[FFML] [Fanfic][Ranma/Crossover][Lemony-Lime Evil]Coming Home to Roost Chap. 4

[Shade]

Coming Home to Roost
by Shade

Disclaimer: Takahashi, Akamatsu, Tite Kubo and others
own the characters used.

Warning: Strong Language, Suggestive Themes and a Sick
Sense of Humor



"By all means marry. If you get a good wife you will
become happy, 
and if you get a bad one you will become a
philosopher."

-Socrates

-------------------------------------
Chapter 4: Attack of the Killer Pussy
-------------------------------------

Ranma Saotome tried desperately to think of just the
right way to simultaneously
explain to his mother just how happy he was to finally
be able to see her again
and stall for time in order to figure out how to
defuse the live topic grenade 
his father had unexpectedly tossed into his figurative
lap.

"So you must be my mother-in-law."

That wasn't it.

Nodoka Saotome blinked, momentarily dumbfounded by the
sight of a talking black feline.
And then slowly the meaning of the words that the
distinctly deep voice had said to her
began to sink in.

Her hair suddenly flaring wildly about her, Nodoka
turned on her husband.

"You married our son to a *CAT*?!"

Genma made defensive warding gestures, lacking the
energy to do much else
as he cringed before the brewing storm that was his
wife.

"I-I swear I-I had absolutely nothing to do with this,
Nodoka!" 

"Well, I see you're still alive, Genma."

"F-Forgive me, Y-Yo-Yoruichi-sama!!!" 

Nodoka did a doubletake as she realized that somehow
in the blink of an eye her husband had gone 
from above her on the stairs to down on his hands and
knees abasing himself in front of the smirking 
black cat now sitting comfortably on the floor of the
living room.

Yoruichi paid little attention to him, being used to
this kind of behavior from people like Genma,
instead turning her attention towards her own wayward
husband. He squirmed deliciously under her 
unblinking gaze. Truly she had missed this enjoyable
feeling of toying with him like a soft catnip mouse.

Ranma's reflexive flinch was not missed by his mother.

"Then it's true?! Y-you-" the stunned woman gestured
down at him and the cat, making
increasingly more erratic movements as she turned back
and forth towards one and then
the other and then back again. Her beloved son who
she'd been seperated from for over 
a decade was a sexual deviant?!

"Well *technically* it's true that this wasn't Pop's
fault." the young man in question mumbled gloomily. 

Things would have been so much simpler if they were.

"Um, hi honey," he squeaked nervously.

"Got anything to say for yourself?"

"Clemency!"

"Denied/Denied/Denied."

Ranma sagged. Well, it had been worth a try.

"But it's a CAT!!"

Even Genma lifted his head up to look up at his wife's
cry. She really was having a hard time 
coming to terms with this.

"Oh right, I keep forgetting about this."

Ranma looked puzzled for a moment. What did she mean
she'd forgot-

And then his eyes widened as he finally got it. His
spouse was not called 'The Goddess of Flash' 
just for her speed alone.

"Wait! Don't!!"

Action preceeded thought. The pigtailed boy was
already in mid-leap towards Yoruichi 
before his brain finally managed to catch up and ask
him just what the hell he was doing.

'You're jumping on your wife.'

Right. Because she's got no feminine modesty
whatsoever.

'Who is currently in the form of a cat.'

Right. She's a cat and she'll be naked and-Cat? Cat?!
CAT!!!

"C-ca-cA-CAAAAAAT!!!"

Having already committed his body to one course of
action, it was impossible to try and change it 
before landing. Never the less, Ranma tried his best
to do so anyway. He didn't succeed though.

"Auuugghhhh-"

Yoruichi smiled that insufferable smile that only
felines are capable of.

*BAMF*

An eruption of white smoke obscured the landing zone
as Ranma touched down.

Ranma tensed, then relaxed as he realized that nothing
small and furry was touching him.

Then tensed up again as he realized that something
warm and very familiar *was* underneath him.

He looked down as the smoke cleared.

"Hey!? No fair, why aren't you naked?!"

