[FFML] [Naruto] One Hundred Days - Chapter Sixteen: The Hundredth Day

[Eimii]

Without further ado...

>       Naruto's eyes flicked between the two blood-and-chakra foxes

Yet another instance of 'flicked'...

> that slowly advanced on him.  The foul water beneath his feet stirred,
> disturbed by the power still emanating from the massive gates before
> Naruto.  Behind those gates, the immense bulk of the demon fox Kyuubi
> waited, its anticipation filling the still, warm air like a physical
> presence.

What sort of physical presence? I would have to think that
anticipation would have a different feel from, say, menace...

>       The fox seemed to shatter and the whirling orb of chakra hit it,
> streams of crimson flying through the air as it broke apart.  Panting,
> Naruto landed on the water, turning to face the remaining fox.
>       Then his eyes widened, as even without turning around he could
> feel the first fox reforming behind him.  His hand reached for a weapon
> that wasn't there, and an instant later the two foxes pounced on him.
> Naruto vanished in an explosion of smoke.

One has to wonder, if this is a 'dream' and Naruto forms his own
self-image in dreams- to the point that he can use his normal
techniques, why would he imagine himself unarmed? Or is this some sort
of 'other dimension' as Orochimaru termed his 'internal space'... and
if that is the case, if clothing exists here, why not weapons?

>       The foxes spun about, easily finding the real Naruto perched on
> a wall.  "Damn it," the ninja muttered, his mind racing for options.

Heh, 'real' seems like kind of a stretch, here, but i'm probably just
overthinking...

>       "They cannot be defeated," the Kyuubi commented.  "Not without
> defeating me."  The monstrous fox's mouth opened, white fangs seeming to

I'd probably write that, [The monstrous fox opened his mouth to reveal
white fangs that seemed to glow in the darkness beyond the gate.]
Possessives tend to make sentences awkward, so i try to avoid them.

> glow in the darkness that lay beyond the gate.  "And you cannot defeat
> me."

I'd also have included that "And you cannot..." line as part of the
previous utterance. You tend to break the dialogue up quite a bit in
paragraphs. This, however, is most likely just a matter of style, so
please feel free to ignore me.

>       "We'll see about that," Naruto replied, but the words felt

Hmm... 'sounded' might work here as well, but 'felt' is pretty flexible.

>       "The only way out is through," the Kyuubi stated.  The smaller
> foxes parted, leaving Naruto a clear shot to the gates.
>       "I'm not stupid," Naruto said.  "If I go in there, you'll
> destroy me."
>       "And if you don't do something," the Kyuubi replied, amused
> malice filling its voice, "your friends will die."  It turned away from

But if the Kyuubi gets out, his friends will _still_ die, so that's
kind of a hollow threat... though one i can see the standard evil
villain making ^_^...

>       Naruto glanced back at the entrance again, remembering the two-
> tailed fox that had vanished down that dark hall.  "For me, just as for
> you," the demon had said, "the only way out is through."  His eyes
> returned to the foxes prowling below, and then he moved.

That statement rings kind of odd, unless it just means 'through the
gate,' as the other fox ran off through the corridors. If it means
'Through me' with 'me' referring to the Kyuubi, then why would it need
the 'for me as well' part? If it means 'the only way out for one is
through the other'... it still makes the two-tailed fox's exit seem a
bit odd. If it means different things at different times, then...
<shrug>

Also, i suppose this isn't the only way out anymore for Kyuubi...

>       Naruto ignored the fox, instead concentrating on the burning
> chakra that surrounded him.  "You're on my side of the gate," he
> snarled.  "That means... you do what I say!"  It shouldn't be any
> different than when he controlled the red chakra in the real world.  Not
> on this side of the gate.

Hmm... i understand how there would be that sort of precondition, and
that Naruto would have some inkling of if, but i'm not really sure
about the need to include 'Not on this side of the the gate.' It
doesn't strike me as something that would come up when speaking with
Naruto's internal 'voice.'

This is _totally_ a style thing, though. Just ignore me if i don't
make any sense.

