[FFML] [Kiddy Grade]Gazing at the Cosmos - Chap 1

[Bert Miller]

Correction to what I wrote on your prologue:
- I just double-checked the series, and found that, indeed, Eclair 
actually changed her hair color AGAIN for the denoument, to bright red.
- And Armbrust is indeed with them on their new mission at the very end, 
despite this defying every reason offered in the series for having him 
along.

NiteFlier wrote:
> Gazing at the Cosmos
>
> Chapter One - When All Else Fails
>   
"Read the Instructions"?

> Chronicled by Dro'gan, called NiteFlier
>
> It was a bit annoying to have a ten year old tell her that she wasn't
> allowed to know something.
>   
That might be a little too specific.  Lumiere _looks_ about ten, but we 
don't know how she answers questions about her age.  Personally, I doubt 
very much she'd lie outright.  Suggest "..to have a girl so much younger 
than her.."

> Lumière sighed as they turned off into the train station. "When she
> walked up this morning, you were eying her." They slipped easily to the
> train, their cards granting them easy passage.
>   
That last sentence strikes me as awkward.  How about "They swiped their 
passes through the
train turnstiles and boarded their train." ?

> Éclair grinned slyly as they boarded the train. "As if I really needed
> a reason to watch 'Miss Sana'? She's quite enough to draw the eye on
> her own, you know."
>   
Is this supposed to be the trainee we see in the series epilogue, who 
recounts her rescue by Eclair and Lumiere from the very first scene of 
the series?
I hardly think her looks are 'enough to draw the eye'.

> Lumière turned to her partner and frowned furiously. "You aren't
> thinking of-!"
>
> Éclair cut her off by touching a finger to the smaller woman's lips.
> "Now Lumière! I'm surprised you would believe I would think that."
>   
I find I can't really parse this exchange in a way that makes sense to 
me.  It reads like Lumiere is saying that Eclair can't be thinking of 
trying to seduce Sana, but Eclair's reply isn't phrased as a response to 
that; it would be simply "I'm surprised you would think that!"

If you mean something else, suggest you clarify.  Actually, suggest you 
clarify, period.

> Lumière harrumphed. "Why were you watching her?" She turned to Éclair
> when she didn't reply immediately. The red haired woman was staring out
> the window, the cityscape turned countryside.
>   
What countryside?  I had more the impression that Lumiere owns a copy of 
Versailles well within the city limits, i.e. ludicrously ostentatious.

> The walk form the train station was short. Both of them knew the path
> well, and while Lumière had the resources to have them picked up at
> GOTT headquarters and driven the thirty kilometers out here, both of
> them enjoyed exercise outside of their duties.
>   
A short walk constitutes 'exercise' for Eclair?

> After Lumière had temporarily lost her powers in the realignment,
> Éclair had moved into her mansion full time, selling the small
> apartment that she had been living in.
Why would Eclair bother to sell it?

>  Éclair just hadn't felt right,
> when Caprice didn't know she was alive, to keep living there, and going
> past the coffee shop every day.
>   
Might want to reword; I don't really understand this sentence.

> "Why did you live in this manse by yourself? 
Given a tax regime anything like the current U.S. one, buying an 
enormous mansion might be almost obligatory, for the tax break.

> "Well," said Lumière, trying to put some levity into the conversation,
> "I lived here because you didn't have a manse of your own." 
And one of them had to have one?  I don't get it.

> Éclair shook herself. "No, no I think its something different.
that "its" should be an "it's" (contraction of 'it is').  And you make 
the same mistake lower down.

>  I did a
> bit of research once... Ah, forget it. If its that, then it won't be a
> problem." She looked over at Lumière. "Er. Seriously. It has to do with
> my, er, relation with them. Ha. Relation, that's a good way to put it."
>   
??? "relation"?  It reads like you're suggesting that Eclair has been to 
bed with ALL of the other ES members, including the ones which don't 
particularly like her (e.g. Tweedledum).  I don't think that can really 
be your intended meaning.

> The strangest thing about their entrance, though, was that both of
> them were laughing at something. She had seen Éclair laugh
> occasionally, but had never heard Lumière so much as giggle. 
??? Lumiere giggles a fair amount socially in the series, with the other 
receptionists or whatnot.  At least, when she's feeling well.

> "Hello, A-uo," spoke up Éclair, "Something wrong?"
>
> Sana was appalled at the ease that she spoke to him, after all, he
> reported directly to the head of the GOTT!
>   
How does she know this?  The episode with Ms. Padushka suggests that the 
reporting structure in the upper echelons, and/or exactly who is and is 
not an ES member, isn't so widely known as all this, even to GOTT 
employees considerably senior to Sana.