The young man's outrage was almost comical as he
stared into the mischievously twinkling eyes
of his first wife. The sleek dark skin of her exposed
face and neck was complimented by the 
form fitting black combat bodysuit and the bright
orange jacket she wore over it. Her long 
dark violet hair was bound up in a loose pony tail
that now twisted provocatively behind her 
shoulders. Her generous cleavage pressed up against
his chest, even through the barriers
of cloth he could feel her warmth. He was straddling
her, only his outstretched arms and legs
holding him up from a decidingly compromising position
in between her spread thighs.

"You sound disappointed, Honey. Were you looking
forward to our reunion so much," Yoruichi teased 
as she took advantage of her husband's preoccupation
with keeping himself from falling down on her 
to playfully tap the tip of his nose with one slender
finger.

"What did you say?!"

Naturally Akane Tendo would pick that exact moment to
show up in the entranceway with her older 
sister Nabiki right beside her.

"I'll just add this to your tab, Saotome." 

Said sister was of course taking the opportunity to
click away with her trusty handheld camera
to capture the incriminating evidence for use later.
Oh yes, good old dependable Ranma had
done it again and this time she didn't feel inclined
to settle for peanuts. Nobody made a fool
of Nabiki Tendo, absolutely nobody.

Ranma's face twitched as he fought to keep his already
precarious balance. The muffled snickering
and chuckling from the couch told him he would find no
help there. If he didn't know any better
he'd have sworn that his wives had all planned this
out from the start. But of course that was
impossible-

"Time for some Sugar, Baby."

In a single fluid motion Yoruichi curled her arms
around the back of the young man's neck while
her legs wrapped around his waist in a scissor lock.
As he opened his mouth to protest, she pulled 
him down into a deep tonsil tasting kiss. 

Akane's mouth hung open, unable to believe her eyes.
The sheer unbelievable audacity of it all kept
her from moving. She hadn't been gone for more then
ten minutes and that idiotic manslut was cheating on
her 
with yet *another* big boobed foreigner in her own
house of all places!

The pigtailed martial artist's arms spasmed wildly for
a few moments before seeming to finally give in 
to the inevitable and surrendering into the taller
woman's inescapable embrace just as the outside wall 
to the room exploded.

*BOOM*

-------------------------

Three shadowy figures stepped through the circular
hole as the dust from the blast began to settle.

"Airen?!"

"Ranma honey?!"

"Ranma darling?!"

Shampoo, Ukyo and Kodachi stared in horrified
fascination at the sight before them. Their beloved
significant other was sucking face with a woman who
wasn't any one of them!

"Oh my."

Kasumi came to a halt by her sisters, a tray of snacks
in her hands. There was that naughty boy,
cheating on Akane again. It was so very improper what
he and that woman he was on top of were doing.
Only bad girls touched boys like that and she could
already tell that this new woman was very very bad.

"Bad Ranma!"

"You Jackass!!"

"Insolent wench!!"

Weapons were produced. Shampoo's traditional pair of
bonbori were joined by Ukyo's trusty oversized spatula
and Kodachi's traditional black gymnastic ribbon as
the three fuming young women prepared to teach the
cheater that people who play with girl's hearts go to
very bad place. At least that was the intention until
the still kissing pair on the ground rolled over to
put Ranma on the bottom and clearly revealed to them 
for the first time the features of the woman sticking
her tongue into his mouth.

"No! It can't be...Yoru-"

Kodachi's face turned as white as ghost as she took an
involuntary step back. That exotic dark face, it
couldn't be her, she looked exactly the same as she
had ten years ago. It was impossible....

"Ara. Why if it isn't little Ukyo. It's been such a
long time."

"Geh?! Who...T-t-Tsu-TSURUKO-SAMA?!!!"

The oversized baker's peel slipped from Ukyo's
nerveless hands as the chef beheld a childhood
nightmare made flesh.
Before the weapon had even hit the ground she was down
on her hands and knees babbling a mixture of apologies
for intruding and pleas for forgiveness.

Shampoo shot the two weak Japanese women next to her
withering looks. Didn't they have any warrior's pride?
Look at them, cowering before these strange women who
were obviously after her popular husband, damn him
for being so irresistable to all women! Well she would
show them whose property Ranma was-

Two unblinking eyes of amber gold caught her gaze and
seemed to seize her very soul. Her body froze up like 
a puppet made of wood as the sheer intensity behind
those piercing orbs seemed to weigh the value of her
very life in them. It was the most terrifying
experience of her entire life and to the Amazon's
great shame
she realized that she'd dishonored her illustrious
warrior ancesters by losing control of her bladder
while
being measured by this creature who seemed more demon
then human.

