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Sat Aug 16 11:47:13 PDT 2008

Only when something is "quite obvious" would she see that.
Technically, from this semi-third-person standing-behind-Terra
approach, we only know and perceive things as she does.

Should it be changed to something more definite?  "feeling like she
was doing something totally absurd" could only work for anything
experienced by Terra in this perspective.

>>        Terra waved her hands in front of herself.  "Just, just... just bear
>> with me for a minute."  She straightened up.  "Ahem!  So, you're quite
>> a tall sort."
> XD Genre Savvy Terra's piecing together her current identity without
> the need of a "As you know" speech. Or rather, she's making Queen
> Serenity make an "As you know" speech through little children's games.
> How... creative. I heartily approve. ^_^

Yay!  Glad you liked it.  Terra has to find her bearings, and so she's
going to be asking questions.  She's not going to simply accept her
surroundings without more information.  Besides,

> ...Y'know, for a Gaijin, she sure is fixated with Serenity's tallness.

There's a difference between Irish/British tall, Japanese tall, and
Scandanavian tall.  QS is the latter.  Terra knows average heights in
Ireland, but she's recently been living in Japan, where the only big
people are gigantic nine-foot-tall middle-school gangsters with big
lips and huge hairstyles.

>>        "I'm your daughter?"  The girl glanced at a mirror and added
>> sarcastically as she fingered her spiky red hair, "Hmph.  Oh yeah, I
>> can totally see the family resemblance.  Not!"
>>        "You were adopted."
>>        "You can adopt princesses?" Terra wondered with a raised eyebrow.
> (gasp!) NETTG has made fun of all sorts of traditional tropes that
> it's now hanging lampshades on its own inconsistencies! :P

Well, you CAN adopt a princess.  If the Queen declares someone her
heir(ess), or part of the royal family, who is to deny it?  She's the
bloomin' queen in a totalitarian society--she can do what she wants
and nobody's going to disagree (very loudly).

It's not like reality today, when royalty are basically a bunch of
movie stars and are a group of great public interest and pursued by
rabid tabloid photographers...  QS is royalty and the uncontested
supreme leader of the solar system (except that pesky Beryl/Metallia
group that's recently come in).  Royalty there's not just for
show--they wield real power and stand as god(desses) among their
people, who believe in her right to rule down to their bones.  What
she says goes.  Period.

As for everyone else, "it is not theirs to ask why, but theirs to do and die."

Larry did give me that explanation. ^_^

>>        Serenity nodded slowly.  "Something like that."
>>        "And now everyone hates me?"
>>        "Very few people know what you did.  I... am having difficulty
>> finding it within myself to forgive you this time, to be perfectly
>> honest."
> Hmmm. I'm getting the feeling it's the Cosmic Horror's machinations
> that Queen Serenity is talking about. Fascinating plot development and
> use of show, not tell.

Tell is good, as is show.  In proper proportions, of course.

But yeah, QS has had years to try and wrestle with Princess Terra's
antics.  I'm sure at some points she thought she was making a lot of
progress in civilizing her.

>>        "Where to begin?" Serenity whispered.  "For example, you could try...
>> not roasting foreign diplomats on a spit, and perhaps instead bowing
>> your head and giving a sweet curtsy when visitors come.  Honestly... I
>> mean, even with the best healers, it took the poor soul a week to
>> recover."
> ^^; Is this the plot points that have yet to be explored/drawn in
> NETTG TEY? So this is a inter-'company' massively multiplayer
> crossover story or something between TEY and TinT? :P

"It's a trap!"

It was explored a little bit in the sprite comic.  We explored a lot
in the sprite comic.  It was fun because overall each page was funny
and there was a whole lot of it.

>>        The girl noted a great sadness buried within Serenity's expression.
>> "Oh," she said, and decided a further gesture was in order.  "Then how
>> about," she raised her right hand, "I promise I won't hurt anyone
>> anymore.  No more roasting foreign diplomats, no more... whatever it
>> is you think I did."
> How cute. ^_^ The Cosmic Horror is learning the morals and traditions
> of inferior species! Now, if only the Saiyan and the Senshi inside her
> head

...would realize this and discuss it with her. ^_^

But civilizing a cosmic horror to human standards is a tricky
proposition at best.  A very creative way of committing suicide at

>>        "Queen Serenity!" a pair of chirpy voices called, ahead of two peppy
>> twelve-year-old girls who rushed down the hall and hurried in through
>> the open mahogany door.
>>        "Ow!" Terra muttered, holding her ears.  "How can... ANYONE have such
>> high-pitched voices?!"
> 4kids? DIC? Japanese Seiyuu for pubescent to teenaged anime girls in general?


