[FFML] [Ace Ventura][Ranma 1/2] Ace Ventura: Suddenly Seeking Panda #2

[Matthew Miller]

This is arguably the stupidest well written thing I've ever read. Ace
Ventura, a leading contender for the stupidest movie ever made,
crossed with Ranma in a bizzare, twisted, and disturbingly obvious
plot line makes me wonder if I am in fact getting dumber. These two
series should never even be mentioned in the same breath, and you've
managed to mix the two easily. That frightens me. I find absolutely no
problems with suspension of disbelief or interseries continuity. That
disturbs me.

Ace's humor doesn't translate very well, but you've done an exception
job of keep the frivolous nature of him. He's a buffoon, and a
remarkably consistent one. He fits in perfectly.

Ranma's cast is slightly muted from normal, but that's fine. The story
flows well, I like your dialogue, and most of the gags hit. When they
miss, meh, there's another coming along shortly. I also really like
your portrayal of Nabiki's mental workings.

The only negative criticism I have is you seem to be following all the
fanficion conventions. Nabiki extorts money, Ryouga gets lost and
winds up on other continents, etc. It isn't a problem because the
story is absurd to begin with, but I'm not fond of it. I wonder if
introducing the whole cast is really necessary. If you enjoy it, rock
on. But it may get difficult to drag the lot of them around with you.

Anyway, huzzah huzzah. Go to it.

Miashara
Left handed compliments since 1997

On 9/27/07, Rebecca Heineman <burgerbecky7 at yahoo.com> wrote:
> Ace Ventura: Suddenly Seeking Panda: Chapter 2, The hunt for Bon-Bon
>
> by Rebecca Ann Heineman
>
> Takes place sometime late in the Ranma 1/2 timeline for no apparent reason,
> again.
>
> Ace Ventura: Pet Detective characters created by Jack Bernstein, Jim Carrey
> and Tom Shadyac. Ranma 1/2 characters were created by Rumiko Takahashi.
>
> I don't own these characters. Please don't sue me, kill me or feed me dog
> biscuits.
>
>
> ===========================================
>
>
> Happosai gazed at his two students in disgust as he stood on the top of a
> tall telephone pole somewhere in the outskirts of the Nerima ward of Tokyo.
> He impatiently crossed his arms and kept a stern gaze at the men below in
> the moonlight as they clumsily crawled under several thorny rose bushes on
> their way to the prize. Keeping a watchful eye on the larger of the two, he
> followed every motion his large body made as he tried unsuccessfully to
> squeeze by the bush without filling his skin with thorns. The old man
> grinned as they suffered under his cruel training regiment. A few minutes
> passed, and his pupils returned, holding the most precious things known to
> man: Panties!
>
> The men slithered up the pole to greet their Master, when short balding
> pervert scowled at them. "You have done, so-so." He snatched the bag from
> the hand of Genma Saotome, the man who reached him first. With hardly any
> effort at all, he kicked Genma in the face and the portly man slid down the
> pole right into Soun. The two tumbled the rest of the way down, with Soun's
> bag of female underwear breaking their fall.
>
> "What did I do to anger the Master?" asked Mr. Saotome with a puzzled look
> on his face and a bra on his head.
>
> Mr. Tendo replied as he removed the pair of panties that had somehow managed
> to appear on his forehead. "I'm not quite sure, Saotome. Perhaps, your son
> may have had something to do with it?"
>
> "Ungrateful boy. He should be here placating the Master instead of us."
> Genma got up and brushed off more female underwear when the street became
> lit with an eerie blue glow.
>
> Both men knew what that glow meant. They had seen it far too many times in
> the past and knew exactly what to do in such a situation. They both turned
> tail and ran as fast as their legs could carry them.
>
> The mob of angry women, whose battle auras gave off that glow, quickly gave
> chase with shouts of "Pervert", "Masher" and "Are you single?" reverberating
> into the night.
>
> Once the crowd had disappeared into the distance, the Founding Grand-master
> of the Anything Goes School of Martial Arts, a set of techniques created for
> the sole purpose of pleasing a dirty old man, jumped down from the telephone
> pole and picked up the few items of clothing that the pretty ladies had
> somehow left behind. He pulled out his pipe and a rag and used the cloth to
> make the pipe shine. He lit the pipe and took a small puff, patiently
> leaning against a wall as if he had all the time in the world.
>
> Five minutes later, two missiles were seen streaking through the sky and
> they landed only meters away from Happosai with a loud crash. Once the smoke
> cleared, the old man spoke nonchalantly, "I think you two deserve a five
> minute break. Good work."
