[FFML] [XOver][Ranma/Shakespeare] Much Ado About Ranma Act Four Scene Two and Act Five Scene One

[Timothy Groves]

* Disclaimer *

Takahashi Rumiko created Ranma 1/2 and all of the characters and
situations found therein. I have no rights to them whatsoever, and hope
that she and anyone to whom they have been properly licenced do not sue
me.

William Shakespeare has been credited with the creation of Much Ado
About Nothing, but regardless of whoever actually wrote it, I don't
think I'm in danger of being sued for misusing it. My apologies
nonetheless to the Bard.

"Have you seen him at all today?"

Akane shook her head. "No, Sis. I assumed that after you told him we
were taking today off--"

"Good." Nabiki sighed. "I'm really starting to think that hiring him for
this was a bad choice."

"Who else would have done it?"

"Shut up, you."

"Besides, you didn't hire him. He's working for free."

"I said--" Nabiki sighed. "Well, I guess the old adage is true: You get
what you pay for."

"Who's in this scene?"

"Hmmm..." Nabiki flipped through the casting call. "Ryouga and Mousse,
Hiroshi and Daisuke, and..." She stopped, speechless. "I can't believe
it!"

"What?"

"That idiot! What the hell is wrong with him?"

Akane leaned closer. "Who?"

"He's got Principal Kuno down for the Sexton!"

"Oh." Akane leaned back, and frowned. "That's not so good, is it?"

Nabiki shook her head. "There's no way I'm letting that freak near this
set. Bad enough that we've got Happousai in this flick. If I let
Kuno-sensei in, everyone will have shaved heads in an instant!"

"Excuse me."

Nabiki turned, to see Cologne standing next to her. The old woman's arms
were crossed, and her face was creased in a smirk. Nabiki nodded, and
slowly smiled.

"Ah, Elder. I seem to recall that I owe you a favour."

"Indeed." Cologne's smirk widened. "And would this be a good time for me
to call it in?"

"I don't see why not."

"Very well. I always wanted to be in a movie..."

Nabiki thrust the script into the old woman's hands. "Page 29, the part
named 'Sexton'." She turned to face the assembled cast and crew. "One
minute, everyone!"

"My costume is--"

"Get it fixed!" She grabbed a camera, wrestled it into place.

"Camera's rolling, and...action!" Tail Kinker Presents In Association
with TN Enterprises Much Ado About Ranma

Ryouga glanced around the dojo. "Is everyone here? We missing anyone?"

"No." Mousse grabbed a heavy bag and dragged it over. "Here's a stool
for the sexton."

"Cut." Nabiki sighed. "Mousse, that's not the stool."

"It's not?"

"No. The stool is over there." She pointed, and Mousse shuffled in the
direction indicated. "Let's take it from the top." She sighed, and sat
back down. "Rolling...and action."

Ryouga glanced around the dojo. "Is everyone here? We missing anyone?"

"No." Mousse grabbed a stool and dragged it over. "Here's a stool for
the Sexton."

"Thank you." Cologne climbed onto the stool, and glanced around. "And
who are the malefactors?"

Ryouga shrugged. "Guess that'd be me and Mousse."

"Yeah." Mousse nodded. "We're the factors."

Cologne rolled her eyes. "I mean, who are the bad guys?"

"Oh." Ryouga collared Hiroshi and dragged him forwards. "This guy, and
his partner in crime, over there. What's your name, punk?"

"Uhh...Hiroshi."

Ryouga turned back to Cologne. "Write him down as Hiroshi."

"Certainly." Cologne paused. "Do I have a notebook?"

"Cut!" Nabiki sighed. "Sorry, Cologne." She dug out a notebook and pen,
and passed them to the Amazon. "Okay, from Ryouga's line. Action!"

Ryouga turned back to Cologne. "Write him down as Hiroshi."

"Certainly."

Ryouga turned to Daisuke. "And you, punk?"

Daisuke straightened. "I'll have you know I'm a gentleman, and my name
is Daisuke."

"Fine. Write him down as Master Gentleman Daisuke." Ryouga sighed. "You
might be a gentleman, but you are still a villain."

"I am not!"

"You claim to be an honourable man?"

"Yes!"

Ryouga turned back to the sexton. "Write down that he claims to be an
honourable man."

The sexton cackled at that. "Ryouga, you're not going about this the
right way. As usual. You got anyone who can tell me what really
happened?"

