[FFML] [C&C] [Ranma/MKR] Fire in the Water, act one (draft complete)

[S. 'Zoogz' Jamison]

  Good day Lurker,

  This is some very solid work.  I thought that I'd go through it and
provide a few comments, just not to the extent I did last time.  :)

  Again, advance apologies for the fact that Yahoo mail usually kills
formatting.

--- The Eternal Lost Lurker <lurkerdrome at sbcglobal.net> wrote:

> It's been entirely too long, but...here it is. Finally.

  And thank you so much for writing it too.  I enjoyed it the first
time I saw it, and felt that I would again. 

> 
> * * * * * * *
> 
> Things did not improve over the course of the week. Ranma
> occasionally lapsed into periods of unresponsiveness, or developed a
> glazed, faraway look in his eyes. It happened more frequently when he
> was a girl, and one day, he'd just wandered off while in girl form.
> Akane had found him an hour and a half later, in Minato-ku, sitting
> on a bench about five blocks from Tokyo Tower. He didn't have any
> memory of how he'd gotten there, or why he'd gone there in the first
> place, and that disturbed him more than anything else from the
> previous days.
> 
> His parents, naturally, found out about everything within two days
> of the initial nightmare. His father reacted as expected, with much
> loud bellowing and declamations of Ranma's lack of manhood, while his
> mother was far more worried and concerned--she immediately came to
> the same conclusion Akane had, and almost insisted Ranma seek the
> advice of Cologne. Ranma had vetoed that idea; while it was true the
> elderly Amazon knew more than anyone else he knew about Jusenkyou, he
> didn't feel comfortable sharing this new problem with anyone he
> didn't trust implicitly--and that definitely did not include
> Cologne or Shampoo. Two of his lapses had resulted in his development
> of some unexplainable injuries, and he would rather not have it known
> he was periodically vulnerable, lest one of his adversaries (or
> erstwhile suitors) decide to take advantage of the situation.
> 
> Ryouga had found out--by virtue of being P-chan--but rather than
> using it against Ranma, he seemed oddly thoughtful about it all.
> Ranma didn't confront him about it, but he assumed that the lost boy
> was probably wondering whether or not a similar effect would happen
> to him.
> 
> Six days after the nightmares and periodic lapses began, Fuurinkan's
> sports festival took place. It was during this event that the
> situation finally came to a head--almost tragically so.

Just curious... I feel that this final paragraph breaks up the
narrative voice a bit.  The story may be better served by the section
below showing how it came to a head rather than highlighting it before
the fact.  That this paragraph is not foreshadowing, but telegraphing.

(The foreshadowing, Ranma's refusal to talk to Cologne, is fine, though
I'm also feeling as if you could write a scene which demonstrates
Akane's finding of Ranma, Ranma's parents, and even Ranma's refusal of
talking to Cologne rather than relying on the narrator to reveal these
facts.)

> 
> -2-
> 
> Two girls wearing uniforms from different schools leaned against a
> guardrail on the edge of a hill, looking out over a quiet residential
> district and watching the sun set.
> 
> "It's hard to believe it's been two months since..." the taller of
> the two said, brushing a lock of her long, sky-blue hair behind her
> ear.
> 
> The other nodded, tears brimming behind the round lenses of her
> glasses. "Hikaru-san...we only knew her for a short time, but she was
> a very special and dear person..."
> 
> "So full of energy, so innocent...she seemed younger than she was,
> really."
> 
> "Yet she was stronger than us both..."
> 
> The girls were silent for a long moment.
> 
> "I should've cut that bastard's balls off."
> 
> "Umi-san!"
> 
> Ryuuzaki Umi scowled fiercely. "We let Zagato and that bitch princess
> off too easy. Hikaru DIED, Fuu. She DIED. For nothing!"
> 
> "Umi-san..." Hououji Fuu repeated softly, placing a hand on the other
> girl's shoulder. "What we did...I'm sure it's what Hikaru-san
> would've wanted. She wasn't...she wouldn't have approved of revenge.
> Not like that. We did the right thing, I'm sure of it."
> 
> Umi sighed. "You're right, of course." She stepped away from the
> railing, stretching. "Well, it's late...I should be getting home."
> 
> "I as well. Until Sunday then?"
> 
> "Un. Take care of yourself, Fuu."
> 
> "Good evening, Umi-san."
> 

  I watched MKR once or twice in my life, which should indicate my
familiarity with the characters.  I *think* some liberties are being
taken with Umi, but I can't possibly tell... but the point I'm trying
to grope to is that I'm rather happy with the level of characterization
they're provided with here.  Enough of a hint to form a sketch, but not
a complete description which would have bogged down the story.  Thanks.