>       "Shut up," Naruto said.  "The only way out is through for you
> too; that's what you said, isn't it?"
>       "This is only a temporary reprieve, and when I am free," the
> Kyuubi promised, "you will beg for the release of death before I am
> through with you."
>       "I just have to let you take me out," Naruto finished, smiling,
> and then at his command the crimson chakra lifted him up and -

As above, i'm not sure i follow the line of reasoning here.

>       Naruto's eyes opened, barely able to see through the shroud of
> crimson chakra enshrouding him.  It burned every inch of his skin, but

Shroud - enshrouding repetition.

> Naruto forced through the pain, focusing on the figure standing before
> him.  "Sasuke," he breathed.

Wasn't Sasuke lying on his back in a pile of rubble at that point?

>       Then she realized who Naruto was growling at, and for a moment
> all thought left her.  There was Sasuke, looking almost as she had last
> seen him.  Perhaps paler, harder, but still the Sasuke she had known.
> Then she noted the musical note on his forehead protector, and her heart
> sank at the reminder.

Then - Then repetion.

>       Naruto froze, and as if to make up for the chakra around him
> thickened and stirred.  Waves of power emanated from his still form, and
> Sakura raised her arms to shield her face even as the pressure forced
> her back.  A third tail began to grow, first slowly and then rapidly,
> and and Sakura fought back the urge to scream.

Double 'and'

>       Only now did Sasuke seem to notice her, his crimson eyes
> flicking over to her.  Sakura searched his face for any sign of emotion,

Another instance of 'flicking'

> finding nothing.  "I should have expected to run into you," Sasuke said.
> Sakura searched for words, unable to find any.  After a moment, the
> Uchiha snorted, his attention returning to Naruto.  He took a step
> forward, his grip shifting on his kunai.
>       Sakura matched motion, one shaking hand going for a kunai.

[Matched the motion]?

>       "If I... if we didn't mean anything to you," Sakura said,
> "wouldn't you kill me anyway?"
>       Sasuke snorted.  "You're more valuable alive as fodder for
> Kabuto's experiments."
>       "Experi-" If Sakura's blood had been chilled before, it was
> freezing now.

If it's just a threat, then i guess it's just a threat, but if he
actually believes that she'd be useful to Kabuto, and that's why he
hasn't killed her yet... his reasoning is a bit odd O_o;. It's hard to
picture him sparing her just for Kabuto, when killing her would be a
pretty 'final' way of breaking his old ties, and his esteem of her is
so low that one has to wonder how he thinks she could be useful...

>       Sakura kept on moving, and almost managed to hit Sasuke with her
> kunai, but he batted the blow aside.  A palm-strike forced the kunoichi
> back, and Sasuke snorted.  "Clever.  Using that technique to cloak a
> replication, then hiding yourself in the replication's image."

Buh? Were there one or two replications here? Also, doesn't he
precious sharingan just sweep away all genjutsu?

>       A massive snake - larger than a grown man - appeared out of the
> cloud of white smoke and hurled itself at Sasuke.  The boy's hands moved
> through, and there was a pulse of power as the snake collided with him.

Moved through what?

>       "Have to what?" he interrupted harshly.  "Come to Orochimaru for
> power?  You think you've proved something?"  He laughed.  "The only
> reason you've even touched me is because I've fought too many battles
> against far more powerful opponents today."  He closed his eyes for just
> a moment, and when they opened the Sharingan stared out once more.  "I'm
> done playing now," he said.

Hmm... Sasuke's name was on the summoning contract as well, wasn't it?
He's been toying with her to this point. Might he not decide to show
her how inimpressed his is with her new techniques by summoning a more
powerful snake, just as he summoned his own claws of the fire dragon?

Though i suppose if he just wants to finish her off with his
'favorite' technique, he might just skip that...

>       Sakura nodded, as Sasuke wrenched his arm free and leapt back.
> "I'm fine," she said, taking a deep breath and trying to keep from
> shaking.

She's just summoned a snake larger than anything she's ever summoned
before, and she was already sort of staggering about earlier. Should
she not be pretty wasted by this point?

