Sat Aug 16 11:47:13 PDT 2008
anda doll. The sight of it seemed
to terrify Genma beyond the capacity of audible speech. The bandana head co=
vering trembled as the older man
made sounds more suitable to a small fuzzy animal caught in the steel jaws =
of a hunter's trap.=20
As Yoruichi approached his father with a delibrate stride that sent chills =
running up Ranma's spine,=20
he was almost tempted to ask just what she had in mind. But as he valued wh=
at was left of his sanity
and peace of mind over his curiosity, the young man remained silent.
Yoruichi slapped Genma hard on the back.
The solidly built martial artist jerked forward and coughed something out o=
f his mouth that flew=20
through the air before suddenly crashing to the ground like a puppet whose =
strings had suddenly been cut.
His father didn't seem to be breathing.
"Oh my God! She's killed Uncle Genma!!"
Ranma dismissed that idea immediately. His first wife just wasn't that kind=
Of course even that didn't prepare him for the sight of the little panda do=
ll suddenly getting up
of its own accord and saying in a squeeky voice that bore almost no resembl=
ence to Genma's gruff
tone but was somehow unmistakably the same, "Yourichi-sama!! Why did you ha=
ve to put me back in here?!"
Soun Tendo pointed a shaky pale finger at the doll.
"Soun old buddy, it's not what it looks like!"
Ranma just looked at the gesturing stuffed panda.
"This explains so much."
Kasumi looked at him hopefully.
"Well, no. Not really."
Ukyo Kuonji huddled on the wooden floor under her bed. Somehow she had mana=
ged to hold it together=20
until she had made it back to her shop. But once she'd crossed the front do=
or, the panic=20
and shaking had suddenly overcome her and she'd fallen back on the instinct=
s of childhood.
She'd almost forgotten how Tsuruko could do that 'look' that made her want =
to pee her pants.
The woman was a demon, a devil, an unstoppable force of nature that made th=
e Four Horsemen redundant.
And she was married to Ranma.=20
'What do I do? What do I do?!'
The chef's mind raced, maybe if they ran away together to Antarctica? No, i=
t wasn't far enough.
Send that old perverted master of Genma and Soun after her? She grimaced at=
the thought of what
might happen. No, best to save that for a last resort. Maybe a lover's suic=
ide? After all, not
even Tsuruko could come after them if she and Ranma were dead, right? But s=
he suspected that her fiance
probably wouldn't agree to that, though if he only knew the true terror of =
the Aoyama woman....
At times like this, Ukyo really wished that she could have talked to her ch=
ildhood friend, Motoko.
The two of them had been able to talk freely about many things, united by t=
heir dislike of boys, love
of martial arts and mutual terror of She Who Must Not Be Named. But she had=
n't seen the other girl
since starting middle school when the brown haired okonomiyaki cook had sta=
rted her crossdressing
and transferred to a boy's academy.
If only she knew where her old friend was, Kuonji was sure that together th=
ey would be able to come up
with a plan to drive off the Demon Swordswoman of the Aoyama Clan.
Tsuruko calmly took a sip of tea.
It was a decent blend, but sadly lacking compared to what she had been serv=
at the Hinata Dorm when visiting her younger sister. She turned her attenti=
back to the amusing little drama and said in a pleasant voice, "Do go on pl=
"Well I suppose we had better start at the beginning."
"Yes, that would probably be for the best," Tsuruko said without a hint of =
Eyes turned and focused on a suddenly sweating pigtailed boy.=20
"I was just thinking..."
"A habit that we certainly wish to encourage," Yoruichi purred.
The young man went red in the cheeks, but continued anyway.
"This doesn't seem like the right place to discuss, uh...private family mat=
Soun lifted his head up at that, indignant outrage radiating from every por=
"Anything you have to say can be said freely in this household."
In one synchronized movement, everyone else in the room turned to look poin=
tedly at Nabiki
who looked back innocently at them all as if the tape recorder in her hand =
"What? Can't blame a girl for trying to make an honest living."
"Actually yes, I can," Ranma told her bluntly.
The Foul Sorcerer!
That he possessed the blossoming jewels that were Akane Tendo and Pigtailed=
were cause enough for the loathsome fiend to be smited with the justice of =
But surely that depraved Saotome had sold his soul to demons in order to en=
perfection of womanhood that was his Goddess Nadesico. Nothing else could e=
the lowly cur's connection to such a vision of beauty and devotion as to be=
fit for status of a true Samurai's bride.
