[FFML] [XOver][Ranma/Shakespeare] Much Ado About Ranma Act Four Scene Two and Act Five Scene One

[David McMillan]

	Woo HOO!!!!  It's great to see this continue -- it was the 'fic that 
finally convinced me to pick up the DVD of the Branagh&Thompson version 
of MAAN.  And I have to say, that adds a lot to the reading experience 
of this 'fic.


Timothy Groves wrote:

> * Disclaimer *
> 
> Takahashi Rumiko created Ranma 1/2 and all of the characters and
> situations found therein. I have no rights to them whatsoever, and hope
> that she and anyone to whom they have been properly licenced do not sue
> me.
> 
> William Shakespeare has been credited with the creation of Much Ado
> About Nothing, but regardless of whoever actually wrote it, I don't
> think I'm in danger of being sued for misusing it. My apologies
> nonetheless to the Bard.

	Will:  "No prob, I stole most of my good stuff from Sophocles, anyway."

> "Have you seen him at all today?"
> 
> Akane shook her head. "No, Sis. I assumed that after you told him we
> were taking today off--"
> 
> "Good." Nabiki sighed. "I'm really starting to think that hiring him for
> this was a bad choice."
> 
> "Who else would have done it?"
> 
> "Shut up, you."

	Ah, the nameless character who always calls her "Nabs."  Heh.

> "Besides, you didn't hire him. He's working for free."
> 
> "I said--" Nabiki sighed. "Well, I guess the old adage is true: You get
> what you pay for."

	Honestly, I think she's getting more than she paid for.  Or bargained 
for.  <evil laugh>

> "Who's in this scene?"
> 
> "Hmmm..." Nabiki flipped through the casting call. "Ryouga and Mousse,
> Hiroshi and Daisuke, and..." She stopped, speechless. "I can't believe
> it!"
> 
> "What?"
> 
> "That idiot! What the hell is wrong with him?"
> 
> Akane leaned closer. "Who?"
> 
> "He's got Principal Kuno down for the Sexton!"

	That... could be messy.

> "Oh." Akane leaned back, and frowned. "That's not so good, is it?"
> 
> Nabiki shook her head. "There's no way I'm letting that freak near this
> set. Bad enough that we've got Happousai in this flick. If I let
> Kuno-sensei in, everyone will have shaved heads in an instant!"

	Although I bet that, if they were using film, ol' pineapple-head would 
make a *great* cutting-room man....

> "Excuse me."
> 
> Nabiki turned, to see Cologne standing next to her. The old woman's arms
> were crossed, and her face was creased in a smirk. Nabiki nodded, and
> slowly smiled.
> 
> "Ah, Elder. I seem to recall that I owe you a favour."

	Agh!  Brit spelling!  My spellchecker choketh!  :)

> "Indeed." Cologne's smirk widened. "And would this be a good time for me
> to call it in?"

> "I don't see why not."
> 
> "Very well. I always wanted to be in a movie..."

		"Believe it or not, I used to be Marlene Dietrech's stunt double."

> Nabiki thrust the script into the old woman's hands. "Page 29, the part
> named 'Sexton'." She turned to face the assembled cast and crew. "One
> minute, everyone!"

	Well, at least it's a part without too many lines to memorize.

> "My costume is--"
> 
> "Get it fixed!" She grabbed a camera, wrestled it into place.

	<snicker>  Is it just me, or is Nabs starting to show signs of the 
pressure getting to her?

> "Camera's rolling, and...action!" Tail Kinker Presents In Association
> with TN Enterprises Much Ado About Ranma

	Mmm... formatting bug here?


> Ryouga glanced around the dojo. "Is everyone here? We missing anyone?"
> 
> "No." Mousse grabbed a heavy bag and dragged it over. "Here's a stool
> for the sexton."

	Took me three tries to realize that you were referring to a *punching* 
bag -- I kept visualizing a sack full of weights or something.