>
> Inside the crater lay two middle aged martial artists, Genma and Soun. They
> were covered in bruises and injuries from the result of a mob attack. Soun
> groaned, "thank you, Master." He then passed out.
>
> Genma croaked out, "you're too kind." He too joined his friend in the land
> of slumber.
>
> "Yes, I'm the generous one." Happosai smiled as he produced a flask of
> water. He poured a small amount on Genma which triggered his transformation
> into his panda form. "I see you're still cursed. Pity. Had you found a cure,
> I would have enjoyed beating it out of you. Still... Bon-Bon, I know you're
> holding out on me and for that, I'll have to train you until you show me
> what you did with that money."
>
> As Happosai maniacally laughed, a raccoon in a ninja suit quietly
> disappeared into the trees.
>
> ===========================================
>
>
> It was a lovely Saturday morning. Nabiki smiled as she gingerly went over
> her to-do list for the day. She had to fill the orders she had gotten in the
> last twenty four hours of photos of Ranma-chan in female undergarments,
> pictures of Akane in action poses which all went to a specific rich client
> in the center of Nerima and other assorted trinkets like handkerchiefs and
> wall scrolls all adorned with the likeness of a certain red-head. Just a few
> more days of sales at this rate, she'd be able to buy that digital camcorder
> she had her eye on. Now, that little baby was going to create even more
> streams of revenue, once she could figure out this thing called Youtube.
>
> She happily whistled as she picked up her school bag and ran downstairs.
> There, seated at the dining room table was her younger sister, Akane and her
> fiancee, Ranma who this time was in male guise. "I see you managed to keep
> dry this morning."
>
> Ranma didn't bother to look at Nabiki. He paused a second from eating his
> rice to give a sarcastic reply. "Ha, ha, ha."
>
> She broke her chopsticks apart and was about to start eating when she
> noticed something was amiss; three somethings to be exact, "where's Daddy
> and Mr. Saotome?"
>
> "You got me." Ranma shrugged and put down his bowl. "I ain't seen 'em this
> morning. Now that you mention it, I think they're still out with the ol'
> freak."
>
> "I hope Daddy isn't getting into trouble." Akane sighed then added, "at
> least not too much trouble."
>
> "With that ol' guy leadin' 'em? Who knows what they're up to." Ranma shook
> his head in disgust. "I just hope that ol' fart doesn't come back. I'm sick
> and tired of him tryin' to get me into one of those outfits he keeps gettin'
> me."
>
> "But Ranma, or shall I say, Ranko?" Nabiki started.
>
> Ranma ended her sentence with a hateful glare. "That ain't my name."
>
> "Ooohhh, I'll remember that this afternoon when your mother stops by."
>
> "You wouldn't."
>
> "Five thousand yen." She held out her hand.
>
> Akane got up from the table and turned her head back to her fiancee. "Serves
> you right, it was your stupid idea to use that name anyways. When are you
> going to tell her who you are?"
>
> "Grrr..." Ranma growled, clenching his teeth and barely holding his anger in
> check. "It's all Pop's fault! He's the one who wrote up that suicide pact!"
>
> "And you signed it too, remember?" Nabiki's eyes narrowed and she smirked
> with glee. Akane shook her head and ran out the door headed for school.
>
> "I was only six at the time. How am I supposed to remember something I did
> when I was a kid?"
>
> "Doesn't matter, you signed it. For now Saotome, it's five thousand yen or
> I'll remind you exactly what you said just now at a very inconvenient time.
> Which will it be?" She widened her smirk and wiggled her fingers, waiting
> for the payout.
>
> "Choke on it." He pulled out his wallet and gave her every yen he had.
>
> "You're bit short. I guess I may or may not remind you. Of course, if you
> manage to come up with the rest of the cash, you'd find my memory would
> become very faulty tonight. See you later, Ranko, or was it Ranma?" With
> that, she grabbed her school bag and left for school right behind Akane.
>
> "Why that no good, lousy, dirty..." SPLASH. In a high pitched voice, Ranko
> continued, "rotten, stinking, wait a minute? Why'd you go and do that for?"
>
> Happosai opened a large box that contained a Sailor Senshi uniform, Sailor
> Jupiter to be precise, "I'd like you to try on this little number."
>
> With a swift kick, Ranko sent the uniform and the old pervert out into the
> backyard. "In your dreams you sicko!"
