[FFML] [Naruto] One Hundred Days - Chapter Sixteen: The Hundredth Day

[Eimii]

And so the 'fun' continues! You've made me anxious now, with the
comments about getting closer to the 'really' uncertain parts ^_^;...

>       There was laughter ringing in Naruto's ears as he awoke.  "Not
> here again," the young ninja grumbled as he stood up, ignoring the warm,
> murky water he had been lying in.  His eyes traveled to the moldy, dark
> walls, wondering not for the first time where the dim, too-warm sunlight
> that poorly lit these halls filtered in from.

Hmm... i know i'm a serial offender in this area, but i'm wondering if
there are maybe _too_ many descriptive words in that sentence? It
feels a little clunky to me.

He knew better than to
> expect that he would find that source though, if it even existed.

Why would he be looking, though?

>       Before too long, Naruto once more stood before the massive gate
> that constrained the demon fox.  Within moments, the demon's massive
> face was pressed against the bars, giant, crimson eyes staring down at

Two instances of 'massive' in close proximity.

> the tiny ninja who contained their owner.  "Brat," the Kyuubi rumbled.

Hmm... i'm not sure if 'their power' works here; maybe 'his power' or
'its power' as you're referring to the demon itself, and not just his
eyes... i think?

> There was a hiss as a drop of spittle fell from the demon's fanged maw,
> a cloud of steam erupting where it hit the foul water.
>       "What do you want?" Naruto demanded, struggling not to show the
> primal terror growing inside him.  The demon's presence filled this
> place, an aura of malice and hatred that dwarfed even the foulest, most
> terrible power Naruto had felt from a human being.  Even the twisted
> chakra drawn out by Orochimaru's cursed seals felt less evil.

I wonder how 'evil' the tailed demons really are; i think it was
stated once that they don't even have an ego until they possess a host
(though the ego that emerges at that point does indeed seem to be
pretty evil in most observed cases). I suppose 'inhumanity' might be
considered evil by humans, however, the stated rules in canon probably
have several wild inconsistencies as well -_-;...

>       The Kyuubi's breath was heavy, the foul stench making Naruto
> wince.  "What do you want?" it echoed.
>       "I want you to shut up, let me out of here, and never bother me
> again!" Naruto shouted at the giant fox.
>       The demon laughed loudly, and the force of its laughter forced
> the much smaller ninja back.  "You cannot lie to me, brat.  I can smell

Use of 'force' twice in a row here. Maybe use 'drove' for the second one?

> your feelings.  You are worried and not for yourself."  Its eyes began
> to glow.  "Fool."

Perhaps "...worried - and not for yourself."?


>       Naruto took a step forward.  "What of it?  My friends are in
> danger!  Of course I'm worried!"

Would Naruto really say 'what of it?' That expression always struck me
as native to more 'cultured,' or at least more archaic forms of
speech.

>       "Friends?"  The Kyuubi's face pressed closer against the bars.
> "Do you wish to save them?"

What the word 'friends' supposed to be inflected somehow, for it to be
separated from the rest of the utterance in that sentence?

>       "Of course," Naruto repeated, but his voice was hesitant.  What
> was the demon up to?
>       "Then merely step inside," the fox stated, drawing back from the
> gate slightly.  "Else, your body will merely lie sleeping while your
> soul remains here."
>       "The only way out is through, again?" Naruto asked.  "Enough.
> I'm not going in there."

If he is quoting the Kyuubi, should 'The only way out is through,' be in quotes?

>       "Only my power can burn the poison from your veins, brat," the
> Kyuubi said.  "Only I can grant you the strength to defeat all your
> foes.  Come inside or tear down this seal, and all this will be yours."
> The wave of sudden power knocked Naruto down, the immaterial pressure

Maybe 'sudden wave' instead of 'sudden power'? The word 'wave' carries
more immediacy and visceral effect than the word 'power.'

> stronger than any physical blow.  Behind the bars of the gate, an
> infinity of crimson, demonic chakra burned, and for just an instant
> Naruto could see the demon in its entirety.

Hmm... i'm not sure its been stated to this point that the only thing
Naruto could see of it before now was its face.

>       After a moment, the young ninja managed to rise.  "No.  I'm not
> going in, and you aren't coming out."
>       The Kyuubi snorted, and the fragile-seeming slip of paper with
> 'seal' written on it that sat high on the gate began to smolder.  "You

There's a bit too much separation between 'slip of paper' and 'began
to smolder' i think. I might've rewritten that sentence, [The Kyuubi
snorted, and high on the gate, the fragile-seeming slip of paper with
the word 'seal' on it began to smolder.] I'm not really sure about
comma placement there, as they're not in precisely the right places
mechanically, but they're where i would pause if i were reading aloud,
and that is somewhat subjective. (Really, that first comma should be
after the 'and,' not before.)