> "Cut." Nabiki sighed. "Mousse, that's not the stool."
> 
> "It's not?"
> 
> "No. The stool is over there." She pointed, and Mousse shuffled in the
> direction indicated. "Let's take it from the top." She sighed, and sat
> back down. "Rolling...and action."
> 
> Ryouga glanced around the dojo. "Is everyone here? We missing anyone?"
> 
> "No." Mousse grabbed a stool and dragged it over. "Here's a stool for
> the Sexton."
> 
> "Thank you." Cologne climbed onto the stool, and glanced around. "And
> who are the malefactors?"
> 
> Ryouga shrugged. "Guess that'd be me and Mousse."
> 
> "Yeah." Mousse nodded. "We're the factors."

	"And we're male."  :)

> Cologne rolled her eyes. "I mean, who are the bad guys?"
> 
> "Oh." Ryouga collared Hiroshi and dragged him forwards. "This guy, and
> his partner in crime, over there. What's your name, punk?"
> 
> "Uhh...Hiroshi."
> 
> Ryouga turned back to Cologne. "Write him down as Hiroshi."

	Not as "uhhhHiroshi"?  :D  After seeing the way Michael Keaton played 
this scene, no level of verbal slapstick would surprise me.

> "Certainly." Cologne paused. "Do I have a notebook?"
> 
> "Cut!" Nabiki sighed. "Sorry, Cologne." She dug out a notebook and pen,
> and passed them to the Amazon. "Okay, from Ryouga's line. Action!"
> 
> Ryouga turned back to Cologne. "Write him down as Hiroshi."
> 
> "Certainly."
> 
> Ryouga turned to Daisuke. "And you, punk?"
> 
> Daisuke straightened. "I'll have you know I'm a gentleman, and my name
> is Daisuke."

	Yuka and Sayuri would like to disagree.

> "Fine. Write him down as Master Gentleman Daisuke." Ryouga sighed. "You
> might be a gentleman, but you are still a villain."
> 
> "I am not!"
> 
> "You claim to be an honourable man?"

	Brit spelling again.  Well, this *is* Shakespeare...  :)

> "Yes!"
> 
> Ryouga turned back to the sexton. "Write down that he claims to be an
> honourable man."
> 
> The sexton cackled at that. "Ryouga, you're not going about this the
> right way. As usual. You got anyone who can tell me what really
> happened?"

	And a R.5 injoke slips right in with the Bard's humor, almost unnoticed.

> "Yes." Ryouga turned to Ichiro. "Tell the sexton what you heard."
> 
> Ichiro shrugged. "Well, that Hiroshi fellow said a lot about Kuno being
> a twit."
> 
> "This is not news."

	Some of the parallels between R.5 and MAAN really are startling, aren't 
they?

> "Write it down anyway. Kuno is a twit."
> 
> "Certainly." The sexton turned to Ichiro. "What else did he say?"
> 
> "Well, he said that he'd gotten fifty thousand to pull a fast one on
> Tofu and Saotome."

	*I* wouldn't cross those two for a measly five hundred and change...

> "Oh, really?"
> 
> "Yeah. Apparently, he just had to appear in a...compromising
> position...with one of her servants. Tofu saw that, and thought it was

	One of whose servants?  There's no antecedent to identify "her" here. 
(of course, I *know* who, but there are grammatical niceties to be observed)

> Kasumi, and flipped out." Ichiro shrugged. "And I guess you've heard
> what happened at the wedding."

	That was an awfully nasty scene, for a romantic comedy.  Hmm... I need 
to go back and re-read the last chapter, to refresh my memory of how it 
worked between Tofu and Kasumi.  Heck, I need to re-read the whole 'fic.

> "Indeed, I have." The sexton sighed. "Anything else?"
> 
> "No. That's when me and Jiro jumped them."
> 
> "Well, since Kuno has fled, it will be difficult to get a confession
> from him." The sexton sighed again. "And poor Kasumi dead from grief..."

	"It was as if millions of otaku had cried out in pain... and kept right 
on crying."

> Ryouga cracked his knuckles. "Well, we still gotta decide on a
> punishment."