"Yes." Ryouga turned to Ichiro. "Tell the sexton what you heard."

Ichiro shrugged. "Well, that Hiroshi fellow said a lot about Kuno being
a twit."

"This is not news."

"Write it down anyway. Kuno is a twit."

"Certainly." The sexton turned to Ichiro. "What else did he say?"

"Well, he said that he'd gotten fifty thousand to pull a fast one on
Tofu and Saotome."

"Oh, really?"

"Yeah. Apparently, he just had to appear in a...compromising
position...with one of her servants. Tofu saw that, and thought it was
Kasumi, and flipped out." Ichiro shrugged. "And I guess you've heard
what happened at the wedding."

"Indeed, I have." The sexton sighed. "Anything else?"

"No. That's when me and Jiro jumped them."

"Well, since Kuno has fled, it will be difficult to get a confession
from him." The sexton sighed again. "And poor Kasumi dead from grief..."

Ryouga cracked his knuckles. "Well, we still gotta decide on a
punishment."

"From you?" Hiroshi sneered. "You're a pig, Ryouga. A common pig!"

"Oh?" Ryouga turned to the sextant. "Please write that I am a pig."

"Cut!" Nabiki grinned. "Good work, everyone. Cologne, you're a natural,
and I wish I'd had you since day one."

"Thank you, my dear."

"Okay, that wraps up Act Four--finally--so we might as well move right
on to Act Five."



* * * * *



They reconvened outside the dojo, near the rear gate. Nabiki glanced
around. "Okay, we got enough room here; there's gonna be some action in
this one." She flipped through the script. "Dad and Happousai, on set;
Saotome-san and Doc, on at second cue."

"Ready, Nabiki."

"Ranma, you're on at third cue. Dad, Happousai, remember, you're very
angry with these two. Dad, they killed your daughter." She glanced over
at Happousai. "Happi, they killed a sweet innocent girl."

Happousai shrugged. "No problem."

"Not good enough. They killed a beautiful, leggy girl with a closet full
of as-yet unworn undergarments."

"Oh, that's very different!" Happousai cracked his knuckles.

"Okay, then. We're set." She clicked the remote. "Rolling,
and...action!"

"I'm just saying that if you don't get over this, you're going to kill
yourself." Happousai paused to draw on his pipe.

"Brother, I am glad you're concerned for me, but please." Soun sighed.
"I don't want any more advice. You've given me more than I can stomach
already. My daughter is dead!" Tears streamed from his eyes. "Too easily
I believed them. But now my heart tells me the truth. Those baseless
louts! Their lies killed her, as certain as if they'd plunged a dagger
into her chest..." He paused. "Wasn't this supposed to be a modern
remake?"

"Cut." Nabiki sighed. "Why didn't you mention this before we started?"

"I'm sorry, Nabiki. It just occurred to me. Why a dagger? That's rather
primitive, and not at all Japanese."

"You're right, I guess." She considered. "Okay. Run with what seems
right. I can trust you with this. From Dad's line." She stepped back.
"Action!"

"Brother, I am glad you're concerned for me, but please." Soun sighed,
then looked up as Saotome and Tofu approached. "Wait! I'm not done my
lines!"

"Cut!" Nabiki waved them off. "That wasn't your cue!"

"Oops." Tofu rubbed the back of his head. "I'm a doctor, not an actor!"

"Oy." She rolled her eyes. "Watch me. Wait for the cue. This is your
cue." She raised a finger, moved it in a half-circle. "Got it?"

"Yes. Sorry."

"It's not a verbal cue; I can't use those while the camera is running.
Okay. Let's try it again from Dad's line."

"Brother, I am glad you're concerned for me, but please." Soun sighed.
"I don't want any more advice. You've given me more than I can stomach
already. My daughter is dead!" Tears streamed from his eyes. "Too easily
I believed them. But now my heart tells me the truth. Those baseless
louts! Their lies killed her, as certain as if they'd shot her. Is it
any wonder that I am filled with grief and vengeance? Could any father
be less so?"

"No, my brother. I can agree with you on that." Happousai sighed. "But
do yourself a favour. Dwell less on the grief, and more on the
vengeance." He pointed towards the house. "Here they come now."

Soun turned to face the two. And waited. And waited some more.

"Cut." Nabiki sighed. "Now, I know I forgot the cue, but shouldn't you
have realized that that was your entry."

