[FFML] [Fanfic][SM/?] Terrible Things to Waste: Part 9

[Henry Cobb]

On Wed, Apr 2, 2008 at 11:43 PM, Bastion <bastion at ix.netcom.com> wrote:
> C&C is greatly appreciated.

Well, you asked for it...

>  The crashing waves shook Amy from her slumber.  A breeze rustled
>  through her short blue hair, depositing more sand in the tangled
>  strands.  Sluggishly, she sat up, letting the coarse sand sticking to
>  her palms rub painfully against her skin.  Dark blue undulations of
>  the sea's surface jumped and played before her view.  She knew of no
>  ocean with such a deep, almost black hue.

I think you missed a chance to (re)introduce us to the character,
while setting the scene.

Think about what this would read like if told from inside Amy's head.
She's always got her nose in a book and is studying to be a doctor so
perhaps she could be gathering facts that at first seem to be
unrelated and then building a picture of the situation up from that.
While Rei would quickly focus on whatever it was she was supposed to
be doing and shrug off anything that didn't contribute to or oppose
that and Usagi might first focus on her own feelings. ("I feel hungry,
where's food?")

>  "You're finally awake, Mercury."  The woman acknowledged[,] still
>  staring at the sea as a warm gush of wind rustled her green curls.  "I
>  had no idea you were such a sound sleeper."

I think there ought to be a comma in that spot, but Neptune's too
polite to not look at somebody's she's talking to.  How about start
with Neptune focused on the sea, which she should feel a deep
connection to then have a beat that brings her focus to the younger
sailor.

>  Nodding, Amy proceeded to activate the computer.  "Right.  I'll
>  figure out where exactly we are and then I'll see if I can track down
>  everyone else.  That's if that vortex in didn't warp my computer."

Using the word computer twice like this makes a dry word even duller.
Why not show her action of activation, such as pulling her visor out
of hammerspace and then after calmly doing her magic, explaining it
dryly?

>  "The sea is not calling to me.  This is not Earth."  Michelle answered
>  simply.

This could have been foreshadowed earlier with Neptune's discomfort or worry.

>  "Uh yes, I can."  Perking up, Amy decided to let the issue drop for
>  the sake of peace.  Plus, she didn't get very many opportunities to
>  discuss the workings of her computer.  She tried on several occasions
>  with the others, but they just never seemed interested.  "Each scout
>  gives off a specific aura of power that acts like beacon.  I have all
>  of auras calibrated on my computer."

All of whose auras?

>  In a flash, Michelle stood over Amy, leaving the younger scout
>  drowning in her shadow.  "Where is she?"

This turn of phrase really doesn't work for me.  I think I could have
accepted the shadow either gathering like a storm or crashing like a
wave, but to drown you first must plunge.

>  Now Amy could
>  understand Michelle's concern as well as her apprehension.  If a
>  scared Victoria was forced to defend herself as Sailor Saturn, she
>  couldn't fathom the devastation she could inflict upon this world.

You are repeating the same pronoun, but referring to two different
nouns.  I suggest a rewrite to move things around to avoid this.

>  "We shouldn't waste any more time."  Stepping away from Amy, Michelle
>  started down the beach and motioned to her stationary companion.
>  "Let's go."

Is Neptune motioning without looking back or walking backwards?
Perhaps offering a hand or simply pulling Mercury to her feet would
work better.

>  She then turned to the child's bladed staff relaxing against her
>  father's tarnished armor.

The child's father or the narrator's father?

>  A rustling of the thick blankets drew her attention.  The child
>  rubbed her eyes mumbling something she couldn't decipher.  When the
>  child's eyes opened and fixed on her, her limbs stiffened, paralyzed.
>  Then she squeaked and tried to retreat back underneath the covers.

More dancing pronouns.  Switching to first person would reduce this to
she and I which would be less trouble to follow.

>  Despite her wariness, she smiled hoping to make the child realize she
>  wasn't dangerous.  'My name is Nausicaa and this is the Valley of the
>  Wind.'

You do realize that they are both resurrected saviors, right?

>  She could see Darien was struggling, but finally he relaxed and his
>  expression soften just a tad.  "Okay, Serena.  We'll help him, but we
>  need to be careful."

Softened

Keep consistent verb tense.

>  "Oh God yes."  Serena agreed giving the Timelord another glance.  He
>  looked deceivingly peaceful asleep but they all knew what he was
>  capable of.  "I said we should be nice to him[,] not entrust him with our
>  first born."


>  As the two Timelords gathered them together, Serena notice[d that] Nahtan
>  place[d] a black pole on Tracer's chest and pressed a button.
>  He squeezed and held her close.

>  Cindy found herself stopped in the middle of the street, staring
>  intently at her clench[ed] fists.  A few droplets were wetting her

>  Digging into one of his coat pockets, David revealed a small,
>  spherical crystal.  "I thought you[]r[] marionette might like this
>  addition to her accessories."

His brother is not a marionette?

>  Matt watched[,] eager to see David's awe as he viewed the sophisticated
>  circuitry of the marionette.  Instead, Matt felt a pang of
>  disappointment when his brother swept over the complexity of wires and
>  plugs lazily not at all soaking in its beauty.  To his credit, David
>  did stare at the colorful large lens at the epicenter of the mass of
>  wires.

>  The die has been cast.  Everyone's has been split up and surprising
>  twists have been revealed and we've only just started this arc!  As
>  the anime series begin piling up what will be the fate of our lovely
>  soldiers?

SInce they're scouts rather than soldiers, they'll get merit badges if
they manage to navigate their way out of this mess.

-HJC