	They got Kasumi killed.  Death is too good for them.  I vote for a keg 
of "Drowned Akane" with a Chiisuiton chaser, followed by gift-wrapping 
and DHL delivery to Kuno's doorstep.

> "From you?" Hiroshi sneered. "You're a pig, Ryouga. A common pig!"
> 
> "Oh?" Ryouga turned to the sextant. "Please write that I am a pig."

	Such tiny tweaks the MAAN jokes need to slide right in to the R.5 millieu.

> "Cut!" Nabiki grinned. "Good work, everyone. Cologne, you're a natural,
> and I wish I'd had you since day one."
> 
> "Thank you, my dear."
> 
> "Okay, that wraps up Act Four--finally--so we might as well move right
> on to Act Five."
> 
> 
> 
> * * * * *
> 
> 
> 
> They reconvened outside the dojo, near the rear gate. Nabiki glanced
> around. "Okay, we got enough room here; there's gonna be some action in
> this one." She flipped through the script. "Dad and Happousai, on set;
> Saotome-san and Doc, on at second cue."

	Gee, she sounds so professional.  :)

> "Ready, Nabiki."
> 
> "Ranma, you're on at third cue. Dad, Happousai, remember, you're very
> angry with these two. Dad, they killed your daughter." She glanced over

	I'm surprised he doesn't dissolve into tears at the very thought.  But 
maybe he's getting the acting bug -- everyone else seems to be.

> at Happousai. "Happi, they killed a sweet innocent girl."
> 
> Happousai shrugged. "No problem."

	<faceplant>

> "Not good enough. They killed a beautiful, leggy girl with a closet full
> of as-yet unworn undergarments."

	The mark of a truly great director: knowing how to properly motivate 
the actors.
	Good thing Kasumi isn't here, or her blush would probably set the house 
on fire.

> "Oh, that's very different!" Happousai cracked his knuckles.
> 
> "Okay, then. We're set." She clicked the remote. "Rolling,
> and...action!"
> 
> "I'm just saying that if you don't get over this, you're going to kill
> yourself." Happousai paused to draw on his pipe.
> 
> "Brother, I am glad you're concerned for me, but please." Soun sighed.
> "I don't want any more advice. You've given me more than I can stomach
> already. My daughter is dead!" Tears streamed from his eyes. "Too easily
> I believed them. But now my heart tells me the truth. Those baseless
> louts! Their lies killed her, as certain as if they'd plunged a dagger
> into her chest..." He paused. "Wasn't this supposed to be a modern
> remake?"
> 
> "Cut." Nabiki sighed. "Why didn't you mention this before we started?"
> 
> "I'm sorry, Nabiki. It just occurred to me. Why a dagger? That's rather
> primitive, and not at all Japanese."

	Yes, a tanto would be far more appropriate.

> "You're right, I guess." She considered. "Okay. Run with what seems
> right. I can trust you with this. From Dad's line." She stepped back.
> "Action!"
> 
> "Brother, I am glad you're concerned for me, but please." Soun sighed,
> then looked up as Saotome and Tofu approached. "Wait! I'm not done my
> lines!"
> 
> "Cut!" Nabiki waved them off. "That wasn't your cue!"
> 
> "Oops." Tofu rubbed the back of his head. "I'm a doctor, not an actor!"

	...Tofu as played by DeForrest Kelley.  Actually, I'd like to see that.

> "Oy." She rolled her eyes. "Watch me. Wait for the cue. This is your
> cue." She raised a finger, moved it in a half-circle. "Got it?"
> 
> "Yes. Sorry."
> 
> "It's not a verbal cue; I can't use those while the camera is running.
> Okay. Let's try it again from Dad's line."
> 
> "Brother, I am glad you're concerned for me, but please." Soun sighed.
> "I don't want any more advice. You've given me more than I can stomach
> already. My daughter is dead!" Tears streamed from his eyes. "Too easily
> I believed them. But now my heart tells me the truth. Those baseless
> louts! Their lies killed her, as certain as if they'd shot her. Is it
> any wonder that I am filled with grief and vengeance? Could any father
> be less so?"