"But you told us to--"

"Yes. I did." Nabiki knuckled her forehead. "Anyone got any Tylenol?"

"Here ya go, Nabs." The scriptwriter handed her a bottle.

"Thanks." She blinked. "When the hell did you get here?"

"Just now."

"And where the hell have you been?"

"Well, you told me we weren't shooting today." He shrugged. "So I went
to the Nekohanten, and it was all closed up. Imagine my surprise when I
went over to Ucchan's, and it was closed up to. But Konatsu told me that
you were shooting today after all, so..."

"We had a break in some people's schedule, and I decided to take them up
on it."

"You have all three of the Nekohanten folk here?"

"Yeah, and let me remind you how much it cost just to hire Shampoo." She
tossed back the Tylenol. "Okay. From Happousai's line. Saotome-san, Doc,
please try to show just a hair of initiative, all right?"

Genma nodded. "We'll try not to let you down again."

"Baka-san, you got that camera?"

"I'm on it."

"Rolling again. Action!"

"No, my brother. I can agree with you on that." Happousai sighed. "But
do yourself a favour. Dwell less on the grief, and more on the
vengeance." He pointed towards the house. "Here they come now."

Soun turned to face the two. "Genma. Tofu. I would have words with you."

"Not now, old friend." Genma waved him off. "We must be going."

"I think now is a perfect time, old friend." Soun's voice was chilling.
"You have wronged me."

"And how?" Tofu laughed hollowly. "If anyone is wronged here--"

"You shut up, boy!" Tofu winced at the cold voice. "Innocent or guilty,
Kasumi deserved far better than the way you have treated her. My
daughter is dead because of you!"

Tofu shifted his stance, and Soun laughed.

"You do not scare me, boy. Saotome trained you, and I trained with him;
I know every dirty move he's taught you, and have years more training
than you."

"I know that, Soun." Tofu did not relax his stance. "I know I can't beat
you. I just ask to leave in peace."

"Oh, hell no." Happousai stepped forward. "There's no way you're just
walking out of here! Not after the way you besmirched the name of that
sweet, innocent girl! She cannot take revenge, but I can do so in her
name!"

"Brother--"

"You hold your tongue, Soun." Happousai waved his pipe. "These two
gentlemen have slain my favourite niece!" He wiped his eye. "That poor,
beautiful girl...How I loved her! She was the only one to treat me
kindly--not like the other ingrates around here!"

"But Brother--"

"No! Not another word, Soun! That poor, sweet thing...never to see her
lovely face, to hear her sweet voice again. To bask in her kindness..."
He looked up, fire in her eyes. "These two foul, loathsome braggarts
shall pay!"

"Happousai." Genma looked down sternly at the old man. "I have stated
only what I have seen. On my honour. And Tofu was there with me." He
shook his head. "I will not argue it further, nor will I fight you."

"Tofu!"

The Doctor turned, to see Ranma approaching. "Good timing, my friend. I
think you've just stopped a fight."

"Actually, I'm here to start one."

"Cut!"

Ranma scowled. "Crap. Sorry, Nabiki."

"Actually, the Doc jumped the gun this time." Nabiki smirked at Tofu.
"Dad had one more line before you." She turned to Happousai. "As for
you..."

"I know, I know." He sighed. "Stick to my lines."

"Actually, no." She shook her head in wonder. "That was really good.
Where did you come up with all that?"

He shrugged. "You told me to imagine that they'd killed Kasumi."

"Yeah, but..." She shook her head. "That was way better than I
expected."

"Are you kidding? Kasumi's the best cook in here! And such a sweet
girl!"

"I always wondered why you stayed out of her underwear." She chuckled.
"I wish I was paying you; I'd give you a raise." She turned back to
Ranma. "First position."

"Got it."

"From Ranma's entry, please. Action!"

"Tofu!"

Soun grabbed Happousai's arm. "Come, Brother. I can't let you kill a man
for doing what he thought right." He dragged the smaller man towards the
dojo.

The Doctor turned, to see Ranma approaching. "Good timing, my friend. I
think you've just stopped a fight."

Ranma paused. "Actually, I'm here to start one."

"To start one?"

Ranma shifted to a ready stance. "You've lied, and killed a sweet girl."

"Is there a broken record here?"

"You are a coward, and I call you out on the matter of honour."

Tofu glanced over at Genma. "You know, I do believe Akane has something
to do with this."

"Surely not. Doesn't he hate Akane?"

"I'd have thought so, but still."