> Ranma started to protest, but held his tongue, thinking carefully
> about it for a minute. The worried looks Akane and his mother were
> giving him made the decision for him. Slowly, resignedly, he
> nodded. "Alright."

  Last note about characterization, I think... Ranma is portrayed very
positively here (thinking, restraining himself) and Akane's concern for
Ranma earlier is also rather endearing.  I think it's a bit refreshing,
to be sure, and just hope that these characterizations don't get
discarded later in the 'fic.  :)

> * * * * * * *
> 
> Cologne's wizened eyes scanned the parchment a second time,
> age-creased brow knit thoughtfully.

  Are you trying to insinuate, *sir*, that she may be chronologically
challenged?  HMM??

> "The Guide's daughter found something strange near Jusenkyo," Cologne
> muttered absently. "They looked it over and aren't entirely sure what
> to make of it, so they're sending it to me to get my opinion. It
> should arrive this afternoon..."

  I would have thought everyone knew what a Coke bottle was by now.

> 
> The bell over the door jingled. Shampoo turned to greet the first
> customers of the day.

<Shampoo> Welcome to Nekohanten!  Where you meet to eat and eat the
 meat!

> Shampoo looked up at Ranma, and frowned, releasing him and backing up
> a step. "Ranma is no okay? Violent girl cooking make Airen sick
> again?"
> 
> "Pipe down, bimbo," Akane growled. "Bad enough we had to come here at
> all," she added under her breath, though everyone could hear her.

  Aww, it's too bad that Akane's love for life doesn't reach all the
way to Chinese delectables.

> Nodoka bowed, tactfully ignoring the unwarranted claim on her son.
> "Honored elder," she greeted. "We have come today because a situation
> has arisen with my son, which appears to relate to his...affliction.
> We are at a loss to explain or understand this latest problem, and
> come to you in hopes you might have some insight on the matter."

<Cologne> Fifty bucks and time served.  Next?

> Cologne frowned. "That sounds more like a psychological problem..."

Now we'll see if Cologne subscribes to the Freudian school.

> "But...there's more," Akane said hastily. "His eyes...they change
> color."
> 
> Cologne paused, turning her full attention to the Japanese girl.
> "Change color?"
> 
> "Yes. They turn red--

<Cologne> He's a TERMINATOR!  RUN!!

> "Hmm." Cologne peered into his eyes, examining him from different
> angles, then hopped onto the table.

I had no clue the Nekohanten installed poles last Wednesday.

> Cologne studied Ranma for several long moments, then hopped back to
> the floor, shaking her head. "It could be any number of things.
> Possession, hypnosis, head trauma, some strange magic that perverted
> old goat did...just from the description, I can't really--"

Don't forget lupus!

> The jewel on the glove suddenly flared with an intense red pulse of
> light. Well accustomed to dealing with strange magic, the assembled
> people backed hastily away from the table.
> 
> "Ranma!" Shampoo cried. The others sharply glanced at the redhead,
> who had stiffened in her seat, eyes wide. A red film gradually
> clouded the blue irises, until her eyes had changed to a deep
> crimson-brown hue.
> 
> "Everyone look out!" Akane cried. "The last time this happened, he
> torched the sports field at school!"
> 
> The crowd watched the redhead warily, tense and unnerved, ready to
> react at the slightest motion. Ranma's now-red eyes were fixed
> intently on the object Cologne held.

  I'm actually somewhat surprised that no one in the assembled group
thinks, "Ranma acts weird when next to the glove... therefore, destroy
glove."  Considering all the conclusions jumped to the in the Ranma
universe...

> Her heart hammered in her chest. She had no idea where she was or
> where she was going, but an urgent feeling drove her onward.

  A good moment when the narration mirrors the writing above.  Giving
no details to the assembled readers also allows us to be just as
disoriented, adding to the impact of the words, and our thought toward
finding details is drawing us forward as surely as Hikaru is running.

> Less than two minutes into the chase, Kasumi, Nabiki, Nodoka, and
> Soun had retreated to the cafe, the latter panting and gasping for
> breath.

Heh heh... stop smoking the Camels there, Soun.

> "My son..." Nodoka sank heavily into a chair, fists knotted in her
> lap, the folds of her kimono creasing.

Is she doing the hand-jive?  Fingers can be knotted, fists can be
clenched...?

> Something embedded itself in the ground in front of her, narrowly
> missing her feet. She spared only a second to marvel at the fact that
> it was a bamboo chopstick, before deciding it was irrelevant.