>
> "T-t-that's no way to talk to your elders." Genma sat down at his place at
> the breakfast table. His clothes were all torn up and his body looked like
> it had been run over by a truck, a bulldozer, a herd of wildebeest and
> finally tossed into a deep pit filled with starving cats. Sniffing the air,
> Ranko wondered if that smell was the residue of fish sausages, but no one
> would make someone go through THAT training. But then, this was her father
> she was thinking about and his stupidity knew no bounds. "So Pop, you
> decided to try out the Neko-ken?"
>
> "Meow." Then the elder Saotome fell face forward onto the table, quivering.
>
> Ranko jumped back and made warding signs with her hands. That sound was way
> too close to the real thing for her tastes. "Please tell me you're kidding."
>
> Soun sat down next to Genma. His clothes were just as torn, his body was
> just as ruined and he had the distinct odor of fish. He only remained erect
> for a few seconds before he too fell face first onto the table. Kasumi
> emerged from the kitchen holding two large trays of food. Once she saw her
> father and Mr. Saotome resting on the table, she spun around and went back
> into the kitchen to cover their breakfast in plastic wrap for later.
>
> Ranko was getting worried. "Mr. Tendo? Are you okay?"
>
> Soun shivered. "The claws... They're coming to get me..."
>
> "You didn't, did you?" She stared at the two men in disbelief. "How could
> you? You know how dangerous that technique is. And..." She stopped in
> mid-sentence as it dawned on her that it wasn't their idea in the first
> place to undergo THAT training. No, it would take a totally deranged mind to
> intentionally put anyone through that ordeal. The same deranged mind who's
> deranged hands were holding a box that contained a deranged set of what
> could be female clothes, but there was so little fabric there, it could
> almost pass for dental floss.
>
> "How about this little number instead?"
>
> "I ain't wearin' that! Moko Takabisha!" She placed her hands into position
> and fired a bolt of ki energy, incinerating what little fabric Happosai was
> holding.
>
> The old man patted his hands together to wipe away the ashes. "I paid good
> money for that." Another box materialized in his hands, "maybe you'd like
> this?" He held up a box that had a high quality Peorth costume which for
> anyone who knew the Oh, My Goddess Manga, the outfit barely passed as a
> swimsuit. "I had it made just for you."
>
> "I ain't interested!" She grabbed the box and threw it into the living room.
> A punch later, Happosai went flying out the backyard again. "Geez, that old
> coot just won't quit."
>
> Kasumi made a gentle cough to grab Ranko's attention. As she turned to see
> what the eldest Tendo sister wanted, she saw that she was pointing to a wall
> clock that showed she had only five minutes to get to school. "AAAHH!" In a
> blur, Ranko grabbed her school bag, wolfed down the last of her breakfast
> and bolted out the front door.
>
> "Oh, my." Kasumi shook her head in disapproval.
>
> "Now, now, Kasumi-chan. Why do you think that?" Happosai asked in a soft
> innocent voice.
>
> "You know why. That wasn't very nice."
>
> Tossing aside an empty box, he smiled a perverted grin. "She'll thank me."
>
> Five minutes later, Miss Hinako Ninomiya, the pint-sized homeroom and
> English teacher shushed her students to keep order and continue to call
> roll. "Shh, class," she looked at a certain student and used the proper
> pronoun, "Miss Saotome?"
>
> Ranko spoke with her head firmly planted on her desk in shame. "Here." She
> was wearing a young girl's sailor style school uniform with a white blouse,
> short blue skirt and a red collar instead of her usual red shirt and black
> pants.
>
> Yuka tapped Akane's shoulder, "why's he dressed like that?"
>
> Akane sighed. "Don't ask."
>
> ===========================================
>
>
> Ace Ventura was sitting on a bench in a park near a lake in the center of
> the Nerima ward of Tokyo. Strewn everywhere were paper napkins with crude
> drawings of traps and pandas. A monkey picked up one of the napkins and used
> it to blow his nose. Looking around innocently, he placed the napkin back on
> the ground where he found it and smiled evilly.
>
> The pet detective was oblivious to the events happening on the ground as he
> was holding an empty plastic cup to his ear and tilted his head so he could
> listen in on two black crows cawing at each other. After a minute of
> eavesdropping, he still wasn't satisfied with what he was hearing. He
> lowered the cup and faced the two birds in frustration, "so, who's Mamoru
> and who's Yuichiro?" He raised a suspicious eyebrow, "who's she really in
> love with?" The two birds stopped talking and stare at the pet detective. He
> barked back at them. "It's a good question. Who's she after?"