Japanese voice actresses, mostly. ^_^

>>        "Huggyn was late making breakfast," the first noted with a slight
>> accusatory tone, pointing to the other.
>>        The second looked down and fidgeted.  "Well, Kyssin didn't want to
>> fetch the warm bathwater this morning until I had to tell her."
> ...Aaaand we're back to me having My Little Pony flashbacks.


>>        Huggyn and Kyssin nodded emphatically.  The Queen patted each of them
>> on the head, and went out and on her way, glancing back only
>> momentarily at Terra, as if she presented a true unsolvable enigma.
> Wait till she gets a load of ASK.

Oooh yes, yes indeed.

>>        The twins turned towards Terra, tilted their heads to the side,
>> smiled brightly, and gave out a perfectly synchronized, "Good
>> morning!"
> I need insulin.

Basically, yeah, the intended effect.  Something out of SM SuperS, so
saccharine it's painful to endure.

>>        Terra coughed, and scooted towards side of the bed furthest from
>> them.  "Uh, hi.  Who are you?  Don't hurt me."
> My sentiments exactly.


> She checked for signs of age and confirmed
>> that they were probably around twelve years old, and most likely human
>> girls, though she couldn't quite place the bloodline type.  If she had
>> to place a nationality on them, she'd call it an unholy mix between
>> Korean and Swedish.
> ...Well, as Korean and Swedish as the anime designers would allow, anyway.

True.  It depends on the artist, really.  A lot of the characters in
SM don't exactly look Japanese, starting with the yellow-blonde main
character.  The only ones that actually do kind of look Japanese are
Ami and Rei.

>>        Though Terra didn't particularly like circus midgets--they REALLY
>> creeped her out sometimes--her remark was more to dismiss with humor
>> any major misgivings they might have had about what she was doing.
>> After all, Makoto thought it looked like she was lecherously leering
>> when she last did... whatever it was she just did.
> The Predator scan? The Saiyan assessment? The Borg inspection?

A passive scan and analysis; a sizing up of the target within her
view.  The ancient cosmic horror instinct in her using its past
experience to assess and classify what stands before her and whether
it poses a threat.

>>        "Anyway," Terra continued, "judging by yours and... Queen Serenity's
>> remarks, what I'm about to say is going to going to come off as
>> bizarre.  What are your names again?"
> She'd only been transported into another reality twice as Terra, and
> she's now handling things like a pro. Bravo to her.

Some people have to go through several seasons of weirdness before
they start becoming genre savvy.  Terra's been traumatized enough that
she needs to adapt quickly to new situations or risk permanent

With Arby around, she's already gone a bit batty.  Weird is part of the job!

>>        The one on the left did indeed seem to think it was an odd question,
>> but she shrugged and answered, "I'm Angel of the East Puff Clan, from
>> the former Jares Asteroid Kingdom, but you nicknamed me Huggyn."
>>        "And I'm Dewdrop," the other added.  "From the same clan, from the
>> same kingdom."  She giggled again.  "Tee-hee!  We're sisters!  Anyway,
>> you nicknamed me Kyssin."
> I guess their eldest sister Nookie was stationed in a farther
> quadrant, what with her name being such a bad influence to
> impressionable minds and all.

Nookie's a long lost evil twin that they don't know about, hidden away
in some spy mission on Earth.  These two don't know about her because
when their dying grandfathers were about to tell them about this deep,
dark secret, Earth attacked and blew up their li'l worlds.

>> ;_;
> <_< >_> -.-

Why waste a good expression?  Tacked those on to the scene separator.

>>        Dealing with unusual situations had been a large part of Terra's life
>> for the past several months.
> In-deed.

State the blindingly obvious and no one can disagree with you!