Oh how she must have suffered, kept away from the House of Kuno by such unn=
from her one destined true love. He must rescue her from the slavish bondag=
e that she might
proclaim her true feelings and reward her hero with both body and soul that=
were his by right of the noble bearing and purity of spirit that embodied T=
Wiping a stray trickle of drool from his mouth, the hakama clad figure cont=
perfect visage in the full body mirror before him. Yes, he could see why hi=
s beauties were
always so excited to get their hands on him and of course he could not deny=
any of them
the bounty that they so eagerly sought. Those eyes, that face, that perfect=
head of hair
and of course his body was at its peak. It held the strength of a thousand =
and the vigor=20
to satisfy any number of fair maidens though of course his main attentions =
be given to his three true loves, how could he wound such innocent hearts b=
y turning away
their freely offered charms? It was simply his burden to bear this sinful b=
eauty and the
sensation built up inside of him even as his enraptured reflection threw op=
en the front of
its clothes to display its manly erect nipples.
"Attend to me, Sasuke!"
The short weasel faced ninja tried to repress a shudder as he fitted a scar=
let wig with a pigtail=20
on the end and stuck a pair of imitation silicon breasts under the front of=
Then in squeaky high pitched trill he called, "Coming Master Kuno."
*fap* *fap* *fap*
"Did you have someplace more appropriate in mind?"
Mana's voice dripped butter and sugar. This in and of itself was enough to=
make the hairs on the back of Ranma's neck stand on end. She was never this
sweet unless there was a target that she needed to get close to in order to
introduce you to one of her friends, Mr. Bullet or Miss Combat Knife with=
pull out garrotte option.
He shot the stuffed Panda a frantic look.
"We have dinner reservations at the Heart of Jade," It squeaked.
"That's right, we have dinner reservations at the Heart of Jad-*GAK*-"
Ranma nearly swallowed his tongue as he did a double take, his brain having
caught up to what his father had said just a little too late.
'Pops, you IDIOT!!!'
Reactions to the announcement varied.
Nabiki gasped and fell over in shock. Kasumi looked confused. Akane looked =
digusted but didn't really see why her sister had overreacted like that. So=
if he wanted to schmooze with the floozies? It wasn't like she cared at all=
Mana looked slightly impressed. Tsuruko's calm face revealed nothing of wha=
t she thought
about this announcement. Yoruichi merely smiled and made her own plans in t=
he kind of=20
expectant silence that normally precedes natural disasters such as tornadoe=
and tsunamis. Soifon simply glared flatly at Ranma as if she would like not=
than to stab him multiple times before cutting off the meat and veggies.
"That's perfect, you can take my little Akane with you on a date."
Ranma just stared at Soun. He had to be kidding. Surely nobody could=20
possibly be that fucking stupid or impervious to reality who wasn't=20
a Kuno or a Hibiki.
"Mr. Tendo, this is a *private* *family* dinner."
He tried to stress the important bits as slowly and deliberately as he coul=
"Then there shouldn't be any problems with your fiancee. I'm sure you'll sh=
ow her a great time."=20
Genma slapped a small stuffed panda arm over his plush face. He couldn't be=
ar to watch this.
Sensing the looks homing in on him from the side of the table, the brave pi=
gtailed martial artist=20
decided to abandon polite hints and get straight to the bloody point before=
the blood on the
points was his.
"There's no stupid engagement with that stupid tomboy. I'M ALREADY MARRIED!=
Soun dismissed this argument with a wave of his hand. Petty things like tha=
would not stop the sacred Tendo-Saotome agreement from going through.=20
"You will take your betrothed with you to this Heart of Jade and that is fi=
"You're not listening to a thing I'm saying, are you?"
"So what time will you be picking her up?"
"Hmmph! Who wants to go to a stupid dinner with you anyway?"=20
Akane pointedly turned her back on him. She wasn't going to talk to the idi=
until he apologized to her. Ranma was going to have to grovel good and long
on his knees this time, she wasn't going to accept anything less after what
he'd done to her today.
"-thinks they're so hot, just because they've got silicon breasts and stupi=
swords and cheating guns. Only losers and weaklings need guns," she muttere=
d to herself.
'Oh shit. She did not just diss the guns.'
At that moment Ranma discovered religion. He silently prayed with all of hi=
and offered his soul to anyone listening that Akane's grumblings had not be=
by anyone else.
Helium would have frozen from the deathly chill in those uttered words.