> believe your will matters in this, brat?  Not in the slightest; not
> anymore."
>       Naruto stumbled back as the water before him began to boil,
> crimson chakra seeping out from behind the gate.  "What?"
>       "Did you think there were no consequences when you called upon
> my power in the past, brat?" the Kyuubi snarled.  A drop of blood fell

Well, he never really thought about it much in the beginning... and
there _were_ immediate consequences, sometimes, but those aren't what
he's referring to. I'd probably use, "Did you think there would be no
consequences from when..."

> from its lips, landing with a giant splash on Naruto's side of the gate.
> The blood began to swirl in the boiling water, fusing with the glowing
> chakra that still poured out from the gate.  "Every time you brought my
> chakra through, you let a piece of me out as well, brat.  Every time,
> this accursed seal your so-called Fourth Hokage gave his life to create
> weakened."

This seal is starting to have a not-so-good track record, isn't it? It
didn't stop Orochimaru from using his arms for very long, either.

>       "If you don't need me," Naruto asked, "why try to get me to come
> through?"
>       "Your cooperation would hasten my release," the demon said, "but
> it is not necessary for it."  The swirling mixture of blood and chakra
> began to rise up out of the dark water, forming itself into monstrous,
> twin-tailed fox that stood almost half again Naruto's size.  Then a
> second, then a third monster began to form behind the first, though
> these boasted only one tail.
>       Naruto swallowed, then his hands blurred.

Many uses of 'then' here.

  Before he could
> finish forming seals, one of the one-tailed foxes swiped at the air with
> one paw.  Its leg lengthened, stretching unnaturally and twisting around
> to slam Naruto back into the far wall.  Even as the ninja struggled to
> rise, the blood-and-chakra foxes advanced.

So do they appear to be made of blood, or what? (Also, you use 'blood
and chakra' again, just above, though without the hyphenation).

>       The Kyuubi laughed loudly, and the two-tailed fox leapt into the
> air, passing over Naruto's head and racing into the dark corridors
> behind him.  "What?" the ninja asked, as he slowly sat up.
>       "For me, just as for you," the demon answered, "the only way out
> is through."  Its amusement filled the air.  "I will teach you a lesson,
> brat, while these two of my children keep you busy."  The remaining
> monsters began to slowly move on Naruto.

Maybe 'advance on'?

>       "A lesson in what?"
>       "Of the gifts I will grant when you obey me," the Kyuubi said,
> "and of the punishments I will exact when you defy me."  It grinned
> widely, its teeth seeming to glow in the dim light.  "All your enemies
> shall perish," it promised, "but so shall your friends."
>       Naruto stood, pale blue chakra flickering around him as he faced
> down the two remaining monstrous foxes.  "No," he said firmly.  "That's
> not going to happen."
>

Hmm... just a general note on this section: it does advance things
quickly, which is good for a naruto section, but the lack of
occasional descriptions of naruto's expressions, body language and
tone sort of make it hard to gauge his reactions in this exchange.

> ***********************************************************************
>
>       "What the hell are you planning?" Tsunade asked, taking an
> involuntary step back at the dark nature of the chakra Orochimaru was
> channeling.  If there had been any doubt in her mind that the foulness
> released by the cursed seals was connected to her former teammate, it
> would have vanished.  The mere aura of Orochimaru's power made the
> Hokage sick to her stomach.

Though i understand that you're trying to show that Tsunade was
already academically certain of the connection, the 'had been - would
have' structure slows this sentence down a bit.

>       "You need to ask, Tsunade-hime?"  Orochimaru grinned, pausing
> briefly in his forming of seals.  "I'm going to kill you."
>       "You're going to try," the female Sannin corrected grimly.  She
> frowned.  "This is no ordinary technique."

Indeed not - thought is there even such a thing as an 'ordinary'
technque? Also, why did she not capitalize upon his pause to stop him?

>       "No," Orochimaru agreed.  "It's the same technique I used to
> kill Sarutobi-sensei."  He smiled again.  "It seems appropriate."

That's technically a lie; Sarutobi killed himself to stop the
technique, but the technique did not actually kill him.

>       "You think I'm just going to let you finish it?" Tsunade asked,
> and then she was in the air behind Orochimaru, her foot spinning toward
> the side of his head.  His body wavered, then erupted into a storm of
> serpentine forms.  Several snakes perished from the force of Tsunade's
> kick, but the rest slithered away to reform once more into Orochimaru's
> form.
>       "Let me finish?" Orochimaru said.  "I don't need your
> permission."  His hands settled into a single seal.  "Summoning:
> Resurrection to the Impure World."

Is there ever an instance where 'two' seals are formed at once, one
with either hand? If not, 'final seal' might work better, as it is not
the only seal that he used for the technique, just the last.

>       Tsunade's eyes widened, and she backed away as two glowing
> purple holes opened in the ground between her and Orochimaru.  "This,"
> she breathed.

