[FFML] [SZS] Cold Comfort, But Cheap at the Price

[Ukyou Kuonji]

Guys, I shoulda sent this out here a while back, but my email client doesn't
work at Furinkan, and back at the Ucchan, I'm in no mood to write.  But hey,
here it is; and bonus points to whoever recognizes the scenario I
stol^H^H^H^H adapted this from.

*****

COLD COMFORT, BUT CHEAP AT THE PRICE
a Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei fanfiction by Ukyou Kuonji

*****

She stared up at him helplessly, as once again he looped the noose over the
tree branch. He had done this many times before, and she had even hanged
herself with him occasionally as well, as the ultimate expression of
devotion he claimed it to be. Each time they had attempted this double
suicide, however, something would always come up, usually in the form of the
irrepressible Fuura Kafuka, and they would wind up splayed on the ground,
gasping and sputtering, but very much alive. Not that she necessarily minded
all that much, but he usually would be furious at Fuura-chan, and storm off.
It was all she could do to keep up with him at those times.

And this time, she could not find it in her heart to join him in death, at
least not at this moment. Something was stirring in her... something rather
a little lower than her heart.

"Sensei... please don't do this..." she pleaded.

He paused from his ropework only long enough to look down upon her. As it
was, he was quite tall enough to do so; from the stepstool upon which he
stood, his gaze was that much more disdainful. "I cannot do otherwise. There
is no hope for this world. There is no hope for me. This is the only
solution."

She sensed the gnawing hunger deep within her. If she did not tell him of it
now, she might not get another chance. After all, she knew how seriously he
took suicide. "But, sensei... I love you, sensei. Don't you see that?"

"Do I?" he snapped, and resumed tying the hangman's know. "If you truly love
me, you would be prepared to die with me."

"You know I have, sensei... but..." and she turned away, tapping her index
fingers togetther as a blush slowly crept across her face.

"But what?" In his irritation he did not even look at her, so intent was he
on making sure that this time, the know would not fail him. This time, he
would die. No more of this hopeless world, no more of his hopeless students,
and above all, no more of this hopeless girl who had deluded herself into
thinking she was in love with him.

"...we've never consummated our love for each other." Her face grew an ever
brighter shade of red as she lifted her eyes up to meet his. He sighed as he
placed his head in the noose.

"Tsunetsuki-san... can you not look upon this as the ultimate in
consummation? There is nothing beyond death as an expression of true deep
love. I've told you this so many times."

"I know that," and her voice grew quiet as she continued to twiddle her
fingers, "but I still have other needs, too. Couldn't we, just once, before
you - I mean, we - die, couldn't we... make love... just once?" The gnawing
sensation deep within her, sensing the merest hope of possible release,
subsided ever so slightly. Maybe, just maybe, he would be moved to...

"No."

"No?" The gnawing ignited within her once more, more powerful than ever. Her
once flushed face faded as the blood rushed from it to her lower chakras, in
a vain attempt to satiate an appetite she had inside her for something else.
Freed from the blush of shame, her gaze turned predatory, scanning him from
top to toe. "Well, then...

"...I'll just have to wait, until you're ready." She took a step toward him,
and before he realized what was happening, she had nudged the stepstool out
from under him with her foot. "If you're not willing to love me as long as
you're alive," and her hand reached up to his chest as he dangled, slowly
choking against the pressure exerted by the rope under his chin, "it looks
like I'll have to wait until you're dead. It shouldn't be long, after all."
Her hand slid down his kimono, crossed his hakama belt, and stopped at his
crotch. "Then again, who knows how long it will be? They say a man gets a
terrific erection from the effects of strangulation." Even as the rope
continued to tighten against his throat, he could feel her hand as it
caressed him in a spot no student should ever touch their teacher, even if
he is dying.  *Especially* if he is dying...

Hands clawing the air finally reached their objective; he clutched the rope,
pulling himself up so as to alleviate the pressure on his throat. Feet
flailing for purchase finally swung over to where she had pushed the
stepstool, and slowly, painfully, toe by toe, dragged it back to a point
where he could comfortably stand. Finally safe, he pulled the noose off his
head, jumped down, and grabbed the noose and yanked it from the branch.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" he screamed at her, before
stomping away, kicking the stepstool over behind him as he went.

Safely around a nearby corner, he took momentary satisfaction in the sound
of a feminine scream and a crashing noise, as she apparently tripped over
the stepstool in her attempted pursuit.

*Now for the rest of Plan B,* he thought, as he broke into a silent run.

***

"I'm in despair! The price of gasoline has me in despair!"

For that matter, he couldn't find any matches with which to immolate
himself, either. It looked like he was going to have to live to see another
day in spite of himself yet again.

*****

With apologies to Yoko Ishida and 'Hard.'

Itsu mo,
Ucchan  ^_^
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