[FFML] [Harry Potter and Bleach] The Real Boy Who Lived

wombat wombat at thekeep.org
Tue Dec 30 18:40:06 PST 2008

Author's Foreword:  I find this so obvious I'm surprised I've never seen it,
but then, my brain works oddly sometimes...


The Real Boy Who Lived

By John Biles


	Harry Potter was dead and Voldemort was triumphant.  
Or so he thought, as he stood before the walls of Hogwarts, 
yelling at them to give it up to Lord Voldemort.  Even 
when Neville Longbottom had tried to challenge him in a 
fit of stupidity as Voldemort saw it, he was quite sure of his 
triumph.  More sure, really.  This was Neville, after all, the 
unworthy child of parents much stronger than him.

	Ironically or perhaps appropriately enough, it was 
Hagrid who realized something had gone wrong.  Or maybe 
right.  He HAD been carrying Harry's corpse.  But now he 
was holding a slowly melting long pile of snow in the 
shape of a person.

	Hagrid would never be much of a wizard, but he 
hadn't attended Hogwarts for nothing; he knew that if a 
person turned into snow after death, it meant they had 
never been a real person at all; they were just a simulacrum, 
an artificial copy made out of magically enchanted snow.  
Once the transformation had been made, only death could 
reveal the truth, assuming the rite wasn't botched.

	Not that Hagrid knew anything about such rites going 
wrong, of course.

	Poor Bubbly....

	Anyway, making a simulacrum required a body part 
from the original person; in probably 95% of modern 
simulacrum making, this was the tonsils, since adults didn't 
really need them and often they were a source of trouble if 
you kept them, anyway.  For that matter, a skilled wizard 
could likely remove a small chunk of themselves, put it in 
the simulacrum, and then recover it later and re-attach it 
with a little magic once the simulacrum was no longer 
needed; removing it would instantly turn the simulacrum to 

	Hagrid was too busy being glad that Harry wasn't 
really dead to worry about what body part had been put in 
this; the snow would keep it fresh for Harry to recover 
later, anyway.

	So what was Harry's plan?  He must be trying to lure 
Voldemort into something, but what?  

	Hagrid's brain raced desperately, which is to say it got 
up to the speed Luna normally operated at when drowsing 
and imagining snorkbeetles.

	Neville struggled, but was unable to escape the spell 
restraints put on him by Voldemort, though he did his best.  
He could see, however, what no one else could; behind the 
Death Eaters, and off to the side, a man was coming.  He 
was tall, huge and muscular with his hair done up in very 
large dark spikes.  He had a scar down the left side of his 
face from the brow to the chin and an eyepatch over his 
right eye.  He wore some kind of weird looking (to Neville) 
Japanese clothing and he had a similary dressed pink haired 
little girl on his shoulder, who looked exceptionally perky, 
given the circumstances.  She was clutching a wand in her 
hand, though she certainly didn't look old enough to legally 
use it.  He had a huge shit-eating grin himself.

	"Wedgicus Maximus!" the little girl yelled, zapping 
Voldemort in the back.  

	Voldemort howled as he got the mother of all wedgies 
as his underwear tried to to force itself to where the top 
band would have been at neck level.

	"I told you, zapping people in the back is the coward's 
way out," the man said to the pink-haired girl.

	Now everyone inside Hogwarts could see what was 
going on and Voldemort, his death eaters, and Hagrid all 
turned to see the man and his kid.

	"It was just a prank, Ken-chan!"  the girl giggled.  "I 
was just getting his attention."

	"You!  Who are you who dares to challenge me, Lord 
Voldemort?" Voldemort said.

	Then he noticed something.

	"Hagrid, why are you carrying a pile of snow?" 
Voldemort demanded.  No wonder his attempt to break 
their wills hadn't worked if Hagrid had somehow swapped 
Potter's bod...Potter....DAMMIT.

	"Because Harry isn't dead!  You just killed a fake!  
HAHAHAHAHAH!!!!"  Hagrid began laughing at 
Voldemort .

