[FFML] [Ranma] Easier Said Than Done pt. 2

Gary Kleppe gary at garykleppe.org
Thu Dec 11 04:40:10 PST 2008


On Tue, 9 Dec 2008 20:22:03 -0800 (PST), Ray Gatski
<darkpikachu99 at yahoo.com> wrote:

>Disclaimer: I own nothing.

The disclaimer should give credit where it's due. Credit Rumiko
Takahashi for creating the Ranma characters. It costs you nothing, and
if someone wrote a story based on yours you'd like to be acknowledged,
wouldn't you?

No word wrapping, so I won't quote line by line.

A very minor issue, but write out numbers unless they're large:
"twenty-two" rather than "22".

Set your email to plain text (turn off HTML or "rich text") to get rid
of the "An HTML attachment was scrubbed..." at the bottom.

But more to the point, and just my opinion here, but what this story
lacks is conflict. You're aiming for an Akane/Ryoga relationship,
which is fine, but you've removed pretty much every significant
obstacle to that ending. Yes, Ryoga's insecurities are still there,
but they don't amount to much with the way Akane is throwing herself
at him.

Even with Ranma out of the picture, there are a number of reasons why
Ryoga might not get the girl. Akane could be leery of guys in general
after a failed marriage, and might start seeing in Ryoga some of
whatever traits she ended up disliking in Ranma. Ryoga still has to
worry that Akane might discover his curse, and his tendency to get
lost for weeks on end is going to make any relationship difficult. And
so on. Rather than just see them succeed, I'd rather see them have to
overcome problems in order to succeed, especially if they have to grow
as characters in the process, because that's what will really make
their success worthwhile.

Best of luck to you with this and any other fanfics.



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