[FFML] [XOver][Ranma/Shakespeare] Much Ado About Ranma, Act Five, Scene Two

[David McMillan]

Timothy Groves wrote:

> * Disclaimer *
> 
> Takahashi Rumiko created Ranma 1/2 and all of the characters and
> situations found therein. I have no rights to them whatsoever, and hope
> that she and anyone to whom they have been properly licenced do not sue
> me.
> 
> William Shakespeare has been credited with the creation of Much Ado
> About Nothing, but regardless of whoever actually wrote it, I don't
> think I'm in danger of being sued for misusing it. My apologies
> nonetheless to the Bard.
> 
> Prior chapters can be found at http://www.tailkinker.net/muchado.htm
> 

	Woo hoo!  The only bad thing about getting this chapter is that it
means the tale is (almost?) over.

> 
> "I screwed up." The scriptwriter stared down at the script in his hands.
> "The first part of this scene..." He grabbed a highlighter from the
> table, and marked the pages. "Up to here. Major continuity violation."
> 
> Nabiki frowned. "What do we do about it?"
> 
> He shrugged. "Just delete it, I guess. It's not precisely critical." He
> set down the yellow marker, picked up a red pen, and make a few changes
> to the script. "That ought to take care of it."

	"Will, where are my PAGES?"
	Huh!  Theater is more like software engineering than I thought.  Who knew?

> Nabiki looked at the changes, and said, "This somewhat reduces Ranma's
> role."

	Ranma:  "But I'm still getting paid the same, right?"

> "I know, but I think that it will save you eight thousand in the
> budget." He smirked. "We won't need Shampoo today after all."

	Guess not.  Yen, or dollars?

> She flipped through the script rapidly. "She gets one line here." She
> grabbed the red pen, and scratched out two lines. "Now she doesn't.
> About time you actually saved me money, instead of costing me money."

	I've been in engineering meetings like this.

> "Hey, I want this thing done as much as you."
> 
> "Well, let me remind you of something." Nabiki picked up her coffee cup,
> sipped the rich brew. "This is the last scene. Finis. If we can do this
> scene all today -- and that shouldn't be too hard -- we are
> completely done."

	What a long, strange trip it's been.  :)

> "I know."
> 
> "Good." She stared at him across the cup. "Do try not to screw it up."
> She drained the cup, slammed it down on the table. "Let's go. We're on
> location in ten."

	Why do I have a feeling that he's keeping a list of all these snarks,
and grinning when no one's looking?

> - - - - -
> 
> "Hey, Nabiki." Ranma looked up from his red-marked script. "You realize
> I gotta sing in this scene, right?"
> 
> "Yes."
> 
> He frowned. "Sure that's a good idea? I mean, I'm not a very good
> singer."

	But his girl-form is.  And since this takes place in Italy, just tweak
the script to say that he's entered the opera and become a castrati...
no, wait, that's fanon.

> "That's precisely what we need."
> 
> "No, I mean, I'm really bad."
> 
> Nabiki considered, then said, "Well, Ranma, if you don't think you've
> got what it takes to sing, even badly, for the camera--"
> 
> "That's not what I meant!"

	Bull, red flag.  Red flag, bull.  Have fun.  :)

> She grinned at his bristling. "Well, in that case, get on set. Akane,
> first position. Hey, ugly. You got that camera in place?"
> 
> "Almost." The scriptwriter was struggling to place the camera at the
> high angle Nabiki had requested. "Sure this scene can't be shot from
> further down?"
> 
> "No, I need the high angle. And we'll have a cut for camera move halfway
> through."
> 
> "Bloody..."

	Ooo, a Britism!  (at least, I've never *met* a Canuck who used that
turn of phrase)

> "Shut up and work." She dropped into her director's chair, and picked up
> her remote. "You know, I checked the original script, and this was
> originally three scenes. Why did you meld them all?"

	"One scene to meld them all, and in the darkness--"
	"Forget it -- we are NOT doing LOTR."