> Part of her explained that she should
>> try to be a rational person and speak sensibly to the people she had
>> met in this strange place, and to continue her intelligent dialogue as
>> she built a better mental picture about her surroundings.  But another
>> more dominant part of her screamed, "AAAAAAAAH!!!" and ran off.
> I liked this part. It's funny. ^_^

Thanks!  I mean, we can't have her act rationally all the time.  Some
of the trauma and confusion's bound to break the camel's back
eventually.  Sometimes, Terra is just going to snap.

>>        Fortunately, her nightgown was reasonably modest, so at least she
>> wasn't precisely running around in her underwear this time.
> So sad that she had to add 'this time' in regards to the proposition
> of her running around in her undies. TinT is not conducive to a Sue's
> health. She should have been put in Sparklypoo at least...

Anyone running around in a fanfic with a name like "Terra Incognita"
needs to be caused tremendous pain without anyone feeling sorry for

(looks up Sparklypoo)

It all makes sense now.  Where all the Mary Sues fear to tread!

"Who are you?"

"My name is Serenity Moonflower, I'm a transfer student from America
and I already know a LOT more magic than any seventh year!  I'm
Harry's half-sister, Dumbledore's daughter, Voldemort's niece,
Sirius's cousin, Snape's daughter, and Lupin's great-grandmother,
thanks to an amusing time-travel mix-up...."

> Terra: And have the vacuous stares of overpowered and clueless
> anomalies of nature looking back at me? Remember, I just ran away from
> Stylin and Profilin back there!
> ...Well, yeah. Sometimes you just can't win, eh?

^_^  I mean, we like strong, powerful, useful characters to follow
around for the simple fact that we like blowing stuff up.  However,
you've also gotta be fair to the rest of the cast.  Such as the Ashoka
Tano example above, you want a character to contribute and participate
without overshadowing the big names.

A series like Naruto's done quite well in that even the small
characters get their moment in the limelight for a crowning moment of
awesome now and again, while the season-ender battles are reserved for
the title character.

Terra in Tokyo... Well, Terra DOES overshadow the main characters from
SM in this one.  That makes her a Sue of sorts.  The fact that this is
overall a parody with some drama elements mixed in makes it a notch
more acceptable.  If a story's funny, you can forgive a lot.

>>        After sliding down the curtains she tied to the balcony's stone rail,
>> she closed one eye and took stock of her color-coded energies.  Green
>> was gone, thankfully, but red and gold were virtually non-existent as
>> well.  There was a hint and spiral of other powers mixed together at
>> the bottom of the barrel like paint such that they formed a sort of
>> icky greyish-brown, but she couldn't even begin to guess how to tease
>> those out into a useful form.
> It's rather hard to have unlimited power if you don't have the
> omnipotent mind to make full use of it. Unlimited power in the hands
> of a puny mortal simply means a power surge without the circuit
> breaker.

An earth-shattering kaboom and the character's reduced to a pile of
goo.  Good times!

And she's thinking like a human--albeit a weird, mixed-up human right
now.  If she were thinking like a cosmic horror, she'd probably do
something stupid and get herself killed. the survival instinct kicked in and so she's not quite herself
at the moment.  If she were herself, she'd be dead.

> The only thing she really had to work
>> with was the black power, which sparked a damaged, halfhearted
>> presence.
> Using black-colored energy can never end well, unless you're
> Mazinkaiser or a Nineties Anti-Hero.
> Black-colored energy: (decries my racism over colors)


In fiction, black doesn't mean you're evil, necessarily.  Maybe it
means you just have shrewd fashion sense.  Black looks cool in many

Also goes with not judging a book by its cover.  Just because
something looks like a gigantic evil spider dinosaur thing with a set
of dining utensils doesn't mean it's going to eat you.

Although it probably is.  Sometimes things are just as advertised on the cover.

>>        As she ran, Terra got a feel for her body.  It wasn't quite
>> right--her muscular structure seemed more similar to the wimpy gracile
> Suggest: wimpy, gracile, and (missing commas, missing conjunction)
> Grammar Rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary.
> Parenthetical words, however, should be enclosed in commas.

It wasn't quite right--her muscular structure seemed more similar to
the wimpy, gracile, and spoiled royal form she had for a few minutes
at the tower than it did what she now considered her normal body.