	I could quibble that a gun is no more Japanese than a dagger, but what 
the hey, it's Soun's ad-lib.

> "No, my brother. I can agree with you on that." Happousai sighed. "But
> do yourself a favour. Dwell less on the grief, and more on the
> vengeance." He pointed towards the house. "Here they come now."

	When Happi talks about vengeance, I get a distinct desire to run away.

> Soun turned to face the two. And waited. And waited some more.
> 
> "Cut." Nabiki sighed. "Now, I know I forgot the cue, but shouldn't you
> have realized that that was your entry."

	"...entry?"

> "But you told us to--"
> 
> "Yes. I did." Nabiki knuckled her forehead. "Anyone got any Tylenol?"

	Yep, it's getting to her.  Although really, she's doing pretty well, 
considering.

> "Here ya go, Nabs." The scriptwriter handed her a bottle.
> 
> "Thanks." She blinked. "When the hell did you get here?"
> 
> "Just now."
> 
> "And where the hell have you been?"
> 
> "Well, you told me we weren't shooting today." He shrugged. "So I went
> to the Nekohanten, and it was all closed up. Imagine my surprise when I
> went over to Ucchan's, and it was closed up to. But Konatsu told me that
> you were shooting today after all, so..."
> 
> "We had a break in some people's schedule, and I decided to take them up
> on it."

	Couldn't have been that you were trying to get rid of him, could it Nabs?

> "You have all three of the Nekohanten folk here?"
> 
> "Yeah, and let me remind you how much it cost just to hire Shampoo." She

	Actually, Shampoo hasn't shown up at all in this chapter.  Is she around?

> tossed back the Tylenol. "Okay. From Happousai's line. Saotome-san, Doc,
> please try to show just a hair of initiative, all right?"
> 
> Genma nodded. "We'll try not to let you down again."
> 
> "Baka-san, you got that camera?"

	<snerk>

> "I'm on it."
> 
> "Rolling again. Action!"
> 
> "No, my brother. I can agree with you on that." Happousai sighed. "But
> do yourself a favour. Dwell less on the grief, and more on the
> vengeance." He pointed towards the house. "Here they come now."
> 
> Soun turned to face the two. "Genma. Tofu. I would have words with you."
> 
> "Not now, old friend." Genma waved him off. "We must be going."
> 
> "I think now is a perfect time, old friend." Soun's voice was chilling.
> "You have wronged me."
> 
> "And how?" Tofu laughed hollowly. "If anyone is wronged here--"
> 
> "You shut up, boy!" Tofu winced at the cold voice. "Innocent or guilty,
> Kasumi deserved far better than the way you have treated her. My
> daughter is dead because of you!"
> 
> Tofu shifted his stance, and Soun laughed.
> 
> "You do not scare me, boy. Saotome trained you, and I trained with him;
> I know every dirty move he's taught you, and have years more training
> than you."

	And again, the way you fold together MAAN and R.5 tropes works 
surprisingly well.

> "I know that, Soun." Tofu did not relax his stance. "I know I can't beat
> you. I just ask to leave in peace."
> 
> "Oh, hell no." Happousai stepped forward. "There's no way you're just
> walking out of here! Not after the way you besmirched the name of that
> sweet, innocent girl! She cannot take revenge, but I can do so in her
> name!"
> 
> "Brother--"
> 
> "You hold your tongue, Soun." Happousai waved his pipe. "These two
> gentlemen have slain my favourite niece!" He wiped his eye. "That poor,
> beautiful girl...How I loved her! She was the only one to treat me
> kindly--not like the other ingrates around here!"

	.....Well, that's Kasumi for you.

> "But Brother--"
> 
> "No! Not another word, Soun! That poor, sweet thing...never to see her
> lovely face, to hear her sweet voice again. To bask in her kindness..."
> He looked up, fire in her eyes. "These two foul, loathsome braggarts
> shall pay!"

	Wow.  Not a single perverted word.  I'm impressed.