>       "Taijutsu too, huh?" Shikamaru asked.  "I guess you aren't any
> more willing to believe I didn't kill your sister, are you?"  Jabisen
> opened his mouth, and Shikamaru laughed harshly.  "Didn't think so."
>       Then, his entire store of explosive tags, each one hidden high
> on a tree trunk, exploded, shaking the forest.  Jabisen stumbled
> backward, mouth open in a silent scream, then collapsed.  Shikamaru
> stood, stumbling a bit before straightening.

Then was used a paragrah or so earlier to start a sentence, as well.

>       "I figured your ability had to have an exploitable weakness.
> Otherwise your clan would be more famous."  Jabisen began to try to
> crawl away, only to be snared by Shikamaru's shadow.  "Then I noticed
> that you were channeling the sound around you to make your attacks, and
> the rest was simple.  If the sound was too chaotic, too unexpected, too
> loud - like a nearby battle or some carefully timed explosions - you
> couldn't handle it and you got hurt."

If it's a bloodline, though, why didn't his sister use the same sorts
of attacks? And if the power of them is only a result of his cursed
seal, then why would they be famous (if not for the weakness)?

>       He stepped away from the corpse, staring up at the sky through
> the trees.  "I suppose I need to go see how troublesome things have
> gotten," he said, his eyes tracking a cloud's progress.  He stood still
> a moment longer, then he was jumping from branch to branch.  There
> wasn't any time to waste.

Except for the moments he wasted just now ^_^;...

>       He heard the sounds of battle before he saw it, a familiar,
> haunting melody floating avoid them.  "Tayuya, huh?" he said.  He paused
> atop a tree, eyes narrowing as he studied the sounds.  "Lee," he said.
> "Neji.  And something that isn't human.  One of her demons."  He shook
> his head.  "Troublesome."

Is it really wise to be listening so closely when it's Tayuya we're
talking about?

>       Shikamaru shook his head as Lee took on the hammer-wielding
> monster head on.  The strategy was much too obvious to succeed, and
> indeed a moment later the demon jumped away in response to a handful of
> sharp notes, just in time to block Neji's attack on its mistress.  The
> Hyuuga took a backhanded blow from the demon's hammer, but a puff of
> smoke revealed that he had used the replication technique in time to get
> away.

Shouldn't that be the 'replacement' technique?

>       - and then she tossed it away, unknowingly mirroring Shikamaru's
> actions.  "Got you," he said with a smile, even as the Sound ninja broke
> free, diving from the treetop after her instrument.

Might breaking it might not have been smarter, since both of her hands
are already on it, and that would effectively shut her down? But then,
i guess maybe he might not be confident in his ability to hold her
that long...

>       "You little vermin," Tayuya muttered weakly as Shikamaru landed
> beside the other two Leaf ninja.
>       Shikamaru ignored her for a moment, knowing that with her
> tenketsu closed she was no threat.  "What's the situation?" he asked.

Well, i suppose she's a minimal threat, at any rate. There's still
taijutsu available to her, but he has two tijutsu experts with him.
Still, it seems pretty unwise to consider her 'not a threat.' She's
one of orochimaru's elite, and who knows what kinds of dirty tricks
she has up her sleeves. It would have been pretty trivial for Neji to
knock her out - or kill her, after sealing her, unless they planned on
questioning her or something.

>       Lee suddenly cursed.  "The Sound kunoichi got away."

Good-ol', super-wholesome Lee cursed O_O;?

>       Naruto knelt, both hands pressed to the ground, and the rubble
> of his last technique shifted.  A massive, muddy barrier sprung into
> being, blocking Sasuke's charge.  With another snort, the traitor jumped
> once more, hardly slowing as he vaulted over the wall.

Would a mud barrier stop the Chidori? According to canon, Lightning
beats earth...

>       "It stopped you," Naruto said.
>       "She pulled her blow."  Sasuke snorted.  "Didn't want to kill
> me."

That's almost like admitting she could have ^_^;...