When those eyes finally released her, Shampoo slumped
to the ground like a sack of wet meal as her trembling
legs 
just simply gave out on her. That had not been the
look of a seasoned fighter, that had been the gaze of
a coldblooded killer. Just what were they really
dealing with here?!

---------------------

Behind her still clicking camera, Nabiki scowled. This
had not been in any of her scenarios. There should
have 
been fur flying and Ranma getting blamed by everyone
for being a sleazy player by now. She'd made quite 
sure to emphasize to the concerned parties involved
that their object of desire was no doubt going to
cheat on them 
if they didn't come quickly and show him the error of
his philandering ways. So why hadn't it worked?

The two on the floor rolled over again, having still
not broken the long oral match between themselves.

"Would you two CUT THAT OUT," Akane finally screamed,
unable to put up any longer with the perversion going
on under her family's roof. This was just like when
Shampoo had first arrived, that *boy* was only
listening to 
the brain located in his pants again. She punctuated
her words by grabbing the metal platter that her
sister 
Kasumi had been holding and throwing it with precise
accuracy at the back of the pigtailed martial artist's
head.

Yoruichi's liplock didn't falter in the slightest as
one perfectly toned leg kicked out to intercept the 
incoming frisbee, sending it flying straight up. As it
came back down that same leg extended up in a display
of physics defying flexibility to catch the platter on
the tips of her toes, where the round metal disc
started
spinning like a top. After a few moments of this the
dark skinned beauty flicked her foot back towards 
where the platter had come from, sending the metal
tray flying into the air once more to land into
Kasumi's 
still outstretched empty hands.

Kasumi blinked, unsure of what had just occurred.

Akane's jaw dropped. That wasn't supposed to happen!

Mana and Tsuruko held up little scoring signs that
read '8.5' and '9.2' respectively.
 
The dark skinned beauty finally released her spouse's
lips with a little sigh of pleasure.

"You've been practicing," she said approvingly as he
eased back to let her get up.

"No! I mean, well that is...maybe a little."

Ranma twiddled his thumbs, unable to meet her amused
gaze.

"But she was, he was, they were, then who are-!@*&-"

A loud *THUMP* announced that Nodoka Saotome's buffer
stack had finally overflowed 
as she fainted dead away onto the floor.

"I think she took that rather well, don't you," Genma
said with a forced cheerfulness as he went to help his
wife.

--------------------------------------

"Now my son. From the beginning."

Ranma squirmed in his seat at his mother's stern tone
like an unlucky worm with a large barbed fishhook
shoved up 
its rear end. Flanked on either side by a watchful
Yoruichi and Tsuruko while the silent threat of Mana
covered the rear 
and with the unhappy glares of his former
fiancees/suitors from across the room, never had he
wished more for an obvious distraction as much as he
did right now.

"Hey now, what's going on here?"

It was almost enough to make Ranma weep real tears at
the injustice of it all. 
Couldn't the Kami do better then Mr. Tendo? Why did
they hate him so? Why?

"Ack?! My house, what happened to my....SAOTOME!!"

[It's not my fault this time!]

Soun glared at his crouching friend, apparently
unconvinced by the sign that Genma held up.
The fact that heavyset martial artist was still in
human form might have had something to do 
with that. But in the end Soun knew that there could
be only one possibility for blame.

"Now then, Ranma. I trust you have a good explanation
for all of this."

Soun's pointed finger most obviously indicated who he
meant by 'all of this'.

The pigtailed young man attempted to instantaneously
develop the art of spontaneous human
teleportation. Failing in that, he opened his mouth
and said simply, "No, not really."

Soun paused with his mouth partially open, unsure if
the boy was serious 
or just being sarcastic with his deadpan tone.

Nodoka, refusing to be distracted from the issue at
hand, rapped the sitting table with the
hilt of the sheathed katana at her side to get her
son's attention.

"Begin."

Ranma scratched the tip of his nose nervously,
uncomfortably aware that everyone's attention was
now focused on him and that there was nowhere to run.
He decided that he might as well get it all
over with and drop the big bombshells first during the
introductions. With any luck he might be 
able to find a way out during the ensuing bloodshed
and confusion. He resisted shooting an evil
look at 'Mr. Panda' who had mysteriously decided to
show up and start playing innocently with
a tire in yard, visible through the hole that Shampoo
had made in the wall. The *last* thing
he needed right now was the Jusenkyo curses becoming a
topic of conversation.