>
> One of the two birds hopped forward and make a few cawing sounds.
>
> "You say she's in love with Usagi? Wait, doesn't that mean Bunny? Hmm... An
> animal lover, I like her already."
>
> A chittering sound drew Ace's attention away from the two gossiping crows.
> There sat one of his elite Ninja Raccoons. The animal made a few gestures
> with his paws and pointed toward a picture of a panda on the ground. "So,
> you saw Bon-Bon? Good boy! I guess we're eating steak tonight!"
>
> A tiny AT-ST Walker, driven by an Imperial Squirrel aimed its laser cannons
> at Ace. Everywhere, little white suited squirrels aimed their firearms at
> the detective.
>
> He held his hands up and surrendered. "And nuts, lots of nuts!"
>
> A chipmunk commander gave the order to stand down.
>
> "That's the last time I'm letting you watch the Star Wars saga as a
> marathon. Now, boys, we know where he is, all we gotta do is bring him home.
> You know what to do, right?"
>
> The animals collectively shrugged.
>
> "Do I have to do the thinking around here?"
>
> The animals collectively got worried.
>
> "Here's the plan." Ace pointed at the napkins on the sidewalk. "This is what
> we're going to do."
>
> Each and every animal was panic stricken.
>
> ===========================================
>
>
> "Oh, there has got to be a great story behind this one, Saotome." Nabiki
> barely could control her laughter.
>
> Ukyou was taking this in stride since it wasn't the first time Ranma came to
> school in female form. "Yeah, Ranchan, who're you trying to out girl today?
> If it's Tsubasa, don't bother, I can take care of him for you."
>
> Ranko grumbled while sitting down on a bench at a lunch table. She may be a
> guy, but she knew enough that sitting on the grass was bad for her skirt.
>
> "If there's some sort of martial arts competition you're training for, I
> need to know." Nabiki pulled out her notepad. "I have to figure out the
> odds."
>
> "Ask the old pervert, he did this to me."
>
> "Why am I not surprised?" Ukyou rolled her eyes in mock shock. "That's the
> third time this month. Didn't he do this when your mother came by last?"
>
> "Don't remind me. Thanks to him, my mom thinks I'm a cross-dressing
> pervert."
>
> "Oh? And you're not a cross-dressing pervert right now?" Nabiki replied.
>
> "Grrr... You know what I mean! If I hadn't of peeped on Akane, mom woulda
> had my head for sure."
>
> Ukyou blinked. She looked at Akane, then back to Ranko. "You peeped on
> Akane?"
>
> Nabiki held out an envelope, "five thousand yen and trust me, it's worth
> more."
>
> Ukyou slipped Nabiki the money and pocketed the envelope. Sighing, the chef
> shook her head at the idea of Happosai and his strange tastes, "At least
> you're a girl, in a way I'm glad that old man isn't taking a fancy for boys.
> I hate to think if he's expanding his pool of victims." Behind Ukyou Kuonji,
> several men who were eavesdropping quaked in fear. Hiroshi, one of Ranma's
> friends, ran off to the bathroom to lose his lunch.
>
> "Nah, the ol' freak only likes girls. Me, I'd like him to just go away."
>
> "Pig-tailed girl!"
>
> "Talk about someone I'd like to make go away."
>
> Tatewaki Kuno, the resident upperclassman and hopeless romantic for not one,
> but two attractive ladies, of which one wasn't really female, approached and
> grabbed the red-head in a loving embrace. "You've finally come to express
> your affections for me!"
>
> "Give me a break, will ya?" A well placed kick sent the amorous kendoist
> into the sky leaving a trail of red flower petals in his wake.
>
> "Gee, at least he's not bothering me today." Ukyou smiled. She was wearing
> her male Furinkan school uniform and a giant spatula strapped to her back.
>
> Nabiki finished chewing on a piece of tuna roll. "I can see why. You're not
> doing the girl thing anymore."
>
> "Hey, I do what I want! Besides, my dress needs to be cleaned." A plastic
> wrapped Furinkan girl's school uniform appeared. It was held by two branches
> of a tree that was standing next to the lunch bench.
>
> A voice came from the tree. "My dear sweet Ukyou, I had your uniform cleaned
> and pressed."
>
> Akane sighed again. It was a common thing around Ranko and her friends to
> have unexpected guests arrive. "I see that your admirer is back."