>       "If that's what it takes to accomplish my purpose," Sasuke said.
> "I've already severed my bonds with you.  With all of the Leaf Village."
> He took a deep breath, and dark, flame-like markings began to spread
> across his skin once more.  "You mean nothing to me anymore, and if you
> persist in annoying me I'll kill you both."

Wasn't he already going to kill them both?

>       "Got you," Naruto growled, for just an instant his eyes flashing
> red.
>       Sasuke snorted, for the moment not resisting.  His eyes barely
> moved as Sakura joined the two.  "Is that really all you've improved,
> dead last?" he asked.  The cursed seal's taint writhed over his skin.
> "I guess that thing inside of you is your only real strength."

Says the guy leaning constantly on his cursed seal...

>       Sasuke parried the punch with a perfect block.  "Leaf Shadow
> Dance," he observed, then blocked another attack.  "Trying to use my own
> technique against me?  Foolish."  He caught Sakura's next blow, and

It's not his, though, it's Gai's ^_^;... Man, he's getting a big head, lately...

Not much to say about the rest of the fight scene. It was well done
(as far as i could see), and unexpected at parts, though i still
wonder why Sakura isn't more tired. Did she have a soldier pill at
some point?


> ***********************************************************************
>
>       Inuzuka Kiba breathed heavily as he leaned against a tree trunk.
> It was barely high enough to hide him, the top half of the tree lying on
> the ground a dozen yards away, sheared off be some technique.  Akamaru
> laid down by his feet, panting weakly, and Kiba grimaced as his eyes
> unthinkingly traced the numerous wounds that marred his partner's small
> form.

Hmm... don't think you need 'unthinkingly' here. Just a suggestion.

>       All around the trio of genin was war, and it was like nothing
> they had seen before.  They had fought before, and they had killed
> before.  They had participated in the still-bloody, still-deadly
> replacement for war that was the Chuunin Exams.  But never before had
> they seen hundreds - thousands - of ninja, from lowly genin to the
> mightiest jounin, unleashing their most powerful techniques with deadly
> intent.

Well, Shino has; he was awake for the one-day war between the Leaf and
the Sound.

>       There was silence for a long moment, before one Mist step

stepped

>       He charged the Mist squad, flames spewing from his mouths,
> ignoring the bolts of cold water that splashed off of his thick hide.
> Then one of the enemy drew a long, curved sword, and the temperature
> seemed to drop.  "Fuuton: Freezing Blade Technique," the ninja intoned,
> and with two swipes of his weapon, unnaturally chilled blasts of wind
> pushed Kiba pack.  One of his paws struck a puddle, and suddenly it
> became an icy snare.  Then he ran out of chakra, and his transformation
> was broken.

The 'then's become more prevalent in fight scenes, i find... And so
the waterfall ninja return. At first, it wasn't clear where Kiba et.
all stood on the field, though it appears that they were at a fairly
advanced position, as no other leaf were nearby. Large battles are so
hard to picture sometimes, and this is aggravated when there aren't
well-defined lines of contest -_-;...

>       "Die," Tsunade echoed weakly, pained eyes staring into the
> vacant expression of her dead lover.  Wordlessly, Dan twisted the blade
> that pinned the Hokage to a tree trunk, unaffected by the gasp of pain
> she uttered.  Nawaki's small form approached, then without hesitation he
> punched his sister.

It's been a little while since the words Tsunade is echoing. It might
not hurt to copy and paste them here, though one wonders why she would
bother to repeat him in such a fashion...

>       "And yet you leave me in this position long enough to have this
> pleasant char?" Tsunade asked.

chat

>       "Wood element ninjutsu," Orochimaru growled, surprise and anger
> warring in his voice.  "How?" he snapped, as Tsunade casually pulled
> Kusanagi out of her shoulder, the wound closing behind the legendary
> blade.

When did she activate her regeneration technique?

>       "It isn't possible!" Orochimaru shouted.  "I tested you; I
> tested your brother; I tested your father; I tested every blood relative
> of yours in the village!  I dug up and sampled every corpse in your
> family's graveyard!  None of you shared the First's unique abilities!
> None of you!"