I guess that looks a bit better.

>> spoiled royal form she had for a few minutes at the tower than it did
>> what she now considered her normal body.  Bombarded with so much
>> information to consider at once, she couldn't yet figure out why her
>> body had taken its current shape, nor why her powers seemed to be such
>> a mess.
> I'm thinking she still has black... well, dark-themed powers because,
> in that incarnation, she's the seal that keeps her Cosmic Horror self
> in check. Of course, as been noted, she's not omnipotent, so she has
> no way of knowing that within the current context of this scene.

Correct.  Her innate abilities are not compatible with the powers QS
has.  She's a cosmic horror that's using a human-shaped filter to
survive.  People have an awful time killing something that looks and
acts sweet and innocent, no matter how many malevolent antics she may
pull.  A very effective defense mechanism given her current

So even if her life's threatened, she's not going to turn into a giant
snake.  It never helps.  If she weren't just a bit genre-savvy, she'd
have long been destroyed.

>>        "Oh, Sorry, Usagi."  Terra thought about what had just been said.
> Suggest: (unless you're going for some stylistic choice that escapes
> me at the moment) "Oh, sorry, Usagi." (capitalization problems)
> Grammar Rule #76: Proper capitalization is the difference between "I
> helped my Uncle Jack off a horse," and "I helped my uncle jack off a
> horse."

Fixed.  Ah, capitalization!  It Provides Emphasis. :D

>>        "Utter nonsense," Terra said.  "If I'm not myself, then who would I
>> be?  Somebody else, obviously."
> Now there's a brain-buster. It's almost as if Arby is speaking through
> Terra now. Hmmm. She's becoming more and more cuckoolander-like as
> time passes, even without the mushroom mark.

Once bitten, twice shy.  She gets a bit paranoid for various reasons.

Being so frequently exposed to someone like Arby has bound to make his
logic rub off on her.  Besides, yes, she does have a certain knack for
copying things.

> She paused.  "You don't recognize the
>> name 'Usagi?'
> Suggest: name, 'Usagi?' (missing comma)

Okay, tacked in that comma unless someone can properly beat me on the
head with Elements of Style to correct me once again. ^_^

>>        Princess Serenity stared at her with her mouth hanging slightly open.
>>  "Negamafoozles?"
>>        "Creatures from the Dark Kingdom?" Terra prodded.  "Gotta whack 'em
>> all?  We've spent the past few months taking 'em out?"
>>        "Hwee?"
> Usagi... (ahem) Serenity's pulling a Sakura, Card Captor.

Ah, so nice to have expressions of confusion!

>>        "No!" Terra cried out in frustration.  "They must have gotten to you
>> too!"  She grabbed Serenity under the arm and started to run, hauling
>> her off.  "Come, little missie!  The ArbyFish will know!  We shall
>> find a way out of this yet!"
>>        Serenity was too stunned to resist.
> The idea of Terra carrying off Serenity as if she were a lightweight
> mannequin is beyond words.

Maybe a hint of Ren and Stimpy influence here. ^^

Ren: [to stimpy after many nights of not getting any sleep] Pss, hey
Guido, its all so clear to me now. I'm the keeper of the cheese and
you're the lemon merchant, you get it? And he knows it! That's why
he's gonna KILL us! So we got to beat it, ya, before he let's loose
the marmosets on us! Don't worry little missy, I'll save you!

>>        "Mmmmohhdear," moaned the confused Irish girl as she was picked up by
>> the arms and legs and carted off.
>> T_T;
> Yep. She's definitely turning out just like her funny animal
> compatriot. Indeed, Terra is just too good at imitating and absorbing
> powers/personalities into her.

Yup!  She had to learn the logic in order to survive Arby.  But now
it's causing problems in her human interactions.  Oh well, that's

>>        Huggyn and Kyssin proceeded with a practiced flair that indicated
>> they had done this a thousand times or more.  They stripped Terra
>> down, dumped her into the large sunken ceramic tub, and gave her the
>> most intense and sweetest-scented wash she'd ever had in her entire
>> life.
> Pedobear: (wants MOAR description)

No need to dwell on a bath scene.  Think of it more as a traumatic
experience for her.