>
> "Tsubasa!" Ukyou made a fist and squinted her face in anger. "For the last
> time, NO, I'm not going out with you!" She unhooked her spatula and with a
> mighty swing, she sent Tsubasa in his tree disguise into the sky. Instantly,
> she realized a grave mistake she had done. "Oh, no! He's got my uniform! Do
> you know how much that costs?" Instantly, Ukyou gave chase to the rapidly
> disappearing cross dressing stalker. "Give me back my uniform!"
>
> Nabiki swallowed the last of her tuna roll and rested her head on her hands.
> Her elbows were on the table and she gave a knowing grin like a Cheshire cat
> moments before vanishing. "So, where'd you get that school uniform? It looks
> expensive."
>
> Ranko pulled on the fabric of the sailor collar on her school uniform. "How
> am I supposed to know? I don't buy this kind of stuff."
>
> "Sure you don't, and all those disguises you have came from Akane's closet,
> right?"
>
> She waved her had dismissively. "Nah, nothing she's got fits me. The tops
> are too tight and the hips are too baggy."
>
> Busted, thought Nabiki. Akane turned red and landed an angry punch on her
> fiance. That was all the retribution Nabiki needed to see to consider
> Ranko's rudeness properly punished. Nabiki paused for a moment to watch
> Ranko fly over the school wall when she spoke in a bored manner. "So, Sis,
> do you know where he got that outfit?"
>
> "Who cares? Let him wear girl's gym shorts for that matter."
>
> "It's not like he hasn't already."
>
> Akane sighed again, and walked away.
>
> Nabiki took her notepad and flipped it to the back with her other notes. She
> added a notation about custom fitted expensive high school uniforms with
> shorter than normal skirts. She thought to herself, so Happosai is in on it
> too. This complicates things.
>
> Ranko flipped into a landing position and guided her fall. A moment later,
> she landed feet first at the edge of a lake in a small park. "Whew, I'd hate
> to ruin my dress. GAH! What the heck am I thinkin'?"
>
> She placed her hands on her breasts and gave them a small squeeze. "Whew.
> I'm still female. What a relief. I'd hate to have someone get the wrong idea
> about me."
>
> A guy standing nearby dropped his coffee onto the ground from his limp hand.
> "A lesbian... Wow... I've never seen one in action before."
>
> "I guess I spoke to soon." Suddenly, a bicycle flew from nowhere and landed
> on Ranko's head.
>
> A carefully executed flip placed Shampoo right in front of her beloved
> Amazon husband. And without further delay, she grabbed her and snuggled in
> her bosom. "Nihao, Ranma! You take Shampoo on date?" She lunged forward to
> place a kiss on Ranko's lips when a gasp and a heavy thud distracted the
> Amazon. The man had fallen over unconscious, blood streaming from his nose.
>
> "Hmmpht, man weak. Not like husband, right?"
>
> "Sh-Sh-Shampoo, get off of me!" Ranko tried to pull away, but the smaller
> girl held on tight.
>
> "Not until you take Shampoo on date, no?"
>
> "No! I gotta go to.... Uh..." Her uniform! "School! That's it! I've got to
> get back before lunch break is over."
>
> "Is Saturday, husband out of school. Shampoo not let go until husband
> promise take Shampoo on date!" The Amazon made it clear with the look in her
> eyes that no or any word resembling no was not an acceptable answer.
>
> "How dare you force yourself on my Shampoo." A silhouette appeared and
> approached a nearby tree. "Leave my darling Shampoo alone!"
>
> "Stupid Mousse." Shampoo stuck her nose into the air.
>
> "Oh." Mousse put his glasses on and noticed that he was talking to a tree.
> "You're not Ranma."
>
> Ranko continued to struggle to remove Shampoo from her person. "I'm over
> here, moron."
>
> "Ranma Saotome, prepare to die!" Mousse pulled out a large mace and chain.
>
> "If I got a hundred yen every time someone said that..." Ranko and Shampoo
> dodged the incoming weapon and landed in a few centimeters of water. "Hey,
> you almost ruined my dress!" She froze. There was one of THEM nearby.
> Looking down, there was a white and purple cat looking back up at her.
> "C-c-caaaat!!"
>
> Needing no other excuse, she bolted away at top speed. Seconds later, Mousse
> ran after her. "Come back here, Saotome! I'll... Quack! Quack!" The hidden
> weapons master failed to notice that the most direct route to his prey
> involved a body of water.