	"Draw your sword, Voldemort," the man said.  "I'm 
here to kill you."

	"I'm pretty sure he doesn't have a sword, just a wand, 
Ken-chan," the pink-haired girl said, then giggled.  "Not a 
very big one, either."  She giggled more.

	"This is the Elder Wand!  The most powerful of ALL 
WANDS," Voldemort said, offended.  "And it's not the size 
of the tool, but the skill of its user!"

	Luna peered out across the field.  Is that my aunt 
Agatha?  I thought she got killed during the first Death-
Eater rampage when she was just that age...

	"Fine.  You want to die unarmed....," the man began.

	"I can get him a sword, Ken-chan!" the girl said.

	"Alright, I can wait," he said to her.

	"Who are you???" Voldemort demanded.  The man 
did look oddly familiar, but he couldn't think of where he'd 
seen the man before...

	"I am usually called Captain Zaraki Kenpachi of the 
Eleventh Division, but my birth name..."  He smiled an evil 
smile.  "My parents named me Harold Potter.  I know that 

	Voldemort stared.  What the hell?  This wasn't Harry 
Potter.  How could it be?  This man was far older than 
Potter could possibly be.  Even if he had killed a 
simulacrum, the real Potter ought to look at least roughly 
the same.  This man did have a scar that better reflected the 
power of one of Voldemort's death curses, but Voldemort 
knew deep down that was just his own vanity talking.

	"Harry?" Hagrid asked in disbelief.

	"This is what happens when I get proper nutrition and 
lots of exercise, Hagrid," the real Harry Potter said.  
"Instead of growing up under a staircase on gruel and 
leftovers and weak tea."

	Hermione tried to decide whether to dump Ron 
immediately or string him along a little while she seduced 
the real Harry.  Dump immediately.  I don't want to end up 
a dumpy lump like his mother, after all.  Though it looks 
like Harry has a kid....well, she could deal with the mother 

	Neville flailed about, trying to get loose while 
Voldemort was distracted.  Since Voldemort's back was 
turned, Luna quietly flicked her wand, weakening the spell 
enough for him to break free.

	Meanwhile, the Sorting Hat now floated out of 
Hogwarts and hovered in front of Voldemort.  The pink-
haired loli flicked her wand and the Sword of Gryffindor 
popped out.  "Here's a sword for you, Captain Voldemort."

	Captain?  What is with this kid, Voldemort wondered.

	"NOW we can have a proper fight," the real Harry 
Potter said.  

	"But he's a Slytherin!  You can't seriously expect him 
to fight using the symbol of House Gryffindor!," Lucius 
Malfoy said.  "I will happily summon him a more suitable 

	Voldemort looked suspiciously at Malfoy.  There was 
no better blade than Gryffindor's Sword...but what if it 
betrayed him?  What am I thinking!  I'm not going to 
swordfight this fool.

	"Bellatrix, would you do me the honor of disposing of 
this imposter and his child?" Voldemort asked her.  There 
was no way this was the real Harry Potter.  Surely the 
cowardly child had just made a simulacrum so he could run 
and hide with Granger's filthy muggle parents in Australia.  
Who weren't her real parents as Voldemort had replaced 
them with simulacrum himself years ago, in case he needed 
them as hostages or sacrifices.  Note to self:  kill her real 
parents in front of her later, he told himself.  Second note to 
self:  Never be fooled by my own damn trick again.  

	"With pleasure," Bellatrix said, stepping up.  "Cr..."

	The real Harry Potter grinned and drew his sword, 
advancing.  "Better get him that sword, Malfoy.  He's going 
to need it."

	Lucius twirled his wand and summoned a nasty 
looking, ornate and curved short sword with a small 
reservoir of poison in the hilt which could be released onto 
the blade with but a button push.  "The Sword of Salazar 
Slytherin at your service, my Lord."  He offered it to 
Voldemort, holding it by the blade, hilt towards Voldemo

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