Huh?  Did Shampoo throw this from a distance or something?  I'm a bit
lost on this detail, my apologies.

> "H-hai," she replied, wiping at her eyes and nose with her sleeve.
> "I...my name is Hikaru. Shidou Hikaru."

  Which lead to many reader questions about the disposition of Ranma's
consciousness.  I'll be more than content to read on and find out,
though.  :)

> 
> -3-
> 
> "Nekohanten, sorry, we're cl--you did? Is he--oh. Okay, we'll see you
> in a few minutes."

<Nabiki> Nekohanten, monkey brain and squid for just about a quid!

> "Hai!" Shampoo plucked a glass of water off an empty table and threw
> it in Genma's face.

  Where it promptly broke his glasses.
  <Genma> Ow.

> Hikaru stared. "Uso..."

> Cologne picked up her tea, still quite hot, and threw it in the
> panda's face.

  As it shattered against the panda's furry brow.
  <Genma> Growf.  

> Soun wordlessly handed over the newspaper he had taken refuge behind
> during much of the exchange. Hikaru glanced at it, then paled.

<Hikaru> A-Rod's a choker?  No!!

> "Because I'm Japanese," Hikaru replied. "I'm from right here in
> Tokyo--we are in Tokyo, right? It smells like Tokyo."
> 
> "Yeah, Nerima-ku," Ukyou piped in.

  If Hikaru was able to locate "familiar surroundings" earlier, was
fairly sure she saw Umi and Fuu, and even her own gravestone on
previous episodes, wouldn't she still believe that she was in the same
place as before?  While the blackouts certainly would add to
disorientation, she wouldn't have much reason to believe she's
elsewhere.

  (For that matter, wouldn't the Nekohanten smell more like China?)

> "It gets a lot weirder," Hikaru muttered. "But...so you mean that
> place where I...it really was in China? And in the past?"
> 
> "Of that there is absolutely no question," Cologne affirmed.

At least if the guard is to be trusted... it's not like an
Akaneniichuan was created before, after all.  (On the other hand, why
complicate things?  :)  )

> "The two girls who were with me, that day at Tokyo Tower.

Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie?

> Akane arched an eyebrow. "You're being unusually helpful."

<Nabiki> You're one to point out quirks...

> Nabiki shrugged. "Hey, I'm not completely made of stone. Besides, the
> sooner we figure all this out and get Ranma-kun back, the better. I'm
> not about to try to take advantage of dead girl here."

<Akane> Tactless... wait... are you Ranma?

> Finally, at dinner Saturday, Akane voiced her chief concern. "I wish
> we knew Ranma is still...you know."

  It only took Akane three days to become concerned about Ranma.  And
here I thought that they were getting closer...?

> The redhead barely had time to blink before a white-garbed figure
> descended upon her, reams of weapons and chains flying in every
> direction. Hikaru shrieked in surprise and panic, jumping backwards
> and skidding into a crouch. "What the--?"

Reams of weapons?  Papercuts are rather debilitating...

> The ring of steel on steel interrupted Akane, and the three girls
> stared in surprise at the large double-edged broadsword which had
> appeared in Hikaru's hands. The redhead's eyes snapped with anger as
> she pressed against Mousse's attack. With a *shhhhnk!* of sliding
> metal, the Chinese boy's swords were deflected.
> 
> "Whoa. Did NOT see that comin'."
> 
> "Where ghost gi--Hikaru get sword?"
> 
> "Heck if I know."
> 
> Mousse jumped lightly away, placing three meters between himself and
> Hikaru, and pushed his glasses up with his middle finger,
> smirking. "So, I see you've decided to incorporate hidden weapons
> into that ridiculous mess you call a school," he jeered. "At least
> you can finally do something useful in a fight."
> 
> "HEY! Watch it, jerk!" Akane yelled.
> 
> Hikaru watched her opponent warily, sliding into a defensive stance.
> "Look," she said, "Mousse, was it? I don't know what your grief is
> with Ranma, but I AM NOT HIM. I'm in his body for some reason nobody
> can understand, and we're trying to figure out how to fix it, but I'd
> appreciate you not taking your grudge against Ranma out on me."
> 
> "That ridiculous story may have everyone else fooled, but I'm not
> buying it! Jusenkyo doesn't work that way, Saotome!"

  Actually, hearing Hikaru detail the whole thing, Mousse is pretty
well justified. :)

> "What blind stupid duck think know better than Great-Grandmother?