>
> Shampoo the cat stepped out of the lake and onto shore. There, she shook
> herself off and walked over to her bicycle. Using her paws, she slid open
> the ramen box and found the thermos she kept for just such an emergency,
> Using her teeth, she unscrewed the lid and was about to use the hot water
> inside when a hand came out of nowhere and took the hot water away.
>
> "I'm feasting tonight!" Ace gulped down a little water, then spit it out.
> "This is just hot water. Where's the Java?" He poured out the rest of the
> hot water onto the ground, much to the shock of a purple cat. He rummaged
> around in the box some more. "This case looks familiar." He inhaled the
> aroma. "That smells familiar." He grabbed the bowl of ramen. "This tastes
> familiar." He ate the ramen all up.
>
> That made Shampoo angry. Now she was going to have to get another order and
> explain to her Great Grandmother how the delivery was stolen. She growled.
>
> "Hey there kitty. Want some ramen? Too bad, because Daddy just ate it all,
> see." He showed the empty bowl to the cat. "Want some yarn instead?"
>
> "Rowr!" Shampoo attacked, swiftly, furiously and with no mercy.
>
> Moments later, a damp human female Shampoo picked up her empty ramen box and
> bicycle and stuck her nose up at the weak foreigner. "Stupid man. You no
> anger woman of Amazon tribe." She got on her bike and ran over Ace's
> unconscious body before leaving the park.
>
> Ace slowly lifted his head up a few centimeters and whispered in a
> questioning voice, "Since when do cats learn karate?
>
> "Bwee!" A little black piglet who was wandering by took one look at Ace and
> ran away. A squirrel driven AT-ST walker, three speeder bikes driven by
> chipmunks and a small group of Imperial Squirrels on foot gave chase.
>
> Ace mumbled. "Go get Charlotte boys. You'll get an extra bag of nuts tonight
> if you catch her." He fell back, out cold.
>
> ===========================================
>
>
> "At least Saturday's a half day."
>
> Akane growled back. "If you're trying to cheer me up, it isn't working."
>
> Nabiki shrugged. "Since school's already out, he can't blame you for missing
> class."
>
> "What's that supposed to mean?"
>
> "Oh, nothing. Do me a favor Sis. If you see him before I do, remind him he
> still owes me thirty five hundred yen. Bye!" She ran off in another
> direction.
>
> "Where's she going in such a hurry?" Akane wondered out loud. She paused and
> sighed again. She leaned over to a nearby stone wall and calmed herself
> down. She remembered some words of wisdom given to her last year. Don't hit
> anyone in anger. She sank against the wall in depression. "I really should
> control my temper. But, he makes me so mad."
>
> She saw that moment clearly. Kasumi had taken her aside and asked in a
> gentle but firm tone, "promise me Akane, don't hit anyone in anger."
>
> Again she sighed. Maybe, a walk might calm her nerves. It wasn't like they
> were going to let her help cook something nice for Mrs. Saotome when she
> stopped by tonight. She turned and walked toward a place she knew would
> soothe her soul. After walking for ten minutes, she entered a large park
> with a lake in the center of Nerima. Memories flooded her of when she was
> little and her mother played with her on the swings. She giggled in
> happiness and skipped like a little girl along the concrete path. No, that's
> not right, it's too rough. Preferring the soft earth of a dirt path she
> liked to travel on, she looked in every direction for it. Where was it? She
> spied a familiar dirt path that led into a grove of trees. With a twinkle in
> her eye, she skipped down the trail and out of sight of the public. Here,
> she was surrounded by tall trees. If she let herself imagine it, she could
> almost believe she was deep somewhere in a rain-forest lost, kilometers away
> from the nearest civilization. The noise of the traffic coming from only
> twenty meters away broke the illusion of isolation. Paying it no mind, she
> hopped, skipped and jumped over a patch of grass that lay in the middle of
> the path. She was about to continue when she heard a familiar sound.
> Happily, she turned around.
>
> There, on the other side of the patch of grass she jumped over, sat her
> beloved P-Chan. "P-Chan! What are you doing here? She ran toward her pet pig
> when the ground gave way and she fell into a giant bear trap.
>
> In the park, Ace felt a tug on the string tied to his big toe. He lifted his
> head out of the dumpster and was pleased. Clasping his hands together in
> glee, he exclaimed in a loud voice, "I see we've got ourselves a satisfied
> customer. Let's go get Bon-Bon, shall we?" Taking the lead, Ace marched with
> pride as he led a legion of Stormtrooper Squirrels and Ninja Raccoons to
> collect their well earned reward. "The trap has sprung, just like I planned
> it!"