"Um, This is Mana, Tsuruko and Yoruichi. I'm kinda,
uh...married to them."

"You're what?"

Nodoka wasn't sure that she'd heard that right. 

"THEY'RE WHAT?!"

Shampoo, Ukyo and Kodachi were sure that they'd heard
him correctly and were staring wide eyed
at the three beaming faces with officially stamped
marriage certificates held up next to them. 
Only their mutual terror of those same women prevented
them from rushing en masse and painfully 
extracting more details about the when, why and how of
Saotome's newly revealed marital state.

Akane 'hmphed' and pointedly looked away from him.
Nabiki and Kasumi decided simultaneously 
that discretion was the better part of valor here and
quickly left the room before they
could get caught up in the brewing firestorm. Not that
either of them had any intention of 
missing anything, but there were safer ways of
listening in that didn't involve being in 
the middle of the firing squad.

"WHY YOU-"

Soun's head expanded outward into a demonic mask of
fury only to suddenly pause and shrink
back as his finely honed sense of self preservation
kicked in for some reason as he noticed
that the elegant woman in the hakama next to the boy
had her eyes closed and was starting 
to laugh softly to herself in an eerie fashion. Taking
a second to regain some self control and
noticing that the feeling of imminent threat faded as
he did so, the older man tried again
in a slightly calmer voice.

"How DARE you cheat on my sweet little Akane by
getting married to other women!"

"Real big of me, wasn't it? Ahaha-OwWoWWOWow"

Ranma's nervous laughter cut off as Tsuruko suddenly
rose up behind him and grabbed the sides of his mouth 
with either hand.

"Was it from this naughty mouth that such things came
out of?"

The hapless martial artist teared up as she pinched
and pulled the sides of his mouth 
like an angry mother punishing her little boy for
uttering a profanity out loud. 

"I'm sowwy! I'm sowwy! I von't vu it again!"

"Two points," Mana said as she graded both the pun and
punishment. Yoruichi snickered softly behind the cover
of her hand but didn't disagree with the rating as
Tsuruko finally released her grip and allowed Ranma
to rub his sore cheeks.

"My little baby is married..."

Nodoka's eyes twitched as she attempted to come to
grips with the meaning of those words.

The photo albums that were produced and opened up by
Mana and Tsuruko probably didn't contribute 
towards settling her mind either.

Tsuruko helpfully pointed how adorable her little
hubby looked in the tuxedo that was obviously meant 
for someone a bit older then he looked in the
pictures. Her recollections of how perfectly the
wedding 
had gone were contrasted sharply with the look of a
man facing his own execution on the Saotome 
boy's face in every photo. Part of that miserable
expression could probably be explained by the group 
of pretty young women in yukatas holding swords and
other weapons in the background of each and every 
shot with him in it.

"And there's our first kiss as newlyweds," said the
smiling raven haired swordswoman as she
indicated a particular snapshot that made even Soun
wince in unwilling sympathy. While the two were
indeed caught in the act of lip to lip contact it was
quite obvious who was the initiator of the action.
Younger Ranma's arms tied up in knots of thick rope
and suspended over his head from a tree branch
so that Tsuruko didn't need to bend over to reach him
was a rather big clue too.

Akane finally found what she was looking for in Mana's
battered album.

"Ah ha! I knew it!!"

She pointed an accusatory finger at the dog-eared
picture of a visibly sweating younger Ranma
swaddled up in long brown robes standing stiffly next
to small figure covered from head
to toe in a faded white burka so that only its eyes
and nose were visible. Many bearded and robed 
older men cradling AK-47s like small children in their
thickly muscled arms stood behind the pair.

Ranma gave his former fiancee an unreadable look.

"She was twelve years old at the time, Akane. What do
you think I am, some kind of pervert?"

Akane looked at him incredulously.

"YES," she barked.

"Oh right. I forgot you're a complete moron when it
comes to the obvious."