If we went down that path, we'd have to deal with other science facts
like toiletry!  Did they even have toilet paper back in the Moon
Kingdom?  We'd soon be going into the realm of Too Much

We may as well have a dramatic scene where they fly toward the final
boss's zone, and they're about to attack, but Terra raises her hand
and says, "Excuse me!  I have to go to the bathroom!"

"Can't you hold it?!"


>>        Terra briefly considered running again, but between the weight of her
>> dress and the folds of petticoats obstructing her legs, she didn't
>> think she could even walk very fast, much less sprint.  "What is
>> this?!" she muttered with shallow breath, as the tightly laced corset
> (shrugs) Suggest: she muttered with a shallow breath, (missing article)
> Grammar Rule #38: Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

All right.  Added in the "a".

>> creaked and strained painfully.  "Weighted gravity training clothes?!"
> Heh. Though really, if she can feel the gravity of those clothes even
> on the frickin' moon, then those clothes must be... really heavy.

Maybe just bulky and restricting, but yeah.

They've got magic working on the Moon so the atmosphere doesn't fly
off at the first hint of a solar wind.  I expect there's Earth-normal
gravity as well.

>>        The twins looked at each other, then back at her.  "You never had a
>> problem with it before," Kyssin said.
>>        "Forget whoever you thought was me, because that wasn't," Terra
> Suggest: that wasn't me (missing pronoun)

Oh, sure, why not?  Added in the 'me'.

>> advised.  "I'm someone else.  The me that was me, is not me, because
>> I'd remember being me here, but I don't, and therefore there's been
>> quite a mix-up."
> Heh. Good ol' Dissimile. Or was it a Metaphorgotten? In any case, Joey
> from Friends would never be able to comprehend that.

The beginning of the one who wasn't--the formation of insanity!

>>        Huggyn and Kyssin didn't seem to know how to respond.
> Can't really blame them, though.


>>        After a while, Terra just shook her head and waved her hands around,
>> as if by doing so she could dismiss all that had been said.
> The Tokyo walk and hand wave, I see.

Pretty much.  Just try and clear the air so that she can attempt to
explain what in the world's going on, because everything else she just
belted out made no sense to anyone but her.

>>        "Umm."  Huggyn wrapped her hair into a pair of large buns that
>> covered her ears.  "I'm Angel?"
>>        Kyssin followed suit, tying a ribbon around her forehead and putting
>> a monocle over her left eye.  "And I'm Dewdrop?"
> Heh. They don't get it.
>>        "Yes."  Terra nodded.  "Let's expand some more:  what city, country,
>> and how about planet and solar system while we're at it?"
>>        "The palace is part of the larger Citadel, and the city's named
>> Shores of Tranquility City," Dewdrop said.
> It's wonderful how they can name places so obviously like that back in
> the day. I particularly remember 8-bit theater's 'Forest of Trees'
> shtick, actually.

^^  Well, had to give it a semi-plausible name.  Either that or some
absurd name, which didn't quite fit in with the drama going on that
Terra's managing to avoid thus far.

>>        "THE Moon?" considered Terra as she shuffled over to the window and
>> saw the Earth in a prominent stationary position in the sky.
>> "Zoinks!" she exclaimed, all words having left her save for an
> Well, there's your Shaggy... now where is Scooby Doo?
> Batman (The Dark Knight) Numhnumhnumh... NUMHNUMHNUMH!
> ^_^


>>        Terra shook her head.  "I'm no monster.  I'm a ditzy girl that
>> finally got some sense knocked into me a while ago.  I may stink at
>> being a heroine, and I might lose most of the time, and I suck really
>> bad," with each self-depreciative statement, she had been deflating
>> ever so slightly, but she straightened up when she said, "but I'm no
>> monster.  Maybe whatsherface that you're confusing me with is, but I'm
>> not."
> ...She's becoming a regular Pre-Time-Skip Naruto, even, what with all
> her hidden angst and some such.

She's got angst, but overall she ignores it well most of the time.
She goes from manic and crazy to angsty in not too many paragraphs.
Terra has problems.  But being perpetually sad isn't one of them.
She gets back up and dusts herself off once she's done.