>
> One raccoon was a bit surprised, "his plan worked?"
>
> A chipmunk commander answered. "there's a first time for everything."
>
> Ace snapped back. "I heard that." The two mumbling critters quickly stopped
> their conversation and stuck their tongues out at him the moment he turned
> away from them. The detective stopped at the edge of the bear trap and
> peered down into the darkness. He listened carefully to the tone, timbre and
> breath patterns to determine the species of animal he had caught. Ace was
> not pleased. "Darn, I caught a gorilla."
>
> An instant later, Akane Tendo leapt out of the pit. She was encased in a
> bright blue aura with a faint outline of flame. Landing next to her pet pig,
> she scoop him up and spun to face the man who made that comment. With a
> flash of recognition, she snarled at Ace. "YOU! I know you! You're the one
> who stole my P-Chan!"
>
> "Yep, I caught a gorilla. This is gunna hurt, right?"
>
> Akane answered by rolling up her sleeves, putting her pet pig down and
> approaching the American with murder in her eyes. "Sorry, Kasumi, but this
> is for my P-Chan."
>
> The raccoons, squirrels and other animals covered their eyes. The few that
> watched would be scarred for life at the scenes of brutality they witnessed.
>
> ===========================================
>
>
> "Hello, is anybody home?" A cheerful voice from a middle aged woman filled
> the Tendo home with warmth and love. The other source of positive energy
> answered. "Oh, my, why hello there Mrs. Saotome. Welcome."
>
> Nodoka Saotome, Ranma's mother and wife to Genma Saotome entered and bowed
> to the eldest Tendo sister, Kasumi. "You always make me feel welcome. Please
> tell me, is my son here?"
>
> Kasumi hated lying to cover up Genma and Ranma's presence, so she passed the
> buck. "I'm not sure. You can ask my father." She led Mrs. Saotome into the
> house, As they neared a corner that blocked the view to the dining room and
> back yard, she spoke in a loud voice. "I'm sure my father would love to
> speak with you, Mrs. Saotome."
>
> Kasumi heard a splash and it was the signal that the coast was clear. "He's
> right over here." She led Nodoka toward the back of the house.
>
> Soun sat at a Shogi board and across from him was a soaking wet giant panda
> who was also seated for playing Shogi.
>
> "Why Mr. Panda? I haven't seen you in a while. Have you been feeling
> better?"
>
> The panda produced a wooden sign that read, "never felt better, somebody
> else's wife."
>
> Nodoka giggled. "Soun, your niece trained her panda well. It's almost as if
> he understood me.
>
> Soun smiled. "Yes, Ranm.... Ranko is an excellent panda trainer."
>
> Nodoka's face brightened at the almost mention of her son's name. "Ranma?
> Have you seen Ranma? I hope he's here."
>
> The Tendo patriarch sat with respect. "I'm afraid not. He and your husband
> left on another training journey. I don't know when they will return."
>
> "I see." Nodoka sulked. "I must keep the faith the my son is a man among
> men."
>
> "Indeed he is. He is worthy to marry my daughter, Akane. In fact, where is
> she?"
>
> Kasumi wondered about that too. "I'm not sure. Nabiki came home half an hour
> ago, but I haven't seen Akane yet. I do hope she hasn't been kidnapped
> again."
>
> Nodoka's eyes grew wide. "Kidnapped? Again?"
>
> "Don't worry, Ranma always has been able to rescue her. If she is in
> trouble, he'll take care of things." Soun smiled and went back to his Shogi
> game.
>
> "I must say, I'm surprised at the way you are reacting to the possibility
> that your daughter may be in danger. Is my son that dependable? That manly?
> Oh, I'm so proud of him. I can't wait to see him."
>
> Nabiki came down the stairs. "Oh, I'm sure you'll see him soon." She spoke
> with a air of boredom and then added silently, when Ranko comes back from
> school. She sat on a small sofa nearby and reached over and got the TV
> remote control and flipped on the television set. She surfed the TV
> channels, until she came to the one she wanted. She turned up the volume a
> little and put the control back down. "So, I see Mr. Panda is back from the
> vet? Did you finally get him fixed?"
>
> The panda's brow suddenly became beaded with sweat. He pulled out a wooden
> sign that read, "you can't fix me, I'm an endangered species!"
>
> "Yeah, you're something that can't be fixed all right." Nabiki kept her gaze
> at the panda as the newscast switched over to local news.