> Seeing no one else was headed for the desk, Sana turned to Éclair and
> forcefully whispered to her, "You can't just talk to an ES Member like
> that!"
>   
This is rather forceful of an intern to a permanent occupant of the same 
post.  Shouldn't she be listening and absorbing, not criticizing?

> softly. "Éclair is right, Sana. ES Members aren't all that threatening
> once you get to know them. If you don't believe us, talk to Liquiy
> about it."
>
> "But, but they..." she started.
>
> "Are nothing more than people with a few abilities that normal people
> don't share." Lumière stated. 
>   
Above, your text read like Sana's concern was with rank.  Now Lumiere 
seems to believe that Sana's concern is that ES members are threatening 
in some way, like they might become violent if addressed by inferiors or 
something.  Why does Lumiere interpret Sana's concern that way?

> Somehow, it felt to Sana as if the world had gone dim, sounds and
> light from outside of their little area muted, and the three of them in
> the Information Desk were highlighted, the colors of their clothes and
> hair brighter, as if they were the only things to consider in the
> world.
>   
I agree with the other commentator; this doesn't even read like it's 
describing an objective phenomenon, let alone one we readers should be 
amazed at.
What supposedly just happened?  I'd rework the description to make it 
more explicit.

> The small woman sighed, and sipped her tea. "This is the first time
> we've encountered another G Class, even one that hasn't awakened."
>   
Isn't Eclipse considered 'G' class?

> Fighting a blush, Lumière stood. "Its nothing that you can help with,
> Éclair. You haven't been able to before, you know."
>   
<clip>
> "Unfortunatly, I do." Eclair responded. "Lumi, I know what's wrong."
> Eclair saw her partner shrug. "I think I can help..."
>
> Lumiere turned to her. "You aren't that way, and neither am I, Eclair.
> Just forget about it."
>   
Okay, let's see if I understand this.  Lumiere is horny, and in spite of 
statements by Eclair in this chapter which would point to her being 
bisexual, Lumiere says that Eclair "isn't that way."  More, just above, 
Lumiere says that Eclair hasn't "been able to [help] before," implying 
that Eclair has tried (and Lumiere has permitted it).  The overall 
implication is that Lumiere is simply overstating, perhaps in an attempt 
to discourage Eclair; but that Lumiere knows perfectly well that Eclair 
is bisexual, while Lumiere is heterosexual.

Now, how exactly does a 10-year-old body get horny?  (Given that one is, 
satisfaction obviously presents problems if Eclair isn't a candidate.)

(BTW, for what it's worth, my own take of the series is that Eclair and 
Lumiere are (at least occasionally) fully a couple, and both primarily 
prefer women.  In fact, the very beginning of episode one seemed to go 
out of its way to indicate that Eclair, at least, is oriented this way:  
she is repelled by Armbrust and attracted to Eclipse.)

> "But... This is... We've just..." Lumiere couldn't find the words to
> express the imposibility of what was happening.
>   
Again:  exactly WHY is the ability to switch bodies any solution to the 
problem that Lumiere is horny?  Is Lumiere now supposed to take Eclair's 
body out and pick up some guy in a bar?  In order to solve anything, 
this presupposed that 'horny' is a 100% mental issue, not a physical 
one, which goes against what we know of human sexual behavior.  It's 
much more likely to solve the problem if Eclair takes Lumiere's 
(apparently) ten-year-old body out and gets laid by the first guy or 
girl she can find, but this, of course, presents its own problems.

> "I know." Lumiere watched as her own head drooped to Eclair's breast,
> and she felt a terrible exaustion hovering over her.
>   
(sp) 'exhaustion'
> free-fall as the other woman shakily stood. "Lets both get to bed."
>   
Oh, a come-on!


Well... certainly I'd like to encourage you to keep going; Kiddy Grade 
can use any fanfic it can get.
Your plot seems, at this point, a little meandering:  at the end of the 
prologue, E & L were supposed to be working on a way to quit GOTT.  They 
haven't made any progress on that problem, but in the meantime, 
complications with Sana and body-switching have appeared.
I don't note any problems with characterization, though your dialog 
could probably be sharpened some.

The major thing which I'd suggest you work on is describing accurately 
what you mean.  Your writing seems to have an inordinate number of 
sentences and paragraphs where your meaning just doesn't come across.  
Did you have any pre-readers?  If not, you might want to consider 
recruiting a good pre-reader or editor.

Looking forward to more.