"So, you done yet?"

"Give me a few more minutes."

"Okay, tell me when you're done wallowing."

> ...I think this Terra is in need of a Time Skip. NETTG: Shippuden or
> something. Either that, or she needs less whining and more awesome.

Can't have the awesome without the beat-down.  The bigger the
beat-down, the bigger the awesome.

It's when people forget the awesome that a story becomes annoying.
Like the most recent incarnation of Battlestar Galactica, for example,
whose current author openly admits that he hates people, or so I
recall hearing.

You NEED the angst, for some stories.  Done well, it leads to a nifty
comeback.  Done badly, it's a let down.

>>        "History kind of ran out after the first couple thousand years,"
>> noted Angel.  "That was when the Great Old Ones left."
>>        "Great Old Ones?!  You had gigantic Cthuloids running around!?"
> Isn't Terra one of the Great Old Ones, come to think of it? Or, at
> least, one of their offspring?

Kind of a unique entity with a unique power.  Was once a bunch of
semi-sentient goo on a distant planet that survived getting hit by a
bunch of supernovas.

>>        "What's a Cthuloid?" wondered Angel.
>>        "Is it kind of like a hippo with feathers?" imagined Dewdrop.
> "Does it have to something to do with body fat?" Angel suggested.
> "It doesn't have anything to do with your pooper, does it?" Dewdrop
> reeled in squicked worry.


>>        "Uh, no.  More like a huge squid-thing," said Terra.  "All kinds of
>> tentacles drawing you into a hideous beaked maw.  Had a dream about it
>> once."  She shuddered at the memory.  "Tasted like chicken!"
> TMI, Terra. TMI.

Indeed!  Terra's a good character for flamboyantly disregarding social
norms of conversation.

>>        "Princess Terra?" Angel began.
>>        "Look, I'm NOT a princess.  Dad doesn't even call me by a cute
>> nickname like that.  He just kind of waves and flaps his wing at me
>> when he walks by."
> Yeah, well Terra... your dad's an A-class a-hole. And I think he may
> have a thing for your grandma, even. His Magnificent Bastardy has been
> watered down as of late, though, reduced to cameos and relentless
> Cloud torture.

Ah, Sephy!  He'd never have gotten so much attention if he didn't look
at least passingly cool.

Kefka was MUCH more of a baddie, as was Kuja.  Kefka committed
genocide, then basically consumed the world's magic source and
destroyed the world.  Kuja went Super Saiyajin and blew up a planet.
What did Sephy do?  Summoned a meteor.  And who gets the most

Which goes back to the fact that you can get away with a LOT if you're
cute enough to snag a lot of fans.

>>        "You don't think she's being honest about all this, do you?" the
>> other pre-teen asked.
>>        "Hey, I'd like to believe her.  But, I don't know, I kind of like her
>> better than our Terra."
>>        "Yeah, she hasn't tried to eat us yet, so that's one good thing."
> Makes me wonder if Princess Terrifying had been hit on the head a la
> Goku, causing semi-permanent amnesia over what she really was.

Not too far from the truth.  Some of that comes out in future
chapters, revisions pending.

>>        Terra held her head to keep it from falling off from the impact of
>> the next big realization that hit her.  Not only was she in the wrong
>> place, she was very likely in a completely wrong time.  "Tell me, is
>> this the far past or the far future?"
> If you try to kill this particular Sue, it time travels back to the
> safest possible "save state" of sort. Hmmm. (scribbles something) Hey,
> Terra, can you read this aloud for me? (hands her a handwritten note).
> Terra: "Eat your heart out, Lavos." Huh. What's a Lavos?


Hard to kill something with a such a rewind button, yes.

>>        "Sci-fi?"
>>        "Doctor Who?"
> Heh. That one never gets old.


>>        As it turned out, the twins' world had been completely razed by a
>> massive bombardment from a fleet of Terran warships.  There had been
>> mitigating circumstances at the time, but the Moon's relationship with
>> Earth had sharply deteriorated after that.  Angel and Dewdrop were the
>> last to escape before the final major city was destroyed.  They had,
> Huh. So Angel and Dewdrop were their original names and stuff? Thought
> they were just humoring Terra with those names.