---------------------

Ukyo fought to keep her features under control, mostly
succeeding except for the occassional spastic twitch
of her face as she tried desperately to think of a way
to wake up from this nightmare. Bad enough that her
childhood friend/fiance had somehow managed to screw
up again with other women, but why oh why had he
gotten
involved with the boogeywoman of her childhood, the
Demon Blade of Kyoto, Tsuruko Aoyama?! She still
remembered
what had happened when the older girl had caught her
and her friend Motoko playing hooky from their
respective 
lessons. The chef shivered and turned blue, she never
had gotten over her fear of turtles ever since then.

Kodachi had kept trying to convince herself that she
wasn't crazy. The success of those efforts had been
mixed.
Currently she was fairly certain that she wasn't
hallucinating, but that made things even worse in a
way. Because
that implied that those things she'd seen as a little
girl had not been her imagination after all.
Yoruichi's 
existence supported the reality of the monsters that
had tried to eat her. The gymnast looked longingly at
Ranma's strong arms, desperately wanting to bury
herself in his embrace to drive away the old ghosts
stirring
up from her memories but in the end was too afraid of
the one who had awakened them from their long slumber.

Shampoo felt inadequate. This was a strange new
sensation for her and she didn't like it one bit. That
demon in
human form made her feel small and flat in comparison.
Even though she'd had a chance to change into a fresh
pair
of panties while her husband's mother was recovering
from her collapse, it still galled the Amazon that
she'd
been beaten by just a look, not one hand had ever been
raised against her. And those breasts! Impossibly
large
and shaped perfectly for a man's touch, it was with an
effort that Shampoo resisted the desire to gnash her
teeth together at the unfairness of it all. what Black
Magic had that Demoness invoked to make her chest get
that big without even a hint of sag? How could she
compete against those dreadnoughts with her mere
battlecruisers?!

-----------------

Nodoka's rising voice brought everyone's attention
back to her.

"How could you to do this to your poor mother?!"

Ranma stared at the woman who had given birth to him
with eyes as wide as dinner plates as 
she angrily brandished the still sheathed katana she
always carried with her at *him*. 

"But..but..isn't that manly?  I thought you'd be
happy-"

If anything the look on Nodoka's face grew even more
furious.

"Happy! Happy!? How could I possibly be happy when you
didn't even bother 
to invite your own dear mother to any of the
weddings?!"

Ranma's jaw dropped. Akane's jaw dropped. Soun's jaw
dropped. Kodachi, Ukyo and Shampoo's jaws dropped.

Mr. Panda happily pretended to ignore everything in
favor of digging a large hole in the ground 
and burying his own head into it. This was possibly
the smartest thing it had done in quite awhile.

Somewhere in the vicinity of the kitchen came a
muffled thump as somebody lost their balance and fell
to the floor.

In the safety of her own room, Nabiki's eyes twitched
wildly under her headphones.

"At least tell me you didn't get any of them pregnant
yet! I'm too young to be a grandmother!!"

In response, Ranma looked expectantly at Tsuruko and
Yoruichi and tried not to wince at the unblinking
look that Mana was shooting at him. But as the seconds
dragged on without any reply from either of them
he started to break out into a cold sweat. The icy
hand of Death seemed to be draped over his shoulder
as the blood drained from his face.

'Don't tell me...oh god I'm going to die now, aren't
I?'

The darkskinned first wife finally shook her head in
the negative, causing her husband to wobble
unsteadily in his seat as a wave of overwhelming
relief flooded over him.  

"...not with us...at least."

Tsuruko chose her words with exquisite care. Years of
tormenting her younger sister had honed her
ability to make each meaning implied or otherwise an
instrument of pure torture to her chosen target.
The naked fear she saw in his beautifully expressive
eyes was a thing of pure delight. If only they 
had a room with a little privacy...oh the things she
would do to him then!

------------------------

Outwardly, Mana retained her normal cool composure
even as she stared steadily at her wilting hubby. 
The bounty hunter/mercenary/gun for hire had learned
long ago that this self control tended to give her 
an edge over everyone she met with few exceptions. But
in the sharp focus of her mind's eye was the 
image of the costume she had originally tried and
failed to bed her newly wedded husband with. 

With a few adjustments to accomodate her growth in
certain areas, that article of dress still fit her. 
She was looking forward to reintroducing it to him
again. Turn her down and say he wasn't interested 
in little girls, would he? Well she who laughs last,
laughs over the enemy's bloody corpse!

"Ku-ku-ku-ku."