> "Happousai." Genma looked down sternly at the old man. "I have stated
> only what I have seen. On my honour. And Tofu was there with me." He
> shook his head. "I will not argue it further, nor will I fight you."
> 
> "Tofu!"
> 
> The Doctor turned, to see Ranma approaching. "Good timing, my friend. I
> think you've just stopped a fight."
> 
> "Actually, I'm here to start one."

	That's almost typecasting, you know.  :)

> "Cut!"
> 
> Ranma scowled. "Crap. Sorry, Nabiki."
> 
> "Actually, the Doc jumped the gun this time." Nabiki smirked at Tofu.
> "Dad had one more line before you." She turned to Happousai. "As for
> you..."
> 
> "I know, I know." He sighed. "Stick to my lines."
> 
> "Actually, no." She shook her head in wonder. "That was really good.
> Where did you come up with all that?"
> 
> He shrugged. "You told me to imagine that they'd killed Kasumi."
> 
> "Yeah, but..." She shook her head. "That was way better than I
> expected."
> 
> "Are you kidding? Kasumi's the best cook in here! And such a sweet
> girl!"
> 
> "I always wondered why you stayed out of her underwear." She chuckled.

	<snerk>  Well, I suppose that's one explanation.

> "I wish I was paying you; I'd give you a raise." She turned back to
> Ranma. "First position."

	A RAISE?  Okay, who are you and what did you do with the REAL Nabiki Tendo?

> "Got it."
> 
> "From Ranma's entry, please. Action!"
> 
> "Tofu!"
> 
> Soun grabbed Happousai's arm. "Come, Brother. I can't let you kill a man
> for doing what he thought right." He dragged the smaller man towards the
> dojo.

	"Why not?  It wouldn't be the first time."

> The Doctor turned, to see Ranma approaching. "Good timing, my friend. I
> think you've just stopped a fight."
> 
> Ranma paused. "Actually, I'm here to start one."

	Deja vu.

> "To start one?"
> 
> Ranma shifted to a ready stance. "You've lied, and killed a sweet girl."
> 
> "Is there a broken record here?"

	<ROTFL>  I wonder what the 1600s equivalent of that line would be?

> "You are a coward, and I call you out on the matter of honour."
> 
> Tofu glanced over at Genma. "You know, I do believe Akane has something
> to do with this."

	Ah, you detect her subtle hand-- er, sledgehammer.

> "Surely not. Doesn't he hate Akane?"
> 
> "I'd have thought so, but still."
> 
> "Seems he means it, though." Tofu turned back to Ranma. "All right,
> then. Since it is a matter of honour..."

	Cue "Mortal Kombat" sound track.

> Ranma stepped forward, and snapped a kick; Tofu parried it, stepped
> inside his range, and landed a punch to his ribs. Ranma shifted,
> allowing the blow to glance off, and launched an uppercut. Tofu dodged,
> then was forced to turn as Ranma leaped clear over him. He barely
> managed to dodge again, as Ranma's foot passed through the spot his head
> had been a moment before. He turned, to see Ranma setting up for a
> powerful blow...
> 
> ...And Ryouga stepped between them, hands apart.

	Boo!  Down in front!

> "That's enough!"

	Which could have come right off the MK soundtrack I had in mind, oddly 
enough.

> "Dammit, Ryouga! Interferin' in a man-to-man fight!"
> 
> "This is important." He turned, and walked through the gate.
> 
> "Cut! Someone grab him before he winds up in Yokohama!"

	"I swear, Coppola never has to deal with this kind of thing."

> Ranma snagged Ryouga's shirt. "Wrong way, P-Chan."
> 
> "Who are you calling--"
> 
> "Shut up." Nabiki sighed. "Right in the middle of an action scene, too!
> This is gonna be hell to edit around...Ryouga, your other left next
> time. Got it?"
> 
> "Yeah, I got it."
> 
> "Okay, from Ranma's line. Action!"
> 
> "Dammit, Ryouga! Interferin' in a man-to-man fight!"
> 
> "This is important." He turned, and walked to the dojo. "Here are two
> villains we apprehended last night!"
> 
> "Villains? These two are friends of Kuno's." He stepped forward. "What
> have you two done?"
> 
> "It was me, Saotome-san." Hiroshi looked a broken man. "I seduced
> Kodachi."