> "Location." He stepped down. "This part of the compound is particularly
> nice, so I wrote it with this area in mind."
> 
> "Yeah, but I'm gonna want to move the cameras a fair amount. That one
> will stay where it is for the most part."
> 
> "Okay, it's there. Now what?"
> 
> Nabiki yelled out, "Positions!" The cast members scurried to their
> places, and Nabiki glanced down at the script. "Ranma, from your revised
> point. You ready?"
> 
> "Yep." He tossed the script out of camera arc.

	<snerk>  I hope the stapling/clipping/whatever was solid.

> "Cameras." Nabiki hit the remote, then yelled, "Action!"
> 
> 
> 
> Tail Kinker Presents
> 
> In Association with TN Enterprises
> 
> Much Ado About Ranma
> 
> 
> 
> "The god of love,
> That sits above,
> And knows me, and knows me,
> How pitiful I deserve,--"
> 
> Ranma paused, and rubbed his ears. "Okay, so I shouldn't sing. Better
> stick to what I know." He glanced up as Akane walked into the garden.

	Kicking @$$?

> "Akane! Yo, thanks; I wasn't sure that you'd actually show up."
> 
> "Only as long as needed." She grinned. "What happened with you and
> Tofu?"
> 
> "Well, we threw a few blows, but then--"
> 
> "You didn't do it, did you?" She darkened. "I ask you one thing--"

	Even if you put them in Shakespeare, some things never change.

> "Wait, Akane. Listen to me for once, will ya?"
> 
> "Fine." She crossed her arms. "I'm listening."

	...okay, THAT's different.

> "Tofu has seen the error of his ways. He apologized to your father, and
> he's going to make amends."
> 
> She considered this. "I guess that's good enough."
> 
> Ranma smirked. "I always deliver. Isn't that why you love me?"

	...supressing the first five hentai rejoinders that come to mind
(although ol' Will's stuff was pretty raunchy, if you know the
terminology...)

> "That, and a host of other bad reasons. Which taken all together, aren't
> that bad after all." She smirked. "You put up with me for as many bad
> reasons, I imagine."

	"Oh, let me count the ways..."

> "'Put up with' is a good way of puttin' it."
> 
> Akane laughed. "You do a good job of putting up with me, too."
> 
> "Yeah...seems we've been fightin' this long just for cover." He paused.
> "Nabiki, what the heck are ya tryin' with this, anyway?"

	WHOOP!  WHOOP!  He's sensing the jaws of the trap closing!  Quick,
somebody give him a distraction!
	Also, space after the ellipsis.

> "Cut." Nabiki's voice was weary. "Ranma, please. I know you're a martial
> artist, not an actor, but please. Try to stay in character, okay?"
> 
> "Sorry."
> 
> "Well, let's make the best of this. Get camera one moved to over there."
> The scriptwriter scrambled to carry out her orders. "We'll start this
> again from Akane's line."

	Scriptwriter, cameraman, key grip, gaffer -- is there anything this guy
doesn't do?  He's a real "man of theater."
	...now I'm having flashbacks to Christopher Stassheff's "Starship
Troupers."

> "Camera's up again. Hey, it's still rolling!"
> 
> "That's fine. I put a half-gig card in it myself."
> 
> "Okay."
> 
> Nabiki stood, and moved to the edge of the camera's field of view. "From
> Akane's line. Action!"
> 
> Akane laughed. "You do a good job of putting up with me, too."
> 
> "Yeah...seems we've been fightin' this long just for cover." He paused.
> "How is your sister?"

	Space after the ellipsis, again.

> Akane looked down. "She still feels really terrible."
> 
> "And you?"
> 
> "I don't feel so great either."
> 
> "Well, don't worry. Good news is about to arrive."
> 
> Nabiki ran up to the two. "Have you told her?"

	<boggle>  I'd actually forgotten that she was *acting* in this, as well.

