wang and his flunkies from episode 2.
Ichigo is the replacement for Yuusuke, being in the same line of
work, generally speaking.

Killua: An appropriately-named assassin from Hunter x Hunter,
Killua's bare hands are all the weapons he needs. He replaces
Sousuke, not really out of any particular propriety, but because he
doesn't seem to like saying more than he has to. They couldn't all
be perfect matches. I had some other ideas for this character, but
when they were promoted from flunkies to bodyguards, I decided that
I needed characters who could fight, and not many anime characters
outfight Hunter x Hunter. The interesting part is that Killua was
created by the same guy who created Yuusuke, so I couldn't have made
the replacement the other way around.

"I'm thinking Arby's": A callback to the slogan game from episode 3,
this is the slogan Arby's uses in a series of commercials featuring
people with the red outline of the Arby's logo floating above their
heads, getting in the way of their daily lives. I expect to see a
Ghostbusters spoof someday, where Egon says "Nobody think about
anything!" and a giant Arby's sandwich starts terrorizing the city.
Everyone looks at Ray, who has an Arby's hat over his head, and he
says "What? I was hungry!"

Leeche: A character from Demon Diary who's probably about as
accurate in this portrayal as it gets. I realize that Demon Diary is
actually a Korean series, but when I tried to come up with
replacements for Marin, Leeche was the first one who came to mind. I
hadn't read either of the other series I'm drawing from at the time.
When I finally did get around to discovering new characters who
would work, both Triela and Mingchao fit so well that I had to use
them both and find a third girl to round out their posse. Leeche was
still fit for the job, so I used her. I don't think she used the
explosive pouches quite as much in the original story as she does
here, but she failed at killing the prince so horribly that she
joined his side instead until she left in shame, so she probably
would have used more had she had more opportunity to fight.

Triela: One of the cyborgs from Gunslinger Girl, a must-read series.
They're all young girls who were brought back from the brink of
death with cybernetic treatments, who are given conditioning drugs
and jobs as assassins, but Triela seems to be the one with the most
personality left out of the bunch, so she got tapped for this story.
I like some of the other girls more, but Triela wins at being
notable.

Mingchao: The main character of Et Cetera. She's a Wild West girl
who wants to go to Hollywood and be a movie star, but she gets
wrapped up in a plot concerning her weapon, the Eto Gun, which fires
bullets using the essences of animals from the Chinese Zodiac (the
Eto). She later finds its twin, the Zodiac, which fires bullets
based on the Zodiac symbols. In this story, she has both, just to
simplify things when she uses the Gemini Bullet.

N-Gage: The hybrid portable phone/video game system that Nokia
released years before one of my coworkers suggested that we attempt
to combine the cellular phone and the handheld video game system
into one device. I laughed at him then, saying it would never work,
and it never has. It's even more inexplicable than Guu, but think
about a taco-shaped iPhone, and you've probably got the idea. It's
crunchy and spicy.

THE FOLLOWING TAKES PLACE...: This is a reference to the hit Fox
comedy "24", a show about terrorists and torturing people, all the
things that the American government loves. Oh, many current viewers
will describe it as a drama or suspense show, but in my nearly
infinite foresight, I can assure you that, in the future, it will be
looked upon as one of the most successful comedies of all time,
alongside "Hard Copy" and Pat Robertson's "The 700 Club".

Akira Maeda: The loser without a nickname from Cromartie High
School. His biggest claim to fame is that the bullies at Bass High
School kidnap him frequently, and the Cromartie gang only remembers
to rescue him about half of the time. I realize that, on the
surface, this would seem to prevent me from using such interesting
characters as Mechazawa in future episodes, but I just couldn't
think of a lamer guard to fit the punchline. Believe me, I tried.

Hayate: Originally, the doorman was going to be a generic very large
man, and there was a somewhat derivative joke that would comprise
most of the scene. Then I thought of an anime character who came
packaged with his own joke, given to me by a friend, and still fit
that gag. Then I found Hayate the Combat Butler, and as soon as I
saw the title, I knew he had to face Konoe the Combat Maid in this
scene. The series itself is one of the funniest things I've ever
read. Do yourself a favor and go to the bookstore, pick up the first
volume, and read the first page inside the cover. Really. That's all
it takes. As for Hayate, he really can catch up to cars just in time
to get hit by them, and survives everything. His parents sold him to
the Yakuza, so he's working off his debt as a butler, or in this
case, as a doorman.

Faint, barely feminine sneeze: That was Forte sneezing at the
mention of her name. I honestly couldn't think of a better joke to
end on than that. This is why the episode took so long to write.

Broccoli: A company famous for such cutesy series as Di Gi Charat,
Little Snow Fairy Sugar, Pita-Ten, and yes, Galaxy Angel.

Murder Princess: A Broccoli series about a bounty hunter and a
princess who switch bodies. There's plenty of violence and death in
it. Not as much as in Juvenile Orion, I expect, but Murder Princess,
while being a more obscure reference, speaks for itself titlewise.

  "Zoey": This is Ichigo from Tokyo Mew Mew, otherwise known as "Mew
Ichigo". As a staple magical girl character, she turns into a Mew
Mew when the bad guys show up and fights them with the power of
ringing a bell. The joke here is that, with the English dub of "Mew
Mew Power", which was originally scheduled to be "Hollywood Mew
Mew", everything changed. The ridiculous rhyme she chants is exactly
what she says in that version, and while it's no "Cardcaptors", it
was still out there enough that I felt she could portray the part of
the asylum escapee Wolfwood. The joke about Ichigo sharing her name
with Ichigo Kurosaki came about as I was writing the scene, and was
purely coincidental to the selection of characters. I just love it
when things come together like that.

