[FFML] [Fic:SRW] Resonance Sigma (Beta, partial, Serious Critique needed)

[Adrian Tymes]

--- Mike Ching <wavehawk.geo at yahoo.com> wrote:
> I've been banging my head against a wall because this
> beast I'm writing just feels and reads all wrong. I'm
> trying to go for a Super Robot Wars fanfic, but with a
> Battlestar Galactica (2003)feel, but none of it is
> working. Either my pacing is all wrong, or I'm being
> too wordy, or it simply falls flat at the start.

I saw a few "it's" which should have been "its", but I think your major
problem is that this chapter is almost all character introduction and
very little plot.  Unless you will be using all the characters you're
introducing soon (and frankly, with that many characters, it seems
unlikely that you'll be seriously using most of them over the course of
your fic), you might want to cut the intros down by at least half - if
not more - and start getting on with the actual story.  Further intros
can be made later as needed.  (By analogy: to my knowledge, in none of
the SRW games did one see all the main characters in the first stage.
At least one was introduced in the first stage, of course, but others
were met later on.)

For example: if all the major action at first is going to revolve
around Pearl Harbor (as seems likely), why bother even mentioning any
of the space-going crew that won't be going there, to say nothing of
devoting an entire scene to detailing the captain's thoughts on his
upcoming mission?  If the ship will come into the story later, you can
set up its introduction at that time.