	"Woah, dude, I'm sorry.  I didn't know you were that hard up."

> "Well, that's very silly of you, but not--"
> 
> "At the time, she wore Kasumi's kimono, and had her hair down."
> 
> Tofu paled. "You mean it was you I saw? You and...Kodachi?"

	"My EYES!  I must spork them out of my skull!  The goggles, they do 
NOTHING!"

> "Yeah." He looked down. "And after hearing that she died...I feel just
> plain awful about it. You can kill me if you want."

	Careful, Hi -- given how the doc loses touch with reality wherever 
Kasumi is concerned, this might just be actually dangerous.

> "You couldn't know that..." Tofu swallowed. "Couldn't know that I'd act
> so badly..."
> 
> Genma laid a hand on Hiroshi's shoulder. "Did Kuno put you up to this?"
> 
> "Yeah. Paid me to do it."
> 
> "That low..." Genma's fist trembled. "And here I'd thought he'd
> reformed!"
> 
> "No wonder he buggered off so fast," mused Ranma.
> 
> "What is this?" Soun had returned, without Happousai in tow. "I've just
> spoken with the sexton. You two are responsible for my daughter's
> death?"
> 
> "Me, sir." Hiroshi crumpled further. "It was me who--"
> 
> "No, it wasn't." Soun shook his head. "You may have played your part,
> but it was another who set the stage." He scowled. "Genma, my old

	Everyone's awfully quick on the forgiveness here.  But then, they *are* 
on a schedule.

> friend, when I see that Kuno boy next, I shall break every bone in his
> body."

	"I'll hold your gi."

> "I'll help."
> 
> Tofu stepped up to Soun, and bowed deeply. "I beg you...I have wronged
> you and your daughter deeply. Do with me what you will."
> 
> Soun considered this. "How thoroughly do you mean this?"
> 
> "Anything I can do to make amends..."
> 
> "I shall take you at your word. Stand up, boy." He considered. "You
> know, of course, that my brother was once married."

	Use of "considered" twice in a row.

> "I didn't." Tofu straightened.
> 
> "His daughter has come here for the wedding. She arrived just today,
> only to hear the bad news." He frowned in thought. "She's been looking
> for a husband herself, and she's not terribly fussy. Kasumi got her good
> looks from my side of the family; Sora is almost identical to her. Marry
> her; serve her as she pleases; and I will decide that honour is kept."
> 
> "I will do so, if she will have me."
> 
> "Good! Then it's all decided!" Soun laughed.
> 
> Ryouga tapped him on the shoulder. "Not quite all, sir." He jerked a
> thumb towards the two prisoners. "There's still the matter of punishment
> for those two."
> 
> "Oh, yes. Well, it won't be too harsh--"
> 
> "But that one, sir...When you get around to punishing him, please
> remember that he called me a pig."

	...nah.  Too easy.

> "Cut! Hot damn, that one went quite well."
> 
> Ranma looked puzzled. "But there were so many out-takes--"
> 
> "Yeah, but given the amount of clean lines we got out of it, I'm
> actually kind of impressed." Nabiki grinned. "All right. Tomorrow's
> casting call: Ranma, Akane, Dad, Ukyo, Happousai, Kasumi, Tsubasa. Be
> there, or forfeit your pay; Act Five Scene Two is the final shooting."
> She turned to the scriptwriter. "And you make damned sure you're there,
> or I'll make your life a living hell."
> 
> "I wouldn't miss it for the world."
> 
> There was something about his voice that caught her attention, and once
> again, she wondered just what he was up to.

	I have a sneaking suspicion, but it would be terribly cliche, right out 
of certain types of romantic comedies.  Then again, considering the 
circumstances....

> ---
> 
> My apologies on the long delay for this chapter.  The next (and final) scene should take a lot less time.  

	"Don't worry, it will all work out."
	"HOW?!?"
	"I don't know -- it's a mystery."