[FFML] [Ranma][Bleach][Fanfic]Reaping the Souls of the Cursed Chapter 1: Retrospective (Complete)

[Henry Cobb]

Insert standard C&C disclaimer here.

On Mon, Apr 14, 2008 at 9:16 PM, Peter Gallagher <ellfangor8 at gmail.com> wrote:
>  Reaping the Souls of the Cursed
>  By Ellf
>  Chapter One: Retrospective

>  She ran.  That thing was following her, and she didn't know the
>  reason.  What the hell was it?  She needed to get to the seer.  She
>  knew that he/she could help her.  Damn, how was it following her?
>  Wouldn't someone help her out?  She couldn't let it eat her.

This part strikes me as being a bit flat.  How about showing the beasty
chew on the scenery or make some sort of attack on the subject?  If she
made some sort of signature defensive move or response it could start the
build up to the resolution of her identity later on.

>  Ranma knew something was off that day.  For one thing, the fiancées
>  seemed to be avoiding him, and Akane wasn't even insulting him.

Was she avoiding him or interacting with him in a non-insulting way?  And
isn't it much more the case that he insults her in his clumsy manner and
she overreacts?

Perhaps he could say something, then think and realize what it is that he
has said and then cringe against a blow that never arrives.

>  It was only the Monday after their parents
>  had attempted that foolish thing anyways.

Awkward time phrasing here.

>  Something was off though.  What could it have been?  Ranma continued
>  his musings as he continued to walk alongside Akane, on the fence on
>  their way to school.

Using the word continued, which is never very strong, twice in quick
succession weakens it further and drains some life out of this paragraph.
Also the on the fence bit seems to be closer to Akane than Ranma.

Why not flip this all around and use "on the fence" idiomatically?  Ranma
thinks that Akane will accuse him of being on the fence about their
relationship and then when she doesn't say anything he casts his eyes down
to the fence below his feet.

>  Ranma glanced ahead towards the
>  school and saw that Kuno had reformed the Hentai horde,

Are you referring to the boys from school or some other group?

Given that this was disbanded very quickly in the Ranma series and you're
operating past the end of it, you must be talking about some other group,
but it's not clear what exactly.  The Kendo club?

>  The hole in its chest was where its heart should have been, but
>  he could see right through it.

But implies an exception, but usually one can see right through holes.

>  Regardless, as his father said, it was a martial artist's duty to
>  exterminate monsters, and to protect the weak.

I really don't think Ranma looks up to the old panda that much.  I could
see this if Ranma remembered Genma saying this then thought, well why don't
you try it sometime Pop?

>  Ranma took his traditional stance

I think you might want to describe this a bit.

>  As the Ranma pulled his mostly unharmed body out of the wall, he

The Ranma?  There's another one out there?

>  "Your punches have no spiritual force behind them, boy.  You'll have
>  to do better than that to kill me!

Isn't it the spirit of a dead person already?

>  He felt revitalized, not even tired in the least.

Instead of repeating the same concept, why not expand on it by saying he no
longer labored for breath or something?

>  Ranma was unsure of
>  why his clothes [had] changed

>  "A Shinigami?  How?  No matter!  Your pitiful existence will end soon
>  Shinigami or no!"  The creature pushed harder on Ranma's katana with
>  his fist, causing dust to come out as the pigtailed boy slowly was
>  pushed back.

The dust is coming out of the sword?

>  "Really now, try this on for size!"  Ranma wasn't one to usually use
>  weapons, but when given something that made it so he didn't have to
>  touch the creature; he was quite prepared to use it.

Perhaps this could be setup before with some passive defense such as
Ranma's hands being chilled when he struck his foe.

-HJC