> Ranma shrugged. "Naw. I figured I'd let her hear it from you."
> 
> "What?" Akane looked confused.
> 
> Nabiki grinned. "We got a full confession from the real villains; Kuno
> was behind it all. Kasumi's name is clear again."
> 
> Akane's eyes shone. "That's great news, Sis!" Her face fell. "Oops."
> 
> "That's all right, Akane, I've done the same thing. We'll just start
> again from your line."
> 
> "I feel stupid."
> 
> "Don't feel stupid. Just get back in on your line, the cameras are still
> rolling!"

	<snicker>

> Akane's eyes shone. "That's great news, Nabiki!"
> 
> "The priest is on his way here now, along with your sister. Tofu, your
> dad, and Saotome-san will be along any minute now. The whole party will
> be here, and I need to go--" She turned, and ran from the gardens.
> Seconds later, she returned with her father, Happousai, and the priest,
> as well as a tall woman, veiled in a white gown.
> 
> The priest laughed. "Did I not tell you she was innocent?"
> 
> "So are Tofu and Saotome. They believed the lies that were told them,
> but--" Soun shook his head. "Kodachi will have to be punished for this."

	I dunno, she might like it-- never mind, shutting up now.

> "Not too badly, I hope." Happousai drew on his pipe, then continued.
> "She was as much a dupe as anyone else."

	SP:  "dope."  Oh, wait, that's Tatewaki.  Never mind.

> Ranma sighed. "I'm just glad we found out before I beat poor Tofu into
> the ground over it all."

	Alas, poor Tofu -- he died a tent-peg.

> "Nabiki, Akane." Soun waved a hand. "Your veils, please."
> 
> "Certainly, Father. Come on, Nabiki, this'll be the most fun part." She
> grabbed the taller girl's hand and dragged her off, followed by the
> veiled woman.
> 
> Ranma turned to the priest. "It seems I may need your services myself."
> 
> "Oh?"
> 
> He turned again, to face Soun. "Tendo-san, Akane and I have kinda come
> to an agreement."

	Is this the part where Soun forgets that this is all a bit of theater?

> Soun looked at him expectantly. "Yes?"
> 
> "And we were kinda wonderin'...Can we make this a double wedding?"

	Ellipsis, space.	

> The priest started in surprise. Soun burst into tears. "My little girl
> is getting married!"

	<evil_laugh.wav>

> "Not with my help," scowled the priest.
> 
> "Cut!" Nabiki stormed back onto the set, and flipped up her veil.
> "Ukyo--"

	Oh.  Darn.  For a minute, I actually thought that they were going to
pull that "The priest was REAL?!?" gag.

> "I know, I'm not a real priest." Ukyo cracked her knuckles. "But this is
> just a little more than I can put up with, all right?"
> 
> "But--"
> 
> "Look, I know, it's just a movie, all right?" She sighed. "You're just
> gonna have to put up with a sour-faced priest during this sham, is all."
> 
> "I can live with that. I can't live with any more delays!"
> 
> "Uh, Nabs..." The scriptwriter walked up, almost cringing. "We got a low
> battery alarm on camera one."

	What, no extension cords?  I know, I know, this scene wasn't supposed
to take so long...

> Nabiki dug into her pocket, and pulled out a spare battery pack. "Change
> it! And don't call me Nabs!"
> 
> "Right."
> 
> Ukyo watched the scriptwriter shuffle off towards the camera. "Uh,
> Nabiki...why didn't you recharge the batteries last night?"

	Space, ellipsis -- I wonder if there's a email conversion going on here?

> "I did. The spares. It was his job to recharge the main camera
> batteries."

	But he wasn't-- no, wait, he showed up at the tail end, didn't he?

> "So why--"
> 
> "Tell you later." She flipped her veil back down. "We'll resume from
> Ranma's line."
> 
> "Which one?"
> 
> "'And we were kinda wondering.'"
> 
> "Okay." Ranma nodded, and Nabiki stormed back off the set. He watched
> her stalk off, and grinned. "Gettin' kinda grumpy, ain't she?"

	Methinks she needeth a good "taming of the shrew."  :P

> "Action!"
> 
> "And we were kinda wonderin'...Can we make this a double wedding?"

	Deja vu... ellipsis, space.

