[FFML] [fanfic][Sailormoon] Moonshadow, chapter 13 (first draft)

The Eternal Lost Lurker lurkerdrome at sbcglobal.net
Mon Dec 8 15:15:05 PST 2008


>> "Really. That spiritual garbage is the best you can come up with? How
>> utterly foolish!"
>
> Hm.  I don't recall Rei's miko powers being this useless in canon.

We left canon behind a LONG-ass time ago :P

>> "Yes, Venus, nice to meet you, save it for later, we've got to help Mars!
>> Fast!"
>
> Heh.  You could just about leave out the commas in that sentence...

Well, the one after 'Yes' is a comma splice, but the rest of them need to be 
there or the sentence would read very strangely.

>> "Are you injured?" the new panther rumbled.
>
> Ah.  So, real-Luna shows up to deck Art's fake-Luna-- no?  Oh....

This fight was fun to write because it's basically a great big snowballing 
clusterfuck. XD

>> "WHO DARES..." The first panther had risen to its feet, back arched 
>> angrily.
>> "I WILL KILL--" The demon's enraged snarl cut off abruptly, replaced with
>> confusion. "--broodsister?"
>
> ...bwa?

Luna IS a youma, remember? You didn't think there wouldn't be more than one 
demon panther running around, did you?

>> "BEGONE, WRETCH!" Yet another demon panther appeared from the shadows,
>> tackling the second panther around the neck with massive forepaws. The 
>> two
>> beasts rolled away and down the temple steps, yowling and hissing.
>
> I think I need a scorecard.

That's about how *I* felt WRITING this. By the time this fight ends, there's 
three Senshi, four panther youma, a High Lunar Mage, and a Shitennou 
involved.

>> "--or we're gonna skin us a couple of cats!"
>
> They're *tag-teaming* the Senshi Speech!  Oh, my HEAD....

Usagi and Mina get a little...silly in tandem.

>> "A little light for my tastes," the panther said with a purring chuckle.
>
> What, no "tastes like green cheese" joke?

That'd be stretching it. :P

>> "Then here, try the next course! LOVE MACHINE!" The second Senshi 
>> mirrored
>
> O_O

Venus' attacks are going to be a running joke. She's the only native English 
speaker among the Senshi, so naturally she's the only one whose attacks get 
Engrished to hell and gone.

>> One of the panthers had reappeared, covered in bleeding gashes and 
>> limping
>> badly on one leg. "Or did you forget why you came--BEHIND YOU!"
>
> Luna's looking worse for wear.

Getting rolled down the shrine steps by a broodsister at full strength will 
do that.

>> Hino Rei's world became an inferno.
>
> "Gimme fuel, gimme fire, gimme that which I desire--"

Hmm...that's probably gonna be on Guitar Hero: Metallica, come to think of 
it...

(Personally, I hope 'I Disappear' is on the set list. It's my favorite 
Metallica song, and pretty much the only thing I'll buy the game for.)

>> Serenity and Venus gingerly rose to their feet, watching the youma 
>> warily,
>> yet not taking their eyes off the blazing fire which had erupted just 
>> metres
>> away.
>
> Metres:  Brit spelling?

I've been using British spelling conventions for Moonshadow, and American 
spelling conventions for Fire in the Water.

I like to confuse people.

>> As she looked up, her violet eyes locking gazes with the Senshi and the
>> youma, two great, black-feathered wings burst forth from her back, 
>> spreading
>> wide.
>
> O_O  that's new.  Something do do with Deimos and Phobos, I bet.

Yyyyyyyyep. ^_^

>> "Upon my right, I bear Fear. Thou who strivest to cause Fear in others, I
>> now control thine own. Upon my left, I bear Dread. Thou who bearest with
>> thee the Dread of death and suffering, I now control thine own. Look upon 
>> me
>> now, and Fear me. Look upon me now, and Dread me. I am Mars..."
>
> Wasn't it Fear and Terror?  Although I suppose there's more than one
> way to translate the names of the Hounds of Mars.

Pretty sure it's Dread, especially since I triple-checked it. :)

(They're somewhat interchangeable, in any case; refer to Batman Begins for a 
perfect example.)

>> "...and I am come to destroy thee."
>
> At this point, smart youma RUN!

Indeed. XD

>> Luna coughed pointedly. "Girls? Not out of danger yet."
>
> I do love how Luna keeps pulling these "Ahem, *reality* calling"  moments.

I know, right? :)

>> "Nice wings," Venus commented. "Hey, how come she gets wings? I didn't 
>> get
>> wings."
>
> That is just SO Mina...

Very ^_^

>> I bear as my cross the souls of the angels, the angels who gave of their
>> life that I might live."
>
> ...oooookay, *that's* not healthy.

Mars...is a little weird. She's a Bible-otaku, who just transformed into 
what is, for all intents and purposes, an avenging angel straight out of the 
Old Testament. So she's going to speak in what I like to call "Biblefish".

>> "Well, this is quite a party."
>
> For some reason, I keep hearing that line delivered the way Jeremy
> Irons did his "My, *somebody* had *fun*" at the scene of the Big Wall
> Street Explosion in "Die Hard With a Vengeance."

Heh!

>> A blonde man in a grey uniform appeared behind the panthers. "Beruche,
>> Karaberas, Petz...withdraw. This night shall not be ours."
>
> First, it's "blond" (no e) when referring to guys, IIRC.

I really do need to check that--I've been doing it the other way around, and 
I *think* I'm right, but...I really do need to verify that.

> Secondly... BWA!?!?  Team Nemesis?  Wow, you're squashing *all* the
> seasons together.  Next we'll find out that Beryl is actually Galaxia or
> soemthing.

Actually, no. Moonshadow is only going to deal with two story arcs: Dark 
Kingdom and Deathbusters. The use of the Ayakashi Sisters' names for the 
shadowbrood is more or less an Easter egg, since I have absolutely no 
intention to use any characters or plot elements from Sailormoon 
R--ESPECIALLY Chibiuseless.

>> "An explanation would be welcome," she said primly.
>
> From psycho to prim in zero seconds flat.  *Why* do I think this is
> *not* a good sign?

Eh, Rei's just one of those people who gets really intense when the 
situation calls for it, but the rest of the time is fairly calm and 
even-tempered. Kind of a Sakaki-type.

>> "I warned you it might get messy," Artemis offered lightly.
>
> I can't tell is Artemis is doing a Xanatos Roulette, or if he's just
> *faking* being in control of everything that's going on.

That's half the fun, though, isn't it? ;)

Thanks for the C&C!

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