"Seems he means it, though." Tofu turned back to Ranma. "All right,
then. Since it is a matter of honour..."

Ranma stepped forward, and snapped a kick; Tofu parried it, stepped
inside his range, and landed a punch to his ribs. Ranma shifted,
allowing the blow to glance off, and launched an uppercut. Tofu dodged,
then was forced to turn as Ranma leaped clear over him. He barely
managed to dodge again, as Ranma's foot passed through the spot his head
had been a moment before. He turned, to see Ranma setting up for a
powerful blow...

...And Ryouga stepped between them, hands apart.

"That's enough!"

"Dammit, Ryouga! Interferin' in a man-to-man fight!"

"This is important." He turned, and walked through the gate.

"Cut! Someone grab him before he winds up in Yokohama!"

Ranma snagged Ryouga's shirt. "Wrong way, P-Chan."

"Who are you calling--"

"Shut up." Nabiki sighed. "Right in the middle of an action scene, too!
This is gonna be hell to edit around...Ryouga, your other left next
time. Got it?"

"Yeah, I got it."

"Okay, from Ranma's line. Action!"

"Dammit, Ryouga! Interferin' in a man-to-man fight!"

"This is important." He turned, and walked to the dojo. "Here are two
villains we apprehended last night!"

"Villains? These two are friends of Kuno's." He stepped forward. "What
have you two done?"

"It was me, Saotome-san." Hiroshi looked a broken man. "I seduced
Kodachi."

"Well, that's very silly of you, but not--"

"At the time, she wore Kasumi's kimono, and had her hair down."

Tofu paled. "You mean it was you I saw? You and...Kodachi?"

"Yeah." He looked down. "And after hearing that she died...I feel just
plain awful about it. You can kill me if you want."

"You couldn't know that..." Tofu swallowed. "Couldn't know that I'd act
so badly..."

Genma laid a hand on Hiroshi's shoulder. "Did Kuno put you up to this?"

"Yeah. Paid me to do it."

"That low..." Genma's fist trembled. "And here I'd thought he'd
reformed!"

"No wonder he buggered off so fast," mused Ranma.

"What is this?" Soun had returned, without Happousai in tow. "I've just
spoken with the sexton. You two are responsible for my daughter's
death?"

"Me, sir." Hiroshi crumpled further. "It was me who--"

"No, it wasn't." Soun shook his head. "You may have played your part,
but it was another who set the stage." He scowled. "Genma, my old
friend, when I see that Kuno boy next, I shall break every bone in his
body."

"I'll help."

Tofu stepped up to Soun, and bowed deeply. "I beg you...I have wronged
you and your daughter deeply. Do with me what you will."

Soun considered this. "How thoroughly do you mean this?"

"Anything I can do to make amends..."

"I shall take you at your word. Stand up, boy." He considered. "You
know, of course, that my brother was once married."

"I didn't." Tofu straightened.

"His daughter has come here for the wedding. She arrived just today,
only to hear the bad news." He frowned in thought. "She's been looking
for a husband herself, and she's not terribly fussy. Kasumi got her good
looks from my side of the family; Sora is almost identical to her. Marry
her; serve her as she pleases; and I will decide that honour is kept."

"I will do so, if she will have me."

"Good! Then it's all decided!" Soun laughed.

Ryouga tapped him on the shoulder. "Not quite all, sir." He jerked a
thumb towards the two prisoners. "There's still the matter of punishment
for those two."

"Oh, yes. Well, it won't be too harsh--"

"But that one, sir...When you get around to punishing him, please
remember that he called me a pig."

"Cut! Hot damn, that one went quite well."

Ranma looked puzzled. "But there were so many out-takes--"

"Yeah, but given the amount of clean lines we got out of it, I'm
actually kind of impressed." Nabiki grinned. "All right. Tomorrow's
casting call: Ranma, Akane, Dad, Ukyo, Happousai, Kasumi, Tsubasa. Be
there, or forfeit your pay; Act Five Scene Two is the final shooting."
She turned to the scriptwriter. "And you make damned sure you're there,
or I'll make your life a living hell."

"I wouldn't miss it for the world."

There was something about his voice that caught her attention, and once
again, she wondered just what he was up to.

---

My apologies on the long delay for this chapter.  The next (and final) scene should take a lot less time.  

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"Love...this mad distemper that strikes down both beggar and 
king.  Never again!  Never!"  --Merlin