  Well, Cologne doesn't exactly have a Jusenkyo curse...

> "Alright, you asked for it," Hikaru growled as she deflected Mousse's
> attack with the flat of her blade. Skidding backwards a meter, she
> raised her right hand above her head. "HONOU NO...YAAAAA!"
> 
> Mousse had little time to react as streaks of flame leapt from the
> redhead's fingertips, engulfing him and setting his robes ablaze.
> 
> The three girls standing by gaped.
> 
> "What the hell?"
> 
> "Ghost girl tougher than look!"

  That's really awkward, even for Shampoo.  It took me a second to
parse it out, and distracted me from the rest of the scene.  Which, by
the way, is a very enjoyable fight sequence.  :)

> "I didn't want to believe it until just now," Ryouga interrupted.
> "I've been hanging around in secret since this all started, and I
> wanted to think Ranma was pulling some kind of scam, but now I know
> it's all true. This--"

<Akane> Oh ho!  YOU'RE the creepy stalker!

> To that end, they had just reached the rooftop of the Foot Town
> complex when they encountered Ryouga, leaning against a wall near the
> stairwell. Akane called out to him, and he walked over to join them.
> 
> "You found the girls you came to look for then?" Ryouga asked Hikaru.
> 
> 
> "Un."
> 
> "I'm surprised you found us again so fast," Ukyou commented.
 
  The magic surrounding Cephiro is truly fantastic, allowing Akane's
patience, Ranma's foresight, Nabiki's compassion, and now Ryouga's
pathfinding skills.  :)

> Hikaru let out a long, slow hiss of breath. "THANK you, Shampoo-chan,
> I *really* needed to walk around smelling like coffee all day." Akane
> and Ukyou shuddered; it was so strange hearing Ranma's voice speak
> like that, and Akane's hand reflexively curled into a fist, but she
> held herself in check.

  Fantastic!  :)

> "Clearly, it was a difficult story to believe, but Clef-san insisted
> that we would be unable to return to our world until we had
> accomplished the purpose for which we had been summoned.

  Just taking a second to say that the plot background was fine in my
judgment, that it was enjoyable to read and didn't slow the story down.

> "I see," Fuu said, adjusting her glasses. "So you believe that, in a
> world where the will of the human heart shapes reality itself, that
> this world functions only in extremes? That love, peace, and
> happiness only come in values of all or none? Is this truly what you
> believe?"

  Why oh why didn't Emeraude just send for lawyers instead of magical
girls?  :)

> She folded her arms tightly across her chest, clutching her
> shoulders, withdrawing into herself. "They...they caught me. They
> made a bamboo cross and tied me to it..." She shuddered,
> whimpering. "After they...after they were...finished with me, they
> cut me loose and shoved my head into a spring." She let out a long,
> ragged, sob.

  I feel almost dirty asking, but what did they do with the rest of the
body?  :)

> "So...what happens now?" Ukyou asked. "I mean, we've got a lot of
> answers to  a lot of questions, but we've still got a real big
> problem here."
> 
> "And no idea how to solve it," Ryouga added. "Boy, what I wouldn't
> give to get my hands on this Zagato bastard..."
> 
> "This whole goddamn thing is that bitch princess' fault," Umi
> snarled. "I want to go back there one more time and slap her again,
> a lot harder."
> 
> "She and Zagato-san should both be held accountable for their
> crimes," Fuu added, eyes hard.
> 
> "Yeah," Akane agreed.
> 
> "I don't..." Hikaru said quietly. "I can't hate them, even after
> everything.  I just...I just wish I could ask them WHY..."
> 
> The partly overcast, dull blue-grey sky suddenly became blindingly
> white and painfully bright. Everyone looked up in shock.
> 
> "What the heck?" Ukyou asked.
> 
> "What that light?" Shampoo demanded of nobody in particular,
> shielding her eyes.
> 
> The eyes of the three Magic Knights widened. "Uso..." Umi hissed.
> "It's--"

  ...the last time they talk in the middle of the road, hopefully.  The
truck'll teach 'em good, I think.

> 
> =FIRE=IN=THE=WATER==============================ACT=ONE=END.=
> 
> 

  As before, I enjoyed reading the whole story.  I wish I had more time
in my life to do another MSTing, because it was so much fun the first
time.  :)  I think the reason that your work would support it so well,
Lurker, is the fact that there's a lot of action and description, and
the narrative flows well.  And obviously, those are terrific things to
have in a story.

  I look forward to reading more of this story, and hope you're able to
write more of it soon.

  --- S. "Zoogz" Jamison


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