Her classmate Evangeline had been an excellent example
for learning how to gloat in a bloodcurdling fashion.

------------------------

"This simply won't do! I just can't accept these
marriages as they are!!"

Ranma had never seen his mom work herself up into such
a fury before. He was beginning to get an inkling as
to why his dad was so cowed by what Ranma had always
seen as an even-tempered maternal kind of woman. 
Of course that observation was secondary to the sudden
ominous silence surrounding him.

Mana, Tsuruko and Yoruichi were all looking at Nodoka
without any expression whatsoever.

Akane nodded in unconscious agreement, glad that
finally some common sense had emerged from the
madness.
She could always count on Aunty to back up her claim
on the idiot, not that she really wanted him, mind
you, but
a Tendo never gave up what was hers to anyone. And as
soon as she got him alone without any witnesses he was

so going to get what was coming to him for
embarrassing her the way he had today.

"You will just have to be remarried again in a proper
respectable fashion with your family in full
attendance!"

Akane abruptly lost her balance and fell face forward
from her seat to the floor.

----------------------

Ranma turned to stone and started to crumble into
little pieces as his wives squealed like schoolgirls
on crack
and flocked over to his mother where they started to
talk excitedly about things like dresses and caterers
and other things no mortal man should have to hear
more than once in their lives. He could hear giggling
and whispers and his name being mentioned in ways and
tones that made the few remaining scraps of his
dignity
cock a tiny imaginary pistol to its little imaginary
head and blow its imaginary brains out.

The doomed young man began to open his mouth to voice
an objection when suddenly everything went to hell for
the second time that day.

--------------------

Akane raised her head with a loud cry of protest. This
could not be! Had Aunty Nodoka gone completely stark
raving loony?! How could that woman betray her like
this!?

"I object-"

Whatever she was going to say next was lost in the
sound of the wall, the one right next to the wall with
the 
boarded up hole already in it, exploding into the room
in a shower of mortar and plywood.

A dark blur burst through the hole, a golden spiral
blade shaped like a wasp's sting on one outstretched
arm.

As various occupants coughed from the dust in the air,
the figure finally spotted its target and charged.

"RANMA SAOTOME! PREPARE TO DIE!!"


-End Chapter 4



-Omake Mode Desu!-


"Time for some Sugar, Baby."

In a single fluid motion Yoruichi curled her arms
around the back of the young man's neck while
her legs wrapped around his waist in a scissor lock.
As he opened his mouth to protest, she pulled
him down into a deep tonsil tasting kiss.

Akane opened her mouth to scream in outrage, then
paused in bewilderment.

That Mana woman had just pulled out a pen and
notepad....and she was taking notes?!



 -Lord Raa Guest Omake #2-

"So then, Ukyo-chan, what are you doing here in
Nerima?" Tsuruko asked, the look in her face
intimidating all that saw it.

"I'm here to protect Ranchan!"

The kendoist's expression softened to that of a
teasing smirk. "Oh really? Well, I suppose that some
good has come from your arrival."

"W-what's that?" the chef asked nervously.

"I can tell my little sister that I've found her
bishounen sempai. She became rather disillusioned with
the male species after you left," Tsuruko explained.

"B-b-but Spatula Girl is a girl!" Shampoo added. "She
no man, look!"

"Ack! Stop that, Shampoo!" Ukyo protested as her shirt
was ripped open.

"While that is a nice pair of breasts, it's hardly
enough to prove that you're a girl, Ukyo-kun. Have you
not heard some of the stories that come from Bangkok?"

"Tsuruko," Ranma asked, his head still touching the
floor in an attempt to keep it attached to his neck,
"a-are you trying to get everyone here naked for some
reason?"

"Curses! You've seen through my plan. Still, unless
there are any objections, let the orgy begin!" Tsuruko
declared.

The silence that descended while that particular
comment was digested was broken by Nodoka's
enthusiastic cheer.

"My son is so manly that he'll pleasure every girl
here!"

"What? When did I say that?" the pigtailed martial
artist demanded.

"Ahem," Mana, Tsuruko and Yoruichi coughed
theatrically in unison.

Ranma quickly bowed his head. "I mean, I'll pleasure
my lovely, beautiful, sexy wives as many times as they
desire!"

"That's better," the wives added, again smiling in
unison.




       
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