Yeah, they were their original names.  Though, given the context, it
would have been perfectly acceptable if they had made up the names in
an effort to humor her.

>>        "It was three years ago," Angel said.  "We got over it."
>>        Dewdrop nodded her agreement, though judging by her expression, the
>> memories stung her a lot more than her sister.  "At least we have each
>> other."
>>        Angel noted her sister's discomfort and decided to change the
>> subject.  "Terra, I want to hear more about your home."
> Awwww.

A few seconds of WAFF.  Don't worry, there's plenty of explosions next chapter.

>>        "Oh, that's right," Terra sighed, "if I want you to understand
>> anything, I have to avoid cultural references or be ready to explain
>> them."
> Works for Star Trek every time! But then again, there's the infamous
> 'Nerf Herder' scene in Star Wars that beggared but never quite gotten
> (in-movie) explanations.


Signs that you may have watched too much Star Wars:

1) You herd nerf.
2) You know what nerf is.

>>        By this time, they were atop the highest balcony in the palace.  If
>> there's one thing this lunar castle had, it was huge romantic
>> balconies, as if the architect had a lot of overly dramatic love
>> scenes in mind when he or she sketched it all out.
> That's a balcony-sized lampshade you're hanging there, dear author. ;)


> This balcony was
>> different in that it was three times as large and overlooked the
>> courtyard--more for royal addresses rather than lovey-dovey escapades.
> Queen Serenity: (does a speech while a large picture of herself is
> shown in the background)

She IS a totalitarian ruler.  Well, a benevolent one, but she is
definitely the Queen in the classical sense.  She doesn't even have to
take any guff from a bicameral legislature.  So that'd technically
make her more of a despotic empress.  But she IS one of the good guys.

The "Or is she??" question is something best handled in another
fanfic.  Obviously there's plenty of story to be had in people that
don't think she's so benevolent.  I'm just hand-waving this one and
saying that, YES, she's good, the opposite of evil.

>>        "Tell me about the Earth," Terra requested.
>>        "The Earth?" said Dewdrop with a hint of sorrow and perhaps malice.
>> "They're a lot of backwater, primitive savages that would just as soon
>> kill you as talk to you.  They have no code of ethics, no scruples.
> Sounds like present day Earth to me.

Actually, yes, it does, doesn't it? ^_^  Nice to see some things never change.

>>        "I'm afraid she's right," Angel insisted.  "They've been linked to
>> every major unnatural disaster in the solar system for the past four
>> years.  Last week, their ruler was killed by their own people.  Now
> Revise: Last week, their ruler was killed by his own people./Last
> week, their ruler was killed by her own people./Last week, their
> rulers was killed by their own people.

Last week, their ruler was killed by his own people.

>> someone even more infamous has come to power, and rumor has it she's
>> summoned a demon goddess to serve her will."
> She summoned Metallia, yes.
> Terra: (blinks) So they're now at war with Napster or something?


"Queen Metallia?  The bands merged?"

>>        The redhead winced.  It was the sort of voice she'd hate to
>> disappoint in any way.
> Heh. Nice tell not show.


> The first thought that came to her mind about
>> it was the inhibitions against kicking a cute, helpless puppy, but
>> that analogy felt somewhat lacking.  The individual in front of her
>> was anything but helpless--the tall woman nearly glistened with hidden
>> power--but a quality about her discouraged the inclination to act
>> improperly.
> But Terra's mother should give out the same vibes. They're the Yamato
> Nadeshiko, who are kind, gentle, and very, very powerful when
> provoked.

Beware the nice ones indeed!

>>        "I'm either from your far past or far future.  The Moon I know is a
>> large grey lump of rock with craters in it."
> (shrugs) Suggest: grey --> gray (unless it's a colloquialism thing)

Hmm.  (looks it up)

"Grey became the established British spelling in the 20th century,
pace Dr. Johnson and others,[99] and is but a minor variant in
American English, according to dictionaries. Canadians tend to prefer
grey. Non-cognate greyhound is never grayhound. Both Grey and Gray are
found in proper names everywhere."

Both are acceptable spellings as far as I can tell.