Three seashells: In the movie Demolition Man, toilet paper has been
replaced by three seashells on a shelf. I don't believe it's ever
explained exactly how they work.

Pichikart: No kidding. In Those Who Hunt Elves season 2, there's a
little white creature called a pichikart that looks like a teddy
bear and poops toilet paper. Given that I had replaced Puchuu with
Pikachu based entirely on the sound of the names, and the fact that
Pikachu never says anything but its own name, the replacement with
the similar-sounding pichikart was automatic. There just aren't that
many conveniently cute creatures in anime with the "P" and the "CH"
and the "K" in their names. I defy you to find me one other.

Okay, so if I ever do another round of replacements, Puchiko will
get the role. Happy?

Yuuko: I just can't explain any of the characters in this story, can
I? Yuuko is a main character in CLAMP's XXX-Holic, which is so
closely tied with Tsubasa that I won't use any other characters from
either series. While Yuuko sends the cast of Tsubasa on a dimension-
hopping adventure to search for feathers, she runs a business in her
own series, selling her favors to any customer who's willing to pay
the price. (Not sexual favors, although I wouldn't necessarily put
that past her.) Believe it or not, I had other substitutes in mind
for Sailor Pluto, but they were just mysterious women who didn't
actually have the power to bend time and space. Yuuko may be TOO
perfect for this role.

The Spice Girls: If you don't know who they were, count yourself
lucky. Fortunately, they only ever made one film. Unfortunately,
they made one film.

Two dollars: Originally, Uzuki was going to show up at the end of
almost every scene, shouting about the two dollars they owed her, in
an homage to the same running gag in the film "Better Off Dead",
which is another must-see. But I reasoned that it wouldn't make
sense to anyone who hadn't seen the movie, and to anyone who had,
the joke would be ruined in the first appearance of the words "two
dollars", requiring me to reiterate several more times with no real
payoff. I figured the only way to make it work would be to save the
"two dollars" until the end, after all the appearances.

Xerxes Tireiron Dada: The ultimate bad guy in Magnos, another staple
of Totally Lame Anime and Anime Hell. My impression was that he
never shows up on screen, relaying all of his orders to a minion who
looks like broccoli (not the company), so I portrayed him in much
the same fashion as Dr. Claw from the Inspector Gadget cartoon, with
only an arm visible. Granted, the name isn't quite as long as I make
it out to be in the rest of the episode, but that's just humorous
exaggeration. I wanted to replace Wang with someone memorable, and
the name Xerxes Tireiron Dada just isn't thrown around as much as it
needs to be.

Turning into a car and driving through a car wash: For some reason,
the Utena movie ended this way. I think the people who try to
explain it are just deluding themselves. The explanation is simple:
The directors saw how much success Gainax had without being able to
create a decent ending and decided to emulate them, only with much
more nonsense.

Mizuho Kanami: The titular (in every sense of the word and then
some!) teacher in Onegai Teacher, and not quite my first choice to
replace Naru in this version, but since this scene was pretty much a
one-shot gag that will most likely never appear again in the story,
I decided the character's identity matters very little. That said,
with everyone from Konoe to Mingchao making nearly-nude appearances
in this chapter, if I had to pick just one anime female to be the
embodiment of sexy for a scene like this one, I could do a lot worse
than Mizuho. You don't see a lot of that mini-tube skirt in anime,
including Onegai Teacher itself. Unfortunately, it didn't make an
appearance in this chapter either, but it's just text anyway.

Besides, Mizuho is an alien and still completely devoted to a man
she doesn't really have any feelings for until AFTER they're
married, as far as I can tell. She wants to want him so much that it
really works. (Maybe that makes it more striking that she's having
an affair... or maybe not.) And she's always eating a stick of Pocky,
or sucking the chocolate off one. Not to mention those glasses, and
hair that works in any style... *wipes up puddle of drool* Let's move
on, shall we?

Ban Mido: Half of the Getbackers team, and the replacement for
Onizuka. This time, I went with the dark-haired one. Maybe it would
be interesting to have him and Jack meet. Ban's got the Evil Eye,
which makes whoever looks him in the eye see an illusion of Ban's
choosing for one minute, but Jack is Jack.

Yucie: The main character of Petite Princess Yucie. I was in a bit
of a fix when it came to replacing Tomoyo, because the criteria were
so loosely defined. Perhaps I just needed any old young character,
in which case it wouldn't matter who I selected, but there wouldn't
be any humor there either. On the other hand, if I wanted to stick
with the cute little girl archetype, there were really only two
studios worth turning to. CLAMP was pretty much out of bounds, since
they made the character I was replacing, and I'd already tapped most
of the Broccoli series I'm familiar with - I could go for Pita-Ten,
but then I'd have to cut off my fingers for typing "Daddy-waddy!" or
something similarly Misha. On the other hand, if I picked too
interesting a character, I'd lose a lot of potential because she's
probably not going to appear again. Not to mention that this was the
closing gag, and I felt it was rather weak. Enter the girl whose
body is stuck at ten years old no matter how old she gets. It's
subtle, it's not a bold new direction, and it's yet another Gainax
series. I used one Gainax character in the first three episodes (not
counting Kaji, who was just a punchline), and four in this episode.
That's a huge increase in profile.

Kintaro Oe: Ah, the man who's a punchline all by himself. He's the
Golden Boy, and when it came to replacing Shinji, there was only one
choice. The speech from the end of each episode of Golden Boy, which
was itself the punchline of the first episode, made a brilliant
closing for my own episode.

-- 
Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do 
it himself.

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