>
> A stuffy looking salaryman sat at a news desk next to a scantily clad young
> woman who looked like she could still be in high school. The duo made witty
> scripted banter on their telecast, reporting on current news. Soon, a photo
> of a panda bear at the Ueno zoo appeared in the corner of the screen. The
> woman's face filled the TV screen, her perfect smile and cute dimples
> designed to draw in as many viewers as possible. "And police are still
> investigating the disappearance of Bon-Bon, the giant panda, from the Ueno
> zoo last week. Here from Tokyo, is Chief Tanaka to give us an update."
>
> Nabiki kept her grin to herself as she watched the panda squirm.
>
> A portly policeman was being interviewed by a different cute young female
> reporter. The fat man spoke in a practiced authoritative voice. "I'm here to
> announce that we have gotten some good leads in the case, and we have the
> best detective in the world assisting us. I'm pleased to announce that
> Detective Ace Ventura is hot on the trail and he assures us that he will be
> bringing Bon-Bon back shortly."
>
> Nabiki had all the evidence she needed. Leaving the TV on, she left the room
> all the while watching how Mr. Panda fidgeted and sweated as a photo of
> Bon-Bon was displayed on TV. The spots on Bon-Bon were the same as Mr.
> Panda. Now it was time to put the second phase of her plan into action.
>
> She went into her room and locked the door. She pulled out her cell phone
> and read her notes. A moment later, she dialed a number and waited for an
> answer.
>
> "Hello, may I speak with Mr. Utada? Yes, I'll hold."
>
> A minute later of listening to the song 'If I could talk to the animals', a
> gruff voice came on. "This is Mr. Utada."
>
> "Hello, I'm Nabiki Tendo. I understand there is a reward for the safe return
> of the panda called Bon-Bon. Yes. There is? What are the terms? No
> questions? Well... Today may be your lucky day..."
>
> ===========================================
>
>
> "This time for sure." Ace limped and held onto a tree for support. He was
> covered in assorted bandages and sported several bruises on his face.
> "There's no way this will fail."
>
> The two turtle doves glanced at each other and shrugged their wings. The
> pair flew up into the tree and tied off the last of the ropes that secured
> the net.
>
> "Now, we just have to wait. Did you get what I asked for?"
>
> The chipmunk commander saluted and his trio of speeder bike riding chipmunks
> swooped in and deposited a pile of bamboo directly under the hidden net.
>
> "Alrighty then! All we have to do is hide and wait." The pet detective
> crawled on his knees and avoided using his arms since they were still sore
> from being twisted like a pretzel. That girl named Akane may have looked
> human, but she must have had gorilla DNA somewhere in her bloodstream,
> thought Ace.
>
> He sat and waited. A few minutes later, a bike rode through the small
> clearing, ridden by a purple haired Chinese girl. "That karate cat belongs
> to her. Hide!"
>
> Once the girl rode out of sight, silence filled the clearing again and Ace
> breathed a sigh of relief. Suddenly, there was a loud noise as the net fell
> from the tree and landed directly on top of the pile of bamboo. Ace rubbed
> his hands in glee. "I got him! It looks like I'm getting..." He stood up and
> saw that the trap appeared to be empty. The net was laying on the ground and
> there was no panda bear to be seen anywhere. "Rats."
>
> A dozen rats appeared, one wore a french chef's hat.
>
> "Sorry, figure of speech."
>
> The rodents scowled their disapproval at being left out of the action again.
>
> "Let me see what happened." Ace went over to the net and took a good look at
> the trip wires. Everything seemed to be intact until he noticed a white duck
> entangled in the net.
>
> "Oh, you set it off. Here, let me get you out." He reached over to the duck
> who jumped out of the way. "Fine, be that way."
>
> The duck stared at Ace for a moment. He then pulled out a pair of glasses
> and stared at Ace again. He made several loud quacks.
>
> Ace scratched his head in puzzlement. "What do you mean I hurt your Shampoo?
> Ducks don't use Shampoo, do they?"
>
> The duck produced a sword under one wing, and a mace and chain under the
> other.
>
> "Isn't there anything here that doesn't study martial arts?" Ace asked the
> heavens before he was showered with every conceivable object and weapon
> imaginable.
>
> ===========================================
>
>
> Author's Notes: Please review my story. It makes me feel oh so happy and
> prevents me from hiring Ace Ventura for any reason whatsoever again.
>
> ===========================================
>
>
> Rebecca Ann Heineman
> Last edited on Saturday, September 23rd, 2007
> Email me at becky at burgerbecky.com
> Or visit http://www.burgerbecky.com
>
>
>
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