>>        "Okay, then I must be from your far future."  Terra's mind worked on
>> that.  "Unless, of course, I'm from your distant past, in which case,
>> all of this takes place in the future and the Moon's been terraformed
>> to suit human life.  So, that brings us back to the point that I
>> really have no idea when I am, so to speak.  Say, do you believe in
>> alternate dimensions?"
>> ---End of Chapter 15
>> And now it's time for... MIND YOUR MANNERS!!! with Sailor Nuke.
> Thanks to that Billy Quan link you gave me an eternity ago, now I'm
> imagining Sailor Nuke voiced by whoever it was that voiced Billy Quan.
> ^^; Then again, it's a great and funny improvement to hearing the dub
> voices of DICmoon.

Mwahahah! ^_^

We'd need a bit more Kung-Fu Theater to make the voice work better,
but... its an interesting bit of confusion to deal with.

>> Sailor Nuke:  And always set your charges before they suspect
>> anything.  Then you can shock 'em when they become a problem later.
>> Sailor Nuke sez.  BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!
> Alrighty then. First off, here's a (pleasingly short) list of grammar
> rules you've broken:
> Grammar Rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary.
> Parenthetical words, however, should be enclosed in commas.
> Grammar Rule #38: Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
> Grammar Rule #76: Proper capitalization is the difference between "I
> helped my Uncle Jack off a horse," and "I helped my uncle jack off a
> horse."

A few dings here and there.  You weren't correcting every other
paragraph, which is good, because it let you actually sit back and
read the story.

> You've done a very good job at minimizing your grammar rule breakage;
> this chapter is Sommer level grammar-wise, even. ;)

I have the highest respect for Sommer's work and take that as a big
compliment. ^^

I love the parody stuff especially (mm, Yard Work!).

> Any chapter that
> has me commenting on the events more than acting Grammar-Nazi-like is
> an okay chapter in my book. Not as uproariously funny as before, but
> still quite as charming and worth a chuckle or two.

Regrettably, to advance certain aspects of the story, I have to behave
myself and not blow up quite as many things as I would like so that
the property damage doesn't overshadow the dialogue.

On the other hand, I'm often of the opinion that if things aren't
blowing up, the plot isn't progressing.  I suppose there are other
ways to push the story onward. ^^

> What I'm really
> satisfied with is you improving the presentation of the story without
> necessarily abandoning the NETTG-ness of the fic. It could have used
> more explosions, but all-in-all, good job.

Thank you!  The explosions return next chapter.  Have to show the
kingdom in operation before blowing it to bits, y'see.  Wouldn't be
proper otherwise.

> There's not much I can really add, really. Yes, I've seen the old 'Be
> transferred to your past life and have a Pensieve Flashback' on at
> least one SM fic, but your fic gave it a nice NETTG twist, so there's
> nothing for me to complain about. Congratulations.

Great!  It has the benefit of not having been beaten to death, and
going back into the past as yourself has some fun possibilities as far
as messing up the continuity, so there's lots of potential there.

> Anyway, onto the big whopper known as NETTG: TEY Chapter 16! Talk
> about a difference in page count... Who knew hypergraphia is becoming
> a writers' epidemic? :P

:D  It's about self-control.  Once one gets bitten by the writing bug,
there's a habit of just wanting to squeeze out more and more story in
a single chapter, or develop certain aspects more thoroughly.

Each chapter WAS initially limited to about 30-50k-ish of plain text.
But then after the story was done, it became apparent that a bit extra
explanation and action was needed to improve the story.  So individual
chapters ballooned in size.

In a way, I'm glad I wrote it out first.  Otherwise I'd never have
gotten it done.  I like to incorporate in the comments of others (in
Larry's case, entire paragraphs' worth!), so accepting commentary
while developing the story's skeleton would probably have prevented me
from finishing.

With your review of Chapter 16, the pressure will be back on me to
finish and pass out the rest of the story!  Thank you very very much
for getting back to this!  It's given me new cause to continue writing
and correcting.

Benjamin A Oliver
benjamin.a.oliver at

Technical Writer / Translator
M3 Engineering & Technology

Master of Science in Management Information Systems
Eller College of Management
University of Arizona

Writings: Fan Fiction

Webcomic: Nuke 'Em 'Till They Glow!! The Early Years

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