I'm not sure if i'm remembering this right, but i think in the
original, the coffins burst from the surface Orichimaru was standing
on.

>       "Yes," Orochimaru said.  "I see you've at least heard of this
> technique."
>       "You're a monster," Tsunade said.  Orochimaru just let out a
> wordless cry, power flowing from him as two wooden coffins slowly rose
> up out of the holes.  The Hokage grimaced, then charged her former
> teammate.
>       "It's not going to be that easy," the renegade Sannin stated,
> dancing out of the way of Tsunade's first blow.  The coffins stopped
> rising, but the snake master seemed unconcerned, rapidly forming a short
> set of seals.  "Summoning Technique."

A you noted before, here is another in a long line of instances where
you use some variation of it not being 'easy.' Also, one wonders if
its possible for most ninja to pause in the middle of a half-finished
technique and perform another. I realize that this is Orochimaru, and
not most ninja, but it's still a pretty complicated technique, and
drama usually demands that these things be completed all the way
through in one go...


>       The massive snake that appeared plunged at Tsunade, forcing the

'Plunge' is not a verb performed voluntarily, most of the time.
'Lunge' might work better.

> kunoichi to jump away.  Three seconds later, a storm of fire had
> consumed the summoned beast, but that was long enough for the coffins to
> have finished emerging.  Tsunade turned grimly to them, then froze, a

She was grim earlier, as well.

> look of horror appearing on her face as the lids fell off, revealing the
> bodies within.
>       "I promised you I would bring them back," Orochimaru said
> cheerfully as his former teammate's legs wobbled, the kunoichi almost
> falling to her knees.  He smiled.  "You're welcome."

She's been referred to as 'the kunoichi' twice in pretty close proximity.

>       "Nawaki," Tsunade said painfully as she looked at the young boy
> who was stumbling out of one coffin.  Then her eyes turned to the older
> man emerging from the second.  "Dan," she added, her voice breaking.

You know, if Orochimaru were a pragmatic man and - you know - not a
supervillain, he probably would have taken this unguarded moment to
stab her in the back, rather than just basking in her agony. I wonder
if pragmatism is considered a character flaw in the Naruto universe...

>       The silver-haired man, clad in an archaic Leaf uniform, glanced
> first at Tsunade's young brother, then at the man who stood behind him.

I wonder how far back you have to go for things to be considered
'archaic.' Dan couldn't have died more than 30~40 years previous...

>       Nawaki blinked, turning backward.  "Orochimaru-kun?" he asked.

Hmm... the coffins should still be at their backs, yes?

>       "If there is any justice in this universe, Orochimaru," Dan
> said, "I will be able to travel to whatever hell your foul spirit is
> destined for so that I may enjoy your suffering when you perish."

This sort of begs the question, 'What was he doing up to this point,
since he died?' Would these summoned zombies even recall any sort of
afterlife?

Though even if they don't, i suppose Dan might still wish for the
pleasure of watching Orochimaru suffer.

>       "You," Tsunade growled, but despite her anger her voice wavered
> as her eyes flicked between her brother and her lover.
>       "Prepare to die, Tsunade-hime," Orochimaru said, and as though
> that were a command the two dead ninja charged the Hokage.

Though i'm not sure if its excessive, you use 'two dead ninja' more
than once in the last few paragraphs.

>       Reflexively, Tsunade weaved around their blows.  She
> unthinkingly blocked a weak punch from Nawaki, then counterattacked.
> The young genin almost exploded from the force of the punch, ash and

Maybe 'her punch'?

>       "Raiton: Lighting Palm."  Dan's cold words made Tsunade's eyes
> widen, but her moment of distraction kept her from dodging.  Electricity
> crackling around it, Dan's open hand lightly struck Tsunade's stomach.
>       The kunoichi stumbled backward as there was a crack like
> thunder, almost losing her footing.  Dan moved into a low, sweeping
> kick, but Tsunade just barely managed to recover quickly enough to dart
> out of the way.  "Dan," she said, her voice breaking once more.
>       "Katon:  Fire Dragon Blast!"  One of the man's hands went to his
> mouth, guiding a jet of white-hot flame at Tsunade.  The Hokage raised
> her hands to shield her face as the fires pushed her back against a
> tree.

So is Tsunade more durable than normal people, as well, that she can
be struck by lightning and bathed in flame without visible injury?
Just a small point, but i wonder about these things ^_^;. Normally,
unless they have some sort of defense that blunts the attack, ninja
usually evade these sorts of attacks.

> Nawaki's body.  Orochimaru grinned.  "Since they're already dead," he
> said mockingly, "they can't die in battle either, Tsunade-hime."

It seems... odd to me, to split the utterance that way, but that might
just be personal preference.