> The priest started in surprise. Soun burst into tears. "My little girl
> is getting married!"
> 
> The priest nodded sourly. "You will have my help."
> 
> "Excellent! Oh, happy day!" Soun showed no signs of running out of
> tears. "And here comes Tofu and Saotome-san!"
> 
> Tofu walked up to Soun, and bowed deeply. "Again, my good host, I
> apologize."
> 
> "You are here to make amends, boy." Happousai poked him in the ribs.
> "Are you ready?"
> 
> "I am. Ready to pledge my entire life to Hero's memory." He paused. "Oh,
> no."

	<snerk>  Sometimes there's a DISadvantage to knowing the canon material.

> "That's fine, Doc. From the Doc's line. Keep going, the cameras are
> rolling!"
> 
> "I am. Ready to pledge my entire life to Kasumi's memory." He turned, as
> three veiled girls approached. "And which of these three shall it be?"
> 
> "Can you not see it, my boy?" Happousai waved a hand towards the three.
> "Which of these is most like her?"
> 
> He hesitated, then reached forward and took the hand of the tallest of
> the three. "This one, I think. She is the tallest, nearly as tall as
> Kasumi." He leaned a bit closer. "Please, show me your face."
> 
> "No." Happousai shook his head.

	"We need to keep you sane until the filming's done."

> Soun continued. "Not until you take her hand before the priest, and
> swear to marry her."
> 
> He stepped back, and the girl followed. "Before this priest, I do swear
> to marry you. If you will have me, I shall be your husband."
> 
> "And while I lived, I was your other wife." Kasumi drew back the veil.
> 
> Tofu's face twisted into a hate-filled visage. "You!" He drew back a
> fist, and Tendo grabbed his arm.

	WHA-!?!?

> "Oh, crap, he's wearing the jewel right-side up!" Nabiki threw back her
> veil. "Ranma, get his other arm!"

	CRAP!
	...wait... I thought the jewel had to be upside-down to reverse one's
emotions?

> "I got him."
> 
> Nabiki reached forward and plucked the Reversal Jewel from Tofu's lapel.
> His face went from frenzied to fogged, but only until Nabiki got the
> Jewel flipped and pinned back on.
> 
> "You okay, Doc?"
> 
> "Yeah." He glanced over to Kasumi. "I'm really sorry--"
> 
> "Don't be." She smiled. "You're better now."
> 
> Nabiki flipped her veil back over her face. "Okay, back in place,
> everyone. From the Doc's line. Kasumi, your veil. Action!"
> 
> "Before this priest, I do swear to marry you. If you will have me, I
> shall be your husband."
> 
> "And while I lived, I was your other wife." Kasumi drew back the veil.
> 
> "...Kasumi?"

	EVERYBODY COVER YOUR SPINES!
	(sorry, couldn't help it)

> "I died, but only until the lies against me died." She smiled up at him.
> 
> The priest spoke up. "I shall tell the tale of Kasumi's miraculous
> resurrection, once the ceremonies are complete."
> 
> "Just a moment, Ukyo." Ranma turned to the other two girls. "'Fraid I'm
> not as perceptive as the Doc. Which of you two is Akane?"
> 
> "That would be me." She stepped forward and flipped back her veil.
> 
> "Akane...You love me, right?"

	Space after the ellipsis (finally, some constructive C&C!)

> She tilted her head. "Only as much as you deserve."

	That noise isn't dice -- it's my eyes rolling.

> Snickers ran around the wedding party. Ranma scratched his head. "Well,
> your Pop and my Pop, and Tofu for that matter, well, they all kinda
> think you do."
> 
> "And do you love me?"
> 
> "Only as much as ya deserve!"
> 
> More snickers, and now Akane looked confused. "But my sister told
> me...and so did Nabiki and Kodachi..." She stopped as realization
> dawned.

	Ellipsis, space... I suspect that either your email client or mine is
stripping some spaces.

> "They told me you were pinin' away for me!"
> 
> "And they told me that..." She darkened. "Dad!"

	I think they're about to get divorced, and they're not even married yet.