Busy little grave robber, in'nt 'e?

>       "We didn't," Tsunade agreed, "though perhaps if my father had
> been born later in Grandfather's life it would have become a Bloodline
> Technique."
>       "The abilities must have been acquired after your father's
> birth, then," Orochimaru murmured.  "Then, you..."

Interesting... so by this, i take it you're postulating that bloodline
techniques become that way through use, somehow. I've sort of operated
under the assumption that they're the result of some form of
deliberate meddling or breeding.

>       "Fascinating," Orochimaru breathed.  "More of a reincarnation
> technique then a resurrection technique.  You use wood element
> ninjutsu's ability to create life to remove the need for a sacrifice,
> binding their spirits to the new trees.  No doubt originally designed to
> put ghosts and other disturbed spirits to rest.  I've never seen
> anything quite like it."

One wonders if it would work on demons...

>       "Sasuke-kun?" Sakura asked as the growing power suddenly
> vanished.  Almost stumbling forward as the sudden loss of the pressure
> forcing her back, she lowered the arms that had shielded her face.
>       Yakushi Kabuto knelt beside Sasuke, two fingers prodding a
> certain spot on the young boy's shoulder.  The medical ninja's other arm
> hung limp and useless at his side, but he seemed unconcerned as he
> looked at Naruto and Sakura.
>       Sasuke grunted painfully, the cursed seal's marks rapidly
> retreating across his skin.  As they vanished, he almost screamed, and
> then he seemed to almost faint, his eyes fading to black.  "Wh-"

Several uses of 'almost' in close proximity.

>       "Do you surrender?" Shizune asked.
>       "Hardly," Kabuto said.  "You haven't won anything.  With the
> havoc we've caused, every Sound ninja in this part of the country will
> be coming.  We're overstretched, but unluckily for you we've been
> preparing an attack to end the Fuuma Clan's little rebellion.  There
> will be reinforcements arriving here shortly, enough to make short work
> of you.  Even if you flee now, you can't hope to escape this country
> alive."

Though then fact that they started pulling back would allow the fuuma
clan to take pot-shots at their retreating back...

>       Shizune relaxed, and suddenly seemed much more tired, barely
> able to stand.  "He's strong," she said.  "I take it you received
> Jiraiya-sama's message?"
>       Hojo nodded.  "You're very lucky I was able to convince the
> village council it was more in the village's interest that Orochimaru
> was a greater threat than what's left of the Leaf's power."

'it was more in the village's interest' looks like a rememnant of a
previous, partially discarded version of the sentence. it doesn't fit
in.

>       There was a moment of silence as Naruto blinked several times.
> "I... I have no idea," he said quietly.  "I never thought about it
> before."
>       Silence fell again, only broken when Hojo began to laugh.
> "Jiraiya, you clever bastard."

And so ends the last chapter. Not really a whole lot to say about the
final confrontations; you still do fight scenes well, though the
arrival of reinforcements was a little convenient. This also leaves
Orochimaru in a pretty poor position, if the Rock ninja catch the
approaching Sound with the Fuuma clan at their backs.

I suppose i should say that this feels... unfinished. Things did come
to a head, but it wasn't really a very strong climax to the story. It
also went a little flat with regard to Sakura's relationships to the
people that made her who she is by the end (Anko, her mother, Ren,
Midori). I suppose that should be expected, to an extent, as things
really _aren't_ finished, but still... not your best chapter, but i
still enjoyed it ^_^;...

I'm sorry i couldn't have been a bit more brutal and nitpicky in this
final part. I understand you were worried about this bit, and i do
strive toward a 'robust' form of C&C, where then victim feels like
he's being torn limb from limb by rabid dobermans wearing monocles and
bowler hats, but i'm sadly lacking when it comes to critiquing the
quality of a plot. (The logical inconsistencies of a plot, on the
other hand, i am very comfortable with dismembering...)

That said, hopefully you got something useful from my inane ramblings,
this time around. Now, on to the Epilogue!

~Eimii