>       Tsunade stomped at the ground, her strength making the earth
> crack open.  Dan jumped backward, out of the way of the suddenly opening
> chasm.  "You'll... you'll pay for this, Orochimaru," Tsunade said.  "I
> swear it."

Zettai yurusanai! I was waiting for a line like that to show up ^_^;...


>       "Dan-kun was a swordsman, wasn't he?" Orochimaru asked as his
> two summoned ninja charged Tsunade once more.  He smiled, and then his
> mouth gaped open, a snake's head emerging from it.  The renegade Sannin
> reached up, pulling a straight sword from the snake's mouth.
>       Even as he did this, the two dead ninja charged Tsunade once
> more.  She avoided their blows, but didn't strike back, instead leaping

You use 'two summoned/dead ninja charged Tsunade once more' twice, here...

>       Wordlessly and without pausing, Dan reached up and snagged the
> hilt in midair.  Then he did hesitate, but only for a moment before
> jumping into the air above Tsunade.  "Dance of the Crescent Moon," he
> intoned, his form blurring as flickering, illusory copies emerged from
> it.

'emerging'

>       Tsunade blocked the wrong strike, and all the images save the
> real one vanished as Dan thrust Kusanagi through his lover's shoulder
> and into a tree, pinning the woman.  His hand tightened on the hilt.

It seems like for a ninja as skilled as her, there should have been
more options open than a simple block (and what did she try to block
with, anyhow?)

> "Raiton: Sword of Thunder," he stated, and Tsunade screamed as
> electricity exploded along the blade.
>       Orochimaru smiled widely.  "And now, Tsunade-hime, just as I
> promised... you will die."

Aaaaah! The Emperor! Does that mean Dan is really her father O_O;? Eeeeew...

I understand that Tsunade would probably be weak against this sort of
situation, especially considering that Dan's death was probably the
source of he blood phobia, but wow... this was a pretty bad showing
for her -_-;...

>
> ***********************************************************************
>
>       Uchiha Sasuke's eyes narrowed as Tayuya's demon drove Lee and

Maybe just use 'the demon,' and use 'Tayuya' instead of 'the girl'
below, to speed up the flow of the sentences?


> Neji away.  "I didn't ask for your help," he said coldly to the almost
> as demonic-looking kunoichi who stood atop the tree next to him.
>       "Sorry, Sasuke-sama," the girl spat unrepentantly, then she
> played a high note on her flute.  The inhuman demon below vanished, and
> Tayuya vanished a moment later.
>       Sasuke's eyes swept the battlefield.  The only person remaining
> was one ninja trapped in Kidoumaru's webs.  Sasuke grunted to himself.
> No point in staying here, if that was the case.  His body tensed, and
> then he vanished in a sudden whirlwind of leaves.
>       He reappeared once more atop a tree next to his nominal
> teammate.

I always wonder if this is some sort of long distance teleportation
thing, or if they're just moving fast, after creating a distraction or
perhaps using a kawarimi of some sort. If it is long distance
teleportation, then the Fourth's main trick seems much less 'special.'
If its not a teleportation, then from Sasuke's POV, would he be
'vanishing?'


Tayuya didn't even glance at him, playing a rapid sequence of
> notes on her flute, directing the demon below.  Sasuke glanced at the
> battle, and it took him less than an instant to notice that something
> was wrong.  Hyuuga Neji wasn't using his clan's famed Gentle Fist,
> instead using his comparatively clumsy abilities at more standard
> taijutsu.  Why?

Just one demon this time? Tayuya can easily control three, and one
would think that would be more effective if she's got two opponents.
The absence of the chakra-eating worm things is also puzzling.

>       A moment's further thought, and Sasuke determined the answer.
> The Hyuuga's opponent wasn't human.  What need had a demon for tenketsu
> or even internal organs?  The monster was made of chakra, not flesh,
> summoned from whatever foul realm it inhabited and given physical form
> by Tayuya's chakra.  Any organs it had were merely... ornamental.

Still, if it's an ordered structure composed of chakra, by Neji's own
reasoning, he should be able to break it down with the juuken.

> Damaging them would be pointless.  The only way to defeat the monster
> was to damage the body enough that it couldn't hold together, and that
> took strength, not precision.

Unless, perhaps, one can see exactly how it's held together...

>       Not that the pair of Leaf ninja were having much success with
> that, though.  The demon was large and powerful, and even without its
> weapon it had an enormous advantage in reach.  With the warhammer and
> the flames each strike with it produced, coming to blows with the
> monster was a tough struggle all by itself.  Neji could only serve as a
> distraction, and Lee was already tired from his... exertions against
> Sasuke himself.

Not even going to call it a fight then, even though Lee was starting
to get him on the ropes a little bit? Arrogant little prick, ain't
he...

