[FFML] [Fanfic][Naruto] Suiren, Chapter 14: Blood...

[Chris Nasipak]

At 10:46 PM 9/3/2007, you wrote:
> > Hmm, I kinda vaguely remember reading this chapter...  a really long time
> > ago.    It does seem better this time around, both the spelling and grammar
> > are very clean.  But... Sakura's telling of the assault on the 
> castle seemed
> > a bit off with the repeated 'I' did this or that statements.  I think you
> > had her grandfather telling it the first time, and when you reworked it, it
> > didn't quite mesh as a tale told from Sakura to Hinata.
>
>The scene was always told as a story Sakura's grandfather told to her,
>and it's relayed just as Sakura heard it. The prose displayed is _not_
>what Hinata hears. That's intentional ^_^;...

It might help to set it off from the rest of the text in some way. 
Perhaps just a brief mention of her thinking back to her grandfather 
telling her the story....

> >
> > Also, does Sakura have any idea what the seal on Hinata's 
> forehead means for
> > her?  Seems not, or she'd mention it more.  And Hinata, apart 
> from the brief
> > bit of giddy cursing, seems more upset by being naked than having been
> > recently sealed.  Wouldn't that kind of...  demotion leave her in a bad or
> > sad mood for longer?  I mean, if it's so fresh that it's still leaving
> > bloodstains on the bandage, that doesn't give a whole lot of time to get
> > over something as major as being stuck in the Branch family.
>
>Sakura doesn't press because it really is a senstive issule, from her
>point of view, so she'd prefer if Hinata said only what she is
>comfortable with, and Hinata's behavior really depends on how Hinata
>sees her position in the clan changing...

Given what we know of canon Hinata, she's probably /relieved/ to have 
the pressure taken off her. As soon as she gets over that, though, 
she may be upset at the insult, that she can't hack it as clain heir, 
even with all the work she's done - on the other hand, she may 
actually have /accepted/ it willingly as part of a deal to put Neji 
in as the heir... I could see her doing that... hmmmm.

> >
> > These comments aside, I've quite enjoyed Suiren and I'm looking 
> forward to a
> > new chapter.
> >
>
>Thanks! Hopefully i'll have it done within the month ^_^;...
>
>~Eimii
>
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-- 
"Here is the price of freedom: Your every drop of courage,
ounce of pain, pint of blood. Paid in advance."  -- Andromeda