Ranma closed his eyes and bowed his head in resignation.
'Fuck you, Universe. Fuck you so much.'
Any sane person with an ounce of common sense would have been embarassed at=
caught saying something so rude and apologized. Akane Tendo, having had a v=
ery long and
very bad day, with the scent of her own burnt hair still strong in her nose=
and her normal=20
patience and understanding pushed beyond the breaking point, was not thinki=
ng clearly at all.
"You heard me. Only losers and weaklings need to cheat with guns in order t=
If you didn't have them I could teach you your place. You and all the other=
think you're so hot with your fake boobs-"
"Shut up Akane. Look Mana, she's mentally retarded and is always saying stu=
ff but it doesn't
really mean anything. She's just like one of those little dogs that likes t=
o bark but is so
weak that they run away-"
The young woman simply looked at him with those predatory amber eyes and sa=
"...I'll shut up now," he squeaked.
That was the last straw. How dare Ranma belittle her abilities! She'd have =
hit him but that
was something that could wait. First, she was going to get revenge for her =
hair and grind
that big boobed gaijin's face into the floor!
"I challenge you to a match in the Dojo! No guns, just you and me. And when=
you and those other floozies clear out of here!"
Even Soun looked a little shocked by his daughter's explosive outburst.
Mana smiled. It was a thing of terrible beauty, like seeing the sleek lines=
of a shark approaching through the water right before it made a meal out of=
"I don't do jobs for free."
The pigtailed boy started to breathe again.
"But this time, I think I'll make an exception."
Ranma's heart skipped a beat.
"After all, I know where I can collect my compensation afterwards."
She looked directly at him again. And it was only then that Ranma finally r=
that this was the same girl who had once wanted to make out on a smoking ba=
surrounded by the fresh victims of her unerring sniper skills.
Fucked just didn't cut it anymore. He was now hurtling along=20
down the Grand Unified Theory of Ass where PI equalled Grass.
"This should be interesting," Yorochi purred to Soifon.
Yep, he was definitely hosed now.
In Hong Kong there was an apartment.
In that apartment a television was blaring.
"-Unnamed sources have confirmed that his personal shotgun was the source o=
f the two blasts=20
to his face. Officials are still looking for this person of interest in the=
death of the Vice President at this Texas hunting lodge. She is believed to=
be of either Pakistani
or Indian descent and was last seen dressed in traditional tribal clothing.=
If you see her,=20
please contact local authorities immediately."
A police sketch flashed across the glowing screen. The face of an unsmiling=
young girl with=20
a dusky complexion and eyes like molten gold stared back from the televisio=
A sound that could have been a croak or a laugh escaped from the figure wat=
ching the news.
The television switched off, leaving the room lit only by the pale green gl=
ow of the lights=20
coming from the humming machines around the room's only bed.
A number was dialed. When the other party picked up, the occupant of the be=
"Let the Angel fly free. Moses calls for his Sixth to be a sign of good fai=
As it is written, let it be done."
And then there was the click of a connection being broken.
"Soon. Very soon now...."
-End of Chapter 6
-Omake Omake Omake-
-This Explains So Much Omake
Ranma just looked at the gesturing stuffed panda.
"So you're telling me I was fathered by a magical talking Viagra?"
-Lord Raa Omake
"You will not under any circumstances get into bed with me as a woman. Is t=
Ranma's eyes had crossed in their efforts to keep track of the large calibe=
r sidearm currently pointing at his nose.
"Awwwwww, but he makes such an adorable looking girl."
"That may be true," Mana conceded as she reholstered her sidearm. Seconds l=
ater, she was resting her head
on Ranma=E2=80=99s chest. "But I like the chests of my partners to be delic=
Tsuruko pondered that preference. "Is there any reason for that?"
"It brings back the happy memories the first time Ranma and I slept togethe=
"And what if Ranma=E2=80=99s cursed form was that of a Lolita?=E2=80=9D the=
"Would you complain if he shared your bed like that?"
"Any port in a storm," the mercenary shrugged. "I=E2=80=99ve had to improvi=
se at the Mahora Academy
with some of my less developed classmates once or twice, but they understoo=
d my needs."
-Destroying All Faith in the Decency of Humanity Omake
"Attend to me, Sasuke!"
The short weasel faced ninja tried to repress a shudder as he fitted on the=
rented Panda suit.
Then in gruff voice he called, "Growf! Growf!"
*fap* *fap* *fap*=0A=0A=0A
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