>       So, what would the two do?  Sasuke smirked, and he wasn't
> surprised when the demon's hammer struck Neji, nor when the Hyuuga
> dissolved into wisps of gray smoke.  Instead he was moving, catching the
> real Neji's arm as he struck for Tayuya's heart.
>       "You," the Hyuuga snarled.
>       The Sound kunoichi echoed the Leaf ninja a moment later, but it
> was surprise instead of anger in her voice.  "Wh -"

I notice that you don't include the echoed word 'you' in her
utterance. I'm not entirely certain whether or not its necessary,
though i'm a little more inclined to think it is, in this case...

>       A few moments later the two boys were on the ground, out of
> sight of Tayuya and Lee's battle.  "You can't take my techniques," Neji
> said flatly.

Of course he can! He's an Uchiha - pre-existing canon statements to
the contrary are no bar to the unlimited power of the Sharingan!


>       "I know," Sasuke agreed.  "But I can test myself against you."
>       "You've changed," Neji said, the veins around his eyes bulging.
> "And not for the better."
>       Then Sasuke was behind the other boy, a kunai pointed at his
> neck.  "Who are you," he said, "to determine that?"
>       Neji's eyes didn't move, but Sasuke could tell the other boy
> still looked at him.  "A man," he said, "with the eyes to see."  Then
> Sasuke was flying away.

You seem to really favor breaking utterances in half with 'he said,'
or somesuch, in the latter half of this chapter - enough that its
noticible by its frequency. Also, so very many uses of 'said' here...

>       A much more massive firestorm emerged from Sasuke's mouth,

Hmm... a firestorm is not precisely the same thing as a fireball in
terms of how you picture it, so it's sort of like comparing apples and
oranges, thus making the use of 'much more' a little problematic
here...

> obliterating Neji's attack.  "You seek to use that sort of technique...
> on me?"  The Uchiha snorted.  "Don't waste both our time."
>       Then he was dodging Neji's flying kick from behind.  A kunai

You've started using 'then' to begin paragraphs again, just above here
as well (though i ignored that one, as it didn't strike me so much)...

> flew from his hands to pierce the heart of the first Neji, who vanished
> in a puff of smoke.  "Shadow Replication," Sasuke said as he regained
> his feet.  "You're not bad; it took me almost two seconds to know you
> were using that technique."  An open fist strike disrupted the second

Hmm... i don't think its possible to make an 'open fist.' And 'open
handed' or 'open palm,' maybe...

> Neji.  "I know where you are," Sasuke said.  "Come out, or I'll make you
> come out."
>       After a moment, the real Neji melted out of the earth, settling
> into a Gentle Fist stance after emerging.  "Let's do this, then."
>       "Let's," Sasuke agreed, and the two boys came together in a blur
> of motion, exchanging a rapid series of blows.

One would think that this could go very poorly for Sasuke; closing
tenketsu may require precision strikes, but the more common form of
the juuken seems to be more forgiving. If Neji just wants to cause
horrible organ damage, Sasuke's defenses had better be totally
air-tight, or he's going to be hurting.

>       Then the earth rumbled, and they broke apart.  "What -" Neji
> began.
>       "This power," Sasuke muttered, and then he smiled.  Dark lines
> moved across his skin, and foul chakra seeped from him.  "Go," he told
> Neji.  "Run.  Or die.  I care not.  I've more pressing matters than
> playing with you."
>       The Hyuuga took an almost involuntary step back, and then Sasuke
> was gone, heading for one of the secret entrances to the Sound's
> underground base.

Two sentences in this set that transition midway through with 'and then.'

>
> ***********************************************************************
>
>       "We're here," Midori said, stopping in front of a wooden door.
> She opened it, and Ren roughly shoved Sakura through it.  Before the
> pink-haired girl can even think of attempting escape, Ren's kunai was
> back at her throat.

'could even'... and if she was just going to grab her again, why did
Ren shove Sakura? That seems like an especially sloppy thing to do,
unless Ren shoved without ever letting go, and if that were the case,
would the kunai have left her throat at all? The fact that Sakura
could be denied the opportunity to think of escape indicates that she
was indeed released for a moment.

Also, i would have just used 'escaping' rather than 'attempting
escape,' but that's just personal preference.

>       "Ren!" Aoki Saburo yelled from one of the cells lining the
> narrow hallway Sakura found herself in.  When the third girl stepped
> through, the Mist prisoner's eyes widened.  "Midori?  What's going on?
> Is that -"
>       "Shut up!" Midori growled as she stepped past Ren and Sakura.
> "See, Ren, there he is."  She pulled out a ring of keys and unlocked an
> empty cell.  "We'll stick her across from the other one."

Where'd she get those? I thought Jabisen was the current warden of the
prison, and surely not _everyone_ has keys to the cells? Also, it
would be kind of silly to keep a set of them anywhere near the cells,
less someone figure out a way to grab them...

>       Sakura finally noticed Anko's still form lying on the floor of
> another cell.  "Mitarashi-sensei?" she let out, letting out a sigh of
> relief as s he saw that the other woman was still breathing.

Extra space in 'she.'

>       "You be quiet," Ren said, forcing her to take a step forward,
> toward Midori.  "Let Saburo out first."
>       Midori hesitated, then said, "No.  We lock the bitch up first."
>       "What the hell is going on?" Saburo demanded.
>       "I'm trading her for you," Ren said, forcing Sakura even closer
> to the open cell.
>       Midori stepped aside.  "Go ahead," she said.

Another plethora of 'said' here, though that's just a pet peeve of
mine. I hardly ever use that word -_-;...

>       Ren nodded.  "Don't be stupid," she told Sakura softly, then she
> shoved her prisoner into the cell.

What, with no precautions at all to keep her from immediately
attacking them? This setup is pretty sloppy on Sakura's 'captors' part
- sloppy enough that Midori should realize it's a trick, or at least
suggest ways to make it better (such as by rendering Sakura helpless
in some fashion).

>       Sakura faked a stumble, then changed directions in an instant,
> pouncing on Midori.  The Sound kunoichi's eyes widened as the other girl
> tackled her, the cell keys flying from her hands.  "Bitch," she snarled
> as she kicked Sakura away, flipping back to her feet.

You walked right into that one, silly girl ^_^;...

>       The Leaf ninja grunted as her back hit the door of an empty
> cell, but she recovered before Midori could attack, regaining her
> footing.  As Midori charged her, her hands formed a rapid sequence of
> seals.  "Katon: Fireball Technique!"

Hmm... was Midori always so 'charge directly at them' with her
attacks? As a genjutsu/doujutsu user, she should have better ways of
subduing a prisoner...

>       Midori crossed her arms, shielding her face from the worst of
> the blast as she stumbled backward.  "Ren!" she shouted.
>       The Mist kunoichi smiled, opening her hand to reveal the ring of
> keys Midori had dropped.  Wordlessly, she threw them as straight and
> true as any kunai, through the bars of Saburo's cell.  Grinning, the boy
> began to work his way through the keys, searching for the one that would
> free him.

Is Saburo not chained to the back wall? Cage-style cells with
mechanical locks that can be reached from the inside always strikes me
as a poor way to keep ninja captive...

>       "You bitch," Midori growled as she backed away down the narrow

She likes that word, doesn't she? 'Traitor' might be fun and ironic here, too...

> hallway, eyes flicking between her two opponents.  "Is this what your

Also, i bring this up now, but its been happening throughout the
chapter. You like to use the word 'flicking' an awful lot.

> friendship is worth, Ren?"  The dark, curving lines of her cursed seal
> exploded from her hand, racing up her arm.
>       "You're the one who chose to be my enemy instead of my friend,"
> Ren said flatly.  She glanced at Sakura.  The pink-haired girl nodded,
> and as one the two charged Midori, talons of flame sprouting from their
> hands.

If this wasn't planned out in advance, then Sakura and Ren seem to
communicate pretty well for their limited association.

>       "Idiots," Midori snapped, forming seals and channeling enough
> chakra that a physical pressure could be felt.  She shoved out her arms,
> shouting, "Suiton: Crashing Wave Barrier!"  A massive wall of water
> appeared between her and her foes, pouring out of her hands and sweeping
> the other kunoichi away, their flames vanishing into wisps of steam.
>       When the wave was finally finished and Sakura and Ren were able
> to regain their feet, the hallway was covered in ankle-deep water.  "You
> don't have the chakra to create so much -" Ren began.

Sort of a silly thing to say, given that she's demonstrated that she does...

>       Midori interrupted her with laughter, the dark arcs of the
> cursed seal peeking out of the collar of her shirt and creeping up her
> neck.  "Idiots," she repeated.  Her hands formed more seals.  "Water
> Replication Technique."
>       Sakura formed seals of her own, breathing, "Mist Concealment
> Technique."  With so much moisture around, within a second thick coils

Not a big thing, but the 'with' 'within' repetition is slightly noticible.


> of mist sprung into being.  Sakura reached out, grabbing Ren's shoulder
> moments before the rapidly thickening mist hid them from view.
>       "What's that supposed to accomplish?" Midori asked, and almost
> casually she formed seals, seizing control of Sakura's mist and
> dispersing it.  When it vanished, two clones were staring directly into

Hmm... i would have worded that [Midori asked, almost casually forming
seals to seize control of Sakura's mist and disperse it.]

> Ren and Sakura's eyes and, grinning, they formed a seal and stated in
> unison, "Haruno Ninpou: Gaze of Torment."

I would end the sentence at 'grinning' i think, and start a new one
for the rest.

>       Everything was still for just and instant, and then Ren and
> Sakura vanished.  Most of the Midori dissolved into water, leaving only
> one, who doubled over in pain as the cursed seal expanded even further
> along her skin.

That was a pretty obvious point to switch places with replicas; i'm
surprised she wasn't expecting it... and how did Midori know exactly
where to stand and look?

>       Ren appeared behind her, roughly grabbing her and placing a
> kunai at her throat.  "I see you still suffer backlash when you miss
> with that technique," she said.  "It's over."  Sakura dropped down from
> the ceiling in front of Midori, but she stumbled as she landed.

Backlash, eh? Iiiiinteresting...

>       "You okay?" Ren asked.
>       "I'm fine," Sakura said.  "Just... a little drained.  I usually
> don't transform my Perfect Replications like that."

Transform? I'm not sure i'm understanding what happened here...

>       Midori snorted.  "You think I'm just going to stand here?"
> Foul, corrupt chakra burst out of her, and there was a blur of movement
> Sakura couldn't follow, and then Ren was on the ground, a bloody gash
> torn across her stomach with her own kunai.
>       "Idiot," Midori said yet again, the cursed seal's markings now
> crawling over her face.  She tossed Ren's bloody weapon aside as she
> stepped forward, her eyes seeking out Sakura.

Midori isn't very creative with her insults, is she? ^_^;...

>       "Sorry," Saburo's voice came, and then he was behind Midori,
> pulling her into a tight bear hug.  "Suicide Water Replication
> Technique."  Saburo exploded into a torrent of water, the blast sending
> Midori flying at Sakura.

So he wasn't chained to the wall, and he wasn't blocked from
performing techniques in any way? Also, i think you could probably
safely omit 'the blast'...

>       The Leaf kunoichi was ready for her, flames sprouting from one
> hand once more.  "Katon: Claw of the Fire Dragon!" she shouted, the

Maybe 'her hand' to avoid the 'one' 'once' thing?

> fiery talons meeting Midori in midair.
>       Screaming, she forced her way through the fire, and Sakura

Might want to replace the first 'she' in this paragraph with Midori's
name or something that references her more specifically...

> raised her other one arm to ward off a punch as the other girl landed.

Hasn't the Claw of the Fire Dragon been demonstrated carving up chunks
of wood? It sort of stretches plausibility that Midori would be able
to force her way through it with just some burns, unless Sakura's
version (and by extension, Ren's, as Sakura can parry her) is far, far
weaker than Anko's...

> She tried to bring her fire claws back to strike Midori, but the dark-
> haired girl somehow grabbed her wrist, forcing that arm away.
>       "It's not going to be that easy," Midori growled, sweeping

Nope, nothing is easy today, though i guess she felt the need to
emphasize that again ^_^;...

> Sakura's legs out from under her with a sudden kick.  Then Saburo was
> upon her with a flurry of blows.  Midori laughed, dancing and weaving
> through them until she delivered a single palm strike to his face,
> sending her former teammate stumbling backward.  "You can't beat me.
> Not anymore," she said, the black arcs writhing across her skin.

I would have written that 'Instantly, Saburo was upon her with a
flurry of blows, but Midori just laughed, dancing and weaving though
them to deliver...' ...but that's rather more than just a minor
suggestion. Feel free to ignore me...

>       "My friend?" Midori snarled.  "Don't you understand?  They were
> never my friends!"  She took a step forward.

Why would Sakura understand? It's never been explained to her,
really... though i guess Midori isn't being very rational at the
moment...

>       "Would I do this if I wasn't your friend?" Ren asked, and then
> she very deliberately looked her former teammate in the eyes.
>       The dark arcs of the cursed seal danced over Midori's skin,
> retreating and advancing fractions of an inch.  "Ren... I... I..."  A
> pained expression passed over her face, and for just a moment the cursed
> seal retreated.  Then it surged back, and -

Hmm... 'for just a moment,' eh? But in the sentence just previous,
they were described as advancing _and_ retreating... and was it really
necessary for Ren to try to convince Midori that she was sincere
before clocking her with the Kunai ^_^;? Now Midori will probably feel
even more betrayed when she wakes up...

>       The hilt of Ren's kunai slammed into the side of Midori's head.
> "Sorry," Ren gasped as Midori fell into unconsciousness.  She rolled off

Maybe just 'fell unconscious.'?

>       Saburo had bound and blindfolded Midori, then turned to tending
> Ren.  "What now?" he asked, but before anyone could answer there was a
> loud noise and a sudden feeling of pressure.  The whole room rumbled
> briefly, and for a moment it almost seemed like the whole complex was
> about to cave in.

Hmm... i have to wonder if there isn't some other way to describe
these instances if 'spiritual pressure' or however you want to call
it. The word 'pressure' or something similar is used almost every time
it comes up.

>       Saburo interrupted her.  "Kabuto took him to his laboratory," he
> said.  "One level up the stairs, turn left."  Not that she really needed
> directions, not when she could feel that aura of power.

One wonders how Saburo knows what Sakura is thinking...

>       Sakura nodded.  "Thank you," she said, and then she was gone.

Another 'and then' ^_^;...


>       Sasuke smirked as he reached Kabuto's laboratory and found
> Naruto waiting for him, crouched on all fours atop the cot Kabuto had
> left him bound to.  Crimson chakra shrouded the other boy, thickening

Perhaps 'the cot he'd been bound to' in order to keep from changing
who the pronouns refer to mid sentence?

> with every moment as it formed ears and tails.  "Two tails, huh?" Sasuke
> asked, knowing as he stared into his former teammate's crimson eyes that
> the other boy was beyond hearing.
>       There was a sensation of movement, and then Sasuke was hurling

Hurtling; hurling is a transitive verb.

> through the open doorway and down the hall, crashing through a stone
> wall, and into the large dining room.  A wooden table shattered under
> him as he landed, and the Uchiha cursed.  He stood, pale green chakra
> encasing his hands and soothing the pain of his many injuries.

Though apparently none of the shattered bones or grave internal
injuries he _should_ have, after that...

>       Then Naruto was with him, but this time Sasuke was ready for the

The nefarious Mr. Then! I knew you would come O_o;...

>       A jet of flame escaped his lips, but all it hit was the scarlet
> afterimage Naruto left behind.  The possessed boy reappeared in the air
> behind Sasuke, but his furious blow only shattered the stone wall that
> rose up to protect the Uchiha.  As the two halves of the now-sundered
> table fell away, Sasuke leapt again, flipping in midair so that he
> landed on the far wall, facing Naruto.

Perhaps 'to land' instead of 'so that he landed'?

>       The cursed seal's marking moved across his skin as he formed
> seals.  "Chidori," Sasuke hissed, and then he charged down the wall and
> straight at Naruto.

Curse you, Mr. Then!

'Hiss' is also a popular word, this chapter.

>       A crimson limb moved to intercept him, but dense chakra
> flickering around Sasuke's outstretched hand shattered the demonic
> chakra.  It reformed behind the boy, but not before Sasuke had reached
> his goal, his hand plunging into the chakra shroud surrounding Naruto,
> hungrily pushing forward toward his chest.
>       There was a moment of perfect stillness.  Then Naruto howled,
> and Sasuke jumped away seconds before two chakra tails would have
> ensnared him.  There was a tiny rip in Naruto's shirt, and through it
> for just a second a small, bloody gash was visible.  In the blink of
> eye, it was healed, and Naruto jumped after his opponent.

Chakra is used many times here. I wonder i other words can be used in
place of some of them...

Also, should Naruto not be bleeding at this point? He has two tails
out, after all...

>       Sasuke's hands flickered through seals as he landed back on the
> wall.  "Fuuton: Air Cutter!" he shouted, and still air suddenly stirred
> with the force of a gale, shoving Naruto back into the far wall.

Somewhat misleading name, if its a blunt attack. (And if its a sharp
attack, then Temari is really kind of overdoing it, carrying around
that fan...)

>        The possessed boy wasn't fazed at all, charging back at Sasuke
> before a full second had passed.  A kunai met him halfway there, a

Don't really need 'there,' i think...

> powerful explosive tag dangling from its hilt.  The blast destroyed the
> few remaining unbroken pieces of furniture, but when the smoke cleared
> Naruto still stood unharmed.

Did it arrest his motion, though? If not, then he should still be
charging and not standing...

>       Sasuke grimaced.  "No choice," he muttered, and the black stains
> on his skin began to glow a deep purple, expanding to cover every inch
> of skin.  His whole body shuddered and changed, hideous mockeries of
> wings sprouting from the back of his now-demonic form.  His eyes
> flickered closed, and when they opened again the Sharingan floated in a
> field of black.
>       "Die," he hissed, and he leapt at Naruto.  Without even forming

Another hiss... though i guess, him being Orochimaru's pupil, a lot of
hissing is probably fine...

> seals, dense, corrupt chakra began to flicker around his hand, arcing
> out like electricity as he plunged toward his foe.  Naruto jumped up to
> meet him, chakra limbs and tails racing ahead of him.

Does the Chidori even use seals, normally?

>       They collided in a furious storm of chakra, and when his senses
> returned to him Sasuke was halfway back down the hall to Kabuto's lab
> and back in human form.  He rose, stumbling back toward the dining room,
> where he found Naruto waiting in the center, seemingly unharmed and

Three instances of 'back' in close proximity...

> still surrounded by red chakra.
>       "So this is the Kyuubi's power," Sasuke stated, no fear showing
> in his voice.

Hmm... 'showing' is usually a visual cue, not auditory. You can
probably omit that word.

>       Naruto stood still, and the chakra around him stirred.  Then,
> slowly, a third tail began to emerge.
>

That's all for now, though we're nearing the end! Huzzah! More C&C to come...

~Eimii