> "Oh, come on, Akane!" Soun grinned. "We all know you two have loved each
> other almost as long as you've known each other!"
> 
> "Here's proof!" Tofu held up a scrap of paper. "It's a bad song, but he
> wrote it for her!"
> 
> "Here's more!" Nabiki held up a diary. "Full of stuff about how she
> loves him!"
> 
> There was a pause.
> 
> "Nabiki..." Akane swallowed. "That's not a prop."

	<pindrop>
	You know, Akane, all you had to do was stay QUIET until after filming....

> "I know."
> 
> "That's really my diary."
> 
> "Yes, I know." She turned to the scriptwriter. "Get that camera moved.
> No time like the present."
> 
> "Nabiki!" Akane was looking desperate.
> 
> "Camera two, Nabs?"
> 
> "Yes. And for the last time, don't call me--"
> 
> "NABIKI!"
> 
> "What?" Nabiki turned and looked innocently at her.
> 
> "Give me that diary!"
> 
> "No, we still need it for a prop." She handed it to Ranma. "Here, hold
> this a minute, will you?"

	...oh.  Oh, Nabiki, you sly, sneaky, underhanded, conniving,
manipulative, brilliant WITCH!  Marry me!

> "No!" Akane lunged forward, but Ranma danced out of her reach.
> 
> "There must be somethin' good in here..." He fumbled with the catch,
> then looked up. "It's locked!"

	Okay, so she wasn't playing quite the game I thought she was.

> Akane took advantage of his distraction to snatch back the diary.
> 
> "Hey, Akane. Is that really full of--"
> 
> "NO!"

	Methinks the lady doth protest too much.

> "Methinks the lady doth protest too much," muttered the scriptwriter.
> "Okay, it's in place."

	...I *swear,* I didn't read ahead.  But I guess that *would* be the
obvious wisecrack to make....

> Nabiki took the diary from the blushing Akane, then stepped back and
> lowered her veil again. "Okay, from my line. Action."
> 
> "Here's more!" Nabiki held up a diary. "Full of stuff about how she
> loves him!"
> 
> There was a pause.
> 
> Ranma chuckled. "Looks like we've outsmarted ourselves."
> 
> Akane laughed unsteadily. "Well, to tell the truth, I only loved you
> because I thought you were dying."
> 
> "Oh, really?" He grabbed her arms, and pulled her in for a kiss. The
> wedding party broke out into a chorus of cheers, and when he released
> her, she gasped for breath.

	No scotch tape this time, huh?  :D

> "Damn, I had no idea you could kiss like that!"

	Was that in the script?

> Chuckles ran around the group, and Ranma turned to Tofu. "Seems you were
> right about me after all."
	
	Guess so.

> Tofu nodded. "And I think that this once, you're happy to be wrong."
> 
> "Cut! And that's a wrap! Filming on this movie is over!"
> 
> Akane jerked back from Ranma's grip, and rapped his head. "Give a girl
> warning!"
> 
> He rubbed his forehead. "Ya read the script, didn't ya?" He turned the
> other way, to find himself facing Ukyo.

	And the SPATULA of DOOM.

> "About that kiss, Ranchan..." She rolled up a sleeve.


	"What, you want one too?"
	Hey, Ranma's *almost* thick enough to say that....

> Nabiki turned away from the mayhem erupting in the garden. "All right.
> We've already got most of the stuff digitized. Just have to run the
> capture on today's shooting, and I can send it all off to the editor."
> 
> "Yeah, about that." The scriptwriter tapped his lip with his pen. "How
> much is that going to set you back?"
> 
> "Twelve grand."
> 
> "Ouch."
> 
> "Yes."
> 
> He paused, then said, "What if I could get it done for you, for free?"

	Hmm... what's his angle?

> She frowned. "I'm listening."
> 
> "I've got a buddy in the States who's pretty good at editing digital
> video. We can fire it across the net as chunks, and he can splice it
> together for you."
> 
> "And what will he charge?"
> 
> "Oh, he's willing to do it for fun."
> 
> Nabiki's frown deepened. "And why are you suggesting this?"
> 
> "Well, it would save you that twelve thousand, right? So you'd win the
> bet."
> 
> She nodded. "Go on."
> 
> "I've been keeping track of the budget most carefully, Nabs."
> 
> "Don't call me--"
> 
> "Oh, I think I will." He grinned. "You see, I know that because of the
> lost memory on the video card, the damage to the camera--I'm so glad
> that you dropped it, not me--the wages you had to pay the Amazons,
> not to mention Ichiro and Jiro...well, after all these expenses, you're
> going to be over budget. By about three thousand yen."
> 
> Nabiki sighed. "How much is Hasegawa paying you?"
> 
> "Well, he offered ten thousand. That's about a hundred bucks, where I
> come from. He can afford it--you wagered the entire budget, as I
> recall."
> 
> "Yes," she said sourly. "And you're willing to walk away from ten grand.
> Why?"

	NOT READING AHEAD:  I suspect something mildly romantic in the offing
-- not sappily, 'cause that'll just turn Nabs right off.
	Either that, or he gets the right to call her "Nabs" in perpetuity.
	
> "Simple." He grinned. "I asked you out for coffee earlier, if you
> recall. Now, it has to be dinner and a movie. And I'll get Ben to do the
> editing for free. And who knows? You might discover that you like me
> more than you admit."

	Yep.  About what I was expecting.

> "Ah, I see." She smiled. "Shooting this romantic comedy has gone to your
> head." 

	Occupational hazard.

>She paused. "You know, I've discovered already that I like you
> more than you thought. You're evil and devious, and I can respect that."

	...is it just me, or are the two of them doing their own MAAN in
miniature here?  The number of reflections in play, it's like two
mirrors facing each other.

> "Good! What time--"
> 
> "I'm not done." She raised a hand. "You're devious, but not in my
> league. I'm nowhere near over budget."
> 
> "...Eh?"
> 
> "Yes, I had to pay Ichiro, Jiro and Shampoo. I did not have to pay
> Mousse or Cologne, however."
> 
> The scriptwriter's jaw dropped. "But you told me--"
> 
> "No, I never did. I believe I mentioned that I had to pay Shampoo, but
> the other two volunteered. Well, technically," she amended, "Mousse was
> voluntold. So your estimate of the budget is off by sixteen grand."

	"Voluntold."  That's a good one.  :)

> "Ouch."

	Don't worry -- I figure the Romantic Comedy Gods will arrange for one
of the cameras to get smashed or something right...

> "Yes."
> 
> He considered this for a moment, then looked up. "Well, how about dinner
> and a movie anyway?"

	...about...


> "No. Because you are evil and devious. And Akane was right; you're a
> pervert, too." She turned. "Akane? I'm done with him now."

	...now?  Oh, dear.
	And what'd he do that's so perverted, I'd like to know?

> "Excellent!" Akane cracked her knuckles and stepped forward.
> 
> "And while he enjoys his flight back to Canada, via Air Akane..." She
> grinned, and tossed the memory chip in her hand. "I have to get ahold of
> my editor."

	Aw, c'mon!  Okay, I guess we'll have to wait for you to do TotS before
we get to see Nabiki get what's coming to her.

> 
> -FINIS-
> 
> 
> 
> Author's Notes and Ramblings
> 
> For those astute readers who noticed, yes, this was an SI fic. But I
> wrote it from the beginning with the expectation that it would be a bit
> of a parody of SI fics. The scriptwriter, having no more talents than
> myself, fares poorly in the Ranmaverse, failing in just about every goal
> he has.
> 
> Except for possibly the writing. If he failed in that, I do apologize to
> my readers.

	I'm torn -- I'm a sucker for Nabiki-hit-by-Cupid's-arrow stories, as
long as they're done well.  And I think this one could have pulled it
off (at least as far as getting yourself dinner and a movie).  But I
can't deny that it works as-is.

> I had a lot of fun with this one, despite the writer's block that
> paralysed me towards the end. And I hope that you, honoured readers,
> also